All posts by Ryn Muat

Brainfood

Teaching Myself Buddhism

Leave a comment

For me, it began with yoga. A new studio opened in my hometown, I wandered in out of curiosity and walked out with an interview to work in their daycare. I started doing yoga and, a year and a half later, my primary instructor handed me a book called Dharma Punx by Noah Levine.

If you haven’t seen it, the book’s cover is a photograph of the author’s tattoo-covered hands in prayer position against a stark black background. I was intrigued. The story details Noah’s young adult years in Santa Cruz, CA, his descent into drug use and eventual arrest, and his turnaround following a poignant conversation he had with his meditation-teacher father, Stephen Levine. After his release from prison, Noah began attending classes and sitting retreats at Spirit Rock Meditation Center, a center that was just a few hours away from where I live. Within a year of reading Dharma Punx, I attended my first weeklong meditation retreat, not realizing it would be a silent meditation retreat—as in silent all. day. long.

On the first evening, I was sitting in the dining hall, eating dinner after settling into my room, and the man across from me commented to the woman beside him, “I can’t believe people are talking right now.”

The woman replied, “Oh don’t worry, tomorrow you ‘ll be able to hear a pin drop in here.”

“What?” I blurted out.  “Is this a silent-silent retreat, as in no talking? Not just during meditation?”

They both looked at me quizzically. It didn’t help that I was probably the youngest person in the room by a good 20+ years on average. They explained the retreat’s parameters: no talking on site, not even in the residential halls, and reading and writing are also discouraged. Gulp.

And thus, I entered the silence for the first time. I’ve since attended two additional weeklong retreats and listened to many, many dharma talks. I’m still working to make time for meditation every day. These experiences with Buddhist teachings (dharma) have significantly shaped my perception of and approach to life.

In a dharma talk I listened to recently, Joseph Goldstein summed up the dharma thusly: everything is connected (non-self), nothing lasts (impermanence), you are not alone (suffering). It is our suffering that helps us to feel compassion for one another. The first of the Four Noble Truths is that dukkha (suffering) exists, the second is that it is caused by craving or clinging. The third is that suffering abates as craving is relinquished. The final of the Four Noble Truths is acceptance that the Eightfold Path leads to the cessation of suffering.

Here are a few concepts that have particularly stood out to me over the years:

  • Near Enemies and Far Enemies: the Four Brahma-viharas (Source)
  • In Buddhism, there are four desirable states, or brahma viharas. Each of these has both a near enemy and a far enemy. The far enemy is easy to spot, while the near enemy can masquerade as the desirable quality.
    • Metta (loving kindness): near enemy is attachment; far enemy is hatred
    • Karuna (compassion): near enemy is pity; far enemy is cruelty
    • Mudita (sympathetic joy): near enemy is comparison, insincerity; far enemy is envy
    • Upekkha (equanimity): near enemy is indifference; far enemy is anxiety, greed
  • Five Daily Recollections (Source)
    1. I am of the nature to grow old; I cannot avoid aging.
    2. I am of the nature to become ill or injured; I cannot avoid illness or injury.
    3. I am of the nature to die; I cannot avoid death.
    4. All that is mine, dear and delightful, will change and vanish.
    5. I am the owner of my actions;
      I am born of my actions;
      I am related to my actions;
      I am supported by my actions;
      Any thoughts, words or deeds I do, good or evil, those I will inherit.
  • Enlightenment takes effort (samma-vayama).
    Don’t strain or judge yourself harshly.

If you’re interested in exploring Buddhism, here are my suggestions:

  • Look up the nearest meditation center or Buddhist temple. Most centers have a variety of classes, daylong retreats, and overnight retreats. Do your research and delve into the background of each center—there are big differences in approach on every level, from the branch of Buddhism on which the center bases its teaches, to the daily schedule of meals and meditation.
  • Listen to dharma talks. DharmaSeed.org has literally thousands of dharma talks that you can stream for free. You can search by key word to match the subject to your current feeling (e.g. stress, anger, frustration, calmness, love) or search by teacher. They even have a free app for mobile device streaming.
Photo by Sara Slattery

Photo by Sara Slattery

Sex

Nobody’s Perfect, Neither Is Sex!

