All posts by Lily Henderson

Relationships

Temporarily Losing my Engagement Ring

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So here I am, sobbing in the airport. I hate this for many reasons. See, I’ve just realized that I am not wearing my engagement ring, and I must have run out the door of my hotel room without it. My perfect, vintage, sapphire ring was gone. The one that I picked out with my partner to mark the moment when we decided to throw caution to the wind and get hitched despite a murky and unpredictable future. The ring that followed us through three cross-country moves, two years of long distance, multiple new homes.

I’m trying as hard as I can to stop the flow of tears, because not only am I distraught that I could be so careless as to lose this unbelievably important symbol in my life, I am angry at how frantic I look to strangers. How they can see I’m falling apart, how they will judge this enormous character flaw, and how I am the dumb girl who lost something so important.

Sitting in the bathroom, holding my breath so that other people can’t hear my crying, I give myself a silent pep talk. “Come on, Lily. Get your shit together. There are things you need to do before you get on that plane to increase your chances of finding that ring.” I squeeze my fists tightly and take three deep breaths, using my anger to push down the sadness and regret and dizzying irresponsibility so I can call the hotel.

I was passed from staff member to staff member, as the hotel struggled to help me deal with the situation. My voice cracks and theirs soften. “Oh honey, where were you in the hotel? Where can we check for you?” I am so thankful for their kindness, and so embarrassed at my carelessness. I call my roommate from the conference, and ask her to check around the room, see if she sees the glint of metal. I am angry for inconveniencing her this morning. She comforts me, “We’ll find it.” I call the cab driver who took me to the airport—nothing. I call and call and call, no result after no result. I am shaking, my eyes are rimmed with tears, my voice is far from steady, and I feel like people are watching me. Watching me fall apart.

I call my mom and she gives me suggestions for where else to look and how to calm down. She is so zen in situations like this. She suggests sitting and breathing because, now that I’m past security, there isn’t much else for me to do but wait to see if any one of my taskforce will find it.

On the plane, I am thankfully seated in a row by myself, and now that I am not allowed to make any calls, the weight starts to really sink in and I totally lose control. Because it’s a short flight, I don’t have to interact with flight attendants or other passengers, so I completely lose my composure and just cry and cry and cry, wishing that I had been more careful, angry that I had to inconvenience so many people, upset because I am never this way.

I reach into my pocket for a tissue—and there it is. In my pocket! Who is this crazy person, who not only could lose it in the first place, but the usually cool-headed Lily Henderson could forget to check her own pocket?! We land and I call the hotel to let them know that I’ve found it, and am hit with a warm wave of relief and joy as it comes through the phone. I was completely unprepared for these strangers to react with such kindness—not only at the ring being lost, but to celebrate with me once it was found. Humanity is inspiring, folks. The same thing happens when I text my conference roommate—pure joy that the dilemma is solved. I don’t know what I was expecting—contempt, maybe? But it turns out that everyone I asked not only took time to help me, but continued to show compassion once my situation had been righted. Even though they all had better things to do.

For me, this was an exhausting but effective lesson in human kindness and in letting myself off the hook. I am a known perfectionist and have an extremely hard time asking for help because I don’t want to inconvenience people, and I don’t want to look like I don’t care. What an enlightening situation where I not only was forced to ask for help fixing my mistake, but I also found that even when I was totally inconveniencing others and making a fool out of myself, both my friends and strangers took care of me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed. And in the end, everything worked out.

This made me really reconsider how I structure my thinking around mistakes. When I do something utterly stupid (and everyone does, right? Right?), what if I have the opportunity to choose between digging myself into a shame spiral of regret and anger while furiously fixing the problem alone, or reaching out to a caring community? Why would I ever pick the first? Yes, I risk being seen as dumb, but isn’t it better to be seen as human and then able to see other people’s love?

So, thank you, universe, for the strange, painful, effective and ultimately low-risk opportunity to learn about letting yourself be seen. Because there are people who might surprise you with their kindness, and I don’t want to miss out on knowing them.

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Health

Being Busy and Taking Care of Yourself

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My first semester of grad school was really awful, and it was mostly my fault. I was taking classes in DC, and working and living on a university campus in Baltimore. I got up early and started work immediately. I would dive into my job and not look up until it was time to head to class. It was an hour each way, and a particularly arduous commute. Classes were long and I had little chance to transition between one task to the next. At home, I’d only face another avalanche of work, and then realize that I was starving. In my infinite wisdom, and more often than I would like to admit, I would grab a candy bar from the vending machine below my apartment and keep going. In the zingy sugar glow, I would work until I couldn’t anymore, and then at some point late in the evening, I would collapse, fully clothed, into bed. I felt like I was drowning. Please, please, please don’t do this.

Clearly, this was not a sustainable model. During the winter break after my first semester, I faced the fact that I had to make some changes. Today, I’m still not an expert at making sure that I am taking care of myself, but there are a few key things I’ve found necessary to avoid completely burning out.

Body

When I’m busy, I can get in this weird mindset where I convince myself its okay to put my physical self last. I have to consciously work to reframe taking care of my body as not being selfish or as putting off “real work,” but rather as taking care of the equipment I need to get the work done. If my brain doesn’t function well, I can’t write, read, respond to emails, or help others. If I think of it that way, it’s easier to justify treating myself with kindness and compassion.

  • Physical exercise. I do yoga, I dance, I run, I sometimes swim when I get super motivated, but no matter what I do something intense, regularly.
  • Enough and consistent sleep. Lots of studies will tell you about why this is important, but seriously, it is so important. I just remind myself that sleep deprivation actually kills people [trigger warning: violence, animal studies]. Work with your chronotype, because it actually makes a difference to your happiness: if you are a late riser, don’t force yourself up every day, or if you’re an early riser like me, go to bed early enough. As would be expected, there’s an app (or two hundred) for that.
  • No sugar (or whatever is your escape drug of choice). Personal but huge for me. What do you do that makes things short term better but long term worse? Is it caffeine? Alcohol? Other drugs? Not-so-wonderful relationships? I am super sensitive to sweet things. The sugar high only gets me so far, and when its over I’m just moody, groggy, fat, and nothing about my situation has changed. Treat yourself, but not with things that harm you.

Mind

There are definitely good ways and bad ways to approach what you have to get done. The following are the things that I need in order to not feel like I’m being crushed when my to-do list expands. This may not seem like self-care, but really, what could be more caring than respecting your own time and worth?

  • Have a plan. Let me tell you about the Planner Pad. I geek out about it on the regular because it is so perfect for when you are busy. It has space to divide your tasks by category or type, then a section for daily lists, and lastly a section for appointments during each day. When I can look at a single page and get a snapshot of what is going on for the entire week, I do not feel buried. I also take a few minutes at the beginning of each day to figure out what my priorities are. I do the same at the beginning of the week, month, and quarter. I think about my goals and my progress and adjust accordingly. Having that time set aside means that I consistently update my plan and can handle curve balls with way more grace.
  • Pomodoros! It may be geeky to keep a timer running in the background of your computer, but it keeps me from burning out. I love the Pomodoro Technique mostly because of the five minute breaks—just enough time to watch a music video or send a text or two to a friend, and keep myself from fizzling during a marathon work sesh.
  • Know when you’ve done enough. What is the bare minimum you need to get done during the day to keep on track? Once I’ve passed this line, I congratulate myself, and decide whether or not I need to keep going. Thinking of working more as a bonus round keeps me from getting caught in the never-ending to-do list.
  • Change what you can change. In my second year of my grad program, I got a different job without a commute and life got significantly better. I think overall it freed up another twelve hours per week to get other things done. Twelve whole hours. It was unreal.
  • Write yourself a mission statement: Why are you doing what you do? Sometimes when I felt my worst, I would stand in the shower and pretend I was in a job interview. The (imaginary) person across the (imaginary) table would say, “Why are you in grad school?” I would have three minutes to explain, out loud to myself, exactly why I was studying what I studied. This distilled my purpose, and cemented my desire to get things done. If I couldn’t say why I was doing something, then I knew it was probably time to figure out how to not do it anymore.

Spirit

Remember to take care of the other aspects of your being.

