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DIY

Halloween Carving Alternatives

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Autumn and winter holiday traditions tend to rely heavily on very specific kinds of vegetation—we’re talking pumpkins, orange fall leaves, Christmas trees, etc. Now, this is a very joyful annual experience if you’re living in a chilly climate, but for someone like me (a New England transplant living in Southern California) it can be pretty dismal. This time of year, I make a valiant effort to rebel against the ecosystem I now call home, pulling my leather riding boots over my sweaty legs in 80 degree weather each day, living in sweet, sweet denial. I live for fall and winter holidays! But I’ll admit that trying to recreate my traditions here has become a difficult, kind of kind of tragic disaster.

Exhibit A: Last year I trekked two hours to a mountainside pumpkin farm to get the perfect giant pumpkin for a carving party. I realize I could’ve gone to Trader Joe’s, but the experience of going to a farm is what counts here. Sadly, what I found was a farm that had been completely pillaged and depleted of its healthy pumpkins. It was 90 degrees in October and there had been a drought. These things happen. It took me a solid hour to find the only decent one in the patch and it still cost me $30.

Exhibit B: Last year I spent $75 on a Christmas tree that was less than half my height. I am 5’0″. I think that speaks for itself.

So, if you live in LA, Miami, Dallas, Santa Fe—heck any tropical and/or desert biome—and don’t want to drop $30 on a pumpkin, or if  hacking them to pieces is somehow traumatizing, then this article is for you. Instead of carving a pumpkin for Halloween this year, why not try something different?

Below, for your holidaying pleasure, is a list of items that are easily accessible in grocery stores nationwide, are super fun to carve for Halloween, and even more fun to eat afterwards. (Because let’s be real: pumpkin seeds are actually pretty gross unless you toast them JUST right! But I digress.)

  • Apples: Hollow them out, use the innards to make an adorable tiny pie (because if you don’t love tiny pies, who are you?), and carve a face!
  • Butternut squash: Same deal. Hollow ‘em out, carve a face, and eat the insides (I recommend roasting them with some butter, agave nectar, and brown sugar).
  • Oranges and Grapefruits: Don’t carve out the insides of these because that would be a very sticky situation! Just perforate the design you want on the peel with a serrated knife, and then pull the peel off. I highly recommend chopping these bad boys up for autumnal sangria or a toasty mulled wine afterwards!

My mission this year is to adapt to my environment and create some fun new traditions. What are some warm-weather-climate Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas traditions that you have? Collecting advice and inspirations in the comments below!

Happy carving (of the pumpkin persuasion or otherwise)!

HalloweenHero

Photo by Elizabeth Kerin

Food

Wines: Understanding That Shit

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I love wine. No shame. If I could live on a winery, I probably would. There’s nothing about wine I don’t enjoy (except sometimes the morning after drinking it), but I really loathe people who consider themselves connoisseurs. Most of the time when discussing wine, they just sound like they’re speaking their own pretentious language, and I think they give wine a bad name. But I’m here to change that. Wine can be accessible, and delicious, if you just know what you’re looking for! I’m here to give you the down low, so you would-be-winos can select wine for yourselves stress-free.

The easiest way to break down the wine world is into four categories: WHITE, RED, ROSE, and SPARKLING.

All four categories have sub-categories—types of wines that are determined by factors like how long the grapes are fermented, whether they have skin or not, what region they come from, etc. And like how much salt you like with your food, finding which ones are your favorites is definitely going to be a matter of taste. Generally speaking, white, rose, and sparkling wines are all going to be much lighter than red wines, which have a much bolder and denser flavor. But that’s not a fool-proof guide to picking your favorite.

So, let’s talk specifics.

Whites

White wines are generally served chilled and in a narrow glass and are often paired with poultry and seafood. I usually reserve my white wine drinking solely for the summer time because it is great to have a cold glass of wine in the heat, but I know people who drink it all year round. Which brings us to kinds:

My least favorite (but the most popular) white wine is Chardonnay. It is a medium bodied wine that is frequently dry and oaky and pairs well with a wide variety of foods including chicken, pasta, seafood, etc. The oaky flavor occurs if the wine is aged in an oak barrel. I tend to lean towards wines that are aged in stainless steel, which are crisper. There’s just something about most chardonnays that have too much of an earthy taste for my palette, but I know a ton of people who love it. I think this is mostly because you can find a good tasting chardonnay at any price. Despite the quality of the wine, it usually has good flavor.

This is the opposite with a Pinot Gris or Pinot Grigio. This white wine is super light and I find it delicious, but a higher quality pinot gris is the way to go. I think it’s the perfect blend of sweet and tartness, and drinking it reminds me of summer and sunshine. I find that the cheaper ones are either too watery or too acidic, and frequently leave you with a bad headache.

Next on the list to try—Sauvignon Blanc—another light-bodied wine a slightly spicier flavor. It’s sweeter than both Chardonnay and Pinot Gris/Grigio, but it has a dryness that I find really appealing. People either love or hate this wine because of its strong citrus undertones, which leave an interesting aftertaste.

Riesling is the sweetest of the whites, so if you’re looking for something fruity, this is the way to go. I find it’s a really good introduction wine because the flavors are familiar (grape, apple, pear), but it’s not the most complimentary with foods. I’d pair it with salad or fruit.

