Tag Archives: work

Our Mixtapes: Soundtracks for Getting Through the Work Day

Whether you make money selling or buying, doing or saying, some days at the office (whatever shape that office is) are better than others. One day you might feel like the most productive employee ever and the next day the least competent. Though we don’t all have the same jobs, we all work day to day, pounding the pavement for better or for worse.

But that doesn’t mean that our time in the office has to be without inspiration. Some days we need a little help getting into the swing of work and to honor that, here are some of my favorite tunes to listen to at work:

Productivity Train

Let’s face it, there are some days when BuzzFeed is particularly entertaining and we don’t get as much work done as we should. When that happens I put on my blinders, plug in my headphones and turn on these tunes.

1)     “Elevate” – St. Lucia, When The Night

2)     “Arizona” – Kings of Leon, Because of the Times

3)     “Hollywood [Felix de Housecat Remix]” – RAC (feat. Penguin Prison)

4)     “Macchu Picchu” – The Strokes. Angles

5)     “Gotta Get Away” – The Black Keys, Turn Blue

Calm the Mind

There are just some days where work makes us want to pull our hair out in frustration, no matter how much we love it. For those days, I turn these songs on and take deep breaths before hunkering down again.

1)     “Welcome Home” – Radical Face, Ghost

2)     “Tumblin’ Dice” – Rolling Stones, Forty Licks

3)     “Momentary Thing” – Something Happens, Planet Fabulous

4)     “Take A Walk” – Passion Pit, Gossamer

5)     “We Are The Tide” – Blind Pilot, We Are The Tide

Kicking Ass

A power suit can get you into the zone when you need to kick ass at work, but why stop there? When I need to roundhouse-kick a project into fruition or a jerk coworker who keeps stealing my ideas, I turn to these songs to pump me up.

1)     “Fancy” – Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX, Fancy

2)     “She’s Electric” – Oasis, What’s the Story (Morning Glory)

3)     “Troublemaker” – Weezer, Weezer (Red Album)

4)     “Body Work” – Morgan Page feat. Tegan and Sara, Body Work

5)     “Movin’ Out” – Billy Joel, The Stranger

Hangover Cure

As any employed person will tell you, one of the benefits to having a salary and no homework is that you can go out on a Tuesday night. But we always have to pay dearly for it when Wednesday morning rolls around. For that, I listen to these songs and drink lots of water.

1)     “Tennis Court” – Lorde, Pure Heroine

2)     “Back to Black” – Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

3)     “See The Sun” – The Kooks, Konk

4)     “Fool to Cry” – Tegan and Sara, Girls, Vol. 1

5)     “Time Go” – Caught A Ghost

Photo by Rob Adams

Photo by Rob Adams

My Journey To Behind the Chair

The first time I cut off someone’s hair, I was 5 years old, unsupervised while the adults were watching the Super Bowl in the other room. I set the scene, making sure to have a towel to cover my younger, easily convinced friend, and placing a box on the floor to catch the hair, and then I went to town with my cuts-only-paper scissors. Her hair was fairly long, having never been cut before—and, needless to say, her very pregnant mom was not nearly as thrilled with her daughter’s hacked up pixie-esque haircut as I was. Scissors were generally kept away from me from that moment on, but when I could get my little hands on them I chopped off the hair from every Barbie possible.

Growing up, I always loved doing my own hair and makeup. In middle school and high school, I started researching special effects makeup programs and declared that that was what I was going to do. Alas, like many parents, mine felt that a traditional college path was what I needed, and off I went to the University of California Santa Barbara. After just over a year there, I knew it wasn’t for me: while I thrived in arts and humanities classes, I changed my major almost every month (much to the despair of my advisors) and I struggled to find my place. I moved back to San Jose and after trying my hand at college for another couple years while working in retail management, the best thing happened to me: I was laid off. I decided to take the plunge. Within three weeks, I dropped out of San Jose State and started attending cosmetology school.

I immediately felt like this was the learning environment I had been searching for. The first time I held real shears and cut hair, it just felt right. It came easily for me. In traditional college, my main struggle had always been taking classes I wasn’t interested in or that weren’t applicable to my major-du-jour. Why did I need to learn something I wasn’t actually going to use? Yes, I realized it creates a well-rounded person, but it just wasn’t for me. Now, everything I was learning applied directly to what I would be doing as a career. When I started cosmetology school at the age of 24, I was definitely a little older compared to my classmates—many of whom were fresh out of high school. I felt this gave me an edge, however, and I realized that a few years of college had endowed me with the skills to really study and readily absorb the information. I was hungry for the knowledge and, at this point, paying for school myself, which made me want to excel further.

Working with hair is much like sculpting, beginning with a block and carving out a shape. You use straight lines to create curves and softness, which translates into visual weight lines and forms. Adding color to the hair takes the shape further by adding shadow and light. Cutting hair is an equally terrifying and exciting thing all at once: you literally get to create a shape out of nothing… but as we all know, you can’t put back anything you take off. As an extremely visual, hands-on person (from playing piano and many other instruments to baking, knitting, and crafting), I love using my hands to help people feel beautiful and express themselves on a daily basis.

Cosmetology isn’t all creative, as there’s also the service part. Working with clients can be both challenging and rewarding, and often develops into a very personal experience for both the client and myself. It isn’t always an easy job. It is mentally and physically exhausting at times. Trusting someone, especially a stranger, to touch you isn’t something that comes easily for many people. Hair is an intimate part of us: it defines us and is one of the first things noticed about us. On the other side of the chair, the work I create is an extension of me and, like most creative jobs, my ego can be tightly tied with that. When a client is dissatisfied, it’s painful: I only ever want the best for my clients and I hold myself to the highest standards.

