Tag Archives: communication

We Don’t Know Social Media Etiquette

July 18, 2014 Michael Cox Leave a comment

When was the last time you saw one of those clickbait-y Facebook posts and thought “I NEED TO REPOST THIS RIGHT MEOW”? Did you immediately hit “Like” and “Share” it to your (dozens? hundreds?) of followers? Did you stop to think about the content of that post? Did you even read it all the way to the bottom?

Maybe you’re a conscientious user who always checks the facts before responding. Good for you! Maybe you’re like my fiancée, and you get around to Snopes-ing that Kony 2012 rage two hours after you already retweeted it. But think about all of the Friends on your list, all of the Tweeps that you follow, and all of your #Instagrammers (including that guy) and apply this logic to them. It’s no wonder that all grandma’s chain emails from the 90s are making a comeback…

One of the major problems with social media is that people don’t feel responsible for fact-checking what they see. They submit to the greater powers of The Internet and Share away. When it’s things like “Look at this cat in a shark costume riding a roomba while chasing a duck” or “You won’t believe how this army buddy changed his friend’s life,” Sharing because of the emotional response (either joy or awe) that a post gives you can be a great way to spread that joy even further. Hey, you might even spread a smile to a friend who is having an awful day at work and just needs some loveable fuzziness in his life right now.

I love the kitten reposts just as much as the next guy. But I want to shine a spotlight on the unending onslought of ignorance and rage that stems from people reposting “articles” without reading through them to the bottom and thinking critically about these issues. Critically engaging with an article on social media is perhaps a misappropriation of the platform, but bear with me for a moment. I suppose when you share an adorable image (for instance, this one), you’re engaging with it in such a way that Sharing is natural. It makes you happy, you don’t have to engage with it on a deep intellectual level, and you want other people to feel that. *click* Shared.

Articles, especially on Facebook, are treated the same way as images. You get a popout image in your News Feed, and you get a little blurb that goes with it. It gives you all these feels. *click* Shared. But there’s the problem. The article, which needs to be engaged with on a different level than memes was just given the same *feels* > *comment* > *click* > Shared brain process. But everyone loses when people read the thumbnail and share without thinking. The reason that lies and slander get reposted again and again isn’t because people are trying to make things worse. I propose an amendment to Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity,” or in this case, laziness.

Oh, and just in case you don’t believe that people don’t read what they repost… I’ll just leave this here.

Author’s Note: A couple days after writing this article, this BuzzFeed post came across my News Feed. Case in point.

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Career

Office Drama, or #WHATSHOULDWECALLTOXICJOB

June 2, 2014 Anonymous Leave a comment

How many times do you need to come home from work in tears before you start considering a new job? My last job was terrible almost from the moment it started, but I stayed for nine months trying to make it work, and then trying to hoard enough cash to get out. Looking back on this past year, all I can see is the slow buildup of quiet-yet-demeaning incidents that made me question my worth, my abilities, and my general sense of why I am at all interested in do what I do.

Here is a list of the major red flags.

When I started my job, there was no training. None! They actually said: “Here is your computer!” and then left me on my own.
My supervisors act like they don’t trust me, and revise deadlines without telling me. Once, after seeing the timeline for the interviews that I manage, my supervisor approved and implemented it, and then scheduled all the interviews and emailed the schedule to me. She never addressed whether I had done them wrong or late, or any reason why she had done my job for me, even though it was a full week before we had agreed it needed to be done.
There are three people whom I report to. Every time I ask for clarification on whom I go to for what (even things like time off and emergency situations), they tell me that I was hired because I could “work independently.”
And then when I ask one of them for help with one of the other departments, they usually fail to answer the question because they get sidetracked, ranting about how pretentious the other department is.
Once, in a committee meeting, I had an older co-worker stop mid-discussion, turn to me and say “who are you?” I responded with my name and title, and he said, “Oh! I thought you were a student spying on us. Are you even on this committee?” He checked on his phone, found I was, and said, “Oh, well, what can you do?” We had met multiple times.
When I was introduced to one of the departments, which was formerly all-male, and I’m a young woman, several comments were made to the effect of “Well, now we can’t curse in meetings.”
Recently, one of my supervisors has been asking me to help her with Excel spreadsheets, and when I turned in a draft (like she asked me to), she brought me into her office and pointed at a column without borders and yelled at me, “Where is the column?! Where is the COLUMN?!? There is no column there!” and then had me redo it.
I am required to have an autoreply message on my email instructing students how to make appointments. I have gotten back multiple emails from coworkers who are outraged that I would send them appointment instructions. The first sentence is “This is an autoreply.”
This year, one of my papers was accepted to a prestigious conference. When I asked that same supervisor if there was any funding I could apply for, she said “If you get funding, we might as well add a budget line for my cats.” That was about two months into the position.
I am frequently asked when I am planning on having children. These are not subtle hints from people I am close with. Coworkers who I rarely interact with have come into my office specifically to ask me when I am planning on getting pregnant.
After having congratulated me for improving our numbers so much that a particular department might not be at risk anymore, one supervisor came in and told me that the numbers should go up even more because “we haven’t worked that hard