Reds

Red wine is a little more complicated. It’s served at room temperature and is put in a larger glass, so it can “breathe” or aerate before drinking to help soften the flavor. If the bottle is extremely aged, you’ll need a decanter to really help the flavors settle and breathe before serving, but that’s a bit more advanced drinking. For those new to red wine, let’s talk basics:

The most popular red wines are the Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot—two medium to heavy wines with similar taste profiles. They’re often described as tasting of currants and blackberries and chocolates, but I really think they are just good, dependable red wines. They’re the stepping stone into red wines because of their well-rounded flavor. People frequently talk about tannins when talking about these two wines as well because of how heavy they can be, but what the hell is a tannin?

Tannins are the protein that helps age wine during fermentation, but people who talk about it referring to wine are actually talking about the slightly dry aftertaste. I think people like to talk about tannins because it makes them feel fancy, but it’s another factor that will determine if the wine is your “taste”.

Another wine heavy in tannins is Syrah (or Shiraz), which I think of as the red equivalent to Sauvignon Blanc. It has a spicy, peppery taste that pairs well with red meat and ethnic foods. But be forewarned, you light weights, this might not be the wine for you. It’s got a kick to it, though. So, be prepared for a strong flavor.

If you’re new to red wine but you like whites, I’d recommend a lighter one like a Pinot Noir. As opposed to the darker fruitier taste of the above red wines, Pinot Noir is significantly easier to drink. It’s my favorite to pair with cheese and crackers and makes a great daytime picnic wine.

Honorable mention for my favorite wine – Malbec. It’s not in everyone’s red repertoire, but I am a big fan of this red wine. I find it has the perfect amount of sweetness (kind of plumy) and dryness (there are those tannins again!), but it does take some sampling to find a good one. I’ve found that even within Malbecs themselves, the flavors differ greatly from region to region.

Rose and Sparkling

These two types of wine are exactly what you think they’d be, and they frequently get overlooked.

Rose is simply pink wine, also referred to as Blush. It’s significantly closer to white wine than red in taste, and I find that it’s the perfect drink for a summer evening. I’ve never had a rose that I didn’t enjoy.

Similarly, sparkling wines are carbonated wines that most often derive from white or rose. They range from sweet or “doux” to drier “brut” varieties. Of course, the most popular form of sparkling wine is Champagne. Personally, I think it’s impossible to have bad champagne, and it’s always fun to celebrate with something that pops when you open the bottle. My cheapey favorite? Andre Blush for a whole $3 a bottle. I really know how to class it up, don’t I?

Obviously this isn’t an extensive list of every wine ever created, but it’s enough to help you fake your way through a wine menu with ease. So, now that you have a preliminary guide, how will you know what you like? Experiment, of course!

I’m partial to places like BevMo and Trader Joes that have really helpful staffs. They often have great recommendations, and now that you have a basic wine vocabulary, you’ll be able to articulate what you’re looking for a whole lot easier.

Pro Tip: BevMo is especially concerned about your drinking satisfaction and will let you return an opened bottle. Sounds crazy, right? No joke, one friendly BevMo employee happily reminded my friend this weekend that she could exchange her bottle for something else should it not be to her taste. I don’t think there’s a better deal out there than that!

Now, what are you waiting for? Grab a friend (and a corkscrew) and start drinking! The world of wine is yours for the tasting.

WineHero

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Relationships

Adventures in Online Dating

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So, you’ve just gone through a breakup, had a 20/30/whatever-something crisis, found yourself Facebook-stalking your ex, or realized that you don’t want to die alone, and you’re considering giving online dating a go. Fantastic! Welcome to the modern dating world!

As a seasoned online dater, I can tell you it’s just as scary as it sounds. But, on the upside, it can often lead to good things. As a real-life example, I found my boyfriend through OKCupid! (This is true.) My friend from high school is marrying a man she met online. (Also true.) And Ryan Gosling just joined, so you have a chance with him! (Not true.)

All that said, I don’t know if I’m one to give advice—earlier this morning I somehow spilled coffee in my hair—but I have done online dating, and I did find someone through it. So, what I’m going to give you is a basic plan to follow, what not to do, and some warnings about what you may encounter.

How to Build the Perfect Profile

I recently read an article that recommended wearing a red shirt in your profile photo because red is “eye-catching” and “sexy.” Sure, you can wear red. You can also not look at the camera, wear your hair up, hold the world’s most adorable kitten, or any number of options. But, in the end, you will be judged not only by your cover photo, but also by your screen name, interests, and what you’re looking for.

So here are some things to consider:

The Main Photo: Choose something flattering. If you’ve got long legs, let the trolls scouring at home know it. If you’ve got lovely hair, flip it. If you have self-esteem issues, do the far-away image thing. some little monster great person will find it endearing.

Your Screen Name: For the sake of “anonymity,” and so that online dating is a “safe place,” you get to choose a nickname. I created mine without thinking, SeeErinDate, and then realized that if I wanted to change it, I’d have to pay some outrageous sum. Any yet, I’d get messages from people like TigerBalls247 and think, “What an idiot.” So, I’m just saying, think before you pick.

Interests: Be honest. If you aren’t a thin former model who likes to vacation in the south of France and eat kale, don’t put that in. The whole point of online dating is to find someone who is compatible with you. No need to tell lies until the first date actually happens. Just kidding! (Kind of…)

Commit to Your Online Profile: In other words, give it an honest try. Going into the site, answering ten questions and putting up one photo does not a stanch effort make. In other words, pledge to yourself that if some hottie sends you a cute message, you will write something back. (Pro Tip: If you get a 20-page message from someone, they are probably crazy. Only send and receive the paragraph ones.)