Throughout my career I’ve had some unhappy clients, either because of mistakes I’ve made or unrealistic expectations. Clients bring me pictures of celebrities or models as references, and I always do my best to explain that things like extensions, wind machines, lighting, and Photoshop contribute to the image, and that for the average person, most of those looks aren’t achievable. If a client isn’t happy with their cut or color, I always have them come back in so we can discuss and work together to reach a happier conclusion. I’ve had a handful of people cry in my chair. Nothing is worse. Those days I want to hang up my apron, lock my cabinet, and put my shears away forever. But I’ve learned to shake it off and get behind the chair again the next day, and work to learn from the experience.

My closest clients are like family. We talk about anything and everything—at times, very personal and privileged things. I’ve had many people tell me getting their hair done is better than visits to their therapist. It never ceases to amaze me how complete strangers feel comfortable telling me things they may only tell their closest friends. I feel fortunate to have a career that allows me to create tight, personal bonds with my clients.

I recently made the move from being an employee at an amazing team-based salon where I did all my assistant training to now renting my own chair and essentially running my own small business. This change in my career has given me new goals and hurdles to conquer. I’ve been able to expand the bridal side of my business, which has been quite exciting. It’s a whole different side of cosmetology for me: although I love cutting and coloring hair, I have a passion for styling because my freedom of artistic expression gets to shine the most in this area. It has allowed me to work with numerous brides, other creative types on photo shoots, theater productions, and even styling for The B-52s!

I definitely don’t have it all figured out yet. I’m growing as a stylist and trying to find my voice in this amazing industry. I feel fortunate to live in an area with many outlets for hair and makeup artists. It can be scary to follow your passion, especially in a society where we are pushed toward a traditional four-year college plan. I look forward to seeing my career evolve, traveling, meeting interesting people, and sharing in their journeys all through the simple commonality of hair.

Photo by Gali Levi-McClure

Photo by Gali Levi-McClure

Office Drama, or #WHATSHOULDWECALLTOXICJOB

How many times do you need to come home from work in tears before you start considering a new job? My last job was terrible almost from the moment it started, but I stayed for nine months trying to make it work, and then trying to hoard enough cash to get out. Looking back on this past year, all I can see is the slow buildup of quiet-yet-demeaning incidents that made me question my worth, my abilities, and my general sense of why I am at all interested in do what I do.

Here is a list of the major red flags.

  1. When I started my job, there was no training. None! They actually said: “Here is your computer!” and then left me on my own.
  2. My supervisors act like they don’t trust me, and revise deadlines without telling me. Once, after seeing the timeline for the interviews that I manage, my supervisor approved and implemented it, and then scheduled all the interviews and emailed the schedule to me. She never addressed whether I had done them wrong or late, or any reason why she had done my job for me, even though it was a full week before we had agreed it needed to be done.
  3. There are three people whom I report to. Every time I ask for clarification on whom I go to for what (even things like time off and emergency situations), they tell me that I was hired because I could “work independently.”
  4. And then when I ask one of them for help with one of the other departments, they usually fail to answer the question because they get sidetracked, ranting about how pretentious the other department is.
  5. Once, in a committee meeting, I had an older co-worker stop mid-discussion, turn to me and say “who are you?” I responded with my name and title, and he said, “Oh! I thought you were a student spying on us. Are you even on this committee?” He checked on his phone, found I was, and said, “Oh, well, what can you do?” We had met multiple times.
  6. When I was introduced to one of the departments, which was formerly all-male, and I’m a young woman, several comments were made to the effect of “Well, now we can’t curse in meetings.”
  7. Recently, one of my supervisors has been asking me to help her with Excel spreadsheets, and when I turned in a draft (like she asked me to), she brought me into her office and pointed at a column without borders and yelled at me, “Where is the column?! Where is the COLUMN?!? There is no column there!” and then had me redo it.
  8. I am required to have an autoreply message on my email instructing students how to make appointments. I have gotten back multiple emails from coworkers who are outraged that I would send them appointment instructions. The first sentence is “This is an autoreply.”
  9. This year, one of my papers was accepted to a prestigious conference. When I asked that same supervisor if there was any funding I could apply for, she said “If you get funding, we might as well add a budget line for my cats.” That was about two months into the position.
  10. I am frequently asked when I am planning on having children. These are not subtle hints from people I am close with. Coworkers who I rarely interact with have come into my office specifically to ask me when I am planning on getting pregnant.
  11. After having congratulated me for improving our numbers so much that a particular department might not be at risk anymore, one supervisor came in and told me that the numbers should go up even more because “we haven’t worked that hard

What I’ve learned from this experience is that—surprise!—my happiness really is affected by being treated poorly by the people whom I spend the majority of my day with. I’m really not sure when the turning point was… when I knew I needed to GTFO. I wish I had known when to say something, because maybe things would have gotten better. But by the time I left, I trusted no one that I worked with or for, and I dreaded going to work. I worry I’ll run into coworkers around town and I feel like I’ve developed some really bad work habits (like hiding from my supervisors) that will affect me in the future. My job was affecting my relationships outside of work as well, I was so emotionally drained that I wasn’t myself.

The worst part was that this was supposed to be my dream job—working with exactly the right population in exactly the right role. But my coworkers and terrible supervision ruined it. I put in my two weeks’ notice despite not having something else lined up because not knowing what was coming next was better than being unhappy every day.

Much to my surprise though, leaving my toxic job felt just like a really bad breakup. It probably should have not been surprising, but ah well. My last two weeks were full of utter insanity, and all I could do was hold on to my end date, knowing that it would be over soon. A small sample: My two weeks’ notice was initially rejected so they could “think” (is this legal?). I had more than 12 meetings with all levels of my supervision, where the second question was always “but, your partner isn’t leaving too, is he?” driving home the point that in their minds I was only there because of him. They told me that I would have had a better time in the job if I were “friendlier.” On my last day, none of my supervisors even showed up, wrote an email or left a voice message saying goodbye. And then, as if to tie a big bow on the whole package, about a week after I left, one supervisor sent an email to my personal address about job searching in my field, and how to know if a job is a good fit.

I’ve been free of this job for three full weeks, and let me tell you, life is so much better. If any of the above sounds like your job, get out. ASAP. Don’t wait. If you don’t have a cushion that will let you bail, start sending your resumes faster, network more, do something. It’s not worth being unhappy every day. I also highly recommend just reading the entire archives of Ask a Manager: this helped me figure out the difference between what was simply strange and what actually crossed a boundary, so that I could work up the courage to leave.

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Being Busy and Taking Care of Yourself

My first semester of grad school was really awful, and it was mostly my fault. I was taking classes in DC, and working and living on a university campus in Baltimore. I got up early and started work immediately. I would dive into my job and not look up until it was time to head to class. It was an hour each way, and a particularly arduous commute. Classes were long and I had little chance to transition between one task to the next. At home, I’d only face another avalanche of work, and then realize that I was starving. In my infinite wisdom, and more often than I would like to admit, I would grab a candy bar from the vending machine below my apartment and keep going. In the zingy sugar glow, I would work until I couldn’t anymore, and then at some point late in the evening, I would collapse, fully clothed, into bed. I felt like I was drowning. Please, please, please don’t do this.

Clearly, this was not a sustainable model. During the winter break after my first semester, I faced the fact that I had to make some changes. Today, I’m still not an expert at making sure that I am taking care of myself, but there are a few key things I’ve found necessary to avoid completely burning out.

Body

When I’m busy, I can get in this weird mindset where I convince myself its okay to put my physical self last. I have to consciously work to reframe taking care of my body as not being selfish or as putting off “real work,” but rather as taking care of the equipment I need to get the work done. If my brain doesn’t function well, I can’t write, read, respond to emails, or help others. If I think of it that way, it’s easier to justify treating myself with kindness and compassion.

  • Physical exercise. I do yoga, I dance, I run, I sometimes swim when I get super motivated, but no matter what I do something intense, regularly.
  • Enough and consistent sleep. Lots of studies will tell you about why this is important, but seriously, it is so important. I just remind myself that sleep deprivation actually kills people [trigger warning: violence, animal studies]. Work with your chronotype, because it actually makes a difference to your happiness: if you are a late riser, don’t force yourself up every day, or if you’re an early riser like me, go to bed early enough. As would be expected, there’s an app (or two hundred) for that.
  • No sugar (or whatever is your escape drug of choice). Personal but huge for me. What do you do that makes things short term better but long term worse? Is it caffeine? Alcohol? Other drugs? Not-so-wonderful relationships? I am super sensitive to sweet things. The sugar high only gets me so far, and when its over I’m just moody, groggy, fat, and nothing about my situation has changed. Treat yourself, but not with things that harm you.

Mind

There are definitely good ways and bad ways to approach what you have to get done. The following are the things that I need in order to not feel like I’m being crushed when my to-do list expands. This may not seem like self-care, but really, what could be more caring than respecting your own time and worth?

  • Have a plan. Let me tell you about the Planner Pad. I geek out about it on the regular because it is so perfect for when you are busy. It has space to divide your tasks by category or type, then a section for daily lists, and lastly a section for appointments during each day. When I can look at a single page and get a snapshot of what is going on for the entire week, I do not feel buried. I also take a few minutes at the beginning of each day to figure out what my priorities are. I do the same at the beginning of the week, month, and quarter. I think about my goals and my progress and adjust accordingly. Having that time set aside means that I consistently update my plan and can handle curve balls with way more grace.
  • Pomodoros! It may be geeky to keep a timer running in the background of your computer, but it keeps me from burning out. I love the Pomodoro Technique mostly because of the five minute breaks—just enough time to watch a music video or send a text or two to a friend, and keep myself from fizzling during a marathon work sesh.
  • Know when you’ve done enough. What is the bare minimum you need to get done during the day to keep on track? Once I’ve passed this line, I congratulate myself, and decide whether or not I need to keep going. Thinking of working more as a bonus round keeps me from getting caught in the never-ending to-do list.
  • Change what you can change. In my second year of my grad program, I got a different job without a commute and life got significantly better. I think overall it freed up another twelve hours per week to get other things done. Twelve whole hours. It was unreal.
  • Write yourself a mission statement: Why are you doing what you do? Sometimes when I felt my worst, I would stand in the shower and pretend I was in a job interview. The (imaginary) person across the (imaginary) table would say, “Why are you in grad school?” I would have three minutes to explain, out loud to myself, exactly why I was studying what I studied. This distilled my purpose, and cemented my desire to get things done. If I couldn’t say why I was doing something, then I knew it was probably time to figure out how to not do it anymore.

Spirit

Remember to take care of the other aspects of your being.

  • Schedule time for yourself. Again, you are just taking care of the equipment that you need to get the job done. It’s like putting gas in your car. I save this time for reading and sewing and not working on my to-do list.  I put this right in my calendar, because I am a geek and otherwise I wouldn’t do it.
  • Have a support network. Who can you call to get away? Who can you call if you’ve got to cry? Who always finds the best parties/concerts/adventures? To whom can you speak your biggest fears out loud, and know that they will have your back? These people are magic and I keep mine on speed dial. If this is a professional, like a therapist or a mentor at work, even better.
  • Don’t let the important things drop. My biggest regret from the busiest time in my life so far was not being part of a choir. This was the first time since 4th grade that I was not part of some sort of singing ensemble, and I could feel it. I would have been way happier if I had taken the couple hours a week or month to join some sort of group.
  • Remind yourself of your power. Chances are, if you are doing a lot now, you probably did a lot to get to where you are. I have a good friend will simply reread his resume whenever he feels like he’s not doing enough. “Hah!” he tells the universe, “You think I can’t conquer this? Look at everything I’ve conquered in the past!”

When I’m at my busiest but make sure to take care of myself, I have this wonderful, bare bones, stripped down feeling. Treating myself kindly feels like flying. I am doing exactly what needs to get done, working at my most efficient, and making steady progress towards my goals. The days go quickly, and I can think and work hard. I love having a lot going on, but if I’m not treating myself with care, I can’t enjoy it.

Want more suggestions? Peruse these 55 gentle ways to take care of yourself.

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Graduating from Jeans

I am fairly certain that in every single photo of me from age 8 to age 22, I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt. (Except for maybe my prom pictures…maybe.) I always wore 100% denim flare jeans, since I had some strange vendetta against stretch denim—which I’ve since learned is, in fact, forgiving and magical when done right, but that’s another article. The t-shirts were fairly uniform, I was a fan of the “girl-cut”—despite the ridiculous name for this style—with cap sleeves and slim silhouettes. Maybe they were band t-shirts, or maybe they were surf company shirts, or maybe they were just solid colors. It mattered very little to me. I would don a hoodie if it was chilly (I grew up in a place without recognizable seasons). And lastly, I wore low top Chuck Taylors until the soles wore through, at which time I would replace them with an identical pair.

I didn’t follow fashion or really try at what I was wearing, beyond not wearing black with brown or navy blue with black. This was my formula, it worked for me. That was until I realized that I would have to step it up when I entered the professional world. I quickly found myself lost without the comfort-blanket of my old “uniform.”

I over corrected. At first, I tried to wear skirts, ruffle-blouses, little blazers, and heels every day. This was exhausting and frustrating. The only way I could make this work was to lay out outfits for the entire week on Sunday night, accessories and all. I quickly got bored and ended up wearing the exact same outfits week after week. But the bigger issue was that it was just uncomfortable. I felt like a fake, like I was raiding my mom’s closet. You know those photos of little girls flopping around in their mom’s heels? That’s how I felt. Instead of focusing on my work, I was preoccupied with my clothing. So, after careful observation of what folks in my office wore, I revamped. I am now much closer to my original M.O., but am still “office appropriate.”

Here is my uniform for my business casual office:

1) Plain Top: There are about as many different dress tops as there are stars in the sky, but there are a few things I am not flexible about: I need my tops to be a solid color, washable, with some subtle but elevating detail, and a flattering shape that can be worn under a cardigan. The top that fits these requirements for me is from Banana Republic. It is cotton, with a tiny little satin ribbon around the neckline, and it is a super flattering shape. I have it in like 8 colors, so I don’t always end up wearing the white on Monday, black on Tuesday, etc. It is extremely comfortable and I don’t have to buy a new thing every season. Plus, and this is really the biggest thing, they’re not dry-clean only, so I don’t accidentally destroy all of my shirts when I forget to check the care tags yet again on laundry day!

2) Cardigan / Jersey Blazer: Again, almost all the same requirements as above (especially the washable part), but if there is a pattern or a more striking detail, that’s fine by me. Cardigans are great because they are super comfy and versatile. Jersey Blazers, a blazer made from jersey or another stretch fabric but with the same tailoring details, is amazing because they look even more professional but they are extremely comfortable. And have pockets. My aim here is to be able to mix and match so that I have the maximum number of outfits with the minimum number of potential opportunities to walk out the door looking like I got dressed in the dark.

3) Chunky / Splashy Necklace: This is my not-so-secret weapon to make an otherwise casual outfit feel much more formal or interesting. The bigger or more interesting the necklace, pin or fascinator (why not?), the less likely someone else is to notice that this is my regular Tuesday shirt.  My go-to spots for cheap but fun costume jewelry are Forever 21, the Anthropologie sale rack, Claire’s and Target.

4) Pants: This is the trickiest part for me, since jeans are my favorite thing to wear (though yoga pants might be edging them out). I wish I could wear jeans every day to work. But since I can’t, the only thing that works for me is to make friends with someone who works at Nordstrom, Macy’s, Ann Taylor Loft or Banana Republic. When I talk about what I want with the experts at these stores, my focus is always on comfort and versatility. Yes, they are more expensive than some of the other options, but I can get away with only a few pairs, instead of a million from H&M that wear out instantly. I have a pair of extremely plain slacks in black, dark grey, navy blue and brown. My bases are completely covered. And since they are so basic, I feel no remorse whatsoever about wearing them more than once in a week (after doing laundry, of course).

5) Finally, ballet flats: These are my favorite things in the entire world. I like knowing that if I need to run, I can, but I will still look good while doing it. Plus, I won’t end up with an aching back or side eye from a supervisor. Perfect black ballet flats (simple, plain, comfortable, not matronly, and not exceedingly expensive) are a little bit of a unicorn sometimes, but it’s worth looking for the perfect pair and wearing them until they’re totally done because they go with virtually everything.

My workplace is pretty consistently business casual, so while I still hate dressing up every day, at least I know it could be worse. Whenever I get a little bored with my wardrobe, I search for inspiration from people who actually enjoy getting put together and who do it well. Check out Broke-in-Boots’s Instagram, Jennylee always has a killer outfit. You can also always search the hashtags #fashiondiaries or #instafashion, #workflow, #ootd, #outfitoftheday, or #workchic on Instagram for inspiration.

But I’d also love to know your go-to formulas for werkin’ it at work—even when you’d rather not?

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Let’s Ask: What Does it Mean to “Make It”?

Three UE writers, Sally, Jessica, and Emma, sat down to discuss what it means to “make it.” They were joined by Sally’s mom, Anne, who shared her perspective. They have asked that their names be changed for honesty.

Anne: I chose to take time off to raise my kids because I figured you can always get a career, but you can’t get kids’ lives back.

Jessica: Yeah, totally.

Anne: So I chose to do that and everybody said it was a mistake. And when I tried to go back to work, everybody wanted me to start all over again. They think if you take the time off to raise your family, you sit at home and lie on the couch.

Jessica: Obviously.

Sally: And you’ll forget everything.

Anne: I don’t know anybody who’s ever raised kids that has laid on a couch.

Everybody laughs.

Emma: Do you think that’s changing?

Anne: I honestly don’t know. I have a different perspective about people and their families now. It’s not necessarily a positive one. But I said, “Well, if I’m gonna start all over again, it sure as hell isn’t gonna be for some corporate asshole.”

Everybody laughs.

Anne: It’s gonna be for me. So that’s what I did.

Jessica: That’ll be the tagline.

Anne: I think it’s probably easier to go back at the same level. But, in my day, most people didn’t come back—they just never came back. They had their kids and they didn’t come back. But if you had any kind of position or potential, it was like by choosing to stop you’re kind of shortcutting yourself. It was very hard to get ahead and I was at the point where people said, “Well, you know, you have a lot of opportunities—you’re gonna have a lot of opportunity, you’re gonna go really go far,” and I was “throwing it all away.”

Emma: But it’s just so fascinating that in the generation before you, every woman who was working was basically hearing, “You’re a terrible mom,” or “How dare you work and screw up your family.”

Anne: Well, my mom raised seven kids and she never worked. I mean, that’s what you did.

Jessica: But that’s how that perception has changed. Now: if you do work, you’re a bad mom; if you don’t work, you’re a bad mom. How do you make that choice?

Emma: You find the balance that works for you and your family. Turning perceptions into expectations makes for a lot more bad than good. Following your instincts is way better than societal pressures.

Jessica: I think it all comes down to “self-worth.” I know far too many twenty-somethings, myself included, that tied—or are still tying—all their self-worth to their jobs.

Sally: I remember one of my co-workers telling me that when I first walked into my last job, I was my “best self” that I had this confident “sass.” But the pressures of trying to be perfect took that all away, and he said, “It was just so sad to see how your confidence completely diminished and to watch you second guess every single thing you did.” Because, by the end, I was so unhappy and I needed validation and approval every step of the way. And even though that’s in the past now, I still feel like I’m trying to find my own self-motivation and self-confidence.

Jessica: And when it’s what you’re used to—when it’s where you’ve found your value—that’s a very hard thing to do.

Sally: Yeah, when I left, he told me again, “You cannot tie all of your self-worth to your success at your job.”

Jessica: I did that for a very long time, you watched me do it.

Sally: Everybody does it.

Jessica: Not everybody.

Sally: A lot of people do it. People who confuse drive and ambition and trying to play the game.

Jessica: People do it in different ways. Some people do it to their jobs, some people do it to their relationships, some people do it to their families: it depends.

Sally: Well it all goes back to perfectionism—trying to change yourself to fit that perfect ideal.

Jessica: You’ve got the craziest role model here though. (Nodding towards Anne.) She quit, walked away from her career and raised your family.

Sally: Yeah.

Emma: And then was like, “I’m gonna come back and start my own business.”

Jessica: My mom left her career because she hated it but she’s never been able to forgive herself for not finding a way to like it—or find another job that made her happy. So she’s always felt like she did something wrong because she never found a way to be happy and earn money. I remember, growing up, she didn’t want to be called a stay-at-home mom. But she was an awesome stay-at-home mom, and a writer, and it’s just that she saw that as a failing instead of seeing it as this really cool thing she got to do.

Emma: Yeah, like she needed to both work and be a mom. To be only one is—

Jessica: —To fail. I think that was because it wasn’t an active choice she made, like she didn’t actively choose to be a stay-at-home mom. Rather it was a reaction to being so miserable in her career.

Emma: But that reaction is still a choice.

Jessica: Exactly. “I’m miserable and I’m choosing to do this so I won’t be miserable anymore.” And let’s be honest, life is just as much about our successes as it is about our failures. And how we react to those failures is probably even more important than how we react to success.

Emma: Amen.

Jessica: “Bravery isn’t a lack of fear, it’s doing something despite your fear”… That’s a quote I stole from UE writer, Lily Henderson. But, the first and only time I ever quit a job, it was one of the most terrifying and painful things I’d ever done. And, from the outside, it looked really brave, but from my perspective, it was fucking terrible. But once I realized that the world didn’t end, it was like, oh…

Sally: It’s all about how you define success. I mean it’s interesting because you compare and contrast: I have a friend who’s getting promoted at age 23 and I have other friends who are like 30.

Emma: But what are you measuring?

Jessica: What is happiness? And is it defined by age? Because I feel like that marking system goes back to this idea that you are only “making it” if you have a successful career. I had a very successful career at 23 but I was really unhappy. I thought I had “made it” but all I had was my career. If you don’t have anything else, or the time to find anything else, it won’t ever fill that void.

Sally: That’s the thing I’ve had to learn, to try and really let go of this idea that it’s not a race. It doesn’t matter. And that I don’t really know what I want to do and it’s all about trying to learn.

Jessica: I look at my life, I used to be able to go into rooms and be like, “I do this,” and people would be like, “Oh shit, I want talk to you, I want you to help me get me a job like that.” Now, people are like, “Wait, what do you do?” And it’s not that it comes from a place of judgement, but it’s confusion, because I have an unconventional, “un-famous” job now. But it’s the perfect job for me right now. Because even though it’s only tangentially related to my “career,” I’m way happier as a person, way happier in all the elements. So it’s that balance, those choices. But the point that I was gonna go back and make right after you were talking about how miserable you were at your job, was that we all sat around and told you this, and people sat around and told me this when I was unhappy, but—

Sally: It doesn’t matter until you realize it yourself.

