Geekery

All My Shit’s Online

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My boyfriend and I have schedules that don’t match up. We have social calendars that sometimes deviate from one another’s. Sometimes I forget that we really need to get eggs from the grocery store. Again. And so did he on his way home from work. Life together is complicated, but we use a variety of Google web apps to make managing the chaos easier. When we started planning a trip to Japan, there were questions like “What the hell do I need to pack? How cold is it? Are we going anywhere warm?” (Everything, very, and no). Now, when we need to organize anything, we just share a document in the cloud: no fuss, no forgotten eggs, and just a clean spreadsheet synced across our devices.

Cloud 4

Photos by Chuong Nguyen

As a fairly avid iOS user, I have no issues using main competitor’s web products. Google’s products are built better from a user’s point of view, and they’re easier to access from any device with an Internet connection. If you’ve got an Android product, these services sync up nicely with your devices to make sure you stay on track with whatever you’re doing.

For weary travelers with organizational issues, read on:

Google Calendar (or How My Boyfriend and I Book Each Other Up)

When I was at university, I made appointments on my Google Calendar for myself when I had work and classes. I’d set the appointment to recur until the end of the semester, and gave it a separate colored label so it could fade into the background. This provided the basic template for when I had free time, how late I could sleep in, and approximately what time I’d come crashing home. From here, a differently colored calendar was my appointment book for assignments and papers. Small reminders of “12pg paper on Environmental Waste” or “Problems 1-35, odd, page 76” helped declutter my mess of syllabi from my school bag. It became easier to just check my calendar for when things were due for what class, than to rifle through a binder full of papers.

Cloud 1

When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other more seriously, we realized that we had fairly opposite schedules. I had work in the mornings and classes in the evening with some nights off, and he had classes midday and work in the evening with some mornings off. We had to compromise and find times for when we could see each other, and sharing our Google Calendars gave us the visual organization we needed to know that we could indeed see Iron Man on Thursday night, probably around 8 PM. His Calendar shows up as a different color than mine, so it helps me see when I’m free compared to when he is available. From here, it’s not that hard to text and ask if he’d like to have brunch on Saturday, because I can see that he’s working a closing shift. A few minutes of organization from you and your partner can make seeing each other so much easier.

Google Drive (or How to Always Have Everything You Need for School and Work)

Cloud 2

Google Drive

Google Drive started as Google Docs, but it’s become Google’s version of Dropbox. Sure it’s not exactly the same thing, but for major documentation and cloud editing, it’s the best that I’ve used. You can upload and store files from other applications, or choose to create and edit within your browser using Google’s alternatives: Docs, Sheets, and Slides.

Google Docs can be used to take notes for class or work, stored on the cloud for you to access from your smartphone, tablet, or laptop. It’s easier to study (and you can’t make excuses), because your notes are everywhere! For writers too, it’s a good idea to just start docs with your poetry or quick writing. You can come back to it later when you come home from the cafe or school, and revisit it if you want to.

cloud 3

Google Doc

I use Google Sheets (similar to Microsoft Excel) to calculate budgets, including how much I’m paying for rent, if we can eat at Chili’s on Thursday (yes, but no margaritas), and how much I can afford to put into savings. Planning for trips and events (such as my friend’s lovely wedding, including all of her ideas) is a breeze. I set up a tab for locations, another for timetables and itineraries, and another for my packing list. The reward for planning on Google Sheets is that I can check it or update it from the parking lot at the grocery store or from my work computer without forgetting it by the time I get home.

But here’s my favorite part: Google Slides is a cloud-accessible version of Microsoft PowerPoint, with all of the perks of shared collaboration. You can upload your template to the Drive, and everyone can add in their parts. From there, you can peer edit easily, with commenting and built-in tracking of all the revisions from each person. I also particularly like using Slides to present as well, to avoid issues with exporting and importing into PowerPoint. It makes working in groups in university or high school (and arguably in the professional world as well) very easy. There’s no angst about how Jenny doesn’t have PowerPoint 2012 or how Marcus wants to use this font that his dad designed but no one else has installed. (That said, standard disclaimer about putting private industry information in the cloud. Google has pretty solid security, but you don’t want to be the person that leaked big news to the public. Be careful, but be proactive about using it.)

Cloud 5

Google Presentation

For the folks who like having documents on the go, Drive is a godsend. I’ve studied from my smartphone in the hallway before an exam. I’ve used Sheets to see when I’m probably going to be debt free (or more realistically, if that new toaster is within my reasonable budget). I’ve watched my group sigh with relief when I pull up the presentation that someone forgot to bring on a USB drive.

Why You Should Declutter Your Life and Let Google Do It For You

It’s easy. You can have your social calendar on the go. You can study for classes, jot down notes, and plan your wedding from your smartphone or tablet. You can throw up that presentation about Grandma and Grandpa’s 50th Wedding Anniversary just because they wanted to see it again in without any hassle. Getting your stuff into the cloud takes a little time investment, but the payoff is huge. You can sync up with friends and coworkers, maintain and protect your access to your documents, and avoid duplication or loss of effort.  If you have a Gmail or Google Apps address, you already have access to Google Drive; if you don’t, it’s free to sign up!

Relationships

How to Mediate a Conflict

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Aren’t conflicts just the most fun? Every group of friends, coworkers, or any gathering of people will probably have some sort of drama every now and then.

Be it roommates who aren’t talking because of dishes left in the sink or people who are frustrated about scratch paper being left in the communal copier, it’s good to have a conflict mediation system up your sleeve to help folks work things out. Here are some basic steps:

Assess your Involvement. Are you the best person to be helping these people? Make sure you are actually a neutral party. If you’re not, get the eff out of there: you’ll really only make things worse and get yourself stuck in the middle. Is this a work issue? Make sure you feel comfortable enough with office politics to play this role. As a mediator, your job is not to figure out who is right, but instead to help the aggravated parties create an equitable solution together. Make sure you are coming from the right place.

Set your discussion up. Choose a comfortable, quiet, private place to chat. Start by setting some ground rules for the discussion. These are here to make sure the discussion stays on track and that people are less likely to be hurt by others’ words (because we all know that “sticks and stones” is a huge lie). Good ground rules include:

  • ‘I statements’: Participants only talk about their experience of the situation. This doesn’t include what they think others might feel, or why they think others have done something.

Pro tip: “I think you’re a bitch” is not an ‘I statement.’

  • Be kind: no yelling, no insults, no storming out.
  • If anyone in the group has to leave at a certain time, talk about that now so everyone is aware.

Tell everyone the structure of the discussion, so people know what to expect. Here is a typical structure:

  • Each person explains their side of the story and gets heard by everyone else.
  • Together, you all explore solutions.
  • After exploring, you’ll agree on a solution to start with.

Now it’s time to jump in!

Figure out what actually happened. Start by having each person explain where they are coming from. Flip a coin or draw numbers to see who starts first. In instances with large groups of people, it’s important to repeat this process with each individual, and not set up camps. Each person will have a unique experience of the conflict, and people ganging up on another person will defeat the purpose.

Here is an example, using our imaginary friends Oscar and Martha:

  • Martha won the coin toss, so she starts by telling her side of the story and why she is upset.
  • Oscar repeats what he heard Martha say without interpretation or explanation.

This is super critical. The goal of this piece of the process is to make sure that each person’s feelings are put out in the open, and each person can confirm that the other person understands. The summary should be something like “Martha says that it she feels frustrated when she comes home to a sink full of dirty dishes.” An example of a bad summary would be “I leave my dishes in the sink, and it doesn’t matter to me, because I have more important things to do than dishes.” As a mediator, it’s really important to keep people from digging in their heels and not trying the process out.

If you are mediating a conflict between a large group of people, have each person say something. They don’t have to tell the whole story back, but it’s critical that person who shared feels like every person understood.

  • Martha confirms whether or not Oscar understood her story correctly. I usually ask people “Is that how you feel?” or “Is that what happened?”
  • Repeat, but with Oscar’s side of the story.
  • If you are in a group, repeat until each individual has had an opportunity to tell their experience.

Take a deep breath. Well done! At this point in the mediation, things should already be looking up. Feeling heard is really powerful, and getting everything out on the table is usually more than half the battle. But, we still have to press on…

As mediator, identify key words and issues. Is someone looking for respect? Cleanliness? Remuneration? What were some needs that were identified as not being fulfilled? Choose the issues that need to be resolved, and get ready to start looking for solutions. Make sure to check first with the people who are upset—it would make things way worse to assume you know exactly what the biggest issues are.

  • A great way to ask this is, “It sounds like it really bothers you, Martha, when you come home and find dishes in the sink, is this true? Can I list this as one of the main issues to focus on?”
  • There is no right number of issues to focus on—it totally depends on the conflict and how much time you have. If you are pressed for time, make sure to ask the people you are helping what the most important things to focus on are.

Start Looking for Solutions. With the person who lost the coin toss starting first (Oscar in our case) or the last person to speak if in a large group, start asking your conflicted parties to suggest solutions to each issue. Each person should suggest a solution, and then there should be time to think before swapping to the other person. Go issue-by-issue and write the suggestions down until you have a good brainstorm of solutions.

Photo by Anastasia Heuer

Photo by Anastasia Heuer

Check In. Take a beat. Check in with those involved. Are they feeling good? Hopeful? Frustrated? If they are not feeling so great, go back and explore more about what is really going wrong. You may be focusing on something totally incorrect!

Make a Plan. Once you have a list of solutions and everyone’s feeling good, make an action plan, and make it SMART. That is, Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound. A bad solution would be “Oscar will wash the dishes,” but a SMART solution is “Oscar will wash dirty dishes within 24 hours of using them.” The latter solution can be checked in a way that the former can’t, and that makes it really easy to identify when Oscar hasn’t followed up.

Check Back. Make a time to check in with the involved parties to see how they are doing. Make plans for coffee a week or two later to see how they are feeling and reassess then.

Want to read more about conflict resolution? My favorite resource is The Center for Nonviolent Communication

Sports

How Not to Sound like an Idiot: Watching Sports

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Sports and sports fandoms have existed since ancient times. We, as a society, love to gather with like-minded people and talk about what we love and, for a lot of us that includes “The Game.”

So what do you do if you know someone who loves to watch and talk about sports, but you have no clue what they are talking about? Well, fear not: here are the basics of three popular sports to help you navigate your way through the top major U.S. sporting events of the year: the Super Bowl, the World Series, and March Madness.

Football: the Super Bowl

American football spawned from the game rugby (if you ever watch the two, they look pretty similar). The basic idea of football is to get the ball down the field to the end zone to score a touchdown. Play is divided into four quarters, each 15 minutes long. There is an offensive side (the one who has the ball) and a defensive side (the one who is trying to get the ball).

The offensive side has four attempts (called downs) to move the ball ten yards down the field (the field is 120 yards), or else they have to give the ball to the defensive side. The offensive side can do this a number of ways by running or throwing the ball to another player further down the field. The plays are counted by calling them the 1st down, 2nd down, 3rd down, and 4th down. Often, if the offensive team has not been able to reach a new “1st down” (by moving the ball ten yards in their four attempts) they will punt the ball (by kicking it down field) to the other team on their 4th down. This avoids a turnover (where the other team gets the ball). Turnovers can also happen if an offensive player fumbles (drops the ball and it is retrieved by a defensive player) or if a defensive player intercepts (catches the ball during a pass intended for an offensive player).

A touchdown (when the ball crosses into the end zone during a down) is worth six points. The scoring team then has an opportunity to score an extra point via a field goal (a kick in between the U-shaped posts) or a two-point conversion (another touchdown, but starting really close to the end zone). The offensive team can also choose to kick a field goal during the 4th down, instead of punting back to the defense or running a touchdown. If successful, this play will earn them three points.

Professional teams usually score around 15 to 20 points per game, but it can range anywhere from zero to 50 points each.

Basketball: March Madness

The basic idea of basketball is to get the ball down the court to score a basket in the net. Basketball is a fairly fast-moving game and the rules are different between an NBA (National Basketball Association) game or an NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association) game. Since March Madness is, in my opinion, a bigger deal than the NBA Finals, let’s focus on NCAA regulation rules.

An NCAA game is divided into two halves, each 20 minutes long. Much like football, the offense has the ball and the defense is trying to get the ball. The offense is given 35 seconds to shoot a basket or 10 seconds to move the ball past the half-court line—or else the ball is returned to the defense. This countdown begins at the beginning of each half and is restarted automatically after each basket is scored, (you can see this countdown timer on the scoreboard, usually above the score count). Each basket is worth two points unless the shooter gets a basket at or behind the three-point line, which earns them three points.

Professional teams usually score between 80 to 100 points a game.

Baseball: the World Series

Baseball is a slower-paced sport, and can sometimes seem boring if there isn’t a lot of action. The field is called a baseball diamond and has four bases: home plate, first base, second base, and third base. (Hello, middle school make out rules!) The point of baseball is to score as many runs as possible. A run is when the batter runs around all four bases and back to home plate without getting tagged by an opposing player who has the ball. One batter reaching home plate counts as one run or one point.

A game of baseball is divided into nine innings. An inning is when both the home team and the visiting team have played offense and defense (meaning, both have gotten a chance to bat). When an inning starts, the team on defense sends nine players out to the field: three in the outfield, four in the infield, a pitcher, and a catcher. The pitcher throws the ball to the batter, who tries to hit it out into the field using a baseball bat. Then, it’s basically a race: the batter runs to get to the base before the defense can throw the ball to the base. As long as the batter gets to the bases before the ball, he is safe; but, if he doesn’t, then he is out. Also, if the batter hits the ball in the air and a defensive player catches it before it hits the ground, that player is out—this is called a fly ball.

Usually, professional teams score around 2 to 5 runs per game; it is possible, though rare, for the score to get into double-digits.

I hope this helps you to understand the basics of these sports! If all else fails, just sit back, relax with a cold beverage of your choosing, and yell when everyone else yells. But don’t be afraid to ask questions! These games sometimes have rules so obscure that even pros can get confused, so as long as you’ve got the basics, you’ll be fine. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

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Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Food

Harnessing Every Last Bit Of Your Leftover Ingredients

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This Internet-wide preponderance of food blogs, food porn, recipe-shares, Pinterest pinwheel cookie pins—it’s no flash in the pan (filled with tilapia). People love food. Case in point: the Food Network has created a second entire network to fit all of its televised cooking and food-related content. Twenty-four hours a day wasn’t enough.

Leftovers Square

Photo by Alyssa Kurtzman

And food is a relatively easy, highly Instagrammable form of creative expression that you get to eat afterward. But I and others like me—who swoon at those unattainable middle shelves of Whole Foods aisles, dreaming of making that $40,000 salary—can’t easily justify buying a three-dollar bunch of rosemary just for the required tablespoon, chopped, in that cornbread-dumpling beef (or tofu!) stew. However! Don’t overlook the recipe or the ingredient, even though it costs almost as much as the beef (or tofu!) shoulder you bought in the first place.

Seriously, don’t leave it out. Rosemary, like most other fresh herbs (you heard me, genetically-programmed cilantro haters), is a delight, especially in an entrée or sauce with other earthy flavors in it. Its piney notes make your dish seem more dimensional and polished. But no one is going to use an entire package of rosemary in a recipe, unless you’re cooking for squirrels, because that dish is going to taste like an evergreen. So what to do with the remains? I’ve found that the longest-lasting and most practical use for it is to make a simple syrup or infusion with the leftovers:

  • Add the leftover herb (washed—don’t be lazy like that) into a small saucepan with equal parts sugar and water. A cup of each should be fine, depending on how much you have to work with.
  • Slowly dissolve the sugar and bring the mixture to a boil, stirring so nothing burns, and then turn the heat off and let that pretty little syrup chill in the saucepan, covered, for up to a couple hours—or more, I guess, if you fall asleep or something.
  • Then strain it through a mesh strainer into some kind of container, cover, refrigerate, et voilà! It should last for a few months or so.
  • Any herbaceous syrup will be delicious in homemade cocktails (yes, even cilantro, which is muy delicioso in a margarita). You’ll look super professional to your friends, like you planned the whole thing, as opposed to it being a byproduct of that pot of stew you ate by yourself while you marathon-ed Fringe. And for your non-imbibing friends (bless them), the syrups make for a lovely refresher when mixed with club soda.