Stranger Danger 

I remember watching 20/20 specials about young girls who agreed to meet online friends in the real world and were then found years later in a European sex ring. (Or maybe that was Taken with Liam Neeson?) Either way, we’re taught to be wary of all things online, so the prospect of meeting a complete stranger can be pretty daunting.

As someone who carries pepper spray on my keychain and stores a spare in her glove compartment (just in case!), here’s my advice: before you meet someone, text a good friend and tell them where you are going, what time, and when to check in with you. That way, if they text and you don’t text back, they can radio the police choppers. And obviously, be smart and meet in a very public space.

How I did It

Because I’ve had success with dating on the Interwebs, I get asked a lot what the “secret” is. I don’t have one, but I am a fan of game plans, and that is what I made for myself. So feel free to follow “Erin’s Law” if you want!

I answered 50 questions, put up three photos, and committed to going on three dates with three different men. I repeat: three dates, three different men. I told myself that if all of them were crazy—not just boring or not compatible, but legitimately odd—then it would be a sign that the online world wasn’t ready for me. However, if even one of them was normal and perhaps only a bit dull, it meant I had to keep trying because normal guys existed online.

My first two dates were bad and borderline awful. The first guy had played in a well-known band back in the day, so I thought he’d be interesting. But he wasn’t. And when I told him I didn’t think a second date should happen, he went… nutso. He started tweeting to his fans about a girl who had broken his heart—me, really, after one date?—and that he needed to get drunk to numb the pain. Beware the former rock star, people!

The second date was with a reality TV producer who was divorced and had a kid—which I found out about on the date—and he brought along his dog. The dog jumped on my leg and ripped a hole in my Topshop tights. Perhaps, for some of you, this would be acceptable—not to me. I couldn’t bring myself to see him again.

The third date was with my current boyfriend, who took me to a wine bar and made me laugh and has turned out to be an all-around great guy. Maybe it’s the rule of three, or maybe having a plan let the universe know that it had to get it right in three tries (or else), but that’s what worked for me and it made me feel completely in control of the experience.

Just Do It

I know it’s scary and maybe you even have some concern that online dating is desperate. But, the thing is, if you don’t put yourself out there, then the chances increase that no one is going to find you. Plain and simple.

Plus, it’s low stakes: worst-case scenario is that you go on a couple bad dates. Welcome to life, that will happen no matter what! While the best case is that you meet someone fantastic to spend time with, and wouldn’t that be fun?!

OnlineDatingHereo2

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Brainfood

EXTRAenlightenment 10/12/12

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We missed last week so this is double edition. Some of the best enlightenment we found on the web these past two weeks:

  • Learning how to stand up to a bully can be difficult at any age. Our hats are off to this awesome local news anchor for giving us a great example.

Read some good enlightenment this week? Tweet it to us @UNDERenlightend.

Food

How to Behave in a Restaurant: A Step-By-Step Guide

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This may seem really basic, but unfortunately, it’s not. While I understand that people in this world are, in general, benevolent souls who want only the best for their fellow beings, during my time as a server I didn’t encounter them that often. A lot of our patrons seemed to have not gotten past lessons such as, “Don’t throw your spaghetti on the floor.” (And some people never even got the hang of that.)

I’ll shed some light on the behind-the-scenes of how a restaurant works. Let’s talk basic etiquette!

Walking In

Hopefully, this restaurant has staffed plenty of hostesses, so you will not be kept one unnecessary second from your plate of linguine alfredo. If not, remember that no one is neglecting you on purpose, and wait patiently. But it’s also perfectly acceptable to ask anyone passing by (politely and graciously) if it would be possible to obtain a table. Even if they are not a host, chances are they’ll be able to seat you or at least send the hostess over.

Being Seated

Most restaurants have a rotation system, where hosts seat guests in rotating server sections so that every waiter serves the same number of tables. This way, one server doesn’t get overwhelmed, leaving the rest with nothing to do, and everyone makes about the same amount of money.

Keep this in mind when you request a different table. If it’s a matter of comfort (because of sunlight, booth size, etc.), then absolutely request a different table. If it’s your 50th anniversary and there’s a romantic window view, they will try to accommodate you (but be patient if they can’t: everyone wants the damn window tables). But if you’re having lunch with a blind date, or coworkers, or anything else where placement isn’t essential, try to be happy with the table you’re given.

Waiting to be Greeted

If a server is well-trained, they will do their best to greet you within a minute or two of you sitting. However, even the best servers get busy sometimes. If it seems like a long wait for your server to approach you, it’s ok to ask another server to send someone over, as long as you are (again) polite and gracious.

When the server (probably breathlessly) arrives and greets you, be nice to the poor wretch. You want to have a good time, right? Don’t ruin what could be a perfectly pleasant dining experience just because you had to wait a couple extra minutes for your precious Arnold Palmer.

Ordering

If you say you’re ready to order, make sure it’s true. Read the menu carefully and know what comes on or with the dish. Speak slowly and clearly so they have a chance to note everything. And if you have a super-duper-special order, don’t be embarrassed; just let the server know before you start ordering so they make enough room to write everything down.

If there’s a special order you want, and they can’t do it, let it go. If it’s really important, go ahead and ask your server to check with the chef. Most restaurant employees are happy to do everything they can for you. Have a backup order ready just in case though, don’t make them stand there for five minutes straight while you go “Ummmmmmmmm…” and the patrons at their six other tables are staring holes into the server’s back.

