All posts by Rachel Acosta

How to be Veronica Mars: Getting Information via the Internet

You don’t have to be a tiny sassy blonde in order to sleuth your life away! All you need is a bunch of search know-how, a little creativity, and some perseverance.

Photo by Sara Slattery

There are many different reasons you might have for needing information about people. You may need to gain knowledge on potential employees, employers, dating prospects, roommates, buyers, sellers, caretakers, that shady friend… Sometimes a little free DIY background check is necessary to prevent yourself from making a huge mistake. It’s so easy to create a false identity by using the Internet, and on the flip side, it’s so easy to be fooled. Here are some of my tricks that I use to find out what I need to know, as well as what you can do to prevent people from finding out the same information about you.

Search Engines

This is obvious, but so many people don’t know how to utilize the full potential of a search engine. The information that you need is out there, it’s just hidden among everyone else’s details. These days, many people share everything on the Internet. They’re just giving it away without a second thought. And to start your search, sometimes all you need is a first name, a significant detail, and a search engine. You can use any major search engine—it’s up to you.

Once you know where to look, use these tips:

1.   Quotes for fine-tuned results: “Donald Draper”

2.   Use the right keywords: location, education, career, first and last names. You can also try searching for their name and location grouped with the activity you suspect: “Donald Draper” + “Rio de Janeiro” + “Starbucks” + “fraud”

3.   Search again on another search engine. Cross-reference and double-check everything for maximum accuracy.

Basic name and contact information can also be found at these people-specific search engines:Pipl,Spokeo,WhitePages (reverse phone look-up comes in handy every single time). Don’t bother signing up for a subscription to these sites, though: you’ll get the basic information you need and you can use that information to search elsewhere (like on a major search engine). With these, you want to look up screen names, email, nicknames and phone numbers. Screen names usually turn up the best results because these are what people use to assume their Internet identity. People also tend to keep the same username across various accounts, so search for the same one across multiple websites. What I also like about these people-specific search engines is that they tell you when there are more online accounts for the person you’re investigating.

Keep this in mind when you are signing up for your own accounts. Use separate email addresses/variations of your own name when signing up for accounts that you wouldn’t want just anybody to find.

Yelp

Know where the person works? Use Yelp. Maybe they’ve been mentioned in a review. Or if their place of work has a website, check it out. Leave no stone unturned. You might find out that your hopeful employer is a real shady character who has a history of treating employees unfairly.

You can’t really prevent someone from using your name when they’re writing a review, so this is a bit tricky to prevent. You can try to limit the exposure of your last name, but this is very dependent on what kind of job/career you have.

Social Media profiles (Facebook, Twitter, Google+,Tumblr, Instagram)

If you have access to a person’s Facebook, don’t just check out their history—click on their friends as well. Genuine interactions with other people are important. Anyone can create a hundred different profiles by using a hundred different email addresses, but it’s harder to fake an actual life. You’re looking for quality profiles! Conversations, details from shared events, responses to tweets, and photos with the people they say they are friends with—these are all good signs. An abundance of photos showing the person actually doing stuff, participating in events, hanging out with friends and such may bring relief, but this can still be faked. These photos could actually have been stolen from another Facebook! Interaction is very important: I cannot emphasize this enough.

If you have incriminating information on your Facebook, try keeping your own profile private and don’t post valuable information about yourself on other people’s walls. I thought I was being super careful by not friending my employers on Facebook, but unfortunately a few of my other coworkers had, so a manager was able to see a comment I made on a coworker’s wall that was not work-appropriate. Very frustrating, since I thought I had all my bases covered.

People

Do you know people? Then use them! Just be subtle. However, you should always keep in mind that all sources are biased, so try to scope out concrete definitive facts. Know the right things to ask (this will vary based on your situation, obviously). Pay attention to all the details. This is where it pays to be a good listener.

Before you go searching, be prepared. Do you actually want to find what you are looking for? It’s important to remember that whatever you find may be inaccurate or attributed to a person with a similar name. The Internet is a big place, and wrong turns happen. I’ve searched for people from my childhood and instead found people that could be them, but in a bizzaro, meth-y world. Take a break and try again later—maybe you overlooked a link.