Leave a comment

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. That is long enough for the flames of passion to turn into a mere flicker without a bit of effort. Nothing kills a good boner (of the lady or manly variety) quicker than pressure, self-consciousness, or criticism. The key to keeping sex hot while in relationship is to settle into the fact that you’re going to be doing this act with this person many, many, many, many times, so there’s no need to put pressure on any one roll in the hay to be the best in your lives. Instead, it’s about learning each other’s bodies and continually raising the bar.

You’re creating a sexual relationship with your partner and, like all relationships, it will require communication and a little effort to stay healthy and vibrant. The most toe-curling orgasms aren’t planned out: they sneak up on you. And like many things in life and nature, they’re ephemeral. Subtle differences in mood, context, and connection make each sexual encounter unique. The best we can do is set up an environment that invites this kind of magic.

Here are a few tips to fire up the action in your bedroom:

Unpack your bags. No matter your gender, if you’re over the age of 20 then it’s likely that you have some skeletons of the emotionally traumatic variety hanging out in your closet. It is helpful to know some things about your partner’s history. When you know what the body you’re touching has been through, you can touch that body in a way that subtly acknowledges those experiences. This can be incredibly healing and is the first step to clearing the slate for the relationship that you’re creating now.

The flip side: Don’t feel like you have to rush through this process! At a year and a half, my boyfriend and I are both still working on certain deeply ingrained beliefs and patterns.  If you’re suppressing a thought or feeling because you’re afraid your partner won’t understand, this is either a sign that you need to build the courage to speak up or a sign that this isn’t the right partner for you.

The male ego can be sensitive. In my experience, men often do not receive criticism in the moment very well. I’ve had more than one partner over the years ask me to please bring things up outside of the bedroom. It is so much easier to discuss the anatomical / mechanical aspects of sex when you’re not in the middle of doing them.

The flip side: Men, make sure your lady feels like she can talk to you. Lady parts are highly sensitive and personal preferences are as unique as finger prints; if you don’t encourage your partner to share these details with you (which may feel nitpicky if your ego is in the way), you’ll never fully understand how her body works.

The female sex drive is (often) a slow boil. Men, I suggest you make peace with this fact now. After the initial hump-like-bunnies phase, many women start to feel sexual urges in sync with their hormonal cycle. We’re horny when we’re most fertile, which is a bit of a catch-22 if you aren’t trying to make a baby. The key is to know how to warm your lady up in the in-between times. She may not want to jump your bones on sight, but if you check in with her there are probably many things you could do to heat things up. A few standard ideas: massage, cuddling, kissing, heavy petting, etc.

The flip side: Ladies, your man may sometimes need a reminder that you want him, really want him. Make sure you slow down and lavish your attention on him some of the time, too. It can help to make sure that you proposition him some of the time. Surprise BJs are another option for making your man feel extra happy.

Put your focus on your partner. When either partner is caught up thinking about their own wants and needs, he or she isn’t fully present. The quickest way to get out of your head? Stop thinking about yourself. Put your attention on pleasing your partner and all of a sudden you’ll feel your body light up, too.

The flip side: Don’t focus so much on your partner that you aren’t enjoying what they’re offering. If one of you habitually leads or follows, one way to shake things up is to switch roles and see what happens with a fresh dynamic.

Revel in the beauty along the way. Don’t rush to the big O. As long as time allows, savor every moment with your partner. Remember what it was like seeing them undress the first few times. Remember what it was like to hold each other naked when it was new. Even if you aren’t in the mood to go down memory lane, there are ways to slow down and savor. I once saw an article in a grocery store lady magazine (probably Cosmo or Glamour) that pointed to all the parts of sex that it’s easy to overlook if you’re focused on orgasm: from the moment of penetration to the pleasurable plateau that precedes orgasm—the more your mentality is about absorbing and enjoying the whole experience from start to finish, the more enjoyable it will be.

The flip side: Quickies can be really hot. ;)

A note about gender in this article: this article is written from the perspective of a cis-gender, heterosexual female, since that’s the only perspective from which I can knowingly write. I find the gender binary is useful here in teasing out the differences created by the hormones men and women have in their bodies. That said, I hope these tips will be relatable to anyone anywhere on the gender spectrum.

