All posts by Nicole Odell

Career, Relationships

I Put a Ring on It in a City of Single Ladies

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I moved to Los Angeles about four years ago. In all that time, LA has proved to be a lot of things. Yes, there are a million blonde white girls who look exactly like me (and it seems like they snapped up all the agents already). Yes, there are images of fitness perfection everywhere and people really love the word “cleanse.” Yes, there’s no such thing as winter, to my great dismay. But most of all, people here care about their careers more than any other city I’ve lived in.

Granted, I haven’t lived very many places, and I have no reason to be surprised. Working in entertainment in LA takes a great deal of focus and drive. But I had no idea the level of scrutiny my own life choices would be subject to.

I had long ago decided that the LA lifestyle wasn’t something I would subscribe to completely. I moved down there with a grain of salt and an escape plan in mind. I wasn’t planning on scrabbling for infomercials or paying hundreds of dollars for “Agent-Meet Workshops”; really, my personal goals were to gain experience doing projects I was interested in and expanding my acting horizons. Because of this level of detachment, I hadn’t thought that the attitude of Los Angeles toward marriage would be any different than that of the rest of the country, where 20-something-year-old women are subject to the questions of their older counterparts: “Who are you dating? When will you settle down? When will you be married?” So, when I became engaged at 23 and set the wedding date for after I turned 25, I didn’t consider it unusual at all and was excited to wear a beautiful ring that would scream the happy news for me without me even having to open my mouth.

But man, the reactions I got! People acted as if I had decided to become a nun. Or join a cult. The ring on my finger became an instant magnet for attention, and not all of it was good.

Let me clarify: those who have known me for a while, and who know my fiancé, or are at least good enough friends with me that they feel as if they know him, didn’t have any comments to offer except “I’m so happy for you! It was only a matter of time!” Instead, it’s those who met me more recently, and who noticed the ring, who had less positive things to say. Things like, “Wait….you’re getting married? How old are you? Oh my god, you’re a baby! How do you even know what you want when you’re so young? What about your career? Do you want children right away? Wait…you don’t want to have children right away?!? Why get married so soon then? What about your career? Why are you settling down? What about your career? What’s the rush? For the love of GOD, what about your CAREER?!? THINK ABOUT YOUR CAREER, WOMAN!”

I was completely unprepared for this onslaught of questions. I got them from new coworkers, new acquaintances, and even had other comedians ask me these questions while I was working… a completely unsolicited barrage of opinions and judgment. I tried not to fall in the trap of explaining my life choices to a stranger, but the more I was exposed to it, the harder it got to not be defensive.

The fact was, I had never really thought about what a marriage would do to my career because I never felt the need to weigh “career vs. relationship.” I wasn’t planning on having children for at least five years. I wasn’t planning on being a stay-at-home wife. My fiancé is an encouraging and supportive partner. I had been in a relationship with this man for six years and was still able to pursue a career. Our relationship, and my love for him, has in no way been a detriment to that end. I’ll admit that if there was no one in my life, I would have been more engrossed in my job, but the situation I was in was what I had been looking for all along: a balance in my life, with love, passions, art, family, and career.

The thing that drove me over the edge was that other women were having the exact opposite problem that I was having. Women who were single, whether to concentrate on their jobs or simply because they hadn’t found the right person yet, were being examined and questioned for not doing the exact thing that I was about to do. Ladies just couldn’t win! I was also baffled that—given that there are so many different family structures and relationship choices in this modern age—there is anybody left to be surprised or seemingly personally offended by my somewhat conventional life choices.

Later, I discovered that one of my coworkers who questioned me so relentlessly was actually unsatisfied with her own relationship status. It made me realize that there’s usually more under the surface when people present their judgment, but I still don’t excuse those people. To me, if someone tells you about their relationship or family status, whether it’s “married with children,” “single mother/father,” “dating around (or sleeping around),” “gay,” “bi,” “straight,” or “polyamorous,” it is insufferably rude to respond with anything other than: “Oh, that’s cool.”

