Category Archives: Sex

Sex

The First Time I Ever Had to Buy Condoms

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Let me tell you people, it was terrifying. I was seventeen years old, in high school, giving myself the pep talk of a lifetime as I sat in the parking lot of the CVS in the next town over. (Obviously, I wouldn’t dare make this purchase in my hometown, where a humiliating encounter with an über-gossipy friend-of-the-family was way too risky.) I had driven an extra twenty minutes out of my way just for this purpose. Just to buy condoms. For the first time ever. Holy good god.

I so wish the purchase of protection wasn’t such a humiliating process, especially for teenagers. What’s worse: buying condoms, or not using them at all? We shouldn’t have to ask ourselves that question! It has an easy answer. But here in the United States of Slut Shaming, a stroll to the CVS to buy condoms can feel like a long walk to the gallows in an old Western movie. And that’s not even exclusive to teenagers! I still feel that way, every time I have to do it, and I’m (mostly kind of) a grown woman.

That afternoon, I felt as though everybody’s eyes were glued on me as I finally mustered up the courage to get out of the car, walk through the door, and head to the “Family Planning” aisle. I told myself that if I wanted to do the deed, then this came with the territory. But when I got to the section where the condoms were stocked, a horrible surprise met my eyes: THEY WERE LOCKED IN A GODDAMN CASE. I would have to ask somebody to open it up for me! Apparently, a lot of pharmacies do this. Several years after this particular ordeal, I casually asked a pharmacist why the condoms were sometimes locked up. She explained that it was because they often had a problem with teenagers stealing them. Well, obviously they’re stealing the condoms! Our culture has made it humiliating to purchase them! It’s a vicious, awful, slut-shaming cycle.

So there I was, deer-in-headlights in the family planning aisle. I knew I had to get out of there fast before somebody tried to make eye contact with me. I’d have to formulate a plan. I also realized, at that moment, that I would need to purchase additional items. God forbid I give the cashier the impression that I’d come to CVS just for this very special, sexy occasion.

I stormed through the store, filling my basket with sunblock, deodorant, a diet coke, and a pair of socks. I needed none of these items. I only needed one item: the one I had yet to put in my basket. But I felt spending the extra cash would be worth it for the sake of my fragile, fragile pride. I feel it’s important to mention that I still do this, every single time I need to buy me some rubbers. It’s always hidden among several unnecessary items in my basket, lest I be judged.

Finally, it was time to re-approach that evil, monstrous locked case. I walked by it, eyes narrowed—Fine, bitch. Let’s dance. But my courage pretty much drained out of my every pore the second I timidly approached the pharmacy counter. My conversation with the (thankfully, female) pharmacist went a little something like this:

Me: “Hey. So. There’s this… locked case. Over there.”

Her: Silence

Me: “I was wondering if you had a key for it.”

Her: “Locked case of what?”

Me: (really, woman?!) “Uh… condoms.”

Her: “Okay. I don’t have the key. Jose does. Hang on.”

Me: (completely re-thinking all of this now) “No, no, it’s okay, wait—”

Her: (picks up the goddamn intercom) “Jose! Can you bring the keys to family planning, please?”

Beet-red, I grumbled something that was probably meant to sound like “thank you” and awkwardly shuffled back towards the locked case. No turning back now. We’d come this far. Jose was on his way, after all.

Well, Jose took his sweet-ass time getting there, or at least it felt that way. Every minute was agonizing. Finally, he showed up with a key. He purposefully avoided eye contact with me, lest he be judged for judging me. Oh, what a tangled web! But I took some comfort in the idea that he was probably just as embarrassed as I was.

So, now the case was open—oh, boy. I waited a moment for Jose to walk away and let me do my thing, but he was still standing there, waiting to lock the case again when I was done. But I’d never bought these things before: I had no idea what I wanted! And all Jose wanted—and all I wanted—is for this to be over! NOW!

And so, I took the most logical action I could take: I swiped like… five different boxes. Without even looking at them. Just casually tossed them in. Ribbed, Her Pleasure, Ultra Thin… who the hell even knows. I would try ‘em all! I’d try ‘em all and never have to come back here again.

Squirming like a fish on a hook, I bolted towards the checkout line. I probably didn’t even thank poor, awkward Jose. My purchases totaled up to something like $75, which was way more cash than I had in my wallet. I had to charge it to my parents’ credit card, the one I was only supposed to use for gas and emergencies. But obviously this was a justifiable emergency, as long as they never saw the receipt, which I would conveniently lose as soon as possible.