What I’ve learned from this experience is that—surprise!—my happiness really is affected by being treated poorly by the people whom I spend the majority of my day with. I’m really not sure when the turning point was… when I knew I needed to GTFO. I wish I had known when to say something, because maybe things would have gotten better. But by the time I left, I trusted no one that I worked with or for, and I dreaded going to work. I worry I’ll run into coworkers around town and I feel like I’ve developed some really bad work habits (like hiding from my supervisors) that will affect me in the future. My job was affecting my relationships outside of work as well, I was so emotionally drained that I wasn’t myself.

The worst part was that this was supposed to be my dream job—working with exactly the right population in exactly the right role. But my coworkers and terrible supervision ruined it. I put in my two weeks’ notice despite not having something else lined up because not knowing what was coming next was better than being unhappy every day.

Much to my surprise though, leaving my toxic job felt just like a really bad breakup. It probably should have not been surprising, but ah well. My last two weeks were full of utter insanity, and all I could do was hold on to my end date, knowing that it would be over soon. A small sample: My two weeks’ notice was initially rejected so they could “think” (is this legal?). I had more than 12 meetings with all levels of my supervision, where the second question was always “but, your partner isn’t leaving too, is he?” driving home the point that in their minds I was only there because of him. They told me that I would have had a better time in the job if I were “friendlier.” On my last day, none of my supervisors even showed up, wrote an email or left a voice message saying goodbye. And then, as if to tie a big bow on the whole package, about a week after I left, one supervisor sent an email to my personal address about job searching in my field, and how to know if a job is a good fit.

I’ve been free of this job for three full weeks, and let me tell you, life is so much better. If any of the above sounds like your job, get out. ASAP. Don’t wait. If you don’t have a cushion that will let you bail, start sending your resumes faster, network more, do something. It’s not worth being unhappy every day. I also highly recommend just reading the entire archives of Ask a Manager: this helped me figure out the difference between what was simply strange and what actually crossed a boundary, so that I could work up the courage to leave.

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Relationships

Let’s Ask: A Thriving Long Distance Love

April 23, 2014 Let's Ask Leave a comment

Y: The text read “Dude, Coachella is amazing! We’re all having a blast. Wish you were here! Btw, I met this awesome girl and we really hit it off. There’s just one thing… She lives in NorCal.”

I sent that to a close friend only a couple of days after meeting my girlfriend, the love of my life. Now let me back up and tell the story, because she loves it when I do (M: Oh boy, here it comes!!!). I met M for the first time at Los Angeles International Airport. She was joining me and a large group of my friends, including two mutual friends—through whom we were being introduced—on a weekend trip to America’s premier music and arts festival, Coachella (feel free to send us comp’ed VIP passes (M: for life, please) for the plug, Goldenvoice). From the moment we first shook hands, I was charmed. There is an air about her; her smile is warm and contagious, and her aura (if you believe in such things) is always welcoming. From that point on, the weekend became about more than just the music festival, it became about us getting to know one another: flirting, dancing, making each other laugh, and appreciating each show together. It was like packing 30 dates into a single weekend, and every date was even better than the last. I made it a point to look after her in a crowd of a hundred thousand people, because I wanted her to feel at ease and a part of the group. It must have made a good impression, because despite some of my more nervous moments, we kissed during one of her favorite acts, the Postal Service, and by the end of the weekend neither of us were prepared to let the other go.

M: It’s true. He took care of me all weekend in a group where I only knew two others and that was more than enough to keep me interested. He was pretty much assigned to take care of me before we even knew each other and didn’t sweat about it even once. He also took me to see my favorite musician when no one else wanted to go, even though he didn’t know of him. Consider it our first date. I tried to return the favors as much as I could but really, it wasn’t enough; he was on point with everything. He even played Radiohead for me every drive back from the festival so I could sing off key. After the festival was over, I promised to introduce him to my favorite band, Tool and well, let’s just say he was most impressed that the song had a sound bite featuring Bill Hicks, one of his favorite comedians. Last weekend, we returned from our first anniversary celebration, guess where? Coachella! There is no other more perfect scenario for us to celebrate our love: music, dancing, great friends, amazing art and good food. Sums us up pretty well.