The plus side of all of this is that I have learned to gain some perspective on the whole concept of judgment. I realized that no matter what your choices, no matter how “normal” they might seem, someone somewhere is going to judge you for it. I’ve learned to not give a shit. I’ve resolved to become less judgmental myself. If someone goes on about something that someone else is doing and how “weird” it is, I just shrug my shoulders and say, “Well, if it works for them and it’s not hurting anybody…” Even if I’m uncomfortable with something, it doesn’t give me a pass to be a judgey little meanie about it.

Finally, this thought: Many people have many opinions and thoughts on marriage. I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience, but for me, marriage doesn’t mean a one-way ticket to Stepford wife-ness, nor is it the equivalent of a grave. It is not an excuse to stop growing and learning and exploring. The reason I cringe at the term “settling down” is because I never plan to, no matter what my relationship status. When my fiancé becomes my husband, we will both continue to be ever-changing and ever-expanding human beings. The beautiful part is that we choose to pursue that growth and learn those lessons with another person. My life and marriage will be, in the words of J.M. Barrie, “an awfully big adventure.”

Photo by Michelle White

Photo by Michelle White

Sex

My First Time Was With a Paraplegic

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I was lucky, in many ways, with how my V-card was punched. My mother had a fairly liberal non-shaming outlook when it came to sex, and her only advice was “Find someone who you trust and care about. It’s a big deal.” I took that advice to heart. I also valued honesty, which is why one day I walked into my kitchen to get a snack, looked at my mom, and said thoughtfully, “Hey mom? I don’t think I’m going to wait until I’m married to have sex.” She looked back at me and said, “Oh. Okay.” And I waltzed back into my room with my orange or crackers or whatever snack I had decided the moment warranted.

I’ll call the lucky recipient of my virginity “C.” I met C in high school when I was 16. He was four years older than me. He was funny, cute, fun to be around, and he had his own place… directly next door to his parents. Looking back, there were a lot of problems with the relationship, which really should have been obvious considering that he was 20 and stoked to be dating a 16-year-old.

Of course, none of that was obvious to a high schooler. I felt awesome and sophisticated to be hanging out with this guy and his cool, old friends! But I was fairly well-balanced and had a decent sense of self-esteem. I made it clear to him that I was a virgin and if he was expecting anything from me right away, he was going to be disappointed. To his credit, he took it very well and assured me that he was ok with waiting.

About five months into the relationship, we started having problems. He claimed that he was in love with me. I cared about him, and I wanted it to work, but I hesitated to call it love just yet. There were some other issues as well and I was unsure about him.

Until, one day, I got a call from one of his friends. C had been in a car accident, thrown from the car, and landed on a pipe in the industrial area of our town. He had some severe burns on his stomach and had broken his spinal cord in two places.

According to my mother, the minute she heard this she knew—due to my caretaker tendencies—that he and I were going to be together for a long time after that. Which, to my mom, wasn’t necessarily good news. But she kept her opinions to herself and, after weeks of waiting for him to be able to receive visitors, she gave me a ride to the hospital.

That first visit was fairly traumatizing. His throat had closed due to irritation from the weeks he had been on a breathing tube and they had done a tracheostomy so that he could breathe. Because of the hole in his throat, he couldn’t talk. He could only mouth words. He had skin grafts on his abdomen and scars from the spinal cord operation. Both he and I knew that he would probably never walk again. And on that visit, he asked me to marry him.

What else could I say? I was a scared teenager looking at my boyfriend in a hospital bed, who was waiting for me to answer a question that he couldn’t actually ask, he had to mouth it. So I said yes.

I waited a few weeks to visit him again, until after he got the trach out. Once he did, we talked about the “whole marriage thing” a while more and agreed it would be best to get me a “promise” ring and call it that for the time being. After that, I accompanied him to physical therapy and visited him regularly until he got out, and for a while, sex was a non-issue. He had other things going on with his body to think about.