Photo by Sara Slattery

Photo by Sara Slattery

Home

My Journey to Happy Cohabitation

Leave a comment

Finding the right living situation can feel like an endless Goldilocks and the Three Bears tale—there are a million ways a place can be a bad fit. On the path to my current peaceful shared living arrangement, I landed in a few of those not-so-great spots.      

Living with my Landlord’s Daughter

In my first experience renting a room after moving out of my hometown, one of my two housemates was the landlord’s daughter. My lady housemates were awesome, and I was excited to be living in Oakland, but I attuned to the local housing rates and, as I got to know some folks in town, they let me know my rent was a ripoff. The situation grew tense as I realized what a shoddy deal I was getting. It was time to move. Before too long, I found a much cheaper place just one street over with two bedrooms available. My best friend, who was also looking for a place, jumped on board.

Living with my Best Friend

I scoured the Internet for advice about whether or not moving in with a best friend would work. All the articles advised against it, but we forged ahead with our plans. We were both 22 and single, what could go wrong?

Then, two weeks before our move in date, my best friend met the man of her dreams (they’re now engaged). At our new place, our bedrooms shared two paper-thin walls and she didn’t like staying at his place. A few months down the line, he wound up moving in. This was not what I’d signed up for! It didn’t help that her new boyfriend and I weren’t politically aligned. It didn’t help that the two of them were better friends with our fourth housemate than I was. It didn’t help that I was renting the dinky shoebox sized room, while everyone else had more space. It didn’t help that her two cats bullied my cat so badly I eventually kept her in my room. It took our friendship some time to recover, and that was after the two of them moved out. But things have gotten better! After that, I lived alone—well, sort of.

Living at my Work

My boss, a small business owner, had rented an apartment to use as an office and was planning on renting the bedroom out to someone as a personal office. When I needed to move, she offered it to me. For a year, my housemates were my co-workers. I enjoyed the quiet evenings with the apartment to myself—a hint of the freedom of having my own place. Still, I found myself frequently escaping to my boyfriend’s place in the city. The long evening hours alone, though meditative, felt claustrophobic to me—far too easy to get lost in endless existential omphaloskepsis. The other challenge was the location of the apartment: Telegraph Avenue in Oakland, with a second story street-facing bedroom window. Outside my window there was a bench, a bus stop, and a restaurant that stayed open ‘til 2 am. As much as I love cities, I do not love the noise. And it was heartbreaking to live so intimately close to people living on the streets, some struggling with addiction and mental health issues. It wasn’t a situation I could, or would want to, get used to. After just shy of a year on Telegraph, I let my boss know I was planning to move out.

Living on Couches

My boyfriend and I moved out of our respective rooms thinking we’d move in together, and then decided not to take the plunge quite yet. He wound up moving back home with his parents to figure things out and I wound up searching for the perfect shared living situation, all the while cat sitting and couch surfing. Even though I enjoyed hanging out with peoples’ pets and seeing friends, those four months living out of a suitcase were stressful. It was humbling realizing just how far from being homeless I actually am.

Living in a Home with New Friends

After two and half months of combing Craigslist, synchronicity came to the rescue. A friend of mine from work let me know that a room in the five bedroom house she lived in (dubbed the Harmony Home), would be available in six weeks. I went and looked at the place and I felt like we clicked. I’d never lived with this many people, and the last time I’d lived with a group, it went terribly sour. But by this point I was sick of hopscotching around the Bay: it was time to take a risk.

There are many ways to co-habit, ranging from minimal contact to familial.  In previous shared living situations, we shared space, but we didn’t share a vision for the home. When I see others fully at ease, being themselves, I feel more comfortable. At Harmony Home we all want to live in a low-key, warm, and lively space. I cherish the cooking projects, the many guests, and the challenge of navigating conflict skillfully when it arises. I cherish the richness added by each housemate’s interests, humor, music, and conversation. I feel a part of something bigger than myself and my own bubble. As an added bonus, because there are so many of us we’re able to tackle big projects like planting a garden and setting up a grey water system.

I’m starting to feel at peace with the living situation challenges I’ve dealt with in the past. At Harmony Home, we do run into friction, but we’re all invested enough in co-creating a safe, positive space that we work through our conflicts swiftly. This home, with its all of its house plants, two cats, resident tarantula, and Mother Earth swag everywhere on everything, is where it’s at for me.

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield