Tag Archives: dating

Relationships

Long Distance Sucks: How to Make it Suck Less

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For two years, my partner and I lived across the country, on opposite coasts. It was totally worth it, because he’s awesome, but the situation was awful. There are really no two ways about it. I constantly felt like I was reevaluating my decision to leave the city we both lived in for a really fantastic career opportunity, making me wonder if I was ungrateful. Or I would listlessly watch airline prices go up and down. All in all, it was a super fun set of emotions.

Here are a few of the things that worked for me to make things suck a little less:

Know your tools: The Internet makes life a lot better. For example, just seeing a familiar person’s face on a screen can boost your mood automatically. And if it’s your partner’s face—even better! Skype, Google Calendar, FaceTime, Google Hangouts, AIM, Tinychat, Instagram, Snapchat: all of these are ways to informally and quickly stay in touch via the Internet. Relationships are not all about two hour heart-to-hearts. While those are great, I need to feel like my daily quota of small cutesy interactions is being filled. These apps/programs/services work super well for this. A good friend who is currently in a long distance relationship recommends the app Couple, which allows you to text, play games, make pictures, and “finger kiss”—a little cheesy, yes, but what isn’t?

Know when the long distance will end: But don’t necessarily keep a countdown on your phone if it’s more than a couple months, mmk? No need to remind yourself that there are 682 days ‘till you can live in the same time zone. However, knowing that there was a stop date sometime in the future made it so I didn’t slip into ennui.

Know when you’ll see them next: This is a good one to keep as a countdown on your phone, if you are able to visit during your time apart. My partner and I would always try to book tickets for our next trip when we were physically together so that there was never any “I don’t know when I’ll see you next” time. This wasn’t always possible, but was incredibly helpful when we could manage it.

Know your limits: Mine, for whatever reason, is 30 days. Exactly, like clockwork. After that, I better go to Costco for tissues. There is just something about passing that thirty-day mark where things get really tricky. This doesn’t mean that I bought plane tickets every month (because, damn, flights from DC to SF can be expensive), but I knew that I would need more support from my partner and my friends after the thirty-day mark. In fact, we typically saw each other about every three months, so I knew to make friend dates and phone catch-up nights more regularly during months two and three of apart-time. I learned to actively seek out support before things got hard. Speaking of…

Know your support network: Who can you call when you are at wits’ end about this stupid decision and stupid world that makes life stupid and hard who won’t say “Well, you chose to do long distance”? Hearing that when you are at rock bottom will only show you that there are actually a couple more special levels of hell you have yet to explore. Make a list of people who support you well (newsflash, not all friends are equally supportive) and tape it to your fridge so you don’t have to think hard when you already are feeling totally ragged.

Know your schedule: Worst for me was not knowing when I would talk to my S.O. next. Even if it’s only a 10 minute chat, knowing I got ten minutes of phone time at 7pm on Tuesdays was really comforting to me! Google Calendar is great for this. Try to work the time difference to your advantage, if there is one. Is there any chance your lunch break is while they are eating breakfast? Or your break between classes is when they are driving home from work? It’s definitely worth exploring to find the parts of your schedule that make for easy touch-base times. Share your calendars and give your partner permission to make changes to events. Maybe it’s me, but I always loved having a meeting with my partner pop up unexpectedly on my schedule.

Know what you need: Have really open and clear conversations about what you need in order to make it work. Does that mean you need them to respond to your texts within at least an hour or two? Fine. Does that mean you need to watch a movie together over Skype every two weeks? Talk it out. Daily mix tapes expressing your general mood? Okay, if you’ve got that kinda time, it’s definitely worth throwing the suggestion out there. Not every request needs to be honored, but it does need to be discussed.

Know what happens next: Do you move in together when you are back in the same place? Are you considering marriage? These are huge questions, I know, but they’re totally reasonable. Long distance is work, and I personally think that if you’re going to do it, it shouldn’t be just because you don’t feel like breaking up. This does not mean you have to walk out the door engaged or anything. But it’s good to know you are on the same page, whether the agreement is that you both think this might be a good marriage someday (if you decide marriage is a thing you both want to do), or just that the goal is that you will live within 10 miles in 5 years. Coming back and having the relationship fall apart because there was no discussion about where things were going is totally common, and can make you feel like you wasted a lot of time not hooking up with all the new available people in the place where you moved (you know, if that’s your jam).

Know that when you’re together, it may not be a bed of roses: I would beat myself up when I would hit a rough patch with my partner when he was in town, because ugh this is the only time I get to see him! Which led to this strange anger/shame/frustration spiral that inevitably ended with me lying on the floor sobbing and him just beyond confused. You are in a real relationship, and putting on a perfect face for the weekend/week/month they are around just doesn’t work. Yes, you should work hard to fully enjoy the time together, but allow yourself to be a human being with complex emotions. You’ll feel more whole, and be able to work through the issues more quickly if you aren’t also dealing with feeling like a failure for being upset.

Bottom line, there is no cure-all for being in different cities, states, countries or continents (besides moving to the same place), but there are definitely ways to make it less painful.

Any other tips and tricks? Leave a comment below to share your experiences and successes!

Photo by Sara Slattery

Relationships

Expectations vs. Reality: Living in Sin

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“Ooooh, I guess things are gettin’ pretty serious, huh?”

If you are preparing to move in with your sig-o, get ready to hear that every day of your life for the foreseeable future.

But what the heck does that even mean… “Things are gettin’ pretty serious”? In the year 2013, what qualifies as a “serious enough relaysh” that you’d consider moving in together? Only you and your guy/gal can accurately answer that question. It’s different for everybody, so this won’t be a discussion about how to know if it’s the right move. But whether you’re gearing yourself up to put a ring on it or cruising along at a gentler pace, one thing remains constant: living together changes (almost) everything. You might not expect it to, especially if you’ve practically been living together the entire time you’ve been dating. But, as one half of a couple that just took a jaunty stroll down this road, here are a few realities of the situation that might differ a smidge from your expectations.

The actual physical moving of apartments was rather eye-opening for me. I think I’ll start with that. Moving day is about as relaxing as that moment when your best friend just became a zombie, and you must decide whether or not to blow his head off because in about five seconds he’s going to eat your face. Moving is a dangerous dance! It’s likely you’ve never seen your sig-o handle stress of this kind before. Our move went a little something like this: we decided to do it ourselves, with friends and a U-Haul. Except, in the end, only one super-dedicated friend actually stuck with us the whole day, the U-Haul rental place was far away and threw off our whole schedule, and we were not as well-packed as we thought we were. A mattress was thrown off a balcony. Things of a somewhat vile variety were uttered. So… my advice for the big day? Fork over the cash, and hire a moving company. Really. U-Haul often tacks on all kinds of extra fees anyway, so in the end it’s not that much cheaper. If you hire movers, you can focus on the excitement of your first awesome apartment together instead of: “Hey, Liz, please don’t hold that chair like you have 6-inch T-Rex arms, the legs are going to—!”“Uhh, do we have a hot glue gun? The legs of this chair all fell off.”