I found out later that, while he was in the hospital, he attended what was essentially a “Sexuality for the Disabled” seminar, and had learned a lot. He could, indeed, still have sex and enjoy sexual feelings. He told me some of what he learned. I was glad to hear it, but we still hadn’t “gone all the way” yet and I thought we still had a while before we would have to deal with it.

He moved back home, and that’s when the pressure started. Before, when he was able-bodied, he didn’t mind waiting. Now, he felt any resistance from me was an indication of hidden repulsion. While that was untrue, I will admit that having sex now gave me more pause than before because I simply didn’t know how it would work. But, by now, I had very deep feelings for this man. I wanted to show him I cared about him, and that he and I could live and love in a normal way. And I weighed it: did I care for him? Did I trust him? The answer to both was yes. So, one night, about a year after we first started dating, and after I had turned 17, we had sex.

I told him I was ready that night, but just getting things going was an adventure in itself. I had touched him before, but that was all prior to the accident. He was numb from just below the breastbone down. I was very nervous because I wasn’t sure his body would even respond to me. It turns out, in his case, he could achieve an erection fairly easily in response to manual or oral stimulation. He couldn’t feel it, really. He could feel some slight tingling but he couldn’t really pinpoint where. It was a relief and at the same time it made me even more nervous because it meant I would actually be having sex that night, for the very first time. That was the moment where it became real.

I remember we had to do cowgirl position. I remember it didn’t seem to hurt at all. I wasn’t too surprised by this, since I danced and had been using tampons for a while now, but I still expected it to hurt or bleed or something. I had to provide all of the movement, which felt really awkward because I’d never done it before. How does a girl “thrust” when she has nothing to thrust with? I remember it just kind of…stopped, with no actual finish. And I remember I cried. I was only a little embarrassed to cry. He handled it well, and held me close. I had told him many times what a big deal this was to me, so it just felt natural to let the emotions out. I was very confused, because sex with C was so different from anything I had ever heard it or expected it to be, but I felt safe.

We dated for two more years after that. Our sex life progressed through a lot of experimentation. Among my friends, there was always a lot of curiosity about how we had sex. I was always glad to share (and am still) that there are many ways to have a fulfilling sex life in a relationship where one person is disabled. For example, the spot on C’s abdomen directly ABOVE where he stopped having sensation was actually ultra-sensitive. I would drive him crazy (in the good way) by gently running my fingernails over the area. Our options for positions were limited, but it was fun to think of new ones. He was unable to achieve physical orgasm, which is a loss he mourned, but he claimed he had had a “mental” one a couple of times. His erections never lasted very long but they were easily achieved again so it wasn’t a big deal. The sexual experience is going to differ infinitely between different injuries and disabilities. I can only share our own experience.

Our relationship ended on a difficult note, but I still say I’m very lucky with how I began my sexual life. He ultimately wasn’t the right person for me, but I am still very comfortable with how long I waited and the age at which I had sex. I’m glad it was with someone I cared about, and I’m glad it happened under sort of unusual circumstances. It made me more open-minded, more experimental, and since both he and I were, in a way, discovering our new sexuality at the same time, it meant that I was confident enough to figure out what I liked and ask for it, since he was doing the same with me.

I get a lot of raised eyebrows when I say the words, “I lost it to a man in a wheelchair,” but I want people to know that sex is a diverse, multifaceted, and often beautiful thing. I hope after I tell the story, people think about sex through a slightly wider and more colorful lens.

Photo by Remi Coin

Photo by Remi Coin

Health

Remotivation: Jumping Back on the Health Bandwagon

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It’s 11 pm. You stand in front of the open refrigerator, rub your distended belly and wonder what just happened to the fifteen Darth Maul cookies left over from your boyfriend’s “May the Fourth Be With You” Star Wars party. Oh yeah, you just ate them all, despite your determined declaration just last Monday that “It’s time to start fresh!” They somehow found their way into your mouth, and on the fourth day in a row of not working out, too. What bad luck! Evil cookies!