My boyfriend at the time had a pretty good laugh once he saw the haul I was stashing, and I realized pretty quickly that I hated all of the textures. Every single one of them. I also realized that I was slightly allergic to latex. But that’s how you figure out what you can and can’t use: buy a bunch of different varieties. Despite the enormous price tag of the ordeal, I’m glad I tried several different brands. If you’re new to this, that’s the only way you will figure out what you enjoy. Every person’s body is different! And if you are indeed allergic to latex, a latex-free option does exist.

So if you’re about to embark on this journey for the first time, heed my warnings, but please go purchase your condoms regardless! Be prepared for a locked case. Purchase additional items if it puts you at ease (just don’t max out your credit card in the process). Bringing a friend might make you feel a lot more comfortable. I wish that I had! Or better yet, make your partner buy them! Or at least make him/her do it next time. After all, it takes two to tango. Or… y’know what? HAVE SEX. Enough with the euphemisms: they only contribute to the awkward slut-shaming of it all. If you’re about to go buy condoms for the first time, then you’re ready to confront not only your own sexuality, but also that wicked locked case in the family planning aisle. Be brave and go forth! It’ll be so worth it in the end!

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Sex

Virginity: It’s None of Your Business

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So, you’re a virgin.

Or, you’re not.

Either way, has someone ever told you that it’s a “big deal”? That they can’t believe that you’re still a virgin. They can’t believe you lost it so young. They can’t believe you lost it with that person. They can’t believe you didn’tlose it with that person. They aren’t sure your virginity really counts, given what you told them about it when you were drunk. Given what they know from that person you were seeing, they don’t believe you’ve really had sex.

For something that seems so personal, people seem to have a lot of opinions about your virginity. It can be really hard to sort through what you want and what matters to you, as opposed to what other people expect.

It used to be that a woman—without an education, a job or the right to vote or own property—had little else besides her virginity that she could use to advance her place in the world. To a woman, virginity was something to hold onto tightly while a man, on the other hand, could be expected to “sow his wild oats” before he got married. Even today promiscuity is often expected of men and considered poor taste in women. But we live in a different time now, a time where sexuality is personal. It doesn’t (or shouldn’t) determine how far one goes in life. It can be as important or as unimportant as you want.

That idea used to sound strange to me:  society’s outdated value judgments aside, your virginity is supposed to be a big deal. It’s shackles. It’s the first time. It’s your most precious gift. Or whatever. Those are things that I’ve been told my whole life.

But it’s not true. Or maybe it is. That’s the great secret: we all get to decide. It took me awhile to realize virginity was just a social construct. It’s like the first time you do anything new—the first time you kiss someone, the first time your parents leave you home alone, the first time you ride a bike. But if it’s important to you, if it’s a moment that means something to you, then it means something. No one gets to tell you that it doesn’t.

As with most things, there is a flip side to that: virginity doesn’t have to mean anything either. It can be the first time you try something new, it can be with someone you’ve just met, or it can be with someone you’ve known forever. You can be in love, or “like,” or you don’t have to be. It can be on the fifth date, or your wedding night, or the first time you meet. You can wait until you’re 30 or 40 years old, or you can have sex for the first time at 18. Or you don’t ever have to have sex at all.

That’s right—you don’t ever have to have sex at all. You can have sex every day. You can have sex with girls; you can have sex with guys. You can have sex with people who don’t fit into society’s gender binary. You can define your sexuality or you don’t have to.

Sometimes, you’re going to struggle with it, and that has to be okay too. It takes serious mental effort to get through our socialized concepts. In spite of everything I’ve said to you here, things that I truly believe, I still struggle with it regularly. Because the social construct doesn’t go away and people asking about it doesn’t go away. Things are going to make you call into question your choices and people are going to try and force you to defend them. You may feel uncertain about what you’ve done or whom you’ve done it with. You may feel that you’re not as experienced as your friends or that you’ve given things away too easily.

Virginity is subjective. It’s socially constructed and it’s extremely personal. The person with whom you choose to have or not have sex, how old you are, when or where—none of that matters as long as you are honest with yourself about what you want. It sounds cheesy, but it’s true! In this, as in all aspects of life, the best thing that you can do is be good to yourself. Be honest. Be loud. And know that whatever you decide is okay, as long as you decide it. No one has any right to tell you what virginity means to you.