Here’s something we’ve both heard from other people more times than we can count…

“You’re in a long distance relationship?” *deep nervous inhale* “Wow, that must be, like, super hard. I could never do that. Good luck…”

Oh gee, thanks but I actually don’t need any luck because I’ve never been happier. In fact, we’ve been in an incredibly successful, unicorn-tears kind of magical long distance ‘agreement’ (Y: as she likes to call it) for a full year now. The distance? Exactly 300 miles between NorCal and SoCal. Luckily there isn’t much of a sports rivalry as I like ice hockey (SHARKS TERRITORY!) and he prefers basketball (Y: LAKERS BABY!) Though I did drunkenly lash out on him being from LA when the Kings knocked the Sharks out of the playoffs last year. And how did he respond? By sending me a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my office with a note that read: “Dear M, my deepest condolences for your loss. I hope these flowers brighten your day the way you do all of mine. Can’t wait to see you again. Yours, Y.”. Chivalry… not dead, my friends. And that is when it really sunk in that I need to hold on to this amazingly special gentleman.

Y: WARNING: Here’s the thing about long distance relationships—they are not for every couple. Really, they aren’t for most. People are wary of them, including us. And for good reason: they don’t typically work. I had never been in one before, and she had tried it twice with really poor results over half a decade ago. All it takes is half an instinct of insecurity to hit you, coupled with a dead cell phone battery, maybe a half bottle of wine, and/or some Facebook stalking, and next thing you know you’re in world war relationship. M and I, insecurities and flaws aside, trust each other implicitly. Even more importantly, we love each other (queue the feign heaving and eye rolling) unconditionally (M: so far, so good ) . We’re both independent people who are incredibly social and have many loved ones to tend to. We understand that we each need space and time to pursue our own interests and have our own fun. There is a genuine exchange of mutual support for everything we do. So above any tips, tricks, or special anecdotes we share, remember that if you’re not continuously head over fucking heals in love with your long distance love, your relationship is headed for the rocks. That’s not to say we don’t fight (I am a man, after all, and it’s my first real relationship as an adult: I’m bound to fuck up a little) but we’re quick to make amends, and always show each other respect.

M: ^What he said… and it’s not about the distance, it’s about the people involved in the relationship. We’re grateful to have each other regardless of the constant physical presence. But of course it’s tough for us sometimes. It’s standard procedure for me to bawl on him before we part after yet another incredible visit. It’s not being able to partake in the mundane everyday activities you’re ‘supposed’ to do with your partner that makes long distance as hard as it’s hyped up to be. Also, not being able to be there for each other physically in tough times or special moments (doctors’ appointments, him moving into his new home, holiday parties, even actual birthdays—thanks for being born a day before Thanksgiving, guy…) can easily strain a relationship, so you need to get creative and accept the reality that you will have to celebrate it a different day to compensate.. But luckily we are always looking for excuses to party so we never skip occasions.

The good news is we take each other for granted much less. Every time we see each other, it’s a mini blissful vacation and we are just with one another 100% because our time together is so precious. Menial tasks like groceries and laundry become enjoyable. But then again we are party people and sprinkle fun into everything so perhaps that’s just us. We rarely ‘fight’ because neither of us can show up at the door to kiss and make up… it’s exponentially more painful being away from each other and not communicating because both parties are being stubborn about coming to a truce. Luckily he is practically ego-less and I can’t stay upset when he keeps showering me with warmth and love.

One time the Mr. was having an extremely hectic Murphy’s law kind of day, so I stole a genius idea from a friend: I called a nearby massage parlor and booked him his first ever hour long deep tissue full body rub down (I threatened the masseuse not to go near his-MY goodies), paid for it over the phone, and called him to tell him he’s to show up there immediately after work. And the moment he arrived back home, a delivery guy arrived with Thai food. I scored big time.

Y: It was by far the sweetest and most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. Take note ladies, don’t go by those bullshit tips in Cosmo, This is how to keep your man happy. Anyway, that following afternoon, she wasn’t feeling well and had an unpleasant doctor’s appointment, so I returned the favor by having pizza, pasta, salad, peach soda, and two different desserts delivered to her home.

And while we’re on the topic of food—one of our favorite things to do is stuff each other’s faces. She will literally have a spoon full of food in front of my face while I’m still chewing the last bite. While she is vegetarian and I am… well, not, I still love sharing food with her, because it’s such a pleasurable experience (with acceptable public moaning to boot) that we get to immerse in together. We even eat together over Skype. Shared pleasures should go beyond the bedroom, and certainly should be relished together even if from afar. Like communication and-