If you have ever tried to begin living a healthy lifestyle, you are probably familiar with one of the two following scenarios. One is to say “Screw it, I’ll start next month” and throw out your entire health plan (so you might as well cram in that last cupcake, too). The other is to spiral into a fit of self-loathing and overcompensation, involving weird cleanses with exotic spices and citrus and two hours every day on the elliptical.

Stop! There is a healthier way! Stop binging or purging (or a combination of both) and follow this easy, healthy method to remotivate yourself in the days immediately following a slip-up. And if you’ve never tried to live a healthy lifestyle for the first time, you can apply these same principles to begin in an appropriate, non-Nicole-Richie way!

That Night

Don’t beat yourself up. You are human, and humans make mistakes. Don’t make yourself throw up (or even try) and don’t continue to binge—you know you’re uncomfortable anyway. Take that food baby to bed and get a good night’s sleep.

And stop doing jumping jacks; it’s just going to give you cramps. You’ll know it’s futile when you have to stop after three of them.

The Next Morning

First of all, I’d like to reiterate last night’s message: don’t beat yourself up. Realize that one day of overeating (or even a couple of days) isn’t going to morph you into Jabba the Hut. That being said, it doesn’t give you a pass to keep screwing up. Those calories count, and so do calories for the rest of that week, and all those extras add up quickly. This is a new day, a day to forgive yourself and start out with fresh determination.

With all of that in mind, start with a healthy breakfast. I know you might still feel kind of bloated and gross from the night before, and eating might be the last thing you want to do, but starting your day with a light but nourishing meal will give you energy, keep your metabolism going, avoid the 3 pm hunger attack, and remind you that food is not of the devil. If you don’t usually eat breakfast, now is a good time to start. Most people think that they will lose weight by cutting calories earlier in the day; however, most people who skip breakfast end up making up those calories later in the day, and often even more than usual because starvation leads to very poor choices later on. Intense hunger pangs tend to make you go for the fastest food option. Keep driving past that McDonald’s, and don’t you dare stop!

Make sure your breakfast includes a lean protein, which will help keep you full, and a complex carbohydrate (any whole grain or fibrous fruit or vegetable), which will slow your digestion, keep you full, and create a slow-release energy that will hold you over ‘til lunchtime. Some great examples are:

  • Nonfat Greek yogurt, with a handful of berries (I use frozen for convenience), a sprinkling of granola, and a drizzle of honey.
  • Two whole grain toaster waffles spread with a tablespoon of peanut butter and sliced banana.
  • Scrambled egg whites with mixed vegetables and a slice of whole wheat toast.

Also, get a workout in! It’ll boost your endorphins, and even a light morning walk will remind you that food is fuel and that calories don’t have to stick if you don’t want them to! Plus, you’ll feel much better and get a self-esteem boost if you tend to be hard on yourself.

The Rest of That Day

There are two things you need to do before the day is over. One is to make a plan for the rest of the week, including your dinners and workouts. The best way to combat a future slip-up is to have a plan and treat it as a non-negotiable appointment. At the same time, keep your expectations realistic. Know thyself, and give yourself goals that you know you can accomplish. For instance, if you work an 80-hour workweek starting at 9 am and you come home exhausted every day, don’t expect to work out after your workday—you’ll never get it done. Instead, plan to suck it up and set your alarm for an hour earlier. Get your workout in before work when you still have a ton of energy, or plan a lunchtime workout. Having your plan in front of you, on paper (or smartphone), will assure you that it’s doable. Look, you have time for it! You scheduled it in: it’s in your schedule right there!