So, remember: your virginity is your business. Consent is sexy. If it’s not sexy and enthusiastic, then it wasn’t consent. And no matter who you are, no matter what gender or sexual orientation you are, you get to define sex for yourself—the first time, and every single time after that.

Photo by Sara Slattery

Sex

An Introduction to Kink

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So you want to get into BDSM? Welcome! The scene—in other words, the world of BDSM—can be a lot of fun, and people are generally friendly to newbies. All of this can seem intimidating, but just remember that everything should be “safe, sane and consensual.”

Here’s at least some of what you can expect:

Sex doesn’t need to be a part of your BDSM play.

There’s an assumption that BDSM is all about sex, but plenty of people have had scenes (a BDSM session with a partner) without even taking clothes off.

Expect a spectrum of interests.

BDSM can mean bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. People into BDSM are as diverse as people anywhere are.

The definition of this is slightly different for some people, but generally speaking, “safe, sane and consensual” means you’ll be having safer sex, not trying anything too risky if you haven’t been trained, not playing around with kink (I’ll use “kink” interchangeably with “BDSM”) under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and not doing anything kinky that both partners haven’t agreed to first. Bigger cities and conferences offer classes so people can become experts (classes are a great way to learn about something without trying it in a scene, by the way).

People who aren’t in the kink lifestyle often assume it’s all about “whips and chains”, but lots of kinky people never use either. Some people who are into impact play might use whips, but they could also use floggers or canes or belts or bare hands. Or even wooden spoons! Anything to make an impression (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun).

Despite what you might read in Fifty Shades of Grey, bondage isn’t the first step for many people. Bondage is something you do with someone you really trust.

How do you know what a potential play partner is into?

Well, you negotiate beforehand. It’s common for people to talk before a session together and work out activities that both people are comfortable with, as well as a way to end the session if things aren’t as expected. For example, play partners can agree on a safe word; it can be any word that isn’t likely to come up (so “no” or “ow” isn’t a good safe word, because a person can say those in conversation, without wanting things to stop). Some people use “red” as a safe word, with “yellow” as a warning that the scene might be getting too intense. Safe words aren’t the only tool at one’s disposal to be safe: there are plenty of other safeguards that you can use, depending on what you’re doing. Another example is a safe call, where you make an arrangement with a third party (not a play partner) that if you don’t call by, say, 11 pm and say that you’re safe, they’ll call the police.

One of the hardest things about kink is knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, so that you can negotiate these things with a partner. A way to figure out some of your kinks is to pay attention to what turns you on—it can be something that will surprise you!

Some people are more dominant, and some are more submissive. Others are equally comfortable in either role, and switch between the two: these people are known as “switches.” People who are more dominant might identify as a “dominant” or a “master”; submissives might identify as a “sub” or as a “slave.” Although “dominant” and “master” seem like synonyms, they aren’t, and that’s true for “sub” and “slave,” too.

So where can you find people to play with?

Fetlife.com, a social networking site for kinksters, is a great first step. You can use it as a way to find other like-minded people near you, or you can look at the groups. There’s a group—a chat board, essentially—for any kink you can imagine, and probably a bunch you can’t. The “Novices & Newbies” board has a section with frequently asked questions that is a tremendously useful resource.

That said, be aware that not everyone in your life will be accepting of your kinky leanings, so take it slowly when you “come out” to others about your interest in BDSM. You might want to be cautious about using your full name and a easily-recognized photo on Fetlife. (My photo doesn’t show my face, and I don’t use my real name—a choice made by many people in the scene. That’s also why this is being written anonymously!)

If you are wary about Internet security, how do you find out about kink?

There are some very useful books:

  • SM 101 by Jay Wiseman (Greenery Press, 1998) is an older title, but it has useful information about the basics of BDSM.
  • Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (Greenery Press, 2012) gives plenty of details about how to find people like you, how to negotiate with them, and even what to wear when you see them.

Regardless of what you’re into, remember to take it slowly! No need to rush into the scene—it will still be there in a week, a month, or a year. You’ll want time to figure out what you want.

Sex

Handjob Etiquette

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The date is going well. You’re kissing, petting, and the hands are going south. Ziiiiip… Is it time for a handjob?
Why HJs?

If you have a penis, chances are you’ve been giving yourself handys since puberty. Hands are how we primarily interact with things, it is the default setting for all tool use, so it doesn’t really make sense why that wouldn’t extend to the use of your tool. It’s more a question of “’why not?’”

Some folks don’t like giving head, which is understandable. Some people don’t like receiving blowjobs (which I think is less understandable, but to each their own). There is a time and a place for handjobs—specifically when it’s too early in the dating process for anything more (i.e. oral or sex), but dammit, that end-of-date kissing was awesome and intense and neither of you want to stop.

Also, avoiding STIs and pregnancy are some key health reasons behind choosing HJs over an end-of-date BJ. It’s very difficult to catch something from an HJ. You can catch almost anything during oral sex that you can during vaginal/anal intercourse, so there is no health advantage with oral sex, over intercourse, other than avoiding pregnancy.

Oral and vaginal/anal intercourse are often considered to be much more intimate than an HJ. People might just not be emotionally ready for sex, but still want to fool around and trade orgasms.

Attitude

“I wanted a blowjob! What’s this bullshit?” or “Aw, man, I’m not getting sex tonight. This sucks!” are common and highly inappropriate responses to a person who is kind enough to lift and lower your love pump to climax, and will likely result in you not getting any further sex acts from this person.

Life is too short for bad sex, and the same can be said for handjobs. Semi-sexy -time should be honored, respected, and most importantly, enjoyed.

Cues to an HJ

When making out in a private or semi-private space, heavy petting can lead to heavy petting down south. This is about a half-step from an HJ. If they’re down there for more than a minute, go ahead and unzip. Don’t whip your dick out; let them dig it out in case they don’t want to dive under the underwear.

CAUTION: Beware of HST (handjob standard time). Count Mississippis if you have to. Make sure it’s actually been a minute, and not just your wishful thinking. Generally speaking though, hand-on-dick is a good indicator. Transversely, when your partner puts your hands on their genitals, you’re probably good to go. Rules of reciprocity imply that they’re down for what they’re doing to you.

Mid-HJ Etiquette

Givers:

  • Never look bored. Your hand might be getting tired, but don’t look up at your partner with the “Am I going to get carpal tunnel?” look in your eyes. Stay involved, stay interested, and your partner will feel that way. Encourage your partner to keep their hands busy as well.
  • Don’t just jerk the thing. As in all things sexual, there is an art to it. Alternate speed, grip, and grip strength. Find out what your partner likes, not what Cosmo says he likes.

Receivers:

  • Be involved with your partner. Use this time to at least apply your foreplay skills. I’m not going to give you general foreplay tips—that’s an entirely different article.
  • Give them a handy. I find I have a much better time when the lady kind enough to lend me a hand also has a good time. Same principle applies if your partner has a penis. Be nice to them; they’re being nice you.
  • The above is especially important because a dick is a simple mechanism. There is really a limit to how complex a technique one could use to jerk a penis. It only involves the hand, and it gets boring. Don’t bore your partner; keep them engaged. Keep your body close to theirs. If they’re turned on, their hand won’t tire as fast.

Cleanup

No one likes dealing with ejaculate. I’m a man, I’ve been around my ejaculate since puberty, and as soon as that shit leaves my body, I want to be as far away from it as possible. You don’t want to be caught unprepared to deal with jizz—you could turn what has been some very pleasant semi-sexy -time into an awkward “where-do-I-wipe-this?” moment that kills the entire encounter.

Be polite—this means not ejaculating on another person’s property without their expressed approval and enthusiasm. Some people are into it, but many aren’t. This is especially true if you’re in a car, and especially if this person has been nice enough to drive your ass around and tug your luxury liner into port. Ejaculation etiquette is paramount.

Don’t jizz on their cushions. Don’t jizz on the dash. I wouldn’t advise you try to jizz out of the door or window. Not only will you probably draw undue attention to yourself, if you miss you’ll make the inside of the car door look like Slimer’s albino cousin just left the building.

If it’s your own car, your partner might think you’re gross. Jizz on yourself, and again, your partner might think you’re gross. This isn’t a problem if you never want to have this person jerk you off again, but assuming you do, it helps that your partner not think of you as some sort of semen slob.

Kleenex isn’t ideal. And, unless the person jacking you off is a mother of three and is driving a wood-paneled station wagon, odds are they won’t be handy. If you’re a male in his 20s, having Kleenex in your car is conspicuous. It may look like you use Kleenex to mop up the aftermath of masturbatory missions ten times for every one time you use them to blow your nose. I know it. You know it. Unless your partner is woefully naïve, they will know it too.