But if you do decide to DIY, take comfort in this: if your relationship comes out of moving day intact, it can probably survive anything!

Something else I wasn’t quite expecting was the fact that just because we liked each other, it would not necessarily mean we liked each other’s stuff. Once we got through the move and started putting things in their proper places, there were several instances of, “Oh… wait, we’re hanging that? On an actual wall in our actual home?” When we lived in our respective apartments with roommates, we always had our own rooms—spaces that were completely our own. But now, for the first time ever, the entire space was shared space. The solution in this case is simple, but it requires patience. Over time, invest in nice, new things that you both like. If you’re not lucky enough to have your tastes perfectly align, I recommend having a joint “cool new shit” fund. It doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg, either. Go to the flea market together and get an antique desk or a funky painting (then do as I do, and go home and watch Flea Market Flip for 3 hours and proclaim, with bloated self-confidence, “We could totally make that table, why aren’t we on this show?!”).

Which obviously leads me to this addendum: Definitely try to make some of this stuff if you’re crafty types! In the end, you might have to make a few concessions. But focus on getting new stuff together, instead of stewing over how much you know he/she loathes your antelope-shaped candelabra (yeah, that’s mine).

Also, speaking of joint purchasing ventures: maybe you were expecting the money questions to kind of answer themselves, or that you’d both be impeccable about splitting all household expenses evenly. But you need to chat about it. My philosophy is 50/50, all the way—on everything from the cable bill to groceries, no matter which person the food “belongs” to (so this means, yes, I spend just as much on his ground beef as he does on my veggie burgers and tofu). But definitely have an honest conversation about your finances before you move. If one of you is a little more solvent than the other, that’s okay. Maybe you agree on 70/30 or 60/40. But whatever you decide, have a mathematical layout and stick to it. It’s easy to get sloppy with that kind of thing, but it’s also the thing most couples wind up fighting about!

Another notable change is the sharing of people. Two-Buck-Chuck-Ladies-Night-In will take on a different form. As will five-hour Xbox/Chipotle-scarfing marathons. Your single-social behavior is going to change, which is weird, right? It’s not like either of you were “single” before this. But now, when you have friends over, even if you have the space for each person to operate independently, you may feel it’s necessary to try to include one another. And that’s great! I love when the important people in my life get to know one another better. My heart is easily warmed by everybody getting on like peanut butter and jelly. But I definitely wasn’t expecting this change in the social atmosphere. Now every friend visitation is pre-examined, case-by-case. If my best girlfriend needs to drink half a bottle of wine and give me a very graphic play-by-play of her latest sexcapade, I will suggest a trip to the bar instead of inviting her over, as was our usual M.O. when I was living alone.

This accomplishes two things: firstly, it stops you from inadvertently making your sig-o feel like they’re intruding just because they’re there. Sloppy secondly, it gets you the hell out of the apartment, which leads me to another unexpected possible side effect of co-habitation. “Co-Hermitation,” I like to call it. It happens to pretty much everybody. It’s totally normal. You’re together, so you’re being social even if you’re staying in. It’s a scientific fact. But if you can break the cycle now and then, have at it!

Now, here’s the thing that I think is the biggest expectation-buster of them all. And, a lot of the time, it could be an expectation that other people have imposed upon you because you made this decision. But here’s the thing: moving in together is an enormous sign of commitment. Yes. But there’s a reason you signed a lease instead of a marriage certificate. Living together might be a step in that direction, but if you ask me (which you sort of did because you continued to read up until this point!), moving in with someone you love should be treated as the ultimate personal experiment. You did it because you wanted to be 30000% sure that this is the right person for you, and there are certain things you’ll only understand about your relationship and the “rightness” of it if you’ve lived with this person. That’s what you needed, so that’s what you decided to do. Not everybody needs this “experiment.” Your parents may not have needed it (as they might endlessly point out to you). But this is the 21st century and, more often than not, this is how we roll as adult people who love each other.

However, let it be known that if this experiment does not meet your expectations, if something changes and this relationship no longer makes you happy, living together does not have to mean that you’re in-it-to-win-it for life. Try to make it work. Try and try again, dammit. Not every day is going to be a rollicking honeymoon. But in the end, if it’s just not meant to be, don’t let anyone guilt you into treating it like a divorce. You moved in with this person so you’d know what they’re really all about. And that’s exactly what you came out of it understanding. I SALUTE YOU if this is you presently or if it ever has been you.

Now, I don’t want to leave anyone feeling sad, because who would I be if I did that? Sheesh. So before I sign off, here are a few more hints, practical or otherwise, that you may or may not find useful in your newfound co-habitative bliss:

  • If you have pets, then guess what: your girlfriend/boyfriend also inherited said pets. You may have said things like, “I promise, the dog is mine, you don’t have to clean up after him or feed him or anything, he’s just gonna exist in the house.” But if you all exist in this household together, man and beast, it’s highly likely that that animal will become a greater shared entity than you expected, for better or worse. So, like… definitely make sure the dog isn’t keen on pooping in his/her shoes.
  • If the fact that she throws wet towels on the bed after a shower makes you rage, for the love of God, just tell her! She probably doesn’t even know she’s doing it, okay? Old habits die hard. It’s a hard knock life, living alone. Nobody tells you not to do this kind of stuff!
  • Same goes for cleaning in general. If you have a different definition of the word “clean,” you should probably come to grips with it and find a harmonious happy medium. People like slobs just about as much as they like that OCD 6 am vacuumer.
  • Two TVs or no TV. I’m so serious. One in the bedroom and one in the living room or none at all! I think everybody appreciates what I mean by this!
  • And one more thing, coming at you from the bed where I currently sit, battling a sore throat that I’m convinced is morphing into flu symptoms minute-by-minute: get familiar with each other’s sick day behavior. People usually treat sick people how they want to be treated when they’re ill, whether that’s with 24/7 doting or with a suck-it-up-hands-off approach. As I sit here contemplating whether or not I want to get up and make some honey-lemon tea, I wonder whether or not he knows that I might want somebody to make it for me. Hmmmm.

Stay tuned for next month’s article on how to maximize your sickness sympathy potential (a beginner’s guide).

Moving in w_your sig other square

Photo by Sara Slattery

Sex

An Introduction to Kink

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So you want to get into BDSM? Welcome! The scene—in other words, the world of BDSM—can be a lot of fun, and people are generally friendly to newbies. All of this can seem intimidating, but just remember that everything should be “safe, sane and consensual.”

Here’s at least some of what you can expect:

Sex doesn’t need to be a part of your BDSM play.

There’s an assumption that BDSM is all about sex, but plenty of people have had scenes (a BDSM session with a partner) without even taking clothes off.

Expect a spectrum of interests.

BDSM can mean bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. People into BDSM are as diverse as people anywhere are.

The definition of this is slightly different for some people, but generally speaking, “safe, sane and consensual” means you’ll be having safer sex, not trying anything too risky if you haven’t been trained, not playing around with kink (I’ll use “kink” interchangeably with “BDSM”) under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and not doing anything kinky that both partners haven’t agreed to first. Bigger cities and conferences offer classes so people can become experts (classes are a great way to learn about something without trying it in a scene, by the way).

People who aren’t in the kink lifestyle often assume it’s all about “whips and chains”, but lots of kinky people never use either. Some people who are into impact play might use whips, but they could also use floggers or canes or belts or bare hands. Or even wooden spoons! Anything to make an impression (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun).

Despite what you might read in Fifty Shades of Grey, bondage isn’t the first step for many people. Bondage is something you do with someone you really trust.

How do you know what a potential play partner is into?

Well, you negotiate beforehand. It’s common for people to talk before a session together and work out activities that both people are comfortable with, as well as a way to end the session if things aren’t as expected. For example, play partners can agree on a safe word; it can be any word that isn’t likely to come up (so “no” or “ow” isn’t a good safe word, because a person can say those in conversation, without wanting things to stop). Some people use “red” as a safe word, with “yellow” as a warning that the scene might be getting too intense. Safe words aren’t the only tool at one’s disposal to be safe: there are plenty of other safeguards that you can use, depending on what you’re doing. Another example is a safe call, where you make an arrangement with a third party (not a play partner) that if you don’t call by, say, 11 pm and say that you’re safe, they’ll call the police.

One of the hardest things about kink is knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, so that you can negotiate these things with a partner. A way to figure out some of your kinks is to pay attention to what turns you on—it can be something that will surprise you!

Some people are more dominant, and some are more submissive. Others are equally comfortable in either role, and switch between the two: these people are known as “switches.” People who are more dominant might identify as a “dominant” or a “master”; submissives might identify as a “sub” or as a “slave.” Although “dominant” and “master” seem like synonyms, they aren’t, and that’s true for “sub” and “slave,” too.

So where can you find people to play with?

Fetlife.com, a social networking site for kinksters, is a great first step. You can use it as a way to find other like-minded people near you, or you can look at the groups. There’s a group—a chat board, essentially—for any kink you can imagine, and probably a bunch you can’t. The “Novices & Newbies” board has a section with frequently asked questions that is a tremendously useful resource.

That said, be aware that not everyone in your life will be accepting of your kinky leanings, so take it slowly when you “come out” to others about your interest in BDSM. You might want to be cautious about using your full name and a easily-recognized photo on Fetlife. (My photo doesn’t show my face, and I don’t use my real name—a choice made by many people in the scene. That’s also why this is being written anonymously!)

If you are wary about Internet security, how do you find out about kink?

There are some very useful books:

  • SM 101 by Jay Wiseman (Greenery Press, 1998) is an older title, but it has useful information about the basics of BDSM.
  • Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (Greenery Press, 2012) gives plenty of details about how to find people like you, how to negotiate with them, and even what to wear when you see them.

Regardless of what you’re into, remember to take it slowly! No need to rush into the scene—it will still be there in a week, a month, or a year. You’ll want time to figure out what you want.

Relationships

10 Red Flags You’re Seeing a Douchebag

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We all have weaknesses. Some people can’t stop themselves from eating a great piece of chocolate cake or buying those way-too-expensive designer shoes.

I, Charlotte Lewis, have a douchebag problem.

I am a sucker for a bad boy with a heart of gold. But the problem is that most bad boys don’t have a heart of gold. Or if they do, it is way too far beneath layers of issues they refuse to take care of. And honestly, in my experience, it’s way more likely they’re just straight-up assholes.

So, to help me (and all those out there like me), here are some sexual red flags I’ve compiled from my last few bad boys. Hopefully, this Douchebag Checklist will help us both steer clear of those not-so-nice guys or girls and remember that there are way better people waiting somewhere for us.

1.  Doesn’t come prepared (no condoms). This is not the most terrible offense, but if I’m taking precautions and spending money on birth control, I don’t think it’s wrong to ask the same of my date. The pill won’t protect you from STIs, and if he’s “forgetting” to bring condoms with you, chances are he’s done it before. But as a modern girl, it doesn’t hurt to have some on standby just in case.

2.  Leaves hickies in places you can’t cover up. Is there anything worse than going into work and having to wear a giant scarf in the dead of summer when it’s 100° outside? People know what’s under there! It’s embarrassing, especially when a coworker asks you if you’re hot and winks at you. True story.

3.  Holds your orgasms over your head. It may sound like a lot of fun at first to have someone constantly try to increase the number of orgasms they can provide you (and to be honest, it is), but after a while, it becomes too much of a game. He can hold “your number” over your head to create a power imbalance, especially when he’s withholding his own orgasm, that’s really not fun at all in the end.

4.  Comes over drunk. Drinking together can be a fun social activity, but coming over at the end of the night, after the drinking is already done? Not cool! I once got called out of bed, on a weekend when my mom was visiting, to pick my guy up from a bar at 1 am. And I went! Because he said he needed me. Oh, jeez—hindsight is 20/20.

5.  You’ve never met his/her friends. Not everyone is going to introduce you to their group of friends right away, but if you’ve been seeing each other for an extended period of time and you have the sneaking suspicion their friends don’t even know you exist? Not the best.

6.  You’re not allowed to sleep over at their place. Even though this guy had slept over in my bed multiple times, I was told that his bed was his sanctuary, and he needed to create a boundary there. Umm… okay.

7.  Pillow talk consists of dissecting their last relationship. We can all be this person from time to time. And it’s totally natural to talk out past relationship woes with a new suitor—in fact, sometimes it can be totally hilarious to swap horror stories. But if you know more about their past relationship than their current life, it is probably time to move on.

8.  Cheated on all their exes (and talk about it freely). Oh my god, this one is the worst! As someone who is looking for a monogamous relationship, the amount of times I’ve heard “I thought we were broken up” or “We were on a break” as excuses for cheating is enough to make me want to never date again. I even once had a guy look me straight in the eye and tell me that he had never not cheated on an ex… as a selling point. I’m sad to say that I still went out with him.

9.  Values their own kinks over your enjoyment. If something doesn’t feel right sexually, I want to be able to speak up. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new things, but “Hold on, can I please finish?” is never an appropriate response to “Can you wait a second?” (It only happened once, and I never saw him again).