  • Schedule time for yourself. Again, you are just taking care of the equipment that you need to get the job done. It’s like putting gas in your car. I save this time for reading and sewing and not working on my to-do list.  I put this right in my calendar, because I am a geek and otherwise I wouldn’t do it.
  • Have a support network. Who can you call to get away? Who can you call if you’ve got to cry? Who always finds the best parties/concerts/adventures? To whom can you speak your biggest fears out loud, and know that they will have your back? These people are magic and I keep mine on speed dial. If this is a professional, like a therapist or a mentor at work, even better.
  • Don’t let the important things drop. My biggest regret from the busiest time in my life so far was not being part of a choir. This was the first time since 4th grade that I was not part of some sort of singing ensemble, and I could feel it. I would have been way happier if I had taken the couple hours a week or month to join some sort of group.
  • Remind yourself of your power. Chances are, if you are doing a lot now, you probably did a lot to get to where you are. I have a good friend will simply reread his resume whenever he feels like he’s not doing enough. “Hah!” he tells the universe, “You think I can’t conquer this? Look at everything I’ve conquered in the past!”

When I’m at my busiest but make sure to take care of myself, I have this wonderful, bare bones, stripped down feeling. Treating myself kindly feels like flying. I am doing exactly what needs to get done, working at my most efficient, and making steady progress towards my goals. The days go quickly, and I can think and work hard. I love having a lot going on, but if I’m not treating myself with care, I can’t enjoy it.

Want more suggestions? Peruse these 55 gentle ways to take care of yourself.

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Style

Graduating from Jeans

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I am fairly certain that in every single photo of me from age 8 to age 22, I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt. (Except for maybe my prom pictures…maybe.) I always wore 100% denim flare jeans, since I had some strange vendetta against stretch denim—which I’ve since learned is, in fact, forgiving and magical when done right, but that’s another article. The t-shirts were fairly uniform, I was a fan of the “girl-cut”—despite the ridiculous name for this style—with cap sleeves and slim silhouettes. Maybe they were band t-shirts, or maybe they were surf company shirts, or maybe they were just solid colors. It mattered very little to me. I would don a hoodie if it was chilly (I grew up in a place without recognizable seasons). And lastly, I wore low top Chuck Taylors until the soles wore through, at which time I would replace them with an identical pair.

I didn’t follow fashion or really try at what I was wearing, beyond not wearing black with brown or navy blue with black. This was my formula, it worked for me. That was until I realized that I would have to step it up when I entered the professional world. I quickly found myself lost without the comfort-blanket of my old “uniform.”

I over corrected. At first, I tried to wear skirts, ruffle-blouses, little blazers, and heels every day. This was exhausting and frustrating. The only way I could make this work was to lay out outfits for the entire week on Sunday night, accessories and all. I quickly got bored and ended up wearing the exact same outfits week after week. But the bigger issue was that it was just uncomfortable. I felt like a fake, like I was raiding my mom’s closet. You know those photos of little girls flopping around in their mom’s heels? That’s how I felt. Instead of focusing on my work, I was preoccupied with my clothing. So, after careful observation of what folks in my office wore, I revamped. I am now much closer to my original M.O., but am still “office appropriate.”

Here is my uniform for my business casual office:

1) Plain Top: There are about as many different dress tops as there are stars in the sky, but there are a few things I am not flexible about: I need my tops to be a solid color, washable, with some subtle but elevating detail, and a flattering shape that can be worn under a cardigan. The top that fits these requirements for me is from Banana Republic. It is cotton, with a tiny little satin ribbon around the neckline, and it is a super flattering shape. I have it in like 8 colors, so I don’t always end up wearing the white on Monday, black on Tuesday, etc. It is extremely comfortable and I don’t have to buy a new thing every season. Plus, and this is really the biggest thing, they’re not dry-clean only, so I don’t accidentally destroy all of my shirts when I forget to check the care tags yet again on laundry day!

2) Cardigan / Jersey Blazer: Again, almost all the same requirements as above (especially the washable part), but if there is a pattern or a more striking detail, that’s fine by me. Cardigans are great because they are super comfy and versatile. Jersey Blazers, a blazer made from jersey or another stretch fabric but with the same tailoring details, is amazing because they look even more professional but they are extremely comfortable. And have pockets. My aim here is to be able to mix and match so that I have the maximum number of outfits with the minimum number of potential opportunities to walk out the door looking like I got dressed in the dark.

3) Chunky / Splashy Necklace: This is my not-so-secret weapon to make an otherwise casual outfit feel much more formal or interesting. The bigger or more interesting the necklace, pin or fascinator (why not?), the less likely someone else is to notice that this is my regular Tuesday shirt.  My go-to spots for cheap but fun costume jewelry are Forever 21, the Anthropologie sale rack, Claire’s and Target.

4) Pants: This is the trickiest part for me, since jeans are my favorite thing to wear (though yoga pants might be edging them out). I wish I could wear jeans every day to work. But since I can’t, the only thing that works for me is to make friends with someone who works at Nordstrom, Macy’s, Ann Taylor Loft or Banana Republic. When I talk about what I want with the experts at these stores, my focus is always on comfort and versatility. Yes, they are more expensive than some of the other options, but I can get away with only a few pairs, instead of a million from H&M that wear out instantly. I have a pair of extremely plain slacks in black, dark grey, navy blue and brown. My bases are completely covered. And since they are so basic, I feel no remorse whatsoever about wearing them more than once in a week (after doing laundry, of course).

5) Finally, ballet flats: These are my favorite things in the entire world. I like knowing that if I need to run, I can, but I will still look good while doing it. Plus, I won’t end up with an aching back or side eye from a supervisor. Perfect black ballet flats (simple, plain, comfortable, not matronly, and not exceedingly expensive) are a little bit of a unicorn sometimes, but it’s worth looking for the perfect pair and wearing them until they’re totally done because they go with virtually everything.

My workplace is pretty consistently business casual, so while I still hate dressing up every day, at least I know it could be worse. Whenever I get a little bored with my wardrobe, I search for inspiration from people who actually enjoy getting put together and who do it well. Check out Broke-in-Boots’s Instagram, Jennylee always has a killer outfit. You can also always search the hashtags #fashiondiaries or #instafashion, #workflow, #ootd, #outfitoftheday, or #workchic on Instagram for inspiration.

But I’d also love to know your go-to formulas for werkin’ it at work—even when you’d rather not?

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Career

Taking Your Workspace From Bleak to Chic on the Cheap

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Due to office reorganizations and cross-country moves, I’ve worked in seven different office spaces in the past four years. None of them had similar layouts or color schemes, and all of them had different sets of supplies. Through these moves, I’ve put together a few strategies to add a little personalization to a space that is built to be one-size-fits-all.

Personalizing my office has some serious benefits for me: I stay more committed to the job because I feel at home in the space. I am happier to be at work because I am surrounded by things that make me happy. People who come to my office get much more of a sense of my personality and probably remember me better, because I make my space bright, cheery, and inviting. Also, I am way more motivated to keep my desk clean when it is cute and cheery, rather than covered in piles of paper. I even dust when I feel a little ownership over my space.

For my current office, I took on a few simple projects that made a big impact on my space. My hope was to infuse some color, happiness and whimsy into the area that I look at for eight hours a day—but I wanted to keep things simple so that I didn’t use too much work time setting it up. Most importantly, I am a university advisor, and sensitive issues often come up when I am meeting with students. I always want my space to be as inviting as possible. I want people who come in my office to feel like they know me, at least a little, from the moment they sit down.

Before

Before

After

After

My before picture is blank, uninviting, uninspiring, and cluttered.

The after is much better. Glitter! Pink! Gold! Coordinated! Neat! More functional! Common theme! I actually enjoy working in my space more because it is so bright and fun. The office is still beige, and I can’t swap the furniture, but it feels great to have things be a little more personal.

Going through these projects, there were a few things that stood out to me as being really important to avoid frustration. First, choose a color scheme early. If I were really smart I would’ve used my school’s colors, but instead I just chose colors that I really like (side note, does glitter count as a color?). Second, make sure everything is temporary. I can rip all the washi tape off cords super easily, so if anyone gets a bee in their bonnet, I can take it all off. Third, make sure to stretch your materials: this will keep costs down, and is an easy way to keep things looking coordinated.

If there are any aspects of your office that actively bother you, change those first. For me, it was the stupid butterfly mouse pad left by the last person to use my office. Not only did it make me look like one of those women who is obsessed with butterflies, but it was also covered with ballpoint pen doodles, which I felt made me look unprofessional and sloppy. When I ditched that stupidity for my DIY, subtle, and in-theme mouse pad, I felt about a million times better. It might be superficial, but I no longer felt like I was projecting cat-lady whenever I met with someone.

Most importantly, consider both form and function. The washi tape on my cords is all about cord management, so that I don’t have a tangle of black cords on my desk. It was a huge plus that they came out so cute! If you don’t use a calendar, don’t hang one up. If you hate getting glitter all over everything, I suggest you choose materials accordingly. It’s worth noting that I hung glitter wrapping paper on my corkboard behind my monitors ten days ago, and I am still finding glitter in my purse, on my clothes, and sometimes in my hair. This doesn’t bother me, but it might bother you.

Don’t forget that implementation is critical. You definitely don’t want to spend a bunch of time at the office making these things, because then your boss might see you as less committed, rather than more. On the other hand, you don’t want to look like you are stealing office supplies, so you have to be a little strategic about how you prepare for your upgrades. I made the mason jar, bunting and mouse pad at home, and then spread the washi tape application and paper gem making over three or four lunch breaks. For the glitter background, I stayed about ten minutes late to take everything down from my corkboard, and the next day came in about 15 minutes early to hang the backing and put back my papers.

Here is the breakdown of what I did in my office, with links to tutorials:

Before and After

Before and After

I swapped the supply tower for a glitter pen jar, because I never use those supplies and that tower was just ugly. I covered my tape dispenser and stapler in washi tape, added a new calendar, took all the info off sticky notes and put it on cute stationary, and a hung glitter wrapping paper on my corkboard for a seriously sparkly background.

I controlled my cords, and added a little pop

I controlled my cords, and added a little pop

No more cat lady mouse pad!

No more cat lady mouse pad!

Hung some adorable glitter bunting and created a Paper Gem Garden.

Hung some adorable glitter bunting and created a Paper Gem Garden.

All in all, this cost me $35. Here is the budget breakdown (any repeated or free item marked with an asterisk):

Project Supply Source Cost
Bunting Glitter Wrapping Paper Michaels $3.00
Mod Podge Michaels $3.00 for a small bottle
2 File Folders * *
Ribbon Michaels $1.00 for 20 yds
Corkboard Background Glitter Wrapping Paper * *
Staples * *
Calendar Pre-made Target $1.50
Paper Gems Printer Paper * *
Mod Podge * *
Washi Tape Cords, Supplies Washi Tape, Three Rolls Target $9.00
Glitter Mason Jar Mason Jar Target $2.00
Modge Podge * *
Glitter Michaels $2.00
Washi Tape * *
Mousepad Basic Mousepad Target $1.50
Leather Piece Michaels $6.00
Mod Podge * *
Gold Paint Pen Target $1.00
Paper Pad Pre-made Local Stationary Store $5.00
TOTAL $35.00

 

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

DIY, Home

The Gospel of Removable Wallpaper

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I don’t want to spend more energy than I really need to decorate my current apartment. I want a well-curated space, but at the moment I’m not entirely sure that I have the energy or cash to put that together. While the lease on my apartment does permit me to paint, I am loathe at this point to start a project that will require things like primers and sanding and taping and testing various colors at different times of the day. I want a maximal change with minimal effort. This brings me to removable wallpaper.

Before

Before

After

After

Removable wallpaper is one of my favorite ways to change a space because it is so versatile and so low risk. You peel off a backing and then stick it to the wall. Press out all the air bubbles, maybe trim around the edges, and you’re all set. Change your mind? Peel it down. Done and done. Removable wallpaper can be used on walls, of course, but also all over your house. Cover a refrigerator or other appliances, line the backs of shelves, refinish a blah tabletop (such as IKEA’s LACK series), spice up the inside of a tray for serving guests, even create the appearance of a grand and stately headboard. All completely possible and so easy.

So far, I’ve redone the backsplash and refrigerator in my kitchen and one wall in my apartment, and were it not for my spouse saying he’s done with patterns, I’d be covering all the rest of the flat, smooth surfaces in our apartment with bright, cheerful colors and designs. The kitchen took all of forty five minutes to get done, and the trickiest part was matching the pattern repeat.