There is an ideal solution: moist towelettes. Like the kind you get from a fast food restaurant. Let’s say this was a premeditated palm penis-polishing, but you didn’t want it to appear to be planned and risk losing the excitement of spontaneity. Before your date, go to KFC and order something small and see if you can get some moist towelettes. (I like to get the cornbread.) You can keep them on stock for months at a time. Just pop one into your pocket on your way to your date. Cleanup is quick, easy, and convenient—no awkwardness or ejaculatory acrobatics required.

Aim

You don’t have to be Robin Hood. When you’re squaring off manmeat-a-mano, stay on the mano. (Your partner is using their hand, so keep it on the hand as best you can.) Warn your partner—try to give them about three seconds to dodge, dip, duck, and/or dive as they wish. In my experience, they just shift their hand a bit to make certain they don’t get any on their hair or clothing.

After that, conveniently produce a moist towelette, and enjoy a bit of afterglow. (Don’t forget to return the favor if she/he so desires.) Kiss goodnight, and pat yourself on the back for a handjob well-received.

HJ3

Photo by Sara Slattery

Health, Sex

Understanding STIs

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My first introduction to STIs was when I was 14.

No, guys, not like that! My mother, a cardiologist, always believed in firmly and openly talking about health issues. While I can respect her openness and transparency, I’ll never forget her methods.

I came downstairs ­to wait for dinner while my mom was rustling about upstairs in her room. She then came running down the stairs like a little girl, holding ripped-out pages of an American Medical Association journal, all showcasing a wide range of STIs with detailed photographs of the most extreme outbreaks and symptoms.

“These will be the dangers you face in life if you don’t protect yourself,” she said morosely, before breaking into a laugh, and setting the table.

In case you weren’t lucky enough to consume images of genital warts with your meatloaf, I’ve taken the liberty to break down the various types of common STIs in the U.S. Also, since I host a sexual health web series, I decided that I should share my research with you, instead of just maintaining a questionable Internet search history on my computer. Unlike my mother, I don’t recommend reading this over dinner.

Chlamydia 

What it is & Symptoms:

Chlamydia is the popular kid at the party, as it is the most frequently reported STI in the United States.  It is a curable STI, spread through unprotected anal, oral or vaginal intercourse and exchange of body fluids. Known as the “silent infection,” many times, it remains symptomless. In fact, 50% of men and 75% of women with the infection actually show no signs.

However, if you do show symptoms, they can show up weeks after exposure, and may include burning during urination or abnormal vaginal or penile discharge.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Generally, doctors will test urine samples or take sample secretions from a man’s urethra or a women’s cervix.  If you test positive, the doctor will prescribe antibiotics that will rid you of the disease within 1–2 weeks. However, you should be sure to take the medication for the entire duration prescribed. Repeat infections are very common, so refrain from any sexual activity ‘til your follow up test comes back negative.

If left untreated, chlamydia can result in urethritis for men or potential reproductive issues for women.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

Chlamydia has been around for a thousand years, but only in the 1960s was it finally classified as an STI. Talk about a drastic makeover.

Gonorrhea

What it is & Symptoms:

Gonorrhea is also a curable STI transmitted through unprotected oral, anal, and vaginal intercourse and body fluid exchange with someone infected. Symptoms can appear 2–5 days after infections, but in men, symptoms make take months to show up. In fact, some don’t even have symptoms.

Some male symptoms may include burning and increased frequency when urinating, discharge from the penis, and swollen testicles. In women, symptoms are generally very mild and vague, often mistaken for a bladder or a vaginal infection.

Diagnosis and Treatment:

Like chlamydia, gonorrhea is diagnosed through a urine sample and also treated with antibiotics. Generally, if you are positive for gonorrhea, you should also get tested for sister diseases, such as chlamydia and syphilis.

If left untreated, gonorrhea can spread to the blood and joints. For men, it can cause a painful condition in the tubes attached to the testicles, which can potentially lead to infertility. For women, it can spread to the uterus.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

Gonorrhea is also known as “the clap.” Many people believe the name came from the French brothels, known as the les clapiers, because the men who frequented them eventually ended up with the infection. So basically, blame the French. 

