Navigating the dating landscape can be impossible. Too often, trying to balance work and fun prompts the raging debate: is this situation casual or something to pursue long-term? However, on occasion, there are those woefully horrible dates that make the decision for you. And before you’re done debating sparkling vs. still, one of you is not-so-secretly trying to light the tablecloth on fire in an attempt at a stealthy getaway.

Prevention Is The Best Protection

Recently, a friend and I decided to swap horrible dating stories. While I blathered on about a rude waiter and a date who covered everything in ranch dressing, she countered with a guy who took her to dinner and got a hotel room to celebrate what he thought­­ was the next step in a blossoming relationship—two dates in. Knowing ahead of time that she wasn’t all that interested in the guy, she cunningly told her roommate to call at 11pm with an “emergency” that required her to go home immediately. Sure enough, the call came in, after a curt reminder that getting a hotel was extremely presumptuous, she was safely in a cab and he was left on the curb.

When a dating train wreck is on the horizon, it’s best to politely decline upfront. But, if you really can’t get out of it, a friend in need can be the perfect scapegoat. The biggest trick is knowing (1) what is plausible, and (2) what is least likely to blow up on you.

Be Blunt

Chances are that if you aren’t enjoying yourself, neither is your date. Being upfront and stating the obvious can be a refreshing change of pace, and might even give the evening a shove back in the right direction. If someone breaks the tension and outright states that things seem tense or awkward, it is a clear signal that you can either try to salvage the night or abandon ship. If you’re out for drinks, stop after the first round and find a way to delicately say the night is ending for you. Dinner is tougher, but maybe you’re suddenly peckish—a to-go container and the check are all that stand between you and freedom.

Bad dates are wars of attrition: if you can just make it to the point where conversation starts to lag—from inebriation or food coma—you may be home free. Most of all, recognize opportunities to leave: any time a new activity is proposed is your chance to make a graceful exit. Rip the band-aid off and call it a day.

Lie Your Ass Off

We’re led to believe dating is a beautiful shared human experience where you get to meet a variety of people, all in the hopes that one day you will find that “perfect” someone. Or rather, it’s just a giant test on how well you can lie to someone. Nobody throws up a red flag like “I’m still in love with my ex” or “I’m planning on making a doll from your hair” until there’s some security in the relationship. If you’re already deceiving the person across the table from you, why stop now that you’re trying to bail?

A demanding job is a ready-made excuse. Never underestimate the power of slipping off to the bathroom and coming back with “I’ve gotta head into the office.” Or maybe your neighbor discovered that your fake pet got out of the house. (Be careful with that one, a nice guy/girl may offer to help you look.) Bottom line, if you’re trying to get out of a date, you probably don’t know the person that well. Who are they to call bullshit on your lies? Get creative!

Be Rude

Nothing kills a date faster than a supreme lack of tact. Talk about past relationships. Make up a story about how you came to this very same restaurant with a different date and then had mind-blowing sex afterwards. Recount that sex to your current date in startling detail with a strong sense of wistful longing.

You can kill any conversation with a well-placed heavy sigh and monosyllabic answer. If things start heading in a productive direction, cut them off with a simple “Ugh, that bores me!” If you’re never going to see this person again, you have free reign to be an asshole, so relish it.

Get Weird

From time to time you may become Facebook friends with someone before you can go on a formal date. Depending on your level of interest, why not pretend you’ve gone a few photo albums too deep into their profile for them to feel comfortable. Throw in a quick “I combined our faces in Photoshop to see what our kids will look like” or “I was so excited about tonight, I told my mom everything about you” and time how quickly they call for the check.

Instagram Your Food

I don’t care if Julia Child has risen from the dead to serve you a foie gras terrine wrapped in the pelts of a dozen baby harp seals who shit beluga caviar. If your date doesn’t immediately leave the table when you do this, then you probably should make sure your napkin isn’t soaked in chloroform, because they seem dead set on marrying you, with or without your consent.

Buckle In

If it’s really a lost cause, and there is no way to get out of it (you were picked up and your date is your ride, you’re at some godforsaken work event you can’t leave, etc.), give in and just have fun. Sure, you’re there with someone you don’t find particularly alluring, but who knows what another glass of wine and an apathetic attitude towards impressing your date will do.

Actually, this is probably just a recipe for disaster. So if all else fails…

Don’t Overthink It

Unless you are like the dozens of people clogging my News Feed with daily engagement announcements (and because you’re reading this I’ll assume you aren’t), you are still figuring out your love life. There is often a strong inclination to feel guilty about blowing someone off, but it’s important to remember that you aren’t doing anyone any favors by staying at a date you really aren’t enjoying.

If you’re desperate enough to get away after splitting an appetizer, chances are you won’t be going halfsies on a set of monogrammed towels anytime soon. By cutting out early, you are saving them the time of wondering how things went and whether to call you.

Getting out of a bad date is rarely a question of tactics, but rather a question of guts. If you’re too concerned with coming off as rude to someone you clearly have no interest in seeing again, be prepared to deal with a messier split later because you dodged the conversation the first time around. But make no mistake: that confrontation will come.

If you don’t leave a bad date early, make it clear at the end that you don’t actually have an interest in hearing him talk about his stamp collection or having her show you how to urban forage next weekend. Dating is hard enough. Don’t get bogged down in polite pretense.