If you decide to change your order, please oh please track down your server to let them know as soon as possible. It’s ideal to catch them before your order is being made so they can rush to the kitchen and inform them so the cooks don’t get backed up. Plus the server has to run and track down a manager to change the check so you don’t get charged for two entrees. The sooner you let them know, the sooner you’ll get the entrée you really want.

Waiting For Your Food

It’s perfectly ok to ask about the status of your order if it seems like it’s taking a long time. However, keep in mind that 90% of the time when the food takes a while it’s because the kitchen is either backed up or you ordered something well-done. Those things are totally out of the server’s hands, so please don’t blame them. Enjoy your drink. Get another round if you want. Breathe.

Eating

As you eat, you may discover you need paper napkins, more water, ranch dressing, whatever. Try to think of all of them at once. Nothing slows a server down more than a group that needs a new thing every time the server walks by. The more efficient a server can be, the better service they can give you.

For the love of all things holy, don’t snap your fingers to get the server’s attention. Servers are not dogs. “Excuse me,” “sir,” “miss,” or a simple index finger in the air are all preferable to snapping, whistling, or (believe it or not) “sweet cheeks,” “honey,” and “beautiful.” Respect goes a long way toward getting a server to like you, and when a server likes you, it can pay off; they are far more willing to go the extra mile for you if you treat them decently.

Speaking of respect: guys, don’t hit on your waitress. Just don’t do it. If you want to be nice, or funny, or charming, go for it. Hey, who knows, she might like you. Anything can happen. But don’t ask for her number, tell her how sexy she looks in her khakis and baggy company t-shirt, or attempt any lame pickup lines. If you continually behave that way, she’s gonna avoid you like you have fleas. Which you actually might.

One more thing: try not to get too drunk. ‘Nuff said.

When You’re Done

The best way to let a server know you’re finished is to put your napkin or other garbage on the plate. It is certainly not expected, although it can be nice, for you to stack your dishes for your server to pick up (although make sure they won’t topple over).

Ask for the proper number of take home boxes to increase efficiency and avoid box waste. (Note: I once worked for a place that had a policy to not send home any leftover happy-hour food. If a server informs you of a policy like that, please don’t blame the server. They’re not withholding boxes from you on purpose, and often there is nothing they can do.)

Ask for the check as soon as you know you won’t be ordering any more, and don’t expect the server to check up on you like they did when you were ordering or eating. The servers have other tables that actually need service. Pay your check promptly and sign the receipt as soon as you get it: your server may be at the end of their shift and your receipt could be what’s keeping them at work, and you don’t want your receipt to keep them overtime. It’s totally ok to enjoy and linger over your drinks or dessert after you’ve paid the check, but be mindful if it’s really busy, a server’s income depends on getting a table turned quickly.

Tipping

Let me tell you a secret: if you’re a good tipper, you will instantly be forgiven for breaking almost any of the other rules in this article. If you’re a pain in the butt and tip well at the end, you are effectively compensating that server for all the extra work they did to take care of your super-special needs. This is acknowledged and respected. If you become a regular who is also a good tipper and the servers at the establishment know this, chances are that you will be introduced to a whole new level of awesome restaurant experiences.

A 15% tip is generally considered pretty standard. That means that you got everything you needed in a relatively timely fashion, and you pretty much enjoyed everything. If there were a couple of little hiccups that didn’t affect your overall enjoyment of the evening, super-cool people will still tip this much.

A 10% tip used to be considered standard, but no longer. A 10% tip is a bare-minimum tip. Your server was…eh, ok, you never got that extra side of ranch even after reminding your server once, it took them a long time to greet you, but at least you got fed and didn’t get over-charged. A 10% tip should be considered a borderline “punishment” tip.

Anything less than 10% means bad times. Only tip this low if it’s justified. Your server was rude, and your order came out wrong and everyone else was done eating by the time they got you a new one. Everything went badly. If you’re really angry, don’t write a nasty note on the tip slip “to inform the server without getting them in trouble,” because the managers see those slips anyway. Go see the manager. If you’re concerned about disciplinary action, go ahead and let the manager know if you don’t feel it warrants any action and you only want to inform them of your experience; they’ll usually take that into account.

A 20% tip is a good tip. Servers will always be happy they served you if you give this. This is appropriate if you got everything you needed and were happy throughout the whole meal.  Anything over 20% is boss. This is appropriate if the server was freakin’ awesome and you want to let them know “Hey, thanks for being amazing even when it’s so busy. I know you were working really hard. Here’s an extra dollar or two to go buy yourself a….well, something that costs a dollar or two.”

If you can’t afford a decent tip, no matter how good the service, don’t go to a tipping establishment. There’s a magical place (called McDonald’s) where you can go instead.

This segment is longer than the other ones because it’s the most important. Sorry, romantics, but in the restaurant biz, money talks.

On Your Way Out

If you had a great experience, let the manager know. They’ll tell the server, and it’s nice to hear that in a world of complainers. (Hopefully after reading this article, none of you are one of those anymore!)

If you had a bad experience, go ahead and accept any free coupons/comps/etc. the manager may offer you, but do not insist on it. It will seem tacky, and you will probably rub the manager the wrong way and they will be less inclined to help you. Servers I know have had tables make up complaints just to get free food. They’re scam artists: don’t be one.

In General

I have always maintained the belief that there are two kinds of people who go out to eat. The first kind is out to have a good time, so they won’t let the little things get to them. They’ll try to enjoy themselves no matter what, and they are always pleasant and wonderful to serve. Then, there are people who go out to eat in order to feel superior. These people will complain over trifles and use restaurant staff as whipping boys for their frustrated lives.

Which one would you rather be?

restaurantCrop

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Sex

Good Vibes: A Guide to Vibrators

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So you want to buy yourself a sex toy. Where do you start? There are so many—how do you know which type is for you? What about how loud it is, how intense it is, what it’s made of? Where do you even go?

Not to worry, knowledge is power and I am about to share what I’ve learned with you. I hope this will empower you to take control over your own sexuality and sex enjoyment (if you haven’t yet). If you have: hooray, and well done!

A note for males: in this article, I address ladies because I am a lady. However, vibrators can absolutely be for guys, as can sexual empowerment, so I encourage you to read the article and take what you can from it.

Now, let’s talk vibes.

Vibrators vs. Dildos: Choose your pleasure

This can be a tricky one, but it’s a good starting point. Some sexy lady toys are vibrators, some are dildos, and plenty are both. If you know whether you’re more sensitive to clitoral stimulation or G-spot stimulation, that’s a good place to start. If your previous self-sexy experiences have led you believe that the best way to get yourself off is to rub that little nub at the front of your lady-flower (inside the folds of your labia, but not inside your vulva), then you prefer clitoral orgasms. A slight majority of women are with you on this, and you may want to focus your attention on vibrators that are not dildos. However, if you’ve found that you prefer the feeling of something inside you, as opposed to some external rubbing, then you likely have a preference for the G-spot orgasm. In your case, looking at dildos (that are and are not vibrators) is a good idea.

What if you don’t know what you prefer? What if you’ve never had an orgasm before? (Or you can’t say for sure?) Well, ladies, that is just fine! When I bought my first vibrator, it was at the advice of a caring and wise gynecologist, after coming to her worried about the excess pain and lack of pleasure I felt during my first few months of having sex. Her advice: “Take a nice long bath, put on some music, and experiment with yourself. See what you like to do.” Since I had no idea what I might like, I bought a vibrator that looked pretty versatile: The Easy Glider. It can comfortably stimulate the G-spot as a dildo or pleasantly pleasure your clitoris, so I had the versatility to learn more about my body and my preferences. And I definitely figured out how to know if I had an orgasm.

Meet the Vibes:

Bullet, Eggs, and Rockets (Clitoral Vibrators):

  • Pocket Rocket is a crazy popular brand that you can find almost anywhere. I haven’t used one myself, but I’ve heard they are particularly good for beginners.
  • The RO 80mm Bullet and The Go-Go Bullet are pretty typical bullet vibes. I don’t own one (yet), but I like that they seem to be simple and easy to manipulate.
  • Babeland Leaf Life is one of the more fancy-schmancy, design-student-project vibrators. I must admit, I’m always drawn to their aesthetics and the contours tend to help them work well, but they also typically have a higher price tag.
  • The Club Vibe 2.OH is an example of how kooky and fun these guys can get. It’s remote controlled and can vibrate at different speeds to the beat of your music.

 

Just G-Spot Vibrators

  • The Tiger Vibe is a classic G-spot stimulator. Note its shape: that’s the most common shape to look for if you want a solid aim for your G-spot.
  • The G Swirl SmartVibes is another example of a vibrator that is designed for your G-spot. Either of these can probably do a decent job on your clitoris, but that’s not what they’re built for.

 

Versatile Vibrators (use them however you want*; good for beginners who are experimenting)

  • As I said above, The Easy Glider was my first vibe and it was perfect for starting out. Just $20, can be used inside and out, and has a spectrum of speeds.
  • My absolute favorite vibrator right now is another versatile one: the Lelo Gigi. (Explore the whole Lelo site as I’ve heard all their products are excellent.) The Gigi fits snugly wherever I want it and has a variety of vibrating patterns and intensity. The drawback, however, is the price. I got mine on sale through Amazon, though, so look out and snag those deals if you can!
  • If you can’t decide, get a kit! The Babeland Vibrator Starter Kit will get you a Silver Bullet, a G-spot stimulator Orchid G, and a Sonic Ring to put around anything that might be penetrating you and add some clitoral stimulation into the mix

 

*If you want to use a vibrator or any sex toy for anal play, make sure it looks like this, with a safety bit at the end that keeps it from completely entering the anus. Unlike a vagina, which is not super long and gets much smaller as you go deeper, your anus goes right on to your intestines. You definitely don’t want to go to the hospital to get anything embarrassing removed.

You may have heard of…

  • Rabbit Vibrators. These little guys have a nice bulbous dildo bit and a delicate little clitoris bit to stimulate both parts at once. I have The Butterfly Kiss, which is a Rabbit variation. One drawback is that sometimes the top of the dildo can be a bit big: Rabbits tend to come in a standard size, whereas ladies come in lots of different shapes and sizes, If you’re interested in trying, though, check out this little guy: My First Rabbit Vibe.
  • Hitachi Magic Wand. “The Cadillac of Vibrators” might look a bit alarming at first glance. The tennis ball–sized head is too big for most people to insert (though there are dildo attachments that are more manageable) and the thing looks more like a massager for shoulders and backs. That’s because when it was first marketed, it was a massager for shoulders and backs. Thank Betty Dodson and Sex and the City for finding its true purpose! The Hitachi is supposed to be very powerful—too powerful, in fact, for many. If you’re interested but intimidated, check out the smaller, less intense Mystic Wand.
  • The We Vibe. This little guy has appeared on Oprah, Dr. Oz, and more! The little U-shaped device fits snugly against your clit and your G-spot, stimulating both at once. Meanwhile, the vibe is small enough that your partner can penetrate you and enjoy the vibrations him or herself. There is a lot going on in there! I’ve never tried anything like this, but it certainly sounds exciting and there are tons of testimonials on the website if you’re interested.

 

Other Factors to Keep in Mind:

Intensity: 

If you’re a beginner to the vibrator world, you probably don’t yet know how intense you need your vibrator to be in order to enjoy it. You might buy your first vibrator only to feel under-stimulated by a little pocket rocket or over-stimulated by the Hitachi. For your first time, look for a vibrator with different vibration settings, so you can experiment. If possible, I prefer vibes with either several settings or a sliding scale of intensity so I don’t find one setting too light and the next one too intense. Also, many vibrators have different vibration patterns, which can be fun!

Volume:

I don’t know your sexy needs so this may not be a problem for you, but some vibrators are loud. Luckily, most websites have both a volume and intensity star rating system, so you can fit your purchase to your needs. And if you’re buying in a store, feel free to take out the vibrator and turn it on and listen to it. I would say that two stars is quiet enough to use if thin walls are all that separate you from your parents or even if you’re in the same room as a sleeping roommate, if that is the sort of daring thing you might do.

Power:

Once upon a time, all vibrators were powered by batteries. Today, you have far more options. Some vibrators plug into the wall. Some recharge with a wall outlet, but can hold their charge for a time (these are my favorite). Some are even solar-powered! Again, keep in mind your needs and preferences when shopping.

Materials:

Different materials give you different experiences, so it’s good to consider what you might want. Harder plastic and metal both transmit vibrations well, but they are also very firm and inflexible. Hard plastic, metal, glass, etc. are also nonporous, and are therefore super easy to clean with soap and water.

Soft plastic and jelly rubber can provide a lighter touch (but these can get powerful as well) and also offer flexibility that allows you to manipulate them easier. The downside of these is that they are extremely porous (so they can trap dirt and bacteria) and need to be washed very carefully and thoroughly, or else used with a condom.

Silicon is becoming a very popular material for sex toys. It is nonporous and easy to wash, and you can even boil it for extra disinfecting if there is no vibrator inside. Due to its popularity, there are now products with silicon blends as well, which can provide more flexibility but also more pores.

Lubes:

This could possibly be an entire article, but for now keep in mind some things about these four types of lubes:

    1. Water-based lubes are the most common and are compatible with condoms and silicone toys.
    2. Oil-based lubes are good for hand jobs, but break down condoms/latex and aren’t good for your silicon toys.
    3. Silicon-based lubes are long-lasting, but hard to wash out and expensive.
    4. Extra virgin coconut oil is an excellent lubricant and doesn’t leave you feeling sticky after, so it makes great massage oil as well.

 

Where to Buy / How to Shop:

Shopping online is my preference because I like to read reviews, check volume and intensity levels, search various sites to see if I can get the same thing cheaper elsewhere, etc. Some great sites to start with are Babeland and Good Vibes. Both are female-friendly, non-skeezy sites with good customer service and discreet shipping labels. I’ve heard that Adam & Eve is good too, though I have never bought anything there myself. I’ve also bought brand-name vibrators from Amazon on sale.

If you’re planning on going to a shop in person, look around for a women-friendly or an upscale sex shop, as you will probably be much more comfortable there than in a dirty room with girly magazines and leering creeps. Have a rough idea about what you’re looking for and know what you want to ask the sales clerk. If you have a friend with whom you’re comfortable talking about your sexy preferences, bring them along to get a second opinion and ease the tension you might feel going alone. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask for help! Ask for opinions and advice from the sales staff and have them put batteries in your options and turn them on for you. You can hear the volume and test the intensity on your nose to get an idea of what it will feel like.

In short: be brave, be unashamed, be sex-positive! Good luck!

VibesHero1

Photo by the author

Brainfood

Grammar 101

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The first step in understanding grammar is realizing punctuation does not make English work all by itself. Clarity comes from the structure of the sentence; punctuation just acts as the signage to make the roadway safer. To know where to put all those yield signs and stop lights, one must first understand how to break down a sentence.

Sentence Structure

We’ve all heard the words noun, verb, adjective, and object. But you may not have spared a thought for your sentence structure in over a decade!

Sentence structure centers on the action, just like a novel centers on the climax. If you can locate the verb (the action) of the sentence, you’re doing pretty well:

The highly sophisticated man hesitated to buy more champagne.

Wait, “hesitated” is a verb, but isn’t “to buy” also a verb? True, but since “to buy” is does not agree with the subject, we know it’s not the main action verb of the sentence. “Buying” is not what happened; what happened was the man “hesitating.”

In this example, “to buy” is a noun (the object of the sentence) and “to buy more champagne” is the full noun phrase. “Man” is also a noun in the full noun phrase, “the highly sophisticated man.”

A full noun phrase includes smaller units (articles, like “the,” and adjectives, like “highly sophisticated”). “Highly sophisticated” is a compound adjective composed of an adverb and an adjective. Many different combinations exist for compound adjectives; to better understand them we need to talk a bit about hyphens.

Hyphens

Hyphens are great for connecting words to achieve more precise meanings:

the “miniature dog competition” or

the “miniature-dog competition”

In the first example, we have a miniature competition for dogs; in the second, we have a competition for miniature dogs. The hyphen tells us that “miniature” modifies “dog,” making a compound adjective that modifies “competition.”

Compound adjectives come in different combinations that require hyphens, and here are just a few examples:

  • Adverb & Adjective (requires a hyphen, unless ending in –ly): well-known businesswoman or highly sophisticated man
  • Noun & Adjective (requires a hyphen): waste-free container or wild-goose chase
  • Noun & Noun (requires a hyphen): Blue-green eyes or Salt-and-pepper hair
  • Noun & Verb (requires a hyphen): Mind-blowing hypothesis

En-Dashes vs. Em-Dashes

En-dashes (–) work as super-duper hyphens: they can create compound adjectives by connecting other compounds, dates, times, etc.:

  • White House–like mansion
  • United Kingdom–United States relations
  • 1856–1943
  • 7:30–8:45

However, unlike hyphens and en-dashes, em-dashes (—) work to connect parts of a sentence instead of words.  Em-dashes are one of three punctuation options for parentheticals: commas, em-dashes, and parentheses. (More on parentheticals below.)

Visually these dashes can be deceiving but they are actually each different lengths. The hyphen is a short dash, while the en-dash is the length of a capital N and the em-dash is the length of a capital M. Since typewriters wrote in a monospaced typeface (like the font “Courier”), en-dashes and em-dashes were mimicked by using two hyphens in a row. Because of this tradition of typing, word processors on computers (like Microsoft Word) will translate two hyphens and automatically replace them with the en-dash and em-dash characters.

  • Between two words, type a space, two hyphens, and a space to create an en-dash
  • Between two words, type two hyphens without spaces to create an em-dash

Your word processor will replace the punctuation as you continue typing your sentence.

Parentheticals (Parentheses vs. Commas vs. Em-Dashes)

Parentheticals in sentences are like asides in a play: they’re inserted when you have extra information that the audience needs, even though the information doesn’t explicitly affect the action.

In the examples below, the sentence still centers on the action: what is being done (“hesitating to buy champagne”) and who is doing it (“the highly sophisticated man”).  All other information is extraneous, and it should be set apart in parentheticals.

The three types of parenthetical punctuation determine whether your actors will whisper, speak, or shout the aside.

Parentheses: “whispering,” or suppressing the information.

The highly sophisticated man hesitated to buy more champagne (even though it was on sale).

Commas: “speaking,” or providing no emphasis on the information.

The highly sophisticated man, because it was an unfamiliar brand, hesitated to buy more champagne.

Em-dashes: “shouting,” or drawing attention to the information.

The highly sophisticated man—who recently lost his fortune—hesitated to buy more champagne.

But what happens if we relocate the parenthetical in the second example?

The highly sophisticated man hesitated to buy more champagne, because it was an unfamiliar brand.

Because it was an unfamiliar brand, the highly sophisticated man hesitated to buy more champagne.

Oh, no!  “Because” at the beginning of a sentence!? Don’t worry: it’s okay! The entire parenthetical is acting as an introductory phrase, which is totally legit. (I promise that your elementary school teacher isn’t going to come after you in your sleep tonight.) Notice that there is only one comma in each of these sentences. This is because commas and en-dashes do not need to come in pairs the way parentheses do: think of them like bookends, which can hold up a stack of books against a wall to the left or right.

Terminal Punctuation in Parentheticals

One final punctuation tip: terminal punctuation (periods, exclamation points, and question marks) sometimes go within parentheses and sometimes don’t. So how do you know where to put them?

A terminal punctuation mark will go on the outside when it applies to a larger sentence, but when an entire sentence is enclosed in parentheses, the punctuation will stay with its sentence.

An easy way to figure it out is to locate your verb: if the verb is inside, so is the period; if the verb is outside, the period is too.

grammarHero

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

DIY, Home

8 Tools Everyone Should Own

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In college, the only “tools” I owned were thumbtacks and painters tape. This worked for me until I bought my first piece of Ikea furniture and realized that I might need something more. They might say you can assemble everything using wood screws and elbow grease, but there’s no reason you can’t make it a little easier on yourself. Someday you might even upgrade your home projects to something more advanced, and the following items will become your best friends in all of your endeavors. Because that’s what a tool is—a friend to make every job easier and better, but without the power of speech to criticize your choice of curtain rod or doorknob.

1. Hammer

If you ever want to hang a picture frame or to fix a loose board in your house, you’ll need a hammer. There’s no question. If you’re truly desperate, you can use the sturdy heel of a shoe to bang in a nail. But do yourself a favor on bigger projects (especially ones where other people can see you, e.g. repairing your front porch) and get a hammer. Pro Tip: For removing nails with the opposite end of the hammer—go slow and wiggle the tool just a bit to avoid yanking out a chunk of your wall.

2. Phillips-head Screwdriver

Aka, the fancy one with the cross-shaped head. Since the flathead screwdriver is pretty clear which one it is by its name, I just think ‘the fancy one has the fancy name’ when I’m at the toolbox and can’t remember what I actually want. Apart from switch and outlet plates, most screws you’ll use in your home are meant for a Phillips-head. If you don’t have one and the tightness of the screw isn’t too firm, or doesn’t need to be, you may be able to put some gum or putty on the screw head to fill in the extra slots and use a flathead. Phillips screws are typically used when you might want to use a power drill, because the drill bit is less likely to slip out of the screw and damage your wall/furniture/etc. More on power drills later.

3. Flathead Screwdriver

Flathead screws can’t be ignored. They’re on your light switch plates and outlet covers all around your apartment, so you’ll definitely want to have one in your box if you ever want to paint your apartment. Or if you ever decide you want one of these. 