Syphilis

What it is & Symptoms:

Syphilis is a bacteria-based STI that is also curable. It can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact with someone who is infected with syphilis sores. Symptoms can appear from 10–90 days after infection.  There are actually four stages of syphilis, with the first two being highly infectious.

    1. Primary: One or more sores show up where syphilis has entered the body, generally near the genitals. The sore is firm, round and painless, and can easily go unnoticed. It lasts 3–6 weeks and goes away on its own, regardless of treatment. However, it can then progress to the second stage.
    2. Secondary Stage:  Flu-like illness, a non-itchy rash covering the whole body or in patches, patchy hair loss, and white patches on the tongue or in the mouth are all symptoms.
    3. Latent stage: If secondary stage syphilis is untreated, it can turn into latent. Here, the primary and secondary stage symptoms all clear up, even though the syphilis remains in the body. This latent stage can last for years before progressing.
    4. Tertiary Stage: 15–30% of people infected with syphilis who don’t get treatment will go onto tertiary or late stage, where the disease can damage your brain, eyes, heart, blood vessels and bones. These problems can occur many years after the original infection.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Syphilis is diagnosed through a blood test and may be cured with about two weeks of antibiotics depending on the stage that it was discovered in.  If left undiagnosed, syphilis can spread to the brain over a long period of time, hence its reputation for driving a person “insane.”

Dinner Trivia Fact:

Rumor has it that Christopher Columbus may have spread syphilis in Europe/Old World after catching it on his fateful trip to America in 1492. Suddenly, a t-shirt doesn’t look like such a bad travel souvenir.

Genital Warts

What it is & Symptoms:

Genital warts are generally caused by a strain of HPV, which spreads through skin-to-skin contact during unprotected oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse. Many times, warts will take six weeks to six months, or sometimes years, after infection to show up. It’s important to note that the strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer are not the same types that cause warts.

Genital warts can be so tiny that you don’t see them, and can resemble flesh-colored bumps or cluster together, looking like cauliflower. They are found on the tip of the penis, scrotum, vagina, or in or around the anus.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Doctors can diagnose genital warts by examining them under a lens. There is no cure for HPV, but there are methods to treat visible warts that should only be done by a doctor. Doctors may give you a prescription cream, medication, or remove warts through surgery; however, since the virus itself cannot be cured, warts may return within 3 months of treatment.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

There are over 120 strains of HPV, but the body can clear most strains. Only certain types advance to cancer or warts. Basically, your body is a soldier! How’s that for a positive body image?

Genital Herpes

What it is & Symptoms:

Herpes is highly contagious and spreads through sexual fluids or saliva exchange with an infected person.

Herpes actually comes in two forms, the HSV1 and the HSV2 strains, which affect both men and women in the mouth or on the genitals. HSV1 strains are commonly known as cold sores that are found around the mouth; these are not the same as genital herpes, which are caused by HSV2 strains. Many times, herpes shows no symptoms, so those that are affected will not know. If you do have symptoms of genital herpes, some of them may include clear or white pearl-like blisters in the genital area and itchy, burning rashes. You’ll generally have an outbreak about 2-30 days after being infected.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

A doctor can diagnose herpes through a blood test or by taking a sample from your sore. Once you have herpes, it will never go away. You can only manage how frequently you have an outbreak.

For treatment, your doctor will give you antiviral medications, so you can stay symptom-free longer. After the outbreak goes away (usually 2–4 weeks), the virus lies dormant in the cells, and can reoccur when you have any reduced immunity.

Dinner Trivia Fact:

It’s estimated that 1 out of 5 Americans have genital herpes. This should make you look at your classmates at your high school reunion in a different light.

Important Note: if you test positive for any of these STIs, you should tell your partner and any previous partners that you may have potentially infected. For future sexual experiences, prevention is really the key. Take the necessary precautions by getting tested and discussing the results and options with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.

Shoot, if you need any help communicating, I can send some of my mother’s magazine images your way.

By Michelle White

By Michelle White

Sex

Good Vibes: A Guide to Vibrators

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So you want to buy yourself a sex toy. Where do you start? There are so many—how do you know which type is for you? What about how loud it is, how intense it is, what it’s made of? Where do you even go?

Not to worry, knowledge is power and I am about to share what I’ve learned with you. I hope this will empower you to take control over your own sexuality and sex enjoyment (if you haven’t yet). If you have: hooray, and well done!