Even if it is accurate, it may seem worse than it actually is without the benefit of the bigger picture. Keep an open mind: the Internet can’t give you all sides of the story. Also, please don’t do anything creepy. This is defensive investigating, not offensive. Use what you find to protect yourself and not to ruin any lives.

It’s too easy to find out information about people’s lives via the Internet. The same can be said about you. The Internet is NOT a place of privacy. It’s a community made out of glass and everyone can see what you’re doing.

When I Was Catfished

Once upon a time, I was “catfished.” It was an experience that messed me up for a bit, but now I’m pretty glad it happened. “Catfishing” is the act of interacting with another person under a false identity on the Internet. You may have heard of it from the movie that came out back in 2010 or the reality TV series with the same name currently running on MTV (oddly enough, I haven’t seen either). It’s a very obvious process, but as a naive and hopeless romantic, I let myself see what I wanted to see.

I was lonely, and had started talking to strangers in chat rooms. I promise it was innocent chatting! When I first started, I was already in a long-term relationship. But my boyfriend and I had been drifting apart for at least a year, and I think each of us was waiting for the other to say it was over. And, in addition to that excruciating situation, I also hadn’t been keeping up with any of my friends. So the people of the internet became my social outlet: blogs, chat rooms, Tumblr, and message boards.

And then I met “him,” and we just hit it off. It was as if we had been best friends our whole lives. His name was Matthew, and we had stupid mundane things in common, like our enthusiasm for mashed potatoes, an affinity for puns, and our birthdays, which were one day apart. He was way too cute. He was athletic, played at least three instruments, was the lead singer in his band, and was getting over the wounds of an ex who had cheated on him. He was basically a character in an indie rom-com. How could I not fall in love? Five days after I met Matthew online, my then-boyfriend had a party where I proceeded to get sloppy drunk for the first time and realized that I had feelings for this online dude. We broke up the next morning.

Matthew and I would talk for hours on MSN Messenger, and when we weren’t online we were constantly texting. He was like my own personal diary: I could tell him everything and anything. I could be completely real with him! We exchanged many photos of our lives, and this was what abated my concern over his lack of a webcam. At this point, I was still in that initial high and I wasn’t thinking about the plausibility.

As we started getting more romantic, he started getting darker (of course). He would pick fights with me over nothing. If I didn’t respond to texts immediately or if I was out with friends for a night, he assumed that I was out “sluttin’ it up” and cheating on him (and we weren’t even in an official relationship). He would get drunk and hurl hurtful accusations my way, all the while revealing personal stories of abuse and deception. These included stories about how his father abused him and threatened him, how his ex-girlfriend cheated on him, how he was responsible for the death of his best friend, and how he attempted suicide. He would say to me, “No one could ever love me,” and I tried to reason with him that it wasn’t true.

There were so many red flags, I saw them and ignored them. “What if this isn’t a false alarm? How could I abandon him?” I felt I couldn’t live with those what-ifs, so I continued to talk to him. Plus, I thought he understood me, and that felt so rare.

About a month after we met, he had another one of these episodes where I had to talk him down and reassure him that he was deserving of love. He ended the night by telling me that he loved me, and then I didn’t hear from him for three days. Three days of nothing was like a slap in the face after a month of constant conversation. I was extremely worried, given his past threats. I searched the internet for his name, location, and the keyword “death” and was relieved when nothing popped up. Relieved but, at the same time, unsettled. Nothing came up for him, even without adding “death” to the search. His MySpace was just his band’s page, and  even that had only one photo of an indeterminate person and four untitled songs. No bio, and only five “friends” who were just advertisement pages. He had a Facebook, but it was private and offered no helpful information. Googling his email and usernames only ended up with “no results found.” And a reverse look-up of his phone number gave me a name that didn’t match his or any of his immediate family members. So after not hearing from him, I sent him an email and decided que sera, sera (what will be, will be).

Of course, once I let go, I received an IM from him. He said it was hard to explain, but he had OD’d the night we last spoke, and had spent the past couple of days in the hospital under supervision. As a result, his mother cancelled his phone subscription in order to prevent him hanging out with the people from whom he had received the drugs. This added up with what he had been telling me for the past month, so I believed it. But cue the creepy music: this is the part in the horror movie where you don’t understand why the main character has to go deeper into the woods—just turn around and go back home, you darn fool! I decided to not bring up what I had found (or what I hadn’t found) when searching for him. I was more concerned about appearing like a complete creeper than getting direct answers. Maybe I was also a little afraid of finding out the truth as well. And so things continued on, just as dysfunctional and needy as they were before.