If you’re not a fan of the sweet stuff, you can also let those leftover herbs sit for a couple of days in a bottle of gin or vodka for a more hardcore (and omgg bikini-friendly) rocks drink.

So what about your leftover scraps of everything else? One of the most crucial tools for maximum usage of your scrappies is your freezer. Sounds obvious, but you wouldn’t believe the variety of items that will keep and even improve by being put in the freezer. It’s not just for ice anymore!!!

Exhibit A: baked goods. Brownies, cakes, cookies, and chocolate will all keep remarkably well in the freezer—much better, in fact, than in the refrigerator. The fridge tends to degrade that moleculo-confectionary-mouthfeel (it’s science), while the freezer will fix the pastry in its delicious original consistency. They only take about an hour sitting out or a ten-second zap in the microwave to thaw—or you can just eat them frozen, which is surprisingly tasty.

Okay, baked goods aren’t necessarily an “ingredient,” but bread often is, and that freezes up like a charm. Other things that freeze like a 13-year-old doing the Cha-Cha Slide are meat, which is obvious, as well as butter and other types of animal-based fat, like bacon fat and lard—both of which are way fun and totally not gross to cook with, contrary to your probable opinion. Also cooked pasta, especially in some kind of tomato-y sauce, is often improved by “resting” in the freezer for a period of time. Obviously broth or stock will last until doomsday in there, as will ginger root and even bananas, which turn an unappetizing brown color but then eliminate the need for ice if you throw them in a blender with other smoothie ingredients. Other things worth saving in the freezer are anything with seeds, such as a spice mix containing sesame seeds, or flaxseeds, which you can also grind up in the aforementioned smoothie. That’s a trick a little old man who runs a spice stand in a shuk once explained to me: high oil-content seeds like that will quickly go rancid in a room temperature cupboard. At least I think that’s what he said.

What other ingredients could you possibly have left over after all that? …Milk? I guess you could make yogurt with it (you psycho), or else, you know, drink it. Vegetables? Odds and ends from onions, garlic, shallots? SFTS: stir-fry that shit. I’ve got a freezer full of lard if you need it.

Health

That Time of the Month: Dealing with Your Period

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It’s a plague brought unto us at the most awkward of times and lasts throughout most of our adult lives (or at least the arguably attractive portion). For many women, they just started bleeding one day and have continued to do so every month since. So, let’s clear up some confusion about what is happening, why, and how to best deal with it.

Most of us learned about our baby-making machines in adolescent schooling, but here’s just a quick refresher: Every 28 days or so (every woman is different) your uterus will shed the lining (called “endometrium“) that was meant to create a hospitable environment for a fertilized egg. Since the guest of honor didn’t show, it doesn’t need all those party decorations. Your body will go back to homeostasis, and in doing so your hormones will get all out of whack, leading to the oh-so-pleasant changes in water retention (bloating) and mood (PMS). The cramping that you might feel is your uterus contracting in order to expel the endometrium. This whole process can last anywhere from 2 to 7 days, although for most women it’s about 3 to 5.

To prepare yourself beforehand, the most important thing you can to increase your comfort is hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Before and during. A healthy amount of water in your blood works to promote viscous blood flow and hydrates your muscles helping to cut down on breakouts, painful cramps, fatigue, headaches, bloating, and loose bowel movements. Easier and cheaper than any over-the-counter medicine, right?

And, if you’re the type to get mood swings, exercise and a change of scenery will do wonders for your mood. Sadly, milk chocolate won’t help, but dark chocolate might! It contains small amounts of anandamides, which will give you a natural mood enhancement.

In actually dealing with the bloody mess, we have some options:

Pads

The easiest option. They’re easy to insert: just peel and attach. By simply having it down there, you know it’s doing its job. You don’t need to question when it’s time to change, your eyes will tell you all you need to know. There’s also that peace of mind that comes with knowing that there’s nothing foreign in your lady-crevices.

But they definitely come with their share of problems. While you can feel pretty secure with one on, it may lead to itchiness or, if left on too long, a certain smell that might alert others to the state of your vagina. Their comfort factor is reliant on bathroom accessibility, which kind of sucks. And, unless you’re catatonic, these pillows of cotton tend to shift, which can lead to a bit of a mess if you’re not careful. In addition to all that, they’re may not be the best at secrecy: not only does it feel like you’re wearing a diaper, you may look like it too.

If throwing away three pads a day is economically alarming, there’s an eco-friendly option to pads as well! You can either purchase or make your own re-usable cloth pads. I haven’t personally tried this, but I think it sounds like a fantastic option. It’s basically the same idea as reusable diapers, but with menstrual blood instead of feces. That’s about a hundred times less gross! Or about two times less gross—my gross tolerance may be a bit higher than most.

Tampons

My old go-to. They have many benefits over pads: they’re discreet, don’t show through your pants, and when inserted correctly, you can’t feel them. Plus, you can go swimming without fear of leaving a red trail and you can enjoy an active lifestyle without getting a rash! When dealing with your period, they’re the first road to freedom.

We have two options for tampon usage, those with applicators and those without. They’re both very simple, and easy to get the hang of. Insert the fatter end of the applicator into your vagina, grip the neck with your thumb and middle finger, and then press down on the skinny end with your index finger to push the tampon in and then remove the applicator.  Without a pre-packaged applicator, your fingers will act as the applicator. Same idea, except you grip the body of the tampon, and push directly on the string side of it. A little messier, but it has the benefit of more control over how it sits in your body. If you are able to feel the tampon inside of you, then it needs to be pushed deeper. Once you feel comfortable with the position, lightly tug on the string to ensure that it stays in place. If it doesn’t move, congrats: you’re good to go!

However, there are a few downsides: Tampons definitely have a time limit. Depending on your body, or the day of your cycle, this can range from one to eight hours. If you leave it in for too long, you can run the risk of overflow, unpleasant odor, and the most serious of all risks—Toxic Shock Syndrome (cue ominous music). Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) can result in death if it’s not caught early enough, and I think we’d all choose shedding uterine lining over death any day, amiright?

I once read a story about a women who forgot that she had a tampon in, then later had sex. The tampon didn’t come out for a few days. That might be something to keep in mind. Sorry for the nightmares.

Menstrual cups

I am in love with menstrual cups. These silicone vesicles of perfection have changed my life. Not only are the health benefits enormous, but they’re good for the environment too! They cost about $40 and one will last you up to ten years, so you’re no longer spending 10 dollars every month to protect your underthings and your dignity. They have the benefits of freedom that tampons provide, but with a menstrual cup you don’t have the risk of TSS. That’s because you’re not inserting cotton, which can harbor bacteria. The best thing about cups is that you’ll never leak with them and you can safely sleep all night in them! You probably shouldn’t keep them in longer than 16 hours on heavy days before you empty them, though, because that’s a pretty heavy load of blood to be keeping inside your vagina.

However, there’s a learning curve to them. First, make sure it’s right side up. The whole point is that it’s a cup to “catch” your blood. There are two ways to insert it depending on which is more comfortable for you. You can either pinch one side in so that the opening now forms a “C,” or you can punch down one side into the cup itself. Once inside your vagina, let go of the bowl of the cup to let it unfold, and then twist the base of the cup in a full rotation to form a seal of suction. If you hear a kind of popping noise as you twist, you know you’ve done it right. I usually like to pull down on it slightly and check if there’s any resistance. After this, wash your hands and you’re good to go! If you’re like me though, the first few times you use it, you might check yourself every ten minutes out of paranoia.

As for removing it, place your fingers around the bottom of the cup, and gently squeeze while twisting to loosen the suction. If you don’t loosen the suction, it’ll feel weird and you’ll know to stop, I promise. Hold it upright and then dump the contents into the toilet (or if you’re taking a shower, you can dump it down the drain). Rinse the menstrual cup (or wipe it down with toilet paper) before reinserting it to ensure a clean suction. It’s not actually that messy unless you purposefully fling it around or if you’re a complete klutz.

When you’re done with your week of menstruation, wash the cup and then soak it in boiling water for a few minutes. That will sterilize it, and you can then store it until your next period. Warning—you probably should not use if you have an IUD. Upon removal, the suction might pull your IUD strings out and—yikes—that would hurt.

So if you’ve been curious, or your period has been making your life hell, I hope I’ve helped shed some light on some solutions. Happy flowing!

Photo by Sara Slattery

Health, Money

Disputing a Medical Bill

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Usually, when navigating the confusing world of health insurance, after every procedure, check-up, etc., you get a lovely little statement from your insurance company. I liked these—mostly because they said “Amount You Owe: $0.” Until last year, when a tiny billing discrepancy with my dentist crumbled into a massive back-office mess. My dentist was really good, and I truly used to like her, but in 2012—almost 3 years after I started seeing her—I got a big bill.  As in a several thousand dollar bill. There had to be a mix up! I just assumed they must have billed me for the wrong procedure and all would be straightened out soon enough.

So, I called in. Turns out, the dental office had only received checks for one or two of my seven appointments. Then, I called my insurance company, who told me that the practice had to call them to figure it out. I called the dentist back, and her office told me to hang tight. Three months later, we had the same conversation. And again at the six month mark.

Finally, when we rolled into 2013, I got another bill, and I was fed up. No one from my insurance company or my dentist’s office was listening to me.

And then I discovered how to dispute a claim. And now, I can tell you.

To clarify, this dispute didn’t involve lawyers—if you want to read about that, you can hit up Google. I contested this myself.

First, find out how to file a grievance with your health insurance provider. A grievance is a basically a formal complaint. You can actually call in a grievance, but I chose to file one online because it was quick and I had a written record afterwards.

Grievance forms ask standard questions such as when the incident occurred, who the persons involved were, and what exactly happened. Awesomely, grievance forms also ask you if you tried to handle the issue on your own, what the outcome of your discussion with the providers was, and (perhaps most importantly) what you want the outcome to be.

My dispute ended there. Problem solved: I ended up only owing a mere $9.

But, let’s say your insurance company doesn’t do a great job at responding in a timely manner. You have rights. These are usually spelled out by your insurance company at the bottom of the grievance form. In my case, the insurance company had 30 days to give me a written decision. If I was in that process longer than 30 days, I could file a grievance with my state. This is often done through a branch of the health department, usually called the Department of Managed Health Care or something similar.

No insurance company wants to get the state involved, so hopefully you won’t ever get this far. If things still haven’t cleared up, you have other options before even hiring a lawyer, such as contacting your State Insurance Commissioner. This government line of defense can help you in more areas than just insurance issues. When a friend of mine was going back and forth with AT&T for months on replacing a faulty landline, she called the Public Utilities Commission and someone high ranking from AT&T called her back within hours.

And then, when it’s all over, be sure to tell your state’s Better Business Bureau. Other consumers can use your experience to make informed decisions about their insurance companies. At this point, you have had a rough experience and you should let other potential customers know.

Pro Tip: When filing a customer service complaint in any area—from health insurance to fast food service—the words Better Business Bureau can often help turn things your way.

In some serious cases, you will need a lawyer’s help; but, know that if you look around there are already many avenues carved out for you to get your problems solved.

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Sex

An Introduction to Kink

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So you want to get into BDSM? Welcome! The scene—in other words, the world of BDSM—can be a lot of fun, and people are generally friendly to newbies. All of this can seem intimidating, but just remember that everything should be “safe, sane and consensual.”

Here’s at least some of what you can expect:

Sex doesn’t need to be a part of your BDSM play.

There’s an assumption that BDSM is all about sex, but plenty of people have had scenes (a BDSM session with a partner) without even taking clothes off.

Expect a spectrum of interests.

BDSM can mean bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. People into BDSM are as diverse as people anywhere are.

The definition of this is slightly different for some people, but generally speaking, “safe, sane and consensual” means you’ll be having safer sex, not trying anything too risky if you haven’t been trained, not playing around with kink (I’ll use “kink” interchangeably with “BDSM”) under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and not doing anything kinky that both partners haven’t agreed to first. Bigger cities and conferences offer classes so people can become experts (classes are a great way to learn about something without trying it in a scene, by the way).

People who aren’t in the kink lifestyle often assume it’s all about “whips and chains”, but lots of kinky people never use either. Some people who are into impact play might use whips, but they could also use floggers or canes or belts or bare hands. Or even wooden spoons! Anything to make an impression (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun).

Despite what you might read in Fifty Shades of Grey, bondage isn’t the first step for many people. Bondage is something you do with someone you really trust.

How do you know what a potential play partner is into?

Well, you negotiate beforehand. It’s common for people to talk before a session together and work out activities that both people are comfortable with, as well as a way to end the session if things aren’t as expected. For example, play partners can agree on a safe word; it can be any word that isn’t likely to come up (so “no” or “ow” isn’t a good safe word, because a person can say those in conversation, without wanting things to stop). Some people use “red” as a safe word, with “yellow” as a warning that the scene might be getting too intense. Safe words aren’t the only tool at one’s disposal to be safe: there are plenty of other safeguards that you can use, depending on what you’re doing. Another example is a safe call, where you make an arrangement with a third party (not a play partner) that if you don’t call by, say, 11 pm and say that you’re safe, they’ll call the police.

One of the hardest things about kink is knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, so that you can negotiate these things with a partner. A way to figure out some of your kinks is to pay attention to what turns you on—it can be something that will surprise you!

Some people are more dominant, and some are more submissive. Others are equally comfortable in either role, and switch between the two: these people are known as “switches.” People who are more dominant might identify as a “dominant” or a “master”; submissives might identify as a “sub” or as a “slave.” Although “dominant” and “master” seem like synonyms, they aren’t, and that’s true for “sub” and “slave,” too.

So where can you find people to play with?

Fetlife.com, a social networking site for kinksters, is a great first step. You can use it as a way to find other like-minded people near you, or you can look at the groups. There’s a group—a chat board, essentially—for any kink you can imagine, and probably a bunch you can’t. The “Novices & Newbies” board has a section with frequently asked questions that is a tremendously useful resource.

That said, be aware that not everyone in your life will be accepting of your kinky leanings, so take it slowly when you “come out” to others about your interest in BDSM. You might want to be cautious about using your full name and a easily-recognized photo on Fetlife. (My photo doesn’t show my face, and I don’t use my real name—a choice made by many people in the scene. That’s also why this is being written anonymously!)

If you are wary about Internet security, how do you find out about kink?

There are some very useful books:

  • SM 101 by Jay Wiseman (Greenery Press, 1998) is an older title, but it has useful information about the basics of BDSM.
  • Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (Greenery Press, 2012) gives plenty of details about how to find people like you, how to negotiate with them, and even what to wear when you see them.

Regardless of what you’re into, remember to take it slowly! No need to rush into the scene—it will still be there in a week, a month, or a year. You’ll want time to figure out what you want.

Relationships

10 Red Flags You’re Seeing a Douchebag

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We all have weaknesses. Some people can’t stop themselves from eating a great piece of chocolate cake or buying those way-too-expensive designer shoes.

I, Charlotte Lewis, have a douchebag problem.

I am a sucker for a bad boy with a heart of gold. But the problem is that most bad boys don’t have a heart of gold. Or if they do, it is way too far beneath layers of issues they refuse to take care of. And honestly, in my experience, it’s way more likely they’re just straight-up assholes.

So, to help me (and all those out there like me), here are some sexual red flags I’ve compiled from my last few bad boys. Hopefully, this Douchebag Checklist will help us both steer clear of those not-so-nice guys or girls and remember that there are way better people waiting somewhere for us.

1.  Doesn’t come prepared (no condoms). This is not the most terrible offense, but if I’m taking precautions and spending money on birth control, I don’t think it’s wrong to ask the same of my date. The pill won’t protect you from STIs, and if he’s “forgetting” to bring condoms with you, chances are he’s done it before. But as a modern girl, it doesn’t hurt to have some on standby just in case.

2.  Leaves hickies in places you can’t cover up. Is there anything worse than going into work and having to wear a giant scarf in the dead of summer when it’s 100° outside? People know what’s under there! It’s embarrassing, especially when a coworker asks you if you’re hot and winks at you. True story.

3.  Holds your orgasms over your head. It may sound like a lot of fun at first to have someone constantly try to increase the number of orgasms they can provide you (and to be honest, it is), but after a while, it becomes too much of a game. He can hold “your number” over your head to create a power imbalance, especially when he’s withholding his own orgasm, that’s really not fun at all in the end.

4.  Comes over drunk. Drinking together can be a fun social activity, but coming over at the end of the night, after the drinking is already done? Not cool! I once got called out of bed, on a weekend when my mom was visiting, to pick my guy up from a bar at 1 am. And I went! Because he said he needed me. Oh, jeez—hindsight is 20/20.

5.  You’ve never met his/her friends. Not everyone is going to introduce you to their group of friends right away, but if you’ve been seeing each other for an extended period of time and you have the sneaking suspicion their friends don’t even know you exist? Not the best.

6.  You’re not allowed to sleep over at their place. Even though this guy had slept over in my bed multiple times, I was told that his bed was his sanctuary, and he needed to create a boundary there. Umm… okay.

7.  Pillow talk consists of dissecting their last relationship. We can all be this person from time to time. And it’s totally natural to talk out past relationship woes with a new suitor—in fact, sometimes it can be totally hilarious to swap horror stories. But if you know more about their past relationship than their current life, it is probably time to move on.

8.  Cheated on all their exes (and talk about it freely). Oh my god, this one is the worst! As someone who is looking for a monogamous relationship, the amount of times I’ve heard “I thought we were broken up” or “We were on a break” as excuses for cheating is enough to make me want to never date again. I even once had a guy look me straight in the eye and tell me that he had never not cheated on an ex… as a selling point. I’m sad to say that I still went out with him.

9.  Values their own kinks over your enjoyment. If something doesn’t feel right sexually, I want to be able to speak up. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new things, but “Hold on, can I please finish?” is never an appropriate response to “Can you wait a second?” (It only happened once, and I never saw him again).

10.  He/she’s a self-proclaimed asshole. This is really the crux of it. Yes, I’m a total sucker for a broken soul, but if someone is upfront with you and tells you from the get-go that they’re an asshole, the chances are they’re not lying. Value their honesty by listening.

Although fictional bad boys are totally swoon-worthy and have inspired the nurturer in me to soothe his pain and coax that sweet boy out from his tough exterior, reality has taught me that those boys don’t necessarily exist. And I’d probably be better off saving myself the pain and heartbreak and looking for a nicer guy next time.

Douchebag Square

Photo by Remi Coin

Geekery

Gaming Survival Tips for Noobs

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So, you’ve just bought your first online game and are eager to jump in and start grinding levels and slaying monsters! You quickly build a character and enter the game world. You look around and see hundreds of other players running around on quests and fighting monsters. But, as you grip that cheap wooden battle-axe, you suddenly realize—you have no idea what you’re doing.

As soon as you figure out some basic controls, you start spamming out HELP messages over the game interface. This is met with a wave of hate and obscenities the likes of which you have never seen before.

Before you can even respond, you are struck down by a level 88 Death Knight.

Game Over.

Gaming Square

Photo by Meggyn Watkins

“Well, that wasn’t very fun at all!” you might be thinking. What you didn’t realize was you joined a PVP (player versus player) server with Roleplaying chat on (where players only speak in-character). You were lost before you even began.

Unfortunately, for many gamers, this is how most begin their online journeys. I remember my first online games (Warcraft III and Final Fantasy XI). They’re fun up until you hit the steep learning curve, at which point you typically become a nuisance for experienced players if you can’t keep up.

The Internet, and games played over the Internet, offer everyone immediate access to just about anything and everyone they can think of. This type of accessibility can have its drawbacks, however. More connections along with almost complete anonymity mean you have the potential to run into some interesting situations.

It all started in the arcades—the original haven for gamers. Arcades were social venues which housed various video game machines that you could spend your quarters to play for short periods of time. Games required a lot of skill, and if you were good enough you were rewarded with your name on the high score list. This level of competition (combined with the fact that arcades required you to physically leave your home) made video gaming a social activity.

The first wave of consoles started a new trend: rather than go out to play in an arcade, home consoles allowed a player to play within the privacy of his or her own home, occasionally with friends. But it wasn’t until the 1990s when video games truly began to take an anti-social form.

Many of the games developed in the 90s were single-player adventure games. There were some pushes to bring back social elements to console gaming, such as party games and other multiplayer games, but this period cemented the stereotype of the anti-social gamer lurking alone in a dark room.

During this time, however, PC gaming was also becoming more popular, adding the advantage of playing games over the Internet. While consoles eventually caught up and added Internet connectivity, PC gamers have been re-connecting through cyberspace and re-inventing what social interaction means.

Many people still see this as anti-social behavior, but I like to think of it as a new frontier of interaction. Whether the Internet is the new standard means for communication or just an intermediate to whatever form of communication waits for us down the road, the impact it has had on gamers is substantial. That being said, it is important to remember a few things if you are unfamiliar with online gamers:

1. The Internet is anonymous, and the majority of people act accordingly.

If someone wants to be a jerk, there is no sense of restraint that you might find when talking face-to-face with someone. Let’s face it, there are mean people out there, but don’t get discouraged if you run into one of them. You can always walk away (or Ctrl-Alt-Del away). Most just have too much free time on their hands and are best ignored.

2. Be polite.

This pretty much speaks for itself. Avoid being the person listed above when possible. The huge benefit of the Internet—being able to connect to anyone anywhere—comes at a huge price: there is little to no moderation. This is why most online games come with their own little warning from the company waiving their responsibility for online interactions.

3. Don’t take things too personally, especially in a game.

For the above reasons, don’t take it personally if you encounter someone who is just out to ruin your day. Getting into arguments online or having negative encounters with fellow gamers has a chain reaction effect, similar to when someone is having a lousy day in real life. One negative event can make someone more likely to be negative to someone else later on. It’s much better (and relieving) to simply block them, switch servers, or exit the game.

4. Don’t be stupid.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but many gamers take what they do very seriously. Like the Death Knight example from earlier, if you wander into an advanced area without bothering to learn the proper etiquette, you are likely going to get flamed for it. It would be akin to walking into a fancy dress party in your underwear. Most games offer servers for beginners—an area designed for you to test things out few times without pissing anyone off. Failing this, the almighty Google should have answers for you if you are worried about impatient pro-gamers.

5. Take Your Time

Online gaming can be a great pastime, but don’t feel rushed to absorb twenty years of game development overnight. Find a game similar to what you are familiar with, and try to find a group or forum online that caters to beginners. You will normally be met with a lot more positivity than if you take the headstrong approach. Even better, if you already have a group of gamer friends, they might be able to help you get on your feet.

With these tips, you should be able to get into online gaming easily! But before you commit to paying a monthly fee for some games, perhaps try out similar games that you can play for free. For example, World of Warcraft allows you to play for free until level 20. So you can get in right away, find a beginner’s server, and get the hang of things before you commit. Star Wars: The Old Republic is now free-to-play as well, if you prefer sci-fi to fantasy.

If shooters are more your thing, Team Fortress 2 is also free-to-play, but once you get hooked in, you can buy upgrades and fancy hats.

If you are more the creative type, I would check out Minecraft. Though not free, it is fairly cheap to purchase. The game has many player-run servers; however, dedicated Minecraft servers through Mojang are currently in the works for a future update!

Have a game recommendation or some stories or tips from your own experience? Share them in the comments.

Health

Gymming at Home

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: You’ve just left work for the day. It’s rounding 8 pm You’re wiped out and starving, because all you ate for lunch today was a yogurt at your desk at 2 pm. You know your DVR is recording Parks and Rec, but you’d do anything to get home ASAP and just watch it. And… you haven’t worked out since the weekend. You’re feeling sluggish and angry with yourself because of that. Whatever shall you do?

Gymming Square

Photo by Elizabeth Kerin

SCENARIO A: You are a member at a gym. You would drive right over there if not for the über-starvation and the fact that you left your gym clothes and sneakers at home. It was a scattered morning! Your alarm didn’t go off! The dog peed on the floor! You didn’t have time for that nonsense. But at this moment, you feel pressured to justify that $500/year membership. I mean, you should at least go sometimes. And hey, maybe they’ll have Parks and Rec playing on one of those little TVs by the treadmills! Maybe. Though at this rate, you probably won’t get there till 10 pm.

SCENARIO B: Last year, you paid $300 for a fabulous little stationary bike that sits in the corner of your living room. One-time charge, no hidden fees. And there he sits: a reliable steed, ready to serve all your exercise-related needs. You get home, you grab a little sustenance, then you strap on your sneakers and hop on the bike. You spin for exactly one half hour as you watch Parks and Rec. And you’re done by 9 pm, ready to do everything else the evening requires of you.

Last year, I opted for Scenario B. If you’re the self-motivating type (or the type who likes to sing “Titanium” at the top of your lungs while you sweat and would prefer not to be judged), you might want to save the yearly gym membership fee and buy a machine of your very own. I’d been toying with the idea of purchasing a Soul Cycle membership, but upon seeing the hefty price tag ($3,500 for a 50 Class Series! What?!), I quickly decided I’d emulate the Soulsperience in my own home.

I turn off all the overhead lights. I get a few candles burning. I bump my carefully crafted Spotify playlist, the one that rhythmically mimics the life cycle of a proper spinning session: intense jams for those high-resistance climbs and zippy, excitable life-is-awesome tracks for the fast sprints. Sometimes I’ll do themed playlists. Yes, I have done a Disney spinning night. And a 90s Alt-Rock night. (Sans the flannel shirt. Not a fun garment for perspiring.)

Point being: All of these choices can be under your control if you do your gymming at home! It’s liberating. You will never arrive at your spinning or yoga class to find that it’s Britney-themed night, when all you wanted to do was chill to some Radiohead and Bjork and sweat away your existential rage.

Here are some fantastic options for at-home exercise machines, all under $500. Some of them require assembly (mine did). But it was no worse than putting together an Ikea dresser. Well worth it!

Another tip: check out Craigslist. Plenty of people are moving and probably want to sell their old exercise equipment! Only drawback is that you might purchase something sans warranty. But if that’s the case, you might be able to haggle on the price.

Happy Home-Gymming!