A note for males: in this article, I address ladies because I am a lady. However, vibrators can absolutely be for guys, as can sexual empowerment, so I encourage you to read the article and take what you can from it.

Now, let’s talk vibes.

Vibrators vs. Dildos: Choose your pleasure

This can be a tricky one, but it’s a good starting point. Some sexy lady toys are vibrators, some are dildos, and plenty are both. If you know whether you’re more sensitive to clitoral stimulation or G-spot stimulation, that’s a good place to start. If your previous self-sexy experiences have led you believe that the best way to get yourself off is to rub that little nub at the front of your lady-flower (inside the folds of your labia, but not inside your vulva), then you prefer clitoral orgasms. A slight majority of women are with you on this, and you may want to focus your attention on vibrators that are not dildos. However, if you’ve found that you prefer the feeling of something inside you, as opposed to some external rubbing, then you likely have a preference for the G-spot orgasm. In your case, looking at dildos (that are and are not vibrators) is a good idea.

What if you don’t know what you prefer? What if you’ve never had an orgasm before? (Or you can’t say for sure?) Well, ladies, that is just fine! When I bought my first vibrator, it was at the advice of a caring and wise gynecologist, after coming to her worried about the excess pain and lack of pleasure I felt during my first few months of having sex. Her advice: “Take a nice long bath, put on some music, and experiment with yourself. See what you like to do.” Since I had no idea what I might like, I bought a vibrator that looked pretty versatile: The Easy Glider. It can comfortably stimulate the G-spot as a dildo or pleasantly pleasure your clitoris, so I had the versatility to learn more about my body and my preferences. And I definitely figured out how to know if I had an orgasm.

Meet the Vibes:

Bullet, Eggs, and Rockets (Clitoral Vibrators):

  • Pocket Rocket is a crazy popular brand that you can find almost anywhere. I haven’t used one myself, but I’ve heard they are particularly good for beginners.
  • The RO 80mm Bullet and The Go-Go Bullet are pretty typical bullet vibes. I don’t own one (yet), but I like that they seem to be simple and easy to manipulate.
  • Babeland Leaf Life is one of the more fancy-schmancy, design-student-project vibrators. I must admit, I’m always drawn to their aesthetics and the contours tend to help them work well, but they also typically have a higher price tag.
  • The Club Vibe 2.OH is an example of how kooky and fun these guys can get. It’s remote controlled and can vibrate at different speeds to the beat of your music.

 

Just G-Spot Vibrators

  • The Tiger Vibe is a classic G-spot stimulator. Note its shape: that’s the most common shape to look for if you want a solid aim for your G-spot.
  • The G Swirl SmartVibes is another example of a vibrator that is designed for your G-spot. Either of these can probably do a decent job on your clitoris, but that’s not what they’re built for.

 

Versatile Vibrators (use them however you want*; good for beginners who are experimenting)

  • As I said above, The Easy Glider was my first vibe and it was perfect for starting out. Just $20, can be used inside and out, and has a spectrum of speeds.
  • My absolute favorite vibrator right now is another versatile one: the Lelo Gigi. (Explore the whole Lelo site as I’ve heard all their products are excellent.) The Gigi fits snugly wherever I want it and has a variety of vibrating patterns and intensity. The drawback, however, is the price. I got mine on sale through Amazon, though, so look out and snag those deals if you can!
  • If you can’t decide, get a kit! The Babeland Vibrator Starter Kit will get you a Silver Bullet, a G-spot stimulator Orchid G, and a Sonic Ring to put around anything that might be penetrating you and add some clitoral stimulation into the mix

 

*If you want to use a vibrator or any sex toy for anal play, make sure it looks like this, with a safety bit at the end that keeps it from completely entering the anus. Unlike a vagina, which is not super long and gets much smaller as you go deeper, your anus goes right on to your intestines. You definitely don’t want to go to the hospital to get anything embarrassing removed.