Exactly one month later, he drops another bomb on me—he has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and has known about it for the past year. Now, I know this is all bullshit, I KNOW IT. But there’s still that .01% of me that can’t turn my back on him. It could be real. I usually like this quality of mine, this overwhelming need to find the good in everybody, but man, it would be so much easier if it wasn’t there. Anyways, I’m worried sick about him and prepared to do anything he wants in order to help him get through this tough time. But just like last time, I would wake up the next morning and wouldn’t hear from him. This time, the silence lasted for about three months. This time, I was really done. Or at least that’s what I told myself, in between writing him weekly emails. Welp.

When he contacted me again, we pretended like nothing happened. The intensity was also gone. I would try to subtly drop hints that it would be okay if he were to tell me who he really was, that I wouldn’t judge him. He never did. One day, I tried Googling the name that I had found linked to his previous phone number, and I found a family tree blog. The woman had the same birth date as his mother, and the ages of her husband and children matched the ages of Matthew’s family. I Facebooked all of them, and found out that the daughter was basically a male version of Matthew. Her school, major, favorite television shows were all details of his life. She only had one band listed under favorite music, and wouldn’t you know it was just the craziest thing—all of their songs were his band’s songs.

I felt so triumphant that I had finally solved this mystery, and had found what I was looking for. But was I satisfied? I never confronted her about it: I wanted her to be the one to tell me. The one thing that I never got from my search was a “why.” I’m sure this is just me overthinking emotional situations and motivations again, but maybe I gave her the chance to figure herself out. Maybe she wanted to try out being in a relationship with a female, and didn’t have the courage to do it any other way. Maybe we really did connect in that initial meeting, and it snowballed from there. I’ll probably never know. As for me, it gave me the chance to figure myself out. I was unhappy with myself and that led to loneliness, which made it easy for me to be emotionally manipulated. Honestly, I probably needed something stupid like this to happen to me. Now I love who I currently am, the loneliness is gone, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I genuinely hope that she is too.

Photo by Remi Coin

That Time of the Month: Dealing with Your Period

It’s a plague brought unto us at the most awkward of times and lasts throughout most of our adult lives (or at least the arguably attractive portion). For many women, they just started bleeding one day and have continued to do so every month since. So, let’s clear up some confusion about what is happening, why, and how to best deal with it.

Most of us learned about our baby-making machines in adolescent schooling, but here’s just a quick refresher: Every 28 days or so (every woman is different) your uterus will shed the lining (called “endometrium“) that was meant to create a hospitable environment for a fertilized egg. Since the guest of honor didn’t show, it doesn’t need all those party decorations. Your body will go back to homeostasis, and in doing so your hormones will get all out of whack, leading to the oh-so-pleasant changes in water retention (bloating) and mood (PMS). The cramping that you might feel is your uterus contracting in order to expel the endometrium. This whole process can last anywhere from 2 to 7 days, although for most women it’s about 3 to 5.

To prepare yourself beforehand, the most important thing you can to increase your comfort is hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Before and during. A healthy amount of water in your blood works to promote viscous blood flow and hydrates your muscles helping to cut down on breakouts, painful cramps, fatigue, headaches, bloating, and loose bowel movements. Easier and cheaper than any over-the-counter medicine, right?

And, if you’re the type to get mood swings, exercise and a change of scenery will do wonders for your mood. Sadly, milk chocolate won’t help, but dark chocolate might! It contains small amounts of anandamides, which will give you a natural mood enhancement.

In actually dealing with the bloody mess, we have some options:

Pads

The easiest option. They’re easy to insert: just peel and attach. By simply having it down there, you know it’s doing its job. You don’t need to question when it’s time to change, your eyes will tell you all you need to know. There’s also that peace of mind that comes with knowing that there’s nothing foreign in your lady-crevices.

But they definitely come with their share of problems. While you can feel pretty secure with one on, it may lead to itchiness or, if left on too long, a certain smell that might alert others to the state of your vagina. Their comfort factor is reliant on bathroom accessibility, which kind of sucks. And, unless you’re catatonic, these pillows of cotton tend to shift, which can lead to a bit of a mess if you’re not careful. In addition to all that, they’re may not be the best at secrecy: not only does it feel like you’re wearing a diaper, you may look like it too.

If throwing away three pads a day is economically alarming, there’s an eco-friendly option to pads as well! You can either purchase or make your own re-usable cloth pads. I haven’t personally tried this, but I think it sounds like a fantastic option. It’s basically the same idea as reusable diapers, but with menstrual blood instead of feces. That’s about a hundred times less gross! Or about two times less gross—my gross tolerance may be a bit higher than most.

Tampons

My old go-to. They have many benefits over pads: they’re discreet, don’t show through your pants, and when inserted correctly, you can’t feel them. Plus, you can go swimming without fear of leaving a red trail and you can enjoy an active lifestyle without getting a rash! When dealing with your period, they’re the first road to freedom.

We have two options for tampon usage, those with applicators and those without. They’re both very simple, and easy to get the hang of. Insert the fatter end of the applicator into your vagina, grip the neck with your thumb and middle finger, and then press down on the skinny end with your index finger to push the tampon in and then remove the applicator.  Without a pre-packaged applicator, your fingers will act as the applicator. Same idea, except you grip the body of the tampon, and push directly on the string side of it. A little messier, but it has the benefit of more control over how it sits in your body. If you are able to feel the tampon inside of you, then it needs to be pushed deeper. Once you feel comfortable with the position, lightly tug on the string to ensure that it stays in place. If it doesn’t move, congratsyou’re good to go!

However, there are a few downsides: Tampons definitely have a time limit. Depending on your body, or the day of your cycle, this can range from one to eight hours. If you leave it in for too long, you can run the risk of overflow, unpleasant odor, and the most serious of all risks—Toxic Shock Syndrome (cue ominous music). Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) can result in death if it’s not caught early enough, and I think we’d all choose shedding uterine lining over death any day, amiright?

I once read a story about a women who forgot that she had a tampon in, then later had sex. The tampon didn’t come out for a few days. That might be something to keep in mind. Sorry for the nightmares.

Menstrual cups

I am in love with menstrual cups. These silicone vesicles of perfection have changed my life. Not only are the health benefits enormous, but they’re good for the environment too! They cost about $40 and one will last you up to ten years, so you’re no longer spending 10 dollars every month to protect your underthings and your dignity. They have the benefits of freedom that tampons provide, but with a menstrual cup you don’t have the risk of TSS. That’s because you’re not inserting cotton, which can harbor bacteria. The best thing about cups is that you’ll never leak with them and you can safely sleep all night in them! You probably shouldn’t keep them in longer than 16 hours on heavy days before you empty them, though, because that’s a pretty heavy load of blood to be keeping inside your vagina.

However, there’s a learning curve to them. First, make sure it’s right side up. The whole point is that it’s a cup to “catch” your blood. There are two ways to insert it depending on which is more comfortable for you. You can either pinch one side in so that the opening now forms a “C,” or you can punch down one side into the cup itself. Once inside your vagina, let go of the bowl of the cup to let it unfold, and then twist the base of the cup in a full rotation to form a seal of suction. If you hear a kind of popping noise as you twist, you know you’ve done it right. I usually like to pull down on it slightly and check if there’s any resistance. After this, wash your hands and you’re good to go! If you’re like me though, the first few times you use it, you might check yourself every ten minutes out of paranoia.

As for removing it, place your fingers around the bottom of the cup, and gently squeeze while twisting to loosen the suction. If you don’t loosen the suction, it’ll feel weird and you’ll know to stop, I promise. Hold it upright and then dump the contents into the toilet (or if you’re taking a shower, you can dump it down the drain). Rinse the menstrual cup (or wipe it down with toilet paper) before reinserting it to ensure a clean suction. It’s not actually that messy unless you purposefully fling it around or if you’re a complete klutz.

When you’re done with your week of menstruation, wash the cup and then soak it in boiling water for a few minutes. That will sterilize it, and you can then store it until your next period. Warning—you probably should not use if you have an IUD. Upon removal, the suction might pull your IUD strings out and—yikes—that would hurt.

So if you’ve been curious, or your period has been making your life hell, I hope I’ve helped shed some light on some solutions. Happy flowing!

Photo by Sara Slattery