The other task is to get rid of whatever triggered your slip-up in the first place. I know it sucks to throw out food, especially if that food happens to be leftover nachos (they crisp up great in the oven!), but just close your eyes and get it done. In fact, this might be a great time to go through your cupboard and throw out problem foods in general. Giant jar of mayonnaise? Get rid of it. Double-stuff Oreos lurking in your pantry? Bid it farewell. Cooking lard? What are you, crazy? Banish it from thy sight!

This is one I have trouble with. My pantry is pretty well-behaved in general, but if there is leftover brownie cheesecake from a party, my logic says, “Well, I don’t want it to go to waste, but I don’t want it tempting me all week. I’ll just… eat it all now! That way, it won’t be a problem later and I’ll only have been really bad for one day, instead of slightly bad for seven days! Genius!”

What? Don’t raise your eyebrows at me. No one is perfect. Let’s move on.

The Rest of That Week

Stick to your plan. Recognize that treat days are perfectly acceptable within the structure of a healthy lifestyle, but the best way to distribute them is to wait for a treat day (or, preferably, just one treat meal) on a special occasion when you really won’t care, such as a family dinner, birthday party, or holiday. A good way to look at it is the 90/10 rule: eat well 90% of the time, and don’t worry about the other 10%.

Do your research. Find healthy alternatives for cooking methods, ingredients, or your favorite treats. For example, sauté vegetables in chicken broth instead of butter, or replace an after-dinner serving of ice cream or cake with a bowl of sliced apples, sprinkled with cinnamon, oats, and honey heated in the microwave. Voilà, healthy apple crumble. Once you’ve done your research, do your grocery shopping and begin incorporating these substitutes into your diet!

Have a rule for your workouts: never, ever, go more than two days in a row without exercise. Any kind of exercise. If you’re on a trip, find the hotel gym or go jogging. Visiting friends? Go out for a walk or hike, and let them show you the town. If you’re in space, I don’t know… bounce off the walls in zero gravity or something! Just make it a priority to keep active and keep it in the forefront of your mind. With this rule, you will never wake up one morning and realize it’s been two months since you’ve worked out, and you will get a decent number of workouts in per week.

The Rest of your Life

Remember, a healthy lifestyle is just that… a lifestyle. Whatever you plan to do, you have to see yourself doing it for the rest of your life. There is no magic diet that will help you reach your ideal Hugh Jackman/Gwyneth Paltrow proportions, and then let you go back to eating whatever garbage you want without gaining it all back.

This also may mean letting go of some unrealistic expectations. If the only way you’ll ever look like Gwyneth Paltrow (who, honestly, I don’t think is that hot anyway) is by starving yourself, then you aren’t meant to look like Gwyneth Paltrow (who, again… is not that hot). Learn to love your body for what it is! The human body is an extraordinary thing, and can do extraordinary things if you treat it well and let it try. Often, exercise is a doorway to this frame of mind; once you see what your body can do given the chance, you’ll stop punishing it and start taking good care of it.

And finally, I’d like to leave you with this final note on the nature of food. Food can be the best medicine in the world or a slow, agonizing poison, but food is not evil. It isn’t trying to trip you up, and that burger honestly does not have it out for you. There is great joy to be found in our food. Treats can be enjoyed in moderation, but you need to find the balance for yourself. Good, healthy, and nutritious food can have beautiful tastes, textures, and color, and above all, it will nourish and enrich your life and fuel your amazing body. Make the right choices, find the love and richness that can be found through good health, and make that your healthy lifestyle.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it, and I promise you will thank yourself.

remotivation

Food

How to Behave in a Restaurant: A Step-By-Step Guide

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This may seem really basic, but unfortunately, it’s not. While I understand that people in this world are, in general, benevolent souls who want only the best for their fellow beings, during my time as a server I didn’t encounter them that often. A lot of our patrons seemed to have not gotten past lessons such as, “Don’t throw your spaghetti on the floor.” (And some people never even got the hang of that.)

I’ll shed some light on the behind-the-scenes of how a restaurant works. Let’s talk basic etiquette!