10.  He/she’s a self-proclaimed asshole. This is really the crux of it. Yes, I’m a total sucker for a broken soul, but if someone is upfront with you and tells you from the get-go that they’re an asshole, the chances are they’re not lying. Value their honesty by listening.

Although fictional bad boys are totally swoon-worthy and have inspired the nurturer in me to soothe his pain and coax that sweet boy out from his tough exterior, reality has taught me that those boys don’t necessarily exist. And I’d probably be better off saving myself the pain and heartbreak and looking for a nicer guy next time.

Douchebag Square

Photo by Remi Coin

Sex

Handjob Etiquette

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The date is going well. You’re kissing, petting, and the hands are going south. Ziiiiip… Is it time for a handjob?
Why HJs?

If you have a penis, chances are you’ve been giving yourself handys since puberty. Hands are how we primarily interact with things, it is the default setting for all tool use, so it doesn’t really make sense why that wouldn’t extend to the use of your tool. It’s more a question of “’why not?’”

Some folks don’t like giving head, which is understandable. Some people don’t like receiving blowjobs (which I think is less understandable, but to each their own). There is a time and a place for handjobs—specifically when it’s too early in the dating process for anything more (i.e. oral or sex), but dammit, that end-of-date kissing was awesome and intense and neither of you want to stop.

Also, avoiding STIs and pregnancy are some key health reasons behind choosing HJs over an end-of-date BJ. It’s very difficult to catch something from an HJ. You can catch almost anything during oral sex that you can during vaginal/anal intercourse, so there is no health advantage with oral sex, over intercourse, other than avoiding pregnancy.

Oral and vaginal/anal intercourse are often considered to be much more intimate than an HJ. People might just not be emotionally ready for sex, but still want to fool around and trade orgasms.

Attitude

“I wanted a blowjob! What’s this bullshit?” or “Aw, man, I’m not getting sex tonight. This sucks!” are common and highly inappropriate responses to a person who is kind enough to lift and lower your love pump to climax, and will likely result in you not getting any further sex acts from this person.

Life is too short for bad sex, and the same can be said for handjobs. Semi-sexy -time should be honored, respected, and most importantly, enjoyed.

Cues to an HJ

When making out in a private or semi-private space, heavy petting can lead to heavy petting down south. This is about a half-step from an HJ. If they’re down there for more than a minute, go ahead and unzip. Don’t whip your dick out; let them dig it out in case they don’t want to dive under the underwear.

CAUTION: Beware of HST (handjob standard time). Count Mississippis if you have to. Make sure it’s actually been a minute, and not just your wishful thinking. Generally speaking though, hand-on-dick is a good indicator. Transversely, when your partner puts your hands on their genitals, you’re probably good to go. Rules of reciprocity imply that they’re down for what they’re doing to you.

Mid-HJ Etiquette

Givers:

  • Never look bored. Your hand might be getting tired, but don’t look up at your partner with the “Am I going to get carpal tunnel?” look in your eyes. Stay involved, stay interested, and your partner will feel that way. Encourage your partner to keep their hands busy as well.
  • Don’t just jerk the thing. As in all things sexual, there is an art to it. Alternate speed, grip, and grip strength. Find out what your partner likes, not what Cosmo says he likes.

Receivers:

  • Be involved with your partner. Use this time to at least apply your foreplay skills. I’m not going to give you general foreplay tips—that’s an entirely different article.
  • Give them a handy. I find I have a much better time when the lady kind enough to lend me a hand also has a good time. Same principle applies if your partner has a penis. Be nice to them; they’re being nice you.
  • The above is especially important because a dick is a simple mechanism. There is really a limit to how complex a technique one could use to jerk a penis. It only involves the hand, and it gets boring. Don’t bore your partner; keep them engaged. Keep your body close to theirs. If they’re turned on, their hand won’t tire as fast.

Cleanup

No one likes dealing with ejaculate. I’m a man, I’ve been around my ejaculate since puberty, and as soon as that shit leaves my body, I want to be as far away from it as possible. You don’t want to be caught unprepared to deal with jizz—you could turn what has been some very pleasant semi-sexy -time into an awkward “where-do-I-wipe-this?” moment that kills the entire encounter.

Be polite—this means not ejaculating on another person’s property without their expressed approval and enthusiasm. Some people are into it, but many aren’t. This is especially true if you’re in a car, and especially if this person has been nice enough to drive your ass around and tug your luxury liner into port. Ejaculation etiquette is paramount.

Don’t jizz on their cushions. Don’t jizz on the dash. I wouldn’t advise you try to jizz out of the door or window. Not only will you probably draw undue attention to yourself, if you miss you’ll make the inside of the car door look like Slimer’s albino cousin just left the building.

If it’s your own car, your partner might think you’re gross. Jizz on yourself, and again, your partner might think you’re gross. This isn’t a problem if you never want to have this person jerk you off again, but assuming you do, it helps that your partner not think of you as some sort of semen slob.

Kleenex isn’t ideal. And, unless the person jacking you off is a mother of three and is driving a wood-paneled station wagon, odds are they won’t be handy. If you’re a male in his 20s, having Kleenex in your car is conspicuous. It may look like you use Kleenex to mop up the aftermath of masturbatory missions ten times for every one time you use them to blow your nose. I know it. You know it. Unless your partner is woefully naïve, they will know it too.

There is an ideal solution: moist towelettes. Like the kind you get from a fast food restaurant. Let’s say this was a premeditated palm penis-polishing, but you didn’t want it to appear to be planned and risk losing the excitement of spontaneity. Before your date, go to KFC and order something small and see if you can get some moist towelettes. (I like to get the cornbread.) You can keep them on stock for months at a time. Just pop one into your pocket on your way to your date. Cleanup is quick, easy, and convenient—no awkwardness or ejaculatory acrobatics required.

Aim

You don’t have to be Robin Hood. When you’re squaring off manmeat-a-mano, stay on the mano. (Your partner is using their hand, so keep it on the hand as best you can.) Warn your partner—try to give them about three seconds to dodge, dip, duck, and/or dive as they wish. In my experience, they just shift their hand a bit to make certain they don’t get any on their hair or clothing.

After that, conveniently produce a moist towelette, and enjoy a bit of afterglow. (Don’t forget to return the favor if she/he so desires.) Kiss goodnight, and pat yourself on the back for a handjob well-received.

HJ3

Photo by Sara Slattery

Health, Sex

Understanding STIs

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My first introduction to STIs was when I was 14.

No, guys, not like that! My mother, a cardiologist, always believed in firmly and openly talking about health issues. While I can respect her openness and transparency, I’ll never forget her methods.

I came downstairs ­to wait for dinner while my mom was rustling about upstairs in her room. She then came running down the stairs like a little girl, holding ripped-out pages of an American Medical Association journal, all showcasing a wide range of STIs with detailed photographs of the most extreme outbreaks and symptoms.

