Why don’t you own a plunger? No, seriously, why in whatever-you-think-is-holy’s name don’t you own one?

Are you scared that you might actually have to use it?

Let’s be honest: everyone has a different digestive system and maybe you know what’s best for your needs in your humble abode, but there are people out there (ahem, me!) without the luxury of a happy stomach. And we visit you. And sometimes we eat cheese or ice cream or butter. Don’t underestimate the number of lactose intolerants in your life. There are a lot of us out there, and we’re here to tell you: GET A DAMN PLUNGER!

If I’m at someone’s house or apartment, before I sit down (and yes, I sit, every time), if I don’t have a visual check on a plunging apparatus, I get performance anxiety. Even if it’s only number one.

There is no good reason not to have one. Plus, they can be very useful, not only for the expected reason, but for other household issues. I’ve used mine to unclog an unruly kitchen sink after the garbage disposal cut out. Trust me, no matter how much you love your disposal, your disposal does not love potato or cucumber skins. Remember this the next time you’re making potato latkes. And keep the plunger handy.

For those of you who are just hearing about a plunger for the first time and have NO clue how to use it. Here’s a quick how-to:

• You will need to engage your plunging skills if the water level in your toilet is very low or very high. Basically any extreme water level will need your services.

• Raise the toilet seat and place the plunger inside the base of the bowl. Do slow, up and down motions, pushing the rubber section in and out. The water should go down to a very small amount.

• Time to flush! Repeat the above steps as necessary.

• Post plunger cleaning etiquette: Put the plunger back in the clean toilet water and flush! If your plunger requires further cleaning, try the tips recommended by eHow. They recommend pouring two cups of white vinegar in your toilet bowl before putting the plunger back in the water.

So, now that I’ve explained how to use a plunger and successfully convinced those of you who don’t own one to head out to your local Home Depot, Target, or Dollar Tree (yes!) and pick one up, let me tell you some signs of an adequate one:

• Do not buy a plunger that looks like it’s for a five year old. The handle should stand at least 2 feet tall. Meaning you shouldn’t have to bend to pick it up. Those mini space-saving toilet tidy-ers will only cause more drama than is already at hand.

• Don’t buy the cheapest one at the store. Unless you’re totally broke, this is just asking for trouble.

• If you live on the East Coast, you will most likely need a more industrial-strength plunger. Those pipes are way too old to handle our oversized food–obsessed culture.

• If you live in Middle America, or on the West Coast, your standard $10-$15 plunger should do.

• Buy a pretty plunger. Try to have it “go” with your décor. Because why not?

• Mine has a black base and clear, spindled handle. It’s elegant, yet efficient.

• Lastly, display this thing right where everyone can see it. Next to the toilet, where it belongs. No hiding-it-under-the-sink-business. And there should be one in every bathroom—otherwise your party guests are going to have to go snooping around and eventually will have to ask for your help. WE DON’T WANT YOUR HELP. EVER. Let us plunge in peace.

Look, you can either heed my advice, go out and buy a plunger and welcome the many thanks of your friends, OR you don’t. It’s your choice. But everyone needs a best friend and your toilet is lonely. And shit gets messy. Pun intended.