While, at first glance, removable wallpaper may look like the more expensive option, I’ve found that after you buy all the supplies to paint walls or hang art (tarps, brushes, pans, rollers, sandpaper, painters tape, primers, and multiple buckets of paint; or frames, mats, and custom fitting), the total cost is much lower. In total, I spent about $100—shipping included. Not to mention, you won’t ruin your favorite jeans when you think to yourself “Ah, but I’ll be so careful!” The only cost is the paper itself. It is also completely possible to make temporary wallpaper yourself with contact paper.

Before

Before

After

After

Don’t know where to start?

Check out the whole host of resources available online about where to buy and what to do with temporary wallpaper:

Removable wall paper can be bought at:

Feeling crazy? Try starching fabric to the wall. (I haven’t tried this, so don’t blame me if it pulls all the paint off your walls…)

And I’m not the only one who is totally into removable wallpaper! Read more on Oh Happy Day and Apartment Therapy.

Enjoy!

Enjoy!

Career

Defending a Liberal Arts Degree

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A few years ago, I was at a party for my mom’s work. I was chatting with one of her coworkers when my recent graduation came up.

Photo by Michael Cox

“Well, what did you major in?” her coworker asked.

“Linguistics!” I said, perky as can be, proud of my hard work.

“What will you be doing with that? Waitressing?”

What a jerk, right? Apparently not. I soon learned this soul-crushing kind of snark is pretty widespread: a classmate of mine once had someone turn to him shortly after graduation and say, “Know how to get an English major off your doorstep? Pay him for your pizza.” Ugh, makes my heart sink.

There exists a fairly common belief, for some reason, that a humanities or liberal arts degree can’t get you anywhere. People often struggle to defend the degree. Many say that it’s worth it because the humanities are “mostly about finding yourself.” However, in my opinion, “finding yourself” is a tough justification for that insanely expensive college tuition. If you really want to find yourself, you can travel, join WWOOF (Willing Workers on Organic Farms), volunteer, or really do anything that allows you to interact with a wide range of different people. You’ll still be faced with situations that force you to grow emotionally and cognitively. However, if you want the added bonus of concrete skills and the college education to attract top-tier employers, a humanities or liberal arts degree could be a better fit: the advantages are worth the expense and time commitment of college. I currently work at a large, urban public institution, encouraging students to consider Linguistics, English and Philosophy as beneficial, lucrative areas of study, and these are the reasons I give them when they ask if it’s really worth it.

In the vast majority of classes one can take as a liberal arts major, there are several key questions that are constantly asked:

  • “Why does this matter?”
  • “Is this truth?”
  • “How does this actually work?”
  • “What are the layers of meaning?”
  • “What is this consciously trying to tell us, and what does it tell us unintentionally?”

Getting into the habit of asking those questions can make you a really valuable asset in any job because you have the ability to suss out how to prioritize, how you fit into an organization, and ways you can use your role to improve processes and relationships. Following through with the answers will make you a more efficient and impressive worker. Asking these questions before you’re asked to do so is super valuable. You then make intentional choices about how you want to interact with the world, and you understand how your choices affect not only yourself, but also the people around you.

In order to succeed in the humanities, the papers I wrote—and I wrote a lot of papers—were not about reporting the facts but about convincing the reader that my point of view held water. This means I had to learn to carefully gather my information, and present it in a coherent and digestible way. You will need to do this in every job you have: being able to do it well will impress your supervisors, but more importantly, it will make it easier for you to articulate what you want to do. As a result, you can achieve your goals more easily.

Because a liberal arts degree requires you to learn about a wide range of topics, you will likely end up being well-versed in a lot of different areas. This makes you an asset because you can connect with a wide range of people, you can speak articulately about a lot of different things, and (most of all) you can easily learn about things that you don’t already know about. If you need to build a new skill for work, the tools to do so are already in place! Learning how to learn is an oft-used catchphrase for liberal arts, but it’s the real deal.

College is about your ability to make more money and do more challenging or interesting things over the course of your life, not in the first job you get. Yes, it may be harder to find your first job if you major in the humanities (unless you use your career center at school, which