4. Flashlight

The last thing you want when you have a leak under your sink or when the power goes out is to be without a flashlight. Okay, when the power goes out, candles are more romantic. But laying on your back, under your sink, looking for a leak surrounded by candles inside your wooden kitchen cabinet? Not the best idea. I keep one in my bedroom and in my car.

5. Tape Measure

Yes, I know you still have a your ruler from high school math class. But guess what? Your apartment (hopefully) is more than 12 inches across. I spent years making hash marks along my wall when measuring where to hang things, and let me tell you, it’s about a million times faster to just open the tape measure. Also, they’re bendy, so you can take your body measurements–my (not) favorite use.

6. Level

Actually, maybe a level isn’t the best addition on this list, because once you don’t have to climb up and down your ladder over and over checking that your new poster is level (how to use a level), you might have to pay for a gym membership to supplement your Stairmaster workout. Apologies.

7. Ruler

I know I just said that you want a tape measure. And you do. But the main benefit of having a ruler in your arsenal is that they have flat, straight edges. When you have two frames you need to hang 10 inches apart, you can hold up your level (see above) in line with the ruler and get the hanging of your frames right the first time.

8. Power Drill

My personal favorite tool. After the first time I tried to screw a shelf into a stud in the wall and felt like my arm was going to fall off, I got a power drill. It did the same job in two seconds AND didn’t make a mess out of the wall like I did. Nothing will make your life easier than a power drill. Home Depot has a handy guide in what to look for in a drill. The standard homeowner/renter would do well with a 12 Volt drill (18 Volt if your projects are a bit more heavy duty). You don’t need to get the most expensive option, but don’t get the cheapest either. You can be a bit stingier with the drill bits you get to go with your new toy.

Runner-ups: 

Ladder/Step Stool – I include this as a runner up only because not everyone needs one for half of their home projects like I do, and it’s only sort of a tool. I’m short, so hanging curtains isn’t exactly an option without at least a small step ladder. Most people can just pull over a kitchen chair and use that, but I have to have more height. Same goes for replacing light bulbs. My roommate and I have a small ladder that fits into the corner of a closet, and it’s one of the best investments we’ve ever made in terms of maintaining sanity.

Duct tape – I’m a big believer in having the right tool for a job. But sometimes that right tool is the wherewithal to admit you don’t know what you’re doing and throw some duct tape on it. It usually works.

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Home

Taming Your Garbage Disposal

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Exciting news! You have recently acquired a fabulous kitchen device called the garbage disposal. Amazing in that if you cook something, you just throw the scraps in there, hit a button and BAM—it’s gone! You save space in your trash can, the landfill, and get to take out some latent aggression on your produce.

But there are things you should never put in the garbage disposal. Save yourself the pain of throwing down money for a plumber with the following tips:

The DO-NOTs – Things you should NOT put down your garbage disposal:

  • Your Hand. In my opinion there were two awesome scenes from Season 1 of Heroes: When Claire (who can heal herself for those of you who haven’t seen it) walks out of the burning house charred from the nuclear explosion and when she sticks her hand down the garbage disposal to fetch a ring only to pull it up all mangled and bloody—showcasing EXACTLY why YOU should NOT stick your hand down a garbage disposal. It is a motorized rotating blade. Even if it is off—DO NOT RISK IT. One accidental flip of the wrong switch and…
  • Grease / Oil may be a liquid but it never should be poured down any drain. Why? Because as it cools, grease coagulates, and can clog your pipes
  • Starchy Veggies such as potatoes, broccoli, and other fiberful family members can also draw water and their long, tough, stringy fibers can tangle and jam the blades.
  • Bones & Fruit Pits will not meet defeat in the garbage disposal. These kitchen leftovers are simply too strong to be processed and can break the disposal’s blade. Be sure to dispose of them in a careful manner, keeping them out of reach of children and pets that could choke on them.
  • Shot Glasses, Plastics, Glass and Paper go in the recycling and not in the garbage disposal. This one should be obvious, despite what the UE Editor-in-Chief may think (Editor’s Note: I claim no knowledge of this, nor have I ever done this…if this had occurred, however, it was by pure and total accident, and ended very badly for everyone, particularly the garbage disposal.) Shot glasses and other broken household objects should never go in your garbage disposal because they will BREAK it.

The jury is still out…

  • Coffee Grounds are tough—there are two schools of thought: Some sources say that the grounds are greats for cleaning out your drain and freshening up odors. Others say they can stick and clog up the drains. I think it’s probably best to avoid putting these babies down the disposal and looking into some of these alternative re-uses for coffee grounds.

The DOs – Things you should put down your garbage disposal:

  • Lemon, Lime and other Citrus peels throw a couple of these peels down the drain and you’ll have a cleaner, better smelling garbage disposal in no time. One of the reason you find citrus fruits in so many household-cleaning products is that they are cleansing and non-corrosive. Citrus juice can even strip dirt from under your fingernails without much effort at all. (Think about that next time you order water with lemon.)
  • Ice, Ice, Baby. (Sorry, couldn’t stop myself.) Crunching large amounts of ice, and a bit of vinegar, in your garbage disposal will help sharpen and clean its blades.

Pro Tip: Is it hot and sticky in the summer? Is your home prone to fruit flies and other winged visitors? If you’re having trouble getting rid of them it’s probably because they are living in your sink drains. Kill them and prevent them from coming back by pouring large amounts of ice over your drain. This makes it too cold for them to lay eggs and survive.

Now that you’re an expert garbage disposal user—feel free to grind away!

Photo by Meaghan Morrison