Walking In

Hopefully, this restaurant has staffed plenty of hostesses, so you will not be kept one unnecessary second from your plate of linguine alfredo. If not, remember that no one is neglecting you on purpose, and wait patiently. But it’s also perfectly acceptable to ask anyone passing by (politely and graciously) if it would be possible to obtain a table. Even if they are not a host, chances are they’ll be able to seat you or at least send the hostess over.

Being Seated

Most restaurants have a rotation system, where hosts seat guests in rotating server sections so that every waiter serves the same number of tables. This way, one server doesn’t get overwhelmed, leaving the rest with nothing to do, and everyone makes about the same amount of money.

Keep this in mind when you request a different table. If it’s a matter of comfort (because of sunlight, booth size, etc.), then absolutely request a different table. If it’s your 50th anniversary and there’s a romantic window view, they will try to accommodate you (but be patient if they can’t: everyone wants the damn window tables). But if you’re having lunch with a blind date, or coworkers, or anything else where placement isn’t essential, try to be happy with the table you’re given.

Waiting to be Greeted

If a server is well-trained, they will do their best to greet you within a minute or two of you sitting. However, even the best servers get busy sometimes. If it seems like a long wait for your server to approach you, it’s ok to ask another server to send someone over, as long as you are (again) polite and gracious.

When the server (probably breathlessly) arrives and greets you, be nice to the poor wretch. You want to have a good time, right? Don’t ruin what could be a perfectly pleasant dining experience just because you had to wait a couple extra minutes for your precious Arnold Palmer.

Ordering

If you say you’re ready to order, make sure it’s true. Read the menu carefully and know what comes on or with the dish. Speak slowly and clearly so they have a chance to note everything. And if you have a super-duper-special order, don’t be embarrassed; just let the server know before you start ordering so they make enough room to write everything down.

If there’s a special order you want, and they can’t do it, let it go. If it’s really important, go ahead and ask your server to check with the chef. Most restaurant employees are happy to do everything they can for you. Have a backup order ready just in case though, don’t make them stand there for five minutes straight while you go “Ummmmmmmmm…” and the patrons at their six other tables are staring holes into the server’s back.

If you decide to change your order, please oh please track down your server to let them know as soon as possible. It’s ideal to catch them before your order is being made so they can rush to the kitchen and inform them so the cooks don’t get backed up. Plus the server has to run and track down a manager to change the check so you don’t get charged for two entrees. The sooner you let them know, the sooner you’ll get the entrée you really want.

Waiting For Your Food

It’s perfectly ok to ask about the status of your order if it seems like it’s taking a long time. However, keep in mind that 90% of the time when the food takes a while it’s because the kitchen is either backed up or you ordered something well-done. Those things are totally out of the server’s hands, so please don’t blame them. Enjoy your drink. Get another round if you want. Breathe.

Eating

As you eat, you may discover you need paper napkins, more water, ranch dressing, whatever. Try to think of all of them at once. Nothing slows a server down more than a group that needs a new thing every time the server walks by. The more efficient a server can be, the better service they can give you.

For the love of all things holy, don’t snap your fingers to get the server’s attention. Servers are not dogs. “Excuse me,” “sir,” “miss,” or a simple index finger in the air are all preferable to snapping, whistling, or (believe it or not) “sweet cheeks,” “honey,” and “beautiful.” Respect goes a long way toward getting a server to like you, and when a server likes you, it can pay off; they are far more willing to go the extra mile for you if you treat them decently.

Speaking of respect: guys, don’t hit on your waitress. Just don’t do it. If you want to be nice, or funny, or charming, go for it. Hey, who knows, she might like you. Anything can happen. But don’t ask for her number, tell her how sexy she looks in her khakis and baggy company t-shirt, or attempt any lame pickup lines. If you continually behave that way, she’s gonna avoid you like you have fleas. Which you actually might.

One more thing: try not to get too drunk. ‘Nuff said.

When You’re Done

The best way to let a server know you’re finished is to put your napkin or other garbage on the plate. It is certainly not expected, although it can be nice, for you to stack your dishes for your server to pick up (although make sure they won’t topple over).

Ask for the proper number of take home boxes to increase efficiency and avoid box waste. (Note: I once worked for a place that had a policy to not send home any leftover happy-hour food. If a server informs you of a policy like that, please don’t blame the server. They’re not withholding boxes from you on purpose, and often there is nothing they can do.)

Ask for the check as soon as you know you won’t be ordering any more, and don’t expect the server to check up on you like they did when you were ordering or eating. The servers have other tables that actually need service. Pay your check promptly and sign the receipt as soon as you get it: your server may be at the end of their shift and your receipt could be what’s keeping them at work, and you don’t want your receipt to keep them overtime. It’s totally ok to enjoy and linger over your drinks or dessert after you’ve paid the check, but be mindful if it’s really busy, a server’s income depends on getting a table turned quickly.

Tipping

Let me tell you a secret: if you’re a good tipper, you will instantly be forgiven for breaking almost any of the other rules in this article. If you’re a pain in the butt and tip well at the end, you are effectively compensating that server for all the extra work they did to take care of your super-special needs. This is acknowledged and respected. If you become a regular who is also a good tipper and the servers at the establishment know this, chances are that you will be introduced to a whole new level of awesome restaurant experiences.

A 15% tip is generally considered pretty standard. That means that you got everything you needed in a relatively timely fashion, and you pretty much enjoyed everything. If there were a couple of little hiccups that didn’t affect your overall enjoyment of the evening, super-cool people will still tip this much.

A 10% tip used to be considered standard, but no longer. A 10% tip is a bare-minimum tip. Your server was…eh, ok, you never got that extra side of ranch even after reminding your server once, it took them a long time to greet you, but at least you got fed and didn’t get over-charged. A 10% tip should be considered a borderline “punishment” tip.

Anything less than 10% means bad times. Only tip this low if it’s justified. Your server was rude, and your order came out wrong and everyone else was done eating by the time they got you a new one. Everything went badly. If you’re really angry, don’t write a nasty note on the tip slip “to inform the server without getting them in trouble,” because the managers see those slips anyway. Go see the manager. If you’re concerned about disciplinary action, go ahead and let the manager know if you don’t feel it warrants any action and you only want to inform them of your experience; they’ll usually take that into account.

A 20% tip is a good tip. Servers will always be happy they served you if you give this. This is appropriate if you got everything you needed and were happy throughout the whole meal.  Anything over 20% is boss. This is appropriate if the server was freakin’ awesome and you want to let them know “Hey, thanks for being amazing even when it’s so busy. I know you were working really hard. Here’s an extra dollar or two to go buy yourself a….well, something that costs a dollar or two.”

If you can’t afford a decent tip, no matter how good the service, don’t go to a tipping establishment. There’s a magical place (called McDonald’s) where you can go instead.

This segment is longer than the other ones because it’s the most important. Sorry, romantics, but in the restaurant biz, money talks.

On Your Way Out

If you had a great experience, let the manager know. They’ll tell the server, and it’s nice to hear that in a world of complainers. (Hopefully after reading this article, none of you are one of those anymore!)

If you had a bad experience, go ahead and accept any free coupons/comps/etc. the manager may offer you, but do not insist on it. It will seem tacky, and you will probably rub the manager the wrong way and they will be less inclined to help you. Servers I know have had tables make up complaints just to get free food. They’re scam artists: don’t be one.

In General

I have always maintained the belief that there are two kinds of people who go out to eat. The first kind is out to have a good time, so they won’t let the little things get to them. They’ll try to enjoy themselves no matter what, and they are always pleasant and wonderful to serve. Then, there are people who go out to eat in order to feel superior. These people will complain over trifles and use restaurant staff as whipping boys for their frustrated lives.

Which one would you rather be?

restaurantCrop

Photo by Meaghan Morrison