You may have heard of…

  • Rabbit Vibrators. These little guys have a nice bulbous dildo bit and a delicate little clitoris bit to stimulate both parts at once. I have The Butterfly Kiss, which is a Rabbit variation. One drawback is that sometimes the top of the dildo can be a bit big: Rabbits tend to come in a standard size, whereas ladies come in lots of different shapes and sizes, If you’re interested in trying, though, check out this little guy: My First Rabbit Vibe.
  • Hitachi Magic Wand. “The Cadillac of Vibrators” might look a bit alarming at first glance. The tennis ball–sized head is too big for most people to insert (though there are dildo attachments that are more manageable) and the thing looks more like a massager for shoulders and backs. That’s because when it was first marketed, it was a massager for shoulders and backs. Thank Betty Dodson and Sex and the City for finding its true purpose! The Hitachi is supposed to be very powerful—too powerful, in fact, for many. If you’re interested but intimidated, check out the smaller, less intense Mystic Wand.
  • The We Vibe. This little guy has appeared on Oprah, Dr. Oz, and more! The little U-shaped device fits snugly against your clit and your G-spot, stimulating both at once. Meanwhile, the vibe is small enough that your partner can penetrate you and enjoy the vibrations him or herself. There is a lot going on in there! I’ve never tried anything like this, but it certainly sounds exciting and there are tons of testimonials on the website if you’re interested.

 

Other Factors to Keep in Mind:

Intensity: 

If you’re a beginner to the vibrator world, you probably don’t yet know how intense you need your vibrator to be in order to enjoy it. You might buy your first vibrator only to feel under-stimulated by a little pocket rocket or over-stimulated by the Hitachi. For your first time, look for a vibrator with different vibration settings, so you can experiment. If possible, I prefer vibes with either several settings or a sliding scale of intensity so I don’t find one setting too light and the next one too intense. Also, many vibrators have different vibration patterns, which can be fun!

Volume:

I don’t know your sexy needs so this may not be a problem for you, but some vibrators are loud. Luckily, most websites have both a volume and intensity star rating system, so you can fit your purchase to your needs. And if you’re buying in a store, feel free to take out the vibrator and turn it on and listen to it. I would say that two stars is quiet enough to use if thin walls are all that separate you from your parents or even if you’re in the same room as a sleeping roommate, if that is the sort of daring thing you might do.

Power:

Once upon a time, all vibrators were powered by batteries. Today, you have far more options. Some vibrators plug into the wall. Some recharge with a wall outlet, but can hold their charge for a time (these are my favorite). Some are even solar-powered! Again, keep in mind your needs and preferences when shopping.

Materials:

Different materials give you different experiences, so it’s good to consider what you might want. Harder plastic and metal both transmit vibrations well, but they are also very firm and inflexible. Hard plastic, metal, glass, etc. are also nonporous, and are therefore super easy to clean with soap and water.

Soft plastic and jelly rubber can provide a lighter touch (but these can get powerful as well) and also offer flexibility that allows you to manipulate them easier. The downside of these is that they are extremely porous (so they can trap dirt and bacteria) and need to be washed very carefully and thoroughly, or else used with a condom.

Silicon is becoming a very popular material for sex toys. It is nonporous and easy to wash, and you can even boil it for extra disinfecting if there is no vibrator inside. Due to its popularity, there are now products with silicon blends as well, which can provide more flexibility but also more pores.

Lubes:

This could possibly be an entire article, but for now keep in mind some things about these four types of lubes:

    1. Water-based lubes are the most common and are compatible with condoms and silicone toys.
    2. Oil-based lubes are good for hand jobs, but break down condoms/latex and aren’t good for your silicon toys.
    3. Silicon-based lubes are long-lasting, but hard to wash out and expensive.
    4. Extra virgin coconut oil is an excellent lubricant and doesn’t leave you feeling sticky after, so it makes great massage oil as well.

 

Where to Buy / How to Shop:

Shopping online is my preference because I like to read reviews, check volume and intensity levels, search various sites to see if I can get the same thing cheaper elsewhere, etc. Some great sites to start with are Babeland and Good Vibes. Both are female-friendly, non-skeezy sites with good customer service and discreet shipping labels. I’ve heard that Adam & Eve is good too, though I have never bought anything there myself. I’ve also bought brand-name vibrators from Amazon on sale.

If you’re planning on going to a shop in person, look around for a women-friendly or an upscale sex shop, as you will probably be much more comfortable there than in a dirty room with girly magazines and leering creeps. Have a rough idea about what you’re looking for and know what you want to ask the sales clerk. If you have a friend with whom you’re comfortable talking about your sexy preferences, bring them along to get a second opinion and ease the tension you might feel going alone. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask for help! Ask for opinions and advice from the sales staff and have them put batteries in your options and turn them on for you. You can hear the volume and test the intensity on your nose to get an idea of what it will feel like.

In short: be brave, be unashamed, be sex-positive! Good luck!

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