Jessica: Yeah, you can’t learn that lesson until you learn it yourself.

Sally: I would hear it and I would understand it logically, but I still couldn’t emotionally accept it. You have to get to that part. And that can be very hard.

Jessica: Absolutely.

Sally: I remember when I got coffee with a friend and he was like, “Hey how are you?” I was like, “Oh I’m really great.” And he’s like, “How’s the new job? Wait! No I didn’t want that to be my first question!” The whole point was we were gonna meet for coffee and be friends and not talk about work. You’re changing your identity and who you are—as you see you and as others see you. I’m trying not to be defined by my work anymore. And it’s hard.

Jessica: So hard. That’s a huge shift. I had to leave this city and come back to do that. But I’m so glad I did.

 

Photo by Michael Cox

We Don’t Know: What Does “Busy” Mean?

“Busy is a way of organizing your priorities and we use being busy or thinking that we’re busy as a reason not to do something that we really want to do. If you’re not doing something that you really want to do then you really don’t want to do it. If you really want to do something, you will find the time to do it. Be honest with yourself. If you’re not doing something that you tell yourself that you want to be doing—it means that you don’t want to be doing it. Figure out either how to do it or what to do instead.” — Debbie Millman

In the following video, Debbie Millman gives a great talk for designers (but really it’s good advice for everyone) about “The Top 10 Things I wish I Knew When I Graduated College.”

2011/02 Debbie Millman from CreativeMornings on Vimeo.

Debbie’s argument is that using the phrase, “I’m busy” is an excuse. That being busy is a decision that we make and that we should stop apologizing, stop making excuses, and decided what we really want to be doing and actually do it. What do you think?

Editor’s Note: Also in her talk, Debbie talks about three ways of knowing things which are particularly pertinent to our UE mission (You don’t know everything. Neither do we.): “I know what I know. I know what I don’t know. But I don’t know what I don’t know. That’s the important stuff to know.  The only way to be able to find that out is to ask somebody.”

Thank you to Sara Hamling for submitting Debbie’s video & quote.

Photo by Michelle White

Photo by Michelle White

Adventures in Freelancing (Pants Optional)

I never thought I’d miss desk chairs.

I was fortunate enough to be one of those people who started working immediately after college. A yearlong internship panned out—the television company with which I’d been interning took on a $45 million project during my last semester, and rather than train new coordinators, they just started paying me once I graduated. I started at $500 a week, which at the time felt like legit riches, and then got bumped up to $600 a few months later.

Although I was only supposed to contract for about 5 months, I ended up staying as an employee for more than a year, during which time my incredible boss/mentor rallied tirelessly to get me put on salary, but to no avail. I tried to move laterally in the company, toward one of the creative jobs that were more along the lines of my degree, but nepotism reared its fugly head and I was passed over for any new positions.

So, I found myself with no chances to move within the company and no full-time prospects elsewhere. I did cry, once—in the comfort of my own breakfast burrito—and no one noticed except the waiter, who (bless him) wordlessly handed me a mimosa. After a few sips, I pulled myself together, considered my skills and connections, and shifted my mindset to freelancing. Fortunately, thanks to the proactive work of my now-former boss, I spent almost no time searching for jobs. She put me in contact with a few company connections, all of whom I reached out to immediately and pushed to set meetings up with. During these meetings, if there were even an inkling of a suggestion of a task mentioned, I said yes. Always yes. I agreed to everything from working a private school charity function for a producer to managing the marketing for an upcoming indie film. I can’t stress enough how important it is to say yes. If the task is basic enough that they’re asking a relative stranger to do it, and it doesn’t involve a Hazmat suit, it’s probably something you can figure out how to do. I consider myself a lifetime double student at the universities of Google and Your Local Public Library.

So I got a backup laptop battery, switched out my unlimited MetroCard for a pay-per-ride and, before I could put on my comfy slippers, I was juggling five different freelance gigs. And I do mean different. I spent my days alternating between cutting Flavor of Love highlights (yes, the VH-1 masterpiece), to pulling stills and sound bites for a TV show’s digital board game, to frantically researching Photoshop layer-masking for a website’s design after having promised I had the adequate skills to do it.

The Money

Let’s talk about the fun part of freelancing: getting paid!!! Negotiating a pay rate is not as tricky or as terrifying as you’d expect. Before that process begins for you, ask someone in a similar field about the rates they charge, both when they started and now. When you go back to the employer, don’t be afraid to aim higher than you think you should. If you’ve gotten this far in setting up a freelance position, they’re unlikely to slam the (e-)door in your face. They’ll either say yes, or they’ll counter with a lower rate. From there, feel free to negotiate away; I found that agreeing on a rate within a couple of emails saved both of us from any potential resentment.

Here’s another thing about quoting a rate for your work. Come on—lean in for this one—I’m going to type in italics to invoke whispering: If they’re hiring you to do some extra work, eight times out of ten they don’t know how to do it themselves. They probably don’t even know what the typical rate is. Don’t take advantage of people, obviously, but don’t be afraid to upcharge based on your own experience (whatever that may be) and to make it worth your while. Like I said, I promise that an employer won’t turn down your services, then tell all his/her friends not to hire you, and then hack into your OKCupid account to declare you a huge, pompous, money-grubbing asshole if you quote a rate that’s too high.

What’s less fun than negotiating a rate is chasing after employers for money. It’s not necessarily that you didn’t do a great job, or that the employer is a bad person, or that the project is necessarily a total go-nowhere scam running out of the back of a souvenir shop. (I repeatedly stress not taking this stuff personally, because it’s very easy to let happen, especially if you’re working alone most of the time and away from the regular, conversational feedback of office life. A year of freelancing left me more sensitive to criticism than Joffrey Lannister-Baratheon.) It is simply not your clients’ top priority to give you their money, regardless of the job you did. So don’t be afraid to bring it up kindly in an email or make a phone call, regularly, to make sure it happens. No one is going to worry themselves as much about your payment as you are. Be your own #1 get-money-get-paid advocate.

The Routine

Throughout my time freelancing, it was hard to regulate some semblance of a routine. I would work late until I fell asleep with my computer in my lap, and then I would wake up the next morning, grab my computer from my bedside, and start working again. The sheer number of deadlines made self-motivation easy; the trickier task was turning my brain off from “work mode.” Imagine getting to your office at 8 am and leaving after midnight every day. Even if you’re only committed to eight hours, you’ll probably find yourself working ahead just because you’re in that environment. When I was working from home, there was no differentiator, especially when “home” was a teeny tenement apartment with no common spaces.

But there were numerous advantages! I could work in my pajamas (although to avoid the inevitable self-disgrace, I usually didn’t), I could do my laundry and grocery shopping in the middle of the day when there were no lines. I worked my gym schedule around the TV Guide for the channels I could watch on the treadmill. My conversational skills didn’t exactly flourish, but my work and home lives were the most efficient they’d ever been.

The Location

At one point, I decided to take the phrase “working remotely” to heart. With some extra cash from one particularly lucrative job, I moved to an apartment two blocks from the Mediterranean Sea for a few months while I continued to cut, edit, and write content for various clients. Wake up, work over breakfast, bring lunch and write on the beach before it got too hot, come home, work through dinner, go out with new roommates. And, of course, go on the occasional adventure. I realize that not every freelance job can be done from across the globe, but if the stars align accordingly for you, then get your ass out there.

Hanging Up The Slippers

Before I knew it, a year of freelancing had passed. By then, I was working part-time in the office of a client, a social media/entertainment startup, who now needed me on-hand for a few hours a week. I was also bartending a couple times a week, more for the social interaction than anything else. I felt both exhausted and also, strangely, unaccomplished; unless you’re looking at freelance gigs cumulatively, it’s easy to feel like you didn’t contribute greatly to any one project.

Not long after that, the part-time office job asked me to come onboard full-time. After weighing the decision, I decided to hang up my slippers and come back to office life. I would miss the freedom of scheduling my day, and I would miss indulging the weird idiosyncrasies I had developed from being alone most of the time for 15 months (like talking to myself excessively and eating certain foods with a knife only). Ultimately, the most alluring prospects were the regular, decent salary, a stake of equity in the company, the comfort of a desk chair (so much more ergonomic than the headboard of my bed), and the chance to interact all day with humans who weren’t appearing on a daytime talk show.

Am I glad I made the switch back to a one-job-only, 9-to-5 life? Yes. Do I miss the flexibility? Yes, every time I get a low-airfare alert for some exotic city, or try and elbow my way to the only rust-stain-free dryer at the laundromat at 7:30 in the evening. On the plus side, I have more regular in-person human interaction; I’m finally starting to get out of the habit of what I call ‘speaking in email,’ ending all spoken office conversations with “Best, Alyssa.” And I don’t have to chase anyone for a paycheck—it lands nicely into my checking account twice a month.

Is It For You?

I don’t know that I would recommend freelancing as a full-time job to everyone. I think it’s worth trying, especially if any of the above perks seem attractive to you. And oftentimes, they can lead to a steadier position, as in my case.

If you’re thinking about jumping on the freelance train, it’s worth having some money saved up, in case the jobs dry up or in case an employer is dragging their feet to give you your first paycheck. There’s always going to be some lingering awareness (and there should be, if you’re responsible about your bank account) that there will be periods of low income in addition to times where you’re flush with cash. Retail copywriting, for example, is heavily sought after from October to December, but unsurprisingly, work dries up after the holidays. So as tempting as it is after a well-paid gig to head to Serendipity 3 for a celebratory Frrozen Haute Chocolate, it might be worth saving some of that cheddar for a rainy day. If managing your money with some Scroogery isn’t something you think you’re capable of, then maybe freelancing isn’t for you.

Of course, starting to freelance isn’t always an all-or-nothing decision. You might be working one full-time position when someone asks you to take on a project. Then that may lead to other projects, some concurrently, until you have to consider whether it’s enough money and consistent work to quit your day job for. If so, and if you don’t LOVE your day job, then I say get out of there! Be free! Spread your self-sufficient wings! And when that day comes when you’re called back down to Earth for another permanent position, you have to make the decision for yourself: Just how much do you love eating oatmeal with a knife?

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Our Mixtapes: Soundtracks For a Sane Commute

When I was in middle school and high school, I was the queen of mix CDs. I made mixes for my friends and family, for car rides, and just for myself. It was, and is, one of my favorite pastimes. Choosing my favorite songs to find what tracks went well together was fun and challenging. Now, after years of practice, I think I’ve gotten pretty good at it (or at least my mom thinks so).

I find the process of creating mixes cathartic and important because, in my humble opinion, music makes everything better. Workouts, walks, studying, traveling, or just lounging about, music can bring you up or bring you down depending on your mood and what kind of day you’ve had. Because of this, I have several go to playlists and songs that I use when I am commuting to and from work or other places to either get me going or calm me down after a rough day.

To honor this, and hopefully give you lovely readers some cool and maybe new music, I have put together some of my favorite songs for a sane commute.

Like a Boss

These songs I feel are for a day when work didn’t crush your soul but instead made you feel like you were actually contributing something to the world. Go figure. They are upbeat but slightly melancholy in their own individual way. (Hey, you had a great day, but you still have to get up tomorrow…)

1) “Don’t You Evah” – Spoon, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

2) “Sister” – The Black Keys, El Camino (Ohhhh, this is a fancy live version!)