“These will be the dangers you face in life if you don’t protect yourself,” she said morosely, before breaking into a laugh, and setting the table.

In case you weren’t lucky enough to consume images of genital warts with your meatloaf, I’ve taken the liberty to break down the various types of common STIs in the U.S. Also, since I host a sexual health web series, I decided that I should share my research with you, instead of just maintaining a questionable Internet search history on my computer. Unlike my mother, I don’t recommend reading this over dinner.

Chlamydia 

What it is & Symptoms:

Chlamydia is the popular kid at the party, as it is the most frequently reported STI in the United States.  It is a curable STI, spread through unprotected anal, oral or vaginal intercourse and exchange of body fluids. Known as the “silent infection,” many times, it remains symptomless. In fact, 50% of men and 75% of women with the infection actually show no signs.

However, if you do show symptoms, they can show up weeks after exposure, and may include burning during urination or abnormal vaginal or penile discharge.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Generally, doctors will test urine samples or take sample secretions from a man’s urethra or a women’s cervix.  If you test positive, the doctor will prescribe antibiotics that will rid you of the disease within 1–2 weeks. However, you should be sure to take the medication for the entire duration prescribed. Repeat infections are very common, so refrain from any sexual activity ‘til your follow up test comes back negative.

If left untreated, chlamydia can result in urethritis for men or potential reproductive issues for women.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

Chlamydia has been around for a thousand years, but only in the 1960s was it finally classified as an STI. Talk about a drastic makeover.

Gonorrhea

What it is & Symptoms:

Gonorrhea is also a curable STI transmitted through unprotected oral, anal, and vaginal intercourse and body fluid exchange with someone infected. Symptoms can appear 2–5 days after infections, but in men, symptoms make take months to show up. In fact, some don’t even have symptoms.

Some male symptoms may include burning and increased frequency when urinating, discharge from the penis, and swollen testicles. In women, symptoms are generally very mild and vague, often mistaken for a bladder or a vaginal infection.

Diagnosis and Treatment:

Like chlamydia, gonorrhea is diagnosed through a urine sample and also treated with antibiotics. Generally, if you are positive for gonorrhea, you should also get tested for sister diseases, such as chlamydia and syphilis.

If left untreated, gonorrhea can spread to the blood and joints. For men, it can cause a painful condition in the tubes attached to the testicles, which can potentially lead to infertility. For women, it can spread to the uterus.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

Gonorrhea is also known as “the clap.” Many people believe the name came from the French brothels, known as the les clapiers, because the men who frequented them eventually ended up with the infection. So basically, blame the French. 

Syphilis

What it is & Symptoms:

Syphilis is a bacteria-based STI that is also curable. It can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact with someone who is infected with syphilis sores. Symptoms can appear from 10–90 days after infection.  There are actually four stages of syphilis, with the first two being highly infectious.

    1. Primary: One or more sores show up where syphilis has entered the body, generally near the genitals. The sore is firm, round and painless, and can easily go unnoticed. It lasts 3–6 weeks and goes away on its own, regardless of treatment. However, it can then progress to the second stage.
    2. Secondary Stage:  Flu-like illness, a non-itchy rash covering the whole body or in patches, patchy hair loss, and white patches on the tongue or in the mouth are all symptoms.
    3. Latent stage: If secondary stage syphilis is untreated, it can turn into latent. Here, the primary and secondary stage symptoms all clear up, even though the syphilis remains in the body. This latent stage can last for years before progressing.
    4. Tertiary Stage: 15–30% of people infected with syphilis who don’t get treatment will go onto tertiary or late stage, where the disease can damage your brain, eyes, heart, blood vessels and bones. These problems can occur many years after the original infection.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Syphilis is diagnosed through a blood test and may be cured with about two weeks of antibiotics depending on the stage that it was discovered in.  If left undiagnosed, syphilis can spread to the brain over a long period of time, hence its reputation for driving a person “insane.”

Dinner Trivia Fact:

Rumor has it that Christopher Columbus may have spread syphilis in Europe/Old World after catching it on his fateful trip to America in 1492. Suddenly, a t-shirt doesn’t look like such a bad travel souvenir.

Genital Warts

What it is & Symptoms:

Genital warts are generally caused by a strain of HPV, which spreads through skin-to-skin contact during unprotected oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse. Many times, warts will take six weeks to six months, or sometimes years, after infection to show up. It’s important to note that the strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer are not the same types that cause warts.

Genital warts can be so tiny that you don’t see them, and can resemble flesh-colored bumps or cluster together, looking like cauliflower. They are found on the tip of the penis, scrotum, vagina, or in or around the anus.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Doctors can diagnose genital warts by examining them under a lens. There is no cure for HPV, but there are methods to treat visible warts that should only be done by a doctor. Doctors may give you a prescription cream, medication, or remove warts through surgery; however, since the virus itself cannot be cured, warts may return within 3 months of treatment.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

There are over 120 strains of HPV, but the body can clear most strains. Only certain types advance to cancer or warts. Basically, your body is a soldier! How’s that for a positive body image?

Genital Herpes

What it is & Symptoms:

Herpes is highly contagious and spreads through sexual fluids or saliva exchange with an infected person.

Herpes actually comes in two forms, the HSV1 and the HSV2 strains, which affect both men and women in the mouth or on the genitals. HSV1 strains are commonly known as cold sores that are found around the mouth; these are not the same as genital herpes, which are caused by HSV2 strains. Many times, herpes shows no symptoms, so those that are affected will not know. If you do have symptoms of genital herpes, some of them may include clear or white pearl-like blisters in the genital area and itchy, burning rashes. You’ll generally have an outbreak about 2-30 days after being infected.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

A doctor can diagnose herpes through a blood test or by taking a sample from your sore. Once you have herpes, it will never go away. You can only manage how frequently you have an outbreak.

For treatment, your doctor will give you antiviral medications, so you can stay symptom-free longer. After the outbreak goes away (usually 2–4 weeks), the virus lies dormant in the cells, and can reoccur when you have any reduced immunity.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

It’s estimated that 1 out of 5 Americans have genital herpes. This should make you look at your classmates at your high school reunion in a different light.

Important Note: if you test positive for any of these STIs, you should tell your partner and any previous partners that you may have potentially infected. For future sexual experiences, prevention is really the key. Take the necessary precautions by getting tested and discussing the results and options with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.

Shoot, if you need any help communicating, I can send some of my mother’s magazine images your way.

By Michelle White

By Michelle White

Relationships

Check please! Surviving a bad date.

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Navigating the dating landscape can be impossible. Too often, trying to balance work and fun prompts the raging debate: is this situation casual or something to pursue long-term? However, on occasion, there are those woefully horrible dates that make the decision for you. And before you’re done debating sparkling vs. still, one of you is not-so-secretly trying to light the tablecloth on fire in an attempt at a stealthy getaway.

Prevention Is The Best Protection

Recently, a friend and I decided to swap horrible dating stories. While I blathered on about a rude waiter and a date who covered everything in ranch dressing, she countered with a guy who took her to dinner and got a hotel room to celebrate what he thought­­ was the next step in a blossoming relationship—two dates in. Knowing ahead of time that she wasn’t all that interested in the guy, she cunningly told her roommate to call at 11pm with an “emergency” that required her to go home immediately. Sure enough, the call came in, after a curt reminder that getting a hotel was extremely presumptuous, she was safely in a cab and he was left on the curb.

When a dating train wreck is on the horizon, it’s best to politely decline upfront. But, if you really can’t get out of it, a friend in need can be the perfect scapegoat. The biggest trick is knowing (1) what is plausible, and (2) what is least likely to blow up on you.

Be Blunt

Chances are that if you aren’t enjoying yourself, neither is your date. Being upfront and stating the obvious can be a refreshing change of pace, and might even give the evening a shove back in the right direction. If someone breaks the tension and outright states that things seem tense or awkward, it is a clear signal that you can either try to salvage the night or abandon ship. If you’re out for drinks, stop after the first round and find a way to delicately say the night is ending for you. Dinner is tougher, but maybe you’re suddenly peckish—a to-go container and the check are all that stand between you and freedom.

Bad dates are wars of attrition: if you can just make it to the point where conversation starts to lag—from inebriation or food coma—you may be home free. Most of all, recognize opportunities to leave: any time a new activity is proposed is your chance to make a graceful exit. Rip the band-aid off and call it a day.

Lie Your Ass Off

We’re led to believe dating is a beautiful shared human experience where you get to meet a variety of people, all in the hopes that one day you will find that “perfect” someone. Or rather, it’s just a giant test on how well you can lie to someone. Nobody throws up a red flag like “I’m still in love with my ex” or “I’m planning on making a doll from your hair” until there’s some security in the relationship. If you’re already deceiving the person across the table from you, why stop now that you’re trying to bail?

A demanding job is a ready-made excuse. Never underestimate the power of slipping off to the bathroom and coming back with “I’ve gotta head into the office.” Or maybe your neighbor discovered that your fake pet got out of the house. (Be careful with that one, a nice guy/girl may offer to help you look.) Bottom line, if you’re trying to get out of a date, you probably don’t know the person that well. Who are they to call bullshit on your lies? Get creative!

Be Rude

Nothing kills a date faster than a supreme lack of tact. Talk about past relationships. Make up a story about how you came to this very same restaurant with a different date and then had mind-blowing sex afterwards. Recount that sex to your current date in startling detail with a strong sense of wistful longing.

You can kill any conversation with a well-placed heavy sigh and monosyllabic answer. If things start heading in a productive direction, cut them off with a simple “Ugh, that bores me!” If you’re never going to see this person again, you have free reign to be an asshole, so relish it.

Get Weird

From time to time you may become Facebook friends with someone before you can go on a formal date. Depending on your level of interest, why not pretend you’ve gone a few photo albums too deep into their profile for them to feel comfortable. Throw in a quick “I combined our faces in Photoshop to see what our kids will look like” or “I was so excited about tonight, I told my mom everything about you” and time how quickly they call for the check.

Instagram Your Food

I don’t care if Julia Child has risen from the dead to serve you a foie gras terrine wrapped in the pelts of a dozen baby harp seals who shit beluga caviar. If your date doesn’t immediately leave the table when you do this, then you probably should make sure your napkin isn’t soaked in chloroform, because they seem dead set on marrying you, with or without your consent.

Buckle In

If it’s really a lost cause, and there is no way to get out of it (you were picked up and your date is your ride, you’re at some godforsaken work event you can’t leave, etc.), give in and just have fun. Sure, you’re there with someone you don’t find particularly alluring, but who knows what another glass of wine and an apathetic attitude towards impressing your date will do.

Actually, this is probably just a recipe for disaster. So if all else fails…

Don’t Overthink It

Unless you are like the dozens of people clogging my News Feed with daily engagement announcements (and because you’re reading this I’ll assume you aren’t), you are still figuring out your love life. There is often a strong inclination to feel guilty about blowing someone off, but it’s important to remember that you aren’t doing anyone any favors by staying at a date you really aren’t enjoying.

If you’re desperate enough to get away after splitting an appetizer, chances are you won’t be going halfsies on a set of monogrammed towels anytime soon. By cutting out early, you are saving them the time of wondering how things went and whether to call you.

Getting out of a bad date is rarely a question of tactics, but rather a question of guts. If you’re too concerned with coming off as rude to someone you clearly have no interest in seeing again, be prepared to deal with a messier split later because you dodged the conversation the first time around. But make no mistake: that confrontation will come.

If you don’t leave a bad date early, make it clear at the end that you don’t actually have an interest in hearing him talk about his stamp collection or having her show you how to urban forage next weekend. Dating is hard enough. Don’t get bogged down in polite pretense.

BadDateHero

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Relationships

How to propose: by a guy who proposed

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I feel like I should start this article with a disclaimer. Every wedding proposal is completely valid, and I am no expert on love by any means. I only wish to provide helpful hints to the needy and inspiration to the lost. The only person who knows the right way to propose is you. Also, even though I am a guy, this article applies to both men and women. Go get that guy (or girl) of your dreams, ladies!

With that being said, let’s f__ing do this:

I know it’s scary. As a matter of fact, it’s most likely going to be an event that causes more anxiety than the time that alien burst out of that guy’s stomach. There’s a lot of preparation riding on a single moment that will likely change your life forever (hopefully for the better.)  But don’t get discouraged: 98% of all proposals end in success (in a study I just made up). The point I’m trying to make is that it is scary and it does take a bit of effort to make it special. But, once you get over that, it should be smooth sailing and absolutely exciting.

If you’re like me you probably started this whole process by deciding you love someone enough to fart in front of them and laugh about it. You love them so much you can laugh at farts together for the rest of your beautiful lives. The one thing I truly believe in when it comes to love is that you have to be completely comfortable with who you are before you can be completely devoted to your special someone. I’m a nerd, and my lady is okay with listening to my rants on how Han shot first. Perfection.

The next step is a big one. And by big, I mean it’s sparkly and expensive and will take patience to find. It’s time to buy the ring. This is hands-down the most time-consuming part of the whole process. I must have looked at over five hundred rings before I settled on the perfect one. There are just too many choices and it gets confusing. You can spend all day looking at ring styles and settings, only to realize there are just as many variations on the stone.

Luckily, there’s this interwebs thing on my computer that tells me things I don’t already know. I started my search by deciding on a stone. My lady loves diamonds. Just loves them. Always talks about them. Lucky for me, diamonds are the most sought after and expensive of all engagement stone choices. Unfortunately, there are a lot of places out there that like to confuse you on the facts of diamonds, so here are a few pointers:

Always buy a diamond that comes with a certification. This should include the carat weight, shape, measurements, color, clarity, cut, and possibly a laser inscription registry number to match your diamond. Make sure you are spending the right dough on the right diamond.

Be wary of fake diamonds. Stones such as moissanite can be an inexpensive and absolutely beautiful substitute for diamonds but make sure that’s what you are paying for. Some dealers like to confuse these stones with synthetic diamonds and they are not the same either in price or in composition.

If you love diamonds but you want to make sure they’re conflict-free, there are many dealers who present conflict-free certification for every diamond. Dealers such as BrilliantEarth.com even have a checklist for things to look for.

Also, understand that diamonds aren’t the only choice. But, if you do decide to go with gemstones, you’re on your own. There are too many choices to get into right now. The best advice I can offer is to make sure your special someone isn’t set on diamonds.  Don’t know what stone they prefer?  Try asking their friends or family.  Most of the time he or she will give away what stones appeal most to them.  If that never happens try starting with their favorite color and going from there. Some chicks just love diamonds.

So, how, where, when?  The next step is planning the event of the century. This is where you should let your imagination run wild. But be careful your grand plans don’t cause the proposal to be too complicated. The last thing you want is to worry whether or not the yacht will get you to the opera on time. Here are a few do’s:

DO:

Talk to their parents. It is respectful to the family and your soon-to-be in-laws will LOVE you for it. I even involved them in the preparations, which they are usually thrilled to do.

Make it personal. If your significant other loves the ocean, maybe do it at the beach. If he or she loves the ocean but hates sand, consider the aquarium. The event should be tailored to be special: choose a spot that means a lot to your sweetheart or is special to the both of you.

Tell them why you love them. Saying “I love you. You should marry me” doesn’t quite cut it. Think about what you’ll say beforehand. It also helps to try it out loud a few times. You’ll know when it’s perfect.

Drop to one knee. This is on a case-by-case basis. However, kneeling or having your special someone sit with you helps to change the mood from happy skipping time to super-duper serious.

Tell everyone afterwards. People like to know. In fact, the better your story, the more people with get all gooey and jealous. That’s the goal, people.

But just like there are things you should do, there are more things you really, really shouldn’t do.

DON’T:

No sports arenas. I’m making an assumption here, but guys: sports are probably your thing. You probably dragged her to that game. You’re probably a little drunk. All-around bad idea.

Avoid hiding the ring in food. There are plenty of accounts where the ring either chokes your sweetheart or ends up covered in spit and chocolate. If you spent as much as I did on a ring, you won’t let this happen.

Don’t do it in a crowd. Proposals should be one-on-one. I’m not saying there can’t be a few people around, but kneeling in the middle of a concert just ends up with your face surrounded by the junk of complete strangers.  Also, yelling your well planned words of love probably wouldn’t sound quite the same.  Try to have enough space.

Don’t automatically expect a yes right away. It’s a huge decision for the both of you. His or her heart might say yes, but the immediate conscious mind might need a minute to process everything. Sometimes, it’s nice to just savor the moment.

The last bit of advice I can give you is to expect for something in your plans to go wrong. Murphy’s Law applies to proposals more than anything else. I thought my plans were waterproof. During my proposal, it was my idea to sneak out of our camping tent in the morning before Nicole had woken up and set up the proposal. But no, Nicole woke up before me. Not only that, she insisted she come with me to go to the bathroom (which was my quick-thinking idea to get out of the tent.) Suddenly, I had no way of sneakily preparing everything I had planned in the last three months. So what did I do? I put on my pants extra slow. She had to go to the bathroom and I didn’t. She got so impatient that she took off without me. Boom, problem solved. I snuck out, prepared the area, proposed to that lady, the planets aligned, the heavens opened, and I was able to write this article.

Expect the unexpected people, and good luck.

ProposalHero

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Relationships

Adventures in Online Dating

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So, you’ve just gone through a breakup, had a 20/30/whatever-something crisis, found yourself Facebook-stalking your ex, or realized that you don’t want to die alone, and you’re considering giving online dating a go. Fantastic! Welcome to the modern dating world!

As a seasoned online dater, I can tell you it’s just as scary as it sounds. But, on the upside, it can often lead to good things. As a real-life example, I found my boyfriend through OKCupid! (This is true.) My friend from high school is marrying a man she met online. (Also true.) And Ryan Gosling just joined, so you have a chance with him! (Not true.)

All that said, I don’t know if I’m one to give advice—earlier this morning I somehow spilled coffee in my hair—but I have done online dating, and I did find someone through it. So, what I’m going to give you is a basic plan to follow, what not to do, and some warnings about what you may encounter.

How to Build the Perfect Profile

I recently read an article that recommended wearing a red shirt in your profile photo because red is “eye-catching” and “sexy.” Sure, you can wear red. You can also not look at the camera, wear your hair up, hold the world’s most adorable kitten, or any number of options. But, in the end, you will be judged not only by your cover photo, but also by your screen name, interests, and what you’re looking for.

So here are some things to consider:

The Main Photo: Choose something flattering. If you’ve got long legs, let the trolls scouring at home know it. If you’ve got lovely hair, flip it. If you have self-esteem issues, do the far-away image thing. some little monster great person will find it endearing.

Your Screen Name: For the sake of “anonymity,” and so that online dating is a “safe place,” you get to choose a nickname. I created mine without thinking, SeeErinDate, and then realized that if I wanted to change it, I’d have to pay some outrageous sum. Any yet, I’d get messages from people like TigerBalls247 and think, “What an idiot.” So, I’m just saying, think before you pick.

Interests: Be honest. If you aren’t a thin former model who likes to vacation in the south of France and eat kale, don’t put that in. The whole point of online dating is to find someone who is compatible with you. No need to tell lies until the first date actually happens. Just kidding! (Kind of…)

Commit to Your Online Profile: In other words, give it an honest try. Going into the site, answering ten questions and putting up one photo does not a stanch effort make. In other words, pledge to yourself that if some hottie sends you a cute message, you will write something back. (Pro Tip: If you get a 20-page message from someone, they are probably crazy. Only send and receive the paragraph ones.)

Stranger Danger 

I remember watching 20/20 specials about young girls who agreed to meet online friends in the real world and were then found years later in a European sex ring. (Or maybe that was Taken with Liam Neeson?) Either way, we’re taught to be wary of all things online, so the prospect of meeting a complete stranger can be pretty daunting.

As someone who carries pepper spray on my keychain and stores a spare in her glove compartment (just in case!), here’s my advice: before you meet someone, text a good friend and tell them where you are going, what time, and when to check in with you. That way, if they text and you don’t text back, they can radio the police choppers. And obviously, be smart and meet in a very public space.

How I did It

Because I’ve had success with dating on the Interwebs, I get asked a lot what the “secret” is. I don’t have one, but I am a fan of game plans, and that is what I made for myself. So feel free to follow “Erin’s Law” if you want!

I answered 50 questions, put up three photos, and committed to going on three dates with three different men. I repeat: three dates, three different men. I told myself that if all of them were crazy—not just boring or not compatible, but legitimately odd—then it would be a sign that the online world wasn’t ready for me. However, if even one of them was normal and perhaps only a bit dull, it meant I had to keep trying because normal guys existed online.

My first two dates were bad and borderline awful. The first guy had played in a well-known band back in the day, so I thought he’d be interesting. But he wasn’t. And when I told him I didn’t think a second date should happen, he went… nutso. He started tweeting to his fans about a girl who had broken his heart—me, really, after one date?—and that he needed to get drunk to numb the pain. Beware the former rock star, people!

The second date was with a reality TV producer who was divorced and had a kid—which I found out about on the date—and he brought along his dog. The dog jumped on my leg and ripped a hole in my Topshop tights. Perhaps, for some of you, this would be acceptable—not to me. I couldn’t bring myself to see him again.

The third date was with my current boyfriend, who took me to a wine bar and made me laugh and has turned out to be an all-around great guy. Maybe it’s the rule of three, or maybe having a plan let the universe know that it had to get it right in three tries (or else), but that’s what worked for me and it made me feel completely in control of the experience.

Just Do It

I know it’s scary and maybe you even have some concern that online dating is desperate. But, the thing is, if you don’t put yourself out there, then the chances increase that no one is going to find you. Plain and simple.

Plus, it’s low stakes: worst-case scenario is that you go on a couple bad dates. Welcome to life, that will happen no matter what! While the best case is that you meet someone fantastic to spend time with, and wouldn’t that be fun?!

OnlineDatingHereo2

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Relationships

Expectations vs. Realities: Dating

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Dating.

It seems like such a foreign word, conjuring thoughts of Pleasantville and getting pinned and going steady. I don’t know when it happened, perhaps with the advent of technology (most specifically social networking), but the process of dating is a journey lined with hurdles and nothing like the idealized (essentially fictionalized) version we think of.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard the phrase: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince (or princess, as the case may be).” But the problem with that advice is that everyone focuses on the idea of finding their prince(ss), as opposed to kissing those hundreds of frogs. Why would they? Let’s be honest–it’s a messy process.

So, let’s break it down.

You’ve met a guy. He’s cute. You’re interested. He’s interested. Seems like it should be a no-brainer from there, right?

Wrong.

Of course it’s not that easy.  If it were that easy, Sex and the City wouldn’t have been on the air for six seasons and Cosmopolitan wouldn’t have any readers.

Dating is supposed to be the process through which two people find out if they’re compatible enough to start a relationship with each other. However, what it’s turned into is a series of false hopes and constant miscommunications that’s never as easy as your average romantic comedy would let you believe. But it CAN be fun. I promise!

Expectation #1: He knows you’re interested, and he’ll make a move.

The reality is, unless there has been confirmation from multiple people, he probably has NO clue that you’re into him.  This part of dating is the absolute worst. It feels like middle school and waiting impatiently for a crumpled note that reads, “Check Y or N, DO U LIKE ME?” to make its way back to you with an answer. During this time, your friends are going to have a ton of “useful” advice that might help or just delay whatever union is going to happen. So here’s what I say: screw it. If you’re interested, why wait for the confirmation? Be the first one to speak up. If he thinks the words, “I like you,” are too scary to hear, you’re better off not going out in the first place. And, if he likes you too, he might be totally relieved you took the pressure of saying it first off and thank you for it.

So, you’ve confirmed you like him, and he likes you. And you’ve made a move. Or he’s made a move. Regardless, a move has been made. Smooth-ish sailing so far…

Expectation #2: He’ll make plans to see you.

Reality Check: He wants to make plans to see you. I’m sure he really, really does. But there are so many scheduling factors fighting against you.  Work, sleep, friends, family, the list goes on. And balance isn’t always everyone’s forte. Thankfully, we live in a time where phones and the Internet are available, and until you can meet face-to-face, this isn’t a bad way to keep communication going. So try not to stress. If he’s into you (and you’re into him), you’ll find the time to see each other.

Expectation #3: If your plans with him are a priority, his plans with you are a priority.

Not always. It’s the beginning, and things are going to happen slowly. Try not to get impatient, as impossible as that may sound. But sitting, staring at your phone, wondering if he’s lost interest or if his schedule really is that packed isn’t going to make him make plans with you any faster. If anything, pestering him may make him want to make plans with you less.

Frustration Solution: Find a safe friend to vent to and distract yourself with commiserating.

Expectation #4: You share the same ideas about sex.

This is the worst one to assume and most often the one that causes the most problems. Unless you’ve talked about it beforehand, you’re more than likely not on the same page. Doesn’t mean you can’t be, but you need to start with some very important questions. The first one being: if you sleep together, does that mean you’re exclusive? Does it make things more serious? Follow up: what kind of protection are we using? Second follow up: how would you handle an accidental pregnancy?

Boys, have you stopped breathing yet? If you have, good. And listen up. These are the kinds of thoughts that run through my mind when dealing with sex. I know that STDs aren’t gender exclusive, but until you have to worry about getting knocked up, you can’t really understand. This is why I, for one, take sex as a serious step. So ladies, if this is true for you too—for the love of your ovaries (and sanity)—TALK ABOUT IT FIRST. A casual, “Hey, if we sleep together, we’re using a condom and I don’t want you seeing other people,” will suffice. Then, you’ve said your piece and given him the opportunity to go all in or back out. Because even if sex isn’t a casual thing for you, doesn’t mean it’s NOT for him.

Pro Tip: Please make sure your clothes are still on at this point. I have it on good authority that once clothes are off, people stop comprehending words and just hear noises (and will pretty much nod at anything just as long as it means you’ll stay naked).

Expectation #5: You’re both available and interested in a relationship.

You both like each other. You’ve gone out. Maybe you’ve slept together. You’ve successfully started dating! Yay?

Final Reality Check: Make sure you’re on the same page about where things are going. If you’re interested in a relationship and he’s looking for someone to call for a convenient hook up, it’s not going to work out. If he’s still into his ex and looking for a rebound, do you really want to keep seeing him? Oh, and if he has a significant other who “knows about you, and is totally fine with it, but still refuses to introduce you,” run as fast as you can.

If any of the above is true, don’t fret. After all, that’s what tequila’s for. And if that doesn’t help, don’t forget there are a few hundred more frogs out there ready to be kissed, too.

Photo by Michelle White