M: -LAUGHTER! Jinx, you owe me a soda! I win. It’s important to be connected constantly and to share a great sense of humor. We’re lucky this works for us because we are of the kind that despise constant texting/phone calls. But, our sheer adoration of each other trumps that hard. And we are always laughing, oh man do we laugh… like hyenas on meth. Why we are glued together from a 300-mile distance is because the hilarity makes the constant contact much more appealing. We’ve had an ongoing conversation for the last year now: emails, chat, texts, phone calls, Skype, and, get this, over a 100 handwritten letters (multiple every single week)… I mean, how can you not die laughing (warning: grown up jokey time): Y was on speaker phone while I was doing yoga, and I said, “I’m lying here in child’s pose for 15 minutes because my health guru told me so…” and he goes “Why don’t you come here and get into adult’s pose with me?” Needless to say I keeled over in a perfect transition from child’s pose to fetal position guffawing. There is also a lot of shit talk, which leads to hilarious conversations we wish we could record to share with the world. I was teasing him about how I annihilated him playing foosball on an epic bar arcade date we had one night (we tag teamed killing zombies and yes, he died first. Milla Jovovich taught me some tricks… He’s lucky I love him enough to protect him during the apocalypse. Y: I sacrificed myself for you, chivalry does still exist, remember! M: See what we mean about shit talk…), and I started laughing maniacally, followed by heavy coughing due to diseased flu lungs… and I said to him, “You’re choking me from afar.” And this Star Wars newbie (it’s true, he watched it at the tender age of 28 thanks to yours truly) responds, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” To which I retort, “I find you fucked up!” To which we both responded with fits of laughter. You get the point. We’re pretty quickwitted folk.

So the bottom line is that apparently you can fall in love and make it last at a music festival and in long distance… with humor, creativity, constant communication, distance pampering, and truckloads of love. Oh, and to end… here’s 2 nightmare-ish pictures he drew of us (Tim Burton would be proud) because he thought it would be romantic. We’ll let you decide which one is attempt #1 and #2. In the words of the Moldy Peaches, we sure are cute for two ugly people…

1 & 2

Long live (long/all distance) love,

Y&M

Relationships

The Friend Breakup

April 21, 2014 MacKenzie Lorenzato Leave a comment

All relationships come to an end. Parent-child relationships, sibling relationships, romantic relationships and friendships: all end at some point. Sometimes they end with death, sometimes they slowly peter out over time and distance, sometimes they end in a fierce, burning crash, and sometimes they come to a pointed, purposeful conclusion. A break-up. With the end of especially important relationships comes grief: a complex emotional process. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has outlined five stages of the grieving process, which are typically listed in the order in which they’re “supposed” to happen, but really, these stages mix and mingle as much as cows caught in a tornado. Friend breakups may feel especially difficult because we don’t have a script for those. At the end of a romantic relationship, we have a whole potential process that can be lined out: lots of crying followed by throwing oneself into work or exercise or school, and then, finally, we get back on the dating horse, usually in the form of a rebound. But friend breakups don’t have a script—“friends forever” right? This can leave a person wondering how to deal with the loss of such an important relationship. I’ve had a few significant friend breakups in my life, and I’d like to share the process I’ve gone through, in hopes that it may help someone else out there dealing with something similar. My process pretty easily follows the Kubler-Ross model, but it starts before the actual end of the relationship.

Denial: Denial comes first for me. It’s when I’m feeling hurt in the relationship, but I keep excusing my friend’s behavior. “She didn’t mean to imply that I’m totally unimportant to her.” “He’s not trying to hurt me; that’s just how he is. I know he loves me.” Part of me knows I’m being treated like crap, but I don’t want to acknowledge it, because I don’t want to think that I’m the kind of person who lets her friends treat her like crap. Denial pairs well in a circular relationship with Anger.

Anger: “I can’t believe she blew off my birthday/ holiday/ graduation party to console her ex! They’re broken up, for f***’s sake!” “I freaking hate him. I hate him I hate him I hate him.” This emotion usually follows some break in the rules of our friendship (like, Rule #1: don’t treat your friends like crap), and is usually accompanied by me yelling into my pillow or journaling swear words fiercely in red pen. I tend to avoid people when I’m angry at them, because I know I run the risk of acting like one of the Plastics from Mean Girls. I take time to simmer down, and then when my friend and I sit down to hash out whatever it was that triggered my anger, I run into Bargaining.

Bargaining: “Okay, we talked about it, and it should feel ….resolved? But it doesn’t. Yes, it does—we talked about it.” In this stage, I argue with myself over whether or not our latest fight was productive. What frequently happens with my dysfunctional friendships here is that I express my concerns, the other person hears them out without actually listening, and I make the mistake of thinking everything’s going to get better, and that whatever disrespectful thing happened in the first place won’t happen again. Sometimes I even agree that I somehow caused my friend to treat me badly, and I think that if I just don’t do whatever my friend will treat me better. Denial-Anger-Bargaining make up the circle that usually has to repeat itself several times before I catch on to the pattern and realize the ugly truth: we have to break up.

Grief: This is where I finally acknowledge that the bad stuff isn’t changing, and may even be getting worse, and I finally call it quits. I meet up with my friend (ideally in neutral territory, but sometimes my place or theirs) and say, “Look, I’ve had these problems with our friendship. I don’t feel loved/ respected/ wanted/ cared for, and I think we need to break up.” Yes, I use the words “break up”. The friendships I have ended purposefully have been best friend relationships—people that at times felt like family. Friendships of lesser intensity usually just taper off of their own accord; it’s only the very intense, very unhealthy friendships I find require an actual break up. During the Grief stage, I experience a lot of sadness and a large sense of loss, but it usually runs parallel to Acceptance.