3) “Lies” – CHVRCHES, The Bones of What You Believe

4) “Jackie, Dressed in Cobras” – The New Pornographers, Twin Cinema

5) “Forever” – HAIM, Days Are Gone

Adventure Awaits

These songs are for a great day that also happens to be a Friday or the start of a vacation. They have great beats, are pretty positive overall and are fantastic for singing along. Who cares if they see you mouthing lyrics? You get to sleep in tomorrow!

1) “Drove Me Wild” – Tegan and Sara, Heartthrob

2) “In Your Light” – Gotye, Making Mirrors

3) “All of the Lights” – Kayne West, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

4) “Santa Fe” – Beirut, The Rip Tide

5) “Forever Yours” – Alex Day, Forever Yours

6) “Fearless” – Taylor Swift, Fearless

Down for the Count

These next few songs are for the defeated. That might sound a bit melodramatic, but sometimes that’s the only way I feel after a long and arduous and probably really stupid day. They are sad but beautiful, and hopefully they can serve as a reminder that you just have to keep doing you. So plug in your head phones, and let the world fall away.

1) “Orange Sky” – Alexi Murdoch, Away We Go Soundtrack

2) “No Cars Go” – Arcade Fire, Neon Bible

3) “Bella Donna” – The Avett Brothers, The Second Gleam

4) “Perth” – Bon Iver. Bon Iver

5) “The Story I Heard” – Blind Pilot, 3 Rounds and a Sound

6) “The Gambler” – fun., Aim and Ignite

7) “I Know What I Know” – Paul Simon, Graceland

8) “Right as Rain” – Adele, 19

Photo by Remi Coin

Photo by Remi Coin

Scientific Proof That Daydreaming Is Awesome For Your Health

Okay, fine. You got me. I am not, in fact, in an academic position to offer actual “scientific proof” about anything. But, as a person who has spent a lifetime working on a formula for a gentler daily grind, I defend my right to call myself an authority on this particular topic.

Daydreaming is great. And it’s great for you. It isn’t useless or silly. It isn’t only something 13-year-old girls do when they have a huge crush on someone they would never dare exchange a word with. I don’t know about you, but I am fairly certain that there is a WAR ON DAYDREAMING. As you venture further into the world of adult-people, do you feel pressured to engage with yourself in a super sensible way instead of letting your imagination run wild? I mean, it’s obviously important to grasp the reality of whatever situation you’re in. But I’ve found that allowing yourself a little time in Brain-Narnia, no matter what age you are, can be incredibly healthy.

Daydreaming gives you perspective. It allows you to view your obstacles in a different way… to apply them to places you’ve never been to before and people who aren’t you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t consider yourself a “creative person” and you don’t think you’ll “use” the lessons your inner monologue is trying to teach you. That little movie theater that lives inside your head is a powerful weapon against the crappy, unexpected blows of the real world.

Case in point: Enduring a particularly wrath-inducing breakup? Wishing you could assert yourself in front of that co-worker who seriously will not stop treating you like you haven’t even hit puberty yet no matter how many SAT words you use in daily conversation? I suggest to you the following: Get the soundtrack to Kill Bill bumping (either volume is superb, though I gravitate towards Vol. 1 for this exercise), go run, bike, or just walk with mad purpose for a few miles, and imagine the source of all your fury meeting the pointy end of your katana. You feel better, right? YES, YOU DO. You identify with this character, this person who obviously isn’t you but might have some feelings mirroring your own, and you’re able to explore how you really feel. Did the daydreaming directly solve the issue at hand? Not so much. But the important thing is that you gave yourself a safe place to work out your “ish”, as they say. It keeps you from wanting to chase after your skeezy ex with a real katana.

And if you do happen to be the type who uses their daydreams as creative fuel, there’s an added bonus. Your inner platform 9 ¾ is a stage upon which you can watch your wildest concepts come to life, and there is nobody but you (!) in the audience. You can observe characters, places, and images from a safe distance as you attempt to flesh them out and discover more about them. As a kid, I personally used to adore jumping on the trampoline in my parents’ backyard with my boombox blaring, thinking of what I was going to turn in for creative writing class that week. I’d spend hours out there. The neighbors probably asked my parents if I was “okay” (possible perceived evidence of the War on Daydreaming!). Nowadays, I’m more of a long-walks-on-the-beach kinda gal. But it’s the same idea. It’s my artsy fartsy zen time.

However, there’s one caveat to that particular practice, something I’ve had to work to wrap my head around over the years: Just because an image intrigues you when its dancing around in your own brain, it will not necessarily be intriguing, or even good, when it materializes on paper, onscreen, or on a canvas. Some things you dream up will work as you intended. But it can be hard to tell which product of your dreamscape is the golden egg and which is the dud, because both excited you. This is when real-world-brain has to take the reins and learn to let go of the things that didn’t work, things you thought would be eye-opening and thrilling but in the end just wound up looking cheesy as hell. There’s a time and a place for creative daydreaming. Lose yourself in it. Go nuts. But accept the fact that maybe only 25% of the things you conjured up while you were walking the coastline listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack will actually make it into your final product. Accepting that takes time and maturity. And that’s why you need real-world-brain in addition to Narnia-brain. They work together and they each serve a unique purpose.

So, next time somebody tells you to get your head out of the clouds, take it with a grain of salt. You need to stick your head in said clouds from time to time to get some fresh air. It doesn’t mean you’re delusional. It doesn’t mean you can’t confront yourself. It means you’ve given yourself license to not always be so self-deprecating. It’s like taking a mental health day in short little bursts. As long as it’s not hurting anyone and your life/work/relationships aren’t suffering because of it, have a ball. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have a rich inner life. It’s a coping skill. It’s a creative breeding ground. So get out there, go find some clouds, and promptly stick your head in them. I’ll wait here.

Originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com.