Acceptance: I know, underneath all the pain and sadness, that I made the right decision. I keep making and re-making a commitment to myself that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and I know that by ending this friendship, I’m renewing that commitment. I know I’ll be better for it, and who knows, if we both change enough, maybe someday we might even be able to be friends again, but I don’t hold out for this possibility.

As I grieve and accept the end of the friendship, I usually circle back around to anger at least a few times. I think that’s normal, because I’m still hurting. Ultimately, though, I can come to a place of acceptance without the grief and anger, and that’s the final, healed stage for me.

Each of my ex-friends has reacted differently to my actions throughout these stages. The first one, before I had all the savvy communication skills I do now, was probably the messiest. I brought up that I felt like she treated me like I was not important, but I didn’t do it very well, which let her brush it off. Finally, when she said something blatantly homophobic (I’m queer), I got angry and left. When she tried calling me, I told her I was angry about her remarks and not in the mood to talk. She apologized, then tried to explain the logic behind her homophobia. (Folks, don’t do this.) She felt like I was overreacting, which in her eyes, I was. I was breaking off contact based on one little remark, from her perspective. But from mine, I’d been treated like I didn’t matter for two years, and now she had the nerve to straight-up tell me that I was less-than by default. She didn’t bother to ask if there was anything else that contributed to that fight, and I was too angry at having all of my attempts to bring up the “chopped-liver” feeling dismissed, so I told her not to contact me again. So far as I know, she’s still confused about why we broke up.

Another big friend break-up in my life happened four years and much introspection after the first one. He and I had been very close for about three years but in the last year of it, we’d started some pretty dysfunctional ways of interacting. He loved to party, but I hated when he was cross-faded, and as the night wore on, he would get annoying and I would get just plain mean. I told him at the end of one summer that I thought we were dysfunctional, and maybe we should break up. He agreed we weren’t in a good pattern, but he wasn’t going to be the one to leave. He told me if I had to leave for my own health, he would support me in that, even though he would miss me. A few months later, after an infamous night and the most violent my pacifist self has ever been, I called it quits. I officially hated who I was with him. We disagreed on some of the reasons behind the breakup but we agreed that we’d gotten to a bad place. We parted calmly, and I went home and cried. We run in the same circles still, so for several months after that night he was a little cold during our exchanges. Now, we interact like civilized divorced folks: not necessarily sweet, but nice enough.

Breaking up requires insight into the patterns of behavior expressed in a friendship. Frequently, when we’re doing something that’s bad for us, we ignore the signs that say it’s bad for us because we want to keep doing it; the same goes for friendships. I know that I always want to believe the best of people, that they (and I) can change and that we can work through whatever fight we had, but the truth of the matter is that if I am feeling mistreated on a regular basis, I owe it to myself to get out. Unhealthy patterns in one relationship don’t automatically equate to the people in them being bad—sometime’s the chemistry’s just gone sour. But both parties owe it to themselves to end a relationship that’s damaging someone. I am a human worthy of respect and love, and so are the friends with whom I’ve broken up.

Photo by Sara Slattery

Sex

Nobody’s Perfect, Neither Is Sex!

March 24, 2014 Ryn Muat Leave a comment

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. That is long enough for the flames of passion to turn into a mere flicker without a bit of effort. Nothing kills a good boner (of the lady or manly variety) quicker than pressure, self-consciousness, or criticism. The key to keeping sex hot while in relationship is to settle into the fact that you’re going to be doing this act with this person many, many, many, many times, so there’s no need to put pressure on any one roll in the hay to be the best in your lives. Instead, it’s about learning each other’s bodies and continually raising the bar.

You’re creating a sexual relationship with your partner and, like all relationships, it will require communication and a little effort to stay healthy and vibrant. The most toe-curling orgasms aren’t planned out: they sneak up on you. And like many things in life and nature, they’re ephemeral. Subtle differences in mood, context, and connection make each sexual encounter unique. The best we can do is set up an environment that invites this kind of magic.

Here are a few tips to fire up the action in your bedroom:

Unpack your bags. No matter your gender, if you’re over the age of 20 then it’s likely that you have some skeletons of the emotionally traumatic variety hanging out in your closet. It is helpful to know some things about your partner’s history. When you know what the body you’re touching has been through, you can touch that body in a way that subtly acknowledges those experiences. This can be incredibly healing and is the first step to clearing the slate for the relationship that you’re creating now.

The flip side: Don’t feel like you have to rush through this process! At a year and a half, my boyfriend and I are both still working on certain deeply ingrained beliefs and patterns. If you’re suppressing a thought or feeling because you’re afraid your partner won’t understand, this is either a sign that you need to build the courage to speak up or a sign that this isn’t the right partner for you.

The male ego can be sensitive. In my experience, men often do not receive criticism in the moment very well. I’ve had more than one partner over the years ask me to please bring things up outside of the bedroom. It is so much easier to discuss the anatomical / mechanical aspects of sex when you’re not in the middle of doing them.

The flip side: Men, make sure your lady feels like she can talk to you. Lady parts are highly sensitive and personal preferences are as unique as finger prints; if you don’t encourage your partner to share these details with you (which may feel nitpicky if your ego is in the way), you’ll never fully understand how her body works.

The female sex drive is (often) a slow boil. Men, I suggest you make peace with this fact now. After the initial hump-like-bunnies phase, many women start to feel sexual urges in sync with their hormonal cycle. We’re horny when we’re most fertile, which is a bit of a catch-22 if you aren’t trying to make a baby. The key is to know how to warm your lady up in the in-between times. She may not want to jump your bones on sight, but if you check in with her there are probably many things you could do to heat things up. A few standard ideas: massage, cuddling, kissing, heavy petting, etc.

The flip side: Ladies, your man may sometimes need a reminder that you want him, really want him. Make sure you slow down and lavish your attention on him some of the time, too. It can help to make sure that you proposition him some of the time. Surprise BJs are another option for making your man feel extra happy.

Put your focus on your partner. When either partner is caught up thinking about their own wants and needs, he or she isn’t fully present. The quickest way to get out of your head? Stop thinking about yourself. Put your attention on pleasing your partner and all of a sudden you’ll feel your body light up, too.

The flip side: Don’t focus so much on your partner that you aren’t enjoying what they’re offering. If one of you habitually leads or follows, one way to shake things up is to switch roles and see what happens with a fresh dynamic.

Revel in the beauty along the way. Don’t rush to the big O. As long as time allows, savor every moment with your partner. Remember what it was like seeing them undress the first few times. Remember what it was like to hold each other naked when it was new. Even if you aren’t in the mood to go down memory lane, there are ways to slow down and savor. I once saw an article in a grocery store lady magazine (probably Cosmo or Glamour) that pointed to all the parts of sex that it’s easy to overlook if you’re focused on orgasm: from the moment of penetration to the pleasurable plateau that precedes orgasm—the more your mentality is about absorbing and enjoying the whole experience from start to finish, the more enjoyable it will be.

The flip side: Quickies can be really hot.

A note about gender in this article: this article is written from the perspective of a cis-gender, heterosexual female, since that’s the only perspective from which I can knowingly write. I find the gender binary is useful here in teasing out the differences created by the hormones men and women have in their bodies. That said, I hope these tips will be relatable to anyone anywhere on the gender spectrum.

Photo by Sara Slattery

Career, Health

We Don’t Know: What Does “Busy” Mean?

February 25, 2014 We Don't Know Leave a comment

“Busy is a way of organizing your priorities and we use being busy or thinking that we’re busy as a reason not to do something that we really want to do. If you’re not doing something that you really want to do then you really don’t want to do it. If you really want to do something, you will find the time to do it. Be honest with yourself. If you’re not doing something that you tell yourself that you want to be doing—it means that you don’t want to be doing it. Figure out either how to do it or what to do instead.” — Debbie Millman

In the following video, Debbie Millman gives a great talk for designers (but really it’s good advice for everyone) about “The Top 10 Things I wish I Knew When I Graduated College.”

2011/02 Debbie Millman from CreativeMornings on Vimeo.

Debbie’s argument is that using the phrase, “I’m busy” is an excuse. That being busy is a decision that we make and that we should stop apologizing, stop making excuses, and decided what we really want to be doing and actually do it. What do you think?

Editor’s Note: Also in her talk, Debbie talks about three ways of knowing things which are particularly pertinent to our UE mission (You don’t know everything. Neither do we.): “I know what I know. I know what I don’t know. But I don’t know what I don’t know. That’s the important stuff to know. The only way to be able to find that out is to ask somebody.”

Thank you to Sara Hamling for submitting Debbie’s video & quote.

Photo by Michelle White

Geekery

Gaming Survival Tips for Noobs

April 29, 2013 Richard Thayer Leave a comment

So, you’ve just bought your first online game and are eager to jump in and start grinding levels and slaying monsters! You quickly build a character and enter the game world. You look around and see hundreds of other players running around on quests and fighting monsters. But, as you grip that cheap wooden battle-axe, you suddenly realize—you have no idea what you’re doing.

As soon as you figure out some basic controls, you start spamming out HELP messages over the game interface. This is met with a wave of hate and obscenities the likes of which you have never seen before.

Before you can even respond, you are struck down by a level 88 Death Knight.

Game Over.

Photo by Meggyn Watkins

“Well, that wasn’t very fun at all!” you might be thinking. What you didn’t realize was you joined a PVP (player versus player) server with Roleplaying chat on (where players only speak in-character). You were lost before you even began.

Unfortunately, for many gamers, this is how most begin their online journeys. I remember my first online games (Warcraft III and Final Fantasy XI). They’re fun up until you hit the steep learning curve, at which point you typically become a nuisance for experienced players if you can’t keep up.

The Internet, and games played over the Internet, offer everyone immediate access to just about anything and everyone they can think of. This type of accessibility can have its drawbacks, however. More connections along with almost complete anonymity mean you have the potential to run into some interesting situations.

It all started in the arcades—the original haven for gamers. Arcades were social venues which housed various video game machines that you could spend your quarters to play for short periods of time. Games required a lot of skill, and if you were good enough you were rewarded with your name on the high score list. This level of competition (combined with the fact that arcades required you to physically leave your home) made video gaming a social activity.

The first wave of consoles started a new trend: rather than go out to play in an arcade, home consoles allowed a player to play within the privacy of his or her own home, occasionally with friends. But it wasn’t until the 1990s when video games truly began to take an anti-social form.

Many of the games developed in the 90s were single-player adventure games. There were some pushes to bring back social elements to console gaming, such as party games and other multiplayer games, but this period cemented the stereotype of the anti-social gamer lurking alone in a dark room.

During this time, however, PC gaming was also becoming more popular, adding the advantage of playing games over the Internet. While consoles eventually caught up and added Internet connectivity, PC gamers have been re-connecting through cyberspace and re-inventing what social interaction means.

Many people still see this as anti-social behavior, but I like to think of it as a new frontier of interaction. Whether the Internet is the new standard means for communication or just an intermediate to whatever form of communication waits for us down the road, the impact it has had on gamers is substantial. That being said, it is important to remember a few things if you are unfamiliar with online gamers:

1. The Internet is anonymous, and the majority of people act accordingly.

If someone wants to be a jerk, there is no sense of restraint that you might find when talking face-to-face with someone. Let’s face it, there are mean people out there, but don’t get discouraged if you run into one of them. You can always walk away (or Ctrl-Alt-Del away). Most just have too much free time on their hands and are best ignored.

2. Be polite.

This pretty much speaks for itself. Avoid being the person listed above when possible. The huge benefit of the Internet—being able to connect to anyone anywhere—comes at a huge price: there is little to no moderation. This is why most online games come with their own little warning from the company waiving their responsibility for online interactions.

3. Don’t take things too personally, especially in a game.

For the above reasons, don’t take it personally if you encounter someone who is just out to ruin your day. Getting into arguments online or having negative encounters with fellow gamers has a chain reaction effect, similar to when someone is having a lousy day in real life. One negative event can make someone more likely to be negative to someone else later on. It’s much better (and relieving) to simply block them, switch servers, or exit the game.

4. Don’t be stupid.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but many gamers take what they do very seriously. Like the Death Knight example from earlier, if you wander into an advanced area without bothering to learn the proper etiquette, you are likely going to get flamed for it. It would be akin to walking into a fancy dress party in your underwear. Most games offer servers for beginners—an area designed for you to test things out few times without pissing anyone off. Failing this, the almighty Google should have answers for you if you are worried about impatient pro-gamers.

5. Take Your Time

Online gaming can be a great pastime, but don’t feel rushed to absorb twenty years of game development overnight. Find a game similar to what you are familiar with, and try to find a group or forum online that caters to beginners. You will normally be met with a lot more positivity than if you take the headstrong approach. Even better, if you already have a group of gamer friends, they might be able to help you get on your feet.

With these tips, you should be able to get into online gaming easily! But before you commit to paying a monthly fee for some games, perhaps try out similar games that you can play for free. For example, World of Warcraft allows you to play for free until level 20. So you can get in right away, find a beginner’s server, and get the hang of things before you commit. Star Wars: The Old Republic is now free-to-play as well, if you prefer sci-fi to fantasy.

If shooters are more your thing, Team Fortress 2 is also free-to-play, but once you get hooked in, you can buy upgrades and fancy hats.

If you are more the creative type, I would check out Minecraft. Though not free, it is fairly cheap to purchase. The game has many player-run servers; however, dedicated Minecraft servers through Mojang are currently in the works for a future update!

Have a game recommendation or some stories or tips from your own experience? Share them in the comments.

Relationships

Check please! Surviving a bad date.

March 8, 2013 Kyle Martirez-McIntosh 3 Comments

Navigating the dating landscape can be impossible. Too often, trying to balance work and fun prompts the raging debate: is this situation casual or something to pursue long-term? However, on occasion, there are those woefully horrible dates that make the decision for you. And before you’re done debating sparkling vs. still, one of you is not-so-secretly trying to light the tablecloth on fire in an attempt at a stealthy getaway.

Prevention Is The Best Protection

Recently, a friend and I decided to swap horrible dating stories. While I blathered on about a rude waiter and a date who covered everything in ranch dressing, she countered with a guy who took her to dinner and got a hotel room to celebrate what he thought was the next step in a blossoming relationship—two dates in. Knowing ahead of time that she wasn’t all that interested in the guy, she cunningly told her roommate to call at 11pm with an “emergency” that required her to go home immediately. Sure enough, the call came in, after a curt reminder that getting a hotel was extremely presumptuous, she was safely in a cab and he was left on the curb.

When a dating train wreck is on the horizon, it’s best to politely decline upfront. But, if you really can’t get out of it, a friend in need can be the perfect scapegoat. The biggest trick is knowing (1) what is plausible, and (2) what is least likely to blow up on you.

Be Blunt

Chances are that if you aren’t enjoying yourself, neither is your date. Being upfront and stating the obvious can be a refreshing change of pace, and might even give the evening a shove back in the right direction. If someone breaks the tension and outright states that things seem tense or awkward, it is a clear signal that you can either try to salvage the night or abandon ship. If you’re out for drinks, stop after the first round and find a way to delicately say the night is ending for you. Dinner is tougher, but maybe you’re suddenly peckish—a to-go container and the check are all that stand between you and freedom.

Bad dates are wars of attrition: if you can just make it to the point where conversation starts to lag—from inebriation or food coma—you may be home free. Most of all, recognize opportunities to leave: any time a new activity is proposed is your chance to make a graceful exit. Rip the band-aid off and call it a day.

Lie Your Ass Off

We’re led to believe dating is a beautiful shared human experience where you get to meet a variety of people, all in the hopes that one day you will find that “perfect” someone. Or rather, it’s just a giant test on how well you can lie to someone. Nobody throws up a red flag like “I’m still in love with my ex” or “I’m planning on making a doll from your hair” until there’s some security in the relationship. If you’re already deceiving the person across the table from you, why stop now that you’re trying to bail?

A demanding job is a ready-made excuse. Never underestimate the power of slipping off to the bathroom and coming back with “I’ve gotta head into the office.” Or maybe your neighbor discovered that your fake pet got out of the house. (Be careful with that one, a nice guy/girl may offer to help you look.) Bottom line, if you’re trying to get out of a date, you probably don’t know the person that well. Who are they to call bullshit on your lies? Get creative!

Be Rude

Nothing kills a date faster than a supreme lack of tact. Talk about past relationships. Make up a story about how you came to this very same restaurant with a different date and then had mind-blowing sex afterwards. Recount that sex to your current date in startling detail with a strong sense of wistful longing.

You can kill any conversation with a well-placed heavy sigh and monosyllabic answer. If things start heading in a productive direction, cut them off with a simple “Ugh, that bores me!” If you’re never going to see this person again, you have free reign to be an asshole, so relish it.

Get Weird

From time to time you may become Facebook friends with someone before you can go on a formal date. Depending on your level of interest, why not pretend you’ve gone a few photo albums too deep into their profile for them to feel comfortable. Throw in a quick “I combined our faces in Photoshop to see what our kids will look like” or “I was so excited about tonight, I told my mom everything about you” and time how quickly they call for the check.

Instagram Your Food

I don’t care if Julia Child has risen from the dead to serve you a foie gras terrine wrapped in the pelts of a dozen baby harp seals who shit beluga caviar. If your date doesn’t immediately leave the table when you do this, then you probably should make sure your napkin isn’t soaked in chloroform, because they seem dead set on marrying you, with or without your consent.

Buckle In

If it’s really a lost cause, and there is no way to get out of it (you were picked up and your date is your ride, you’re at some godforsaken work event you can’t leave, etc.), give in and just have fun. Sure, you’re there with someone you don’t find particularly alluring, but who knows what another glass of wine and an apathetic attitude towards impressing your date will do.

Actually, this is probably just a recipe for disaster. So if all else fails…

Don’t Overthink It

Unless you are like the dozens of people clogging my News Feed with daily engagement announcements (and because you’re reading this I’ll assume you aren’t), you are still figuring out your love life. There is often a strong inclination to feel guilty about blowing someone off, but it’s important to remember that you aren’t doing anyone any favors by staying at a date you really aren’t enjoying.

If you’re desperate enough to get away after splitting an appetizer, chances are you won’t be going halfsies on a set of monogrammed towels anytime soon. By cutting out early, you are saving them the time of wondering how things went and whether to call you.

Getting out of a bad date is rarely a question of tactics, but rather a question of guts. If you’re too concerned with coming off as rude to someone you clearly have no interest in seeing again, be prepared to deal with a messier split later because you dodged the conversation the first time around. But make no mistake: that confrontation will come.

If you don’t leave a bad date early, make it clear at the end that you don’t actually have an interest in hearing him talk about his stamp collection or having her show you how to urban forage next weekend. Dating is hard enough. Don’t get bogged down in polite pretense.

Photo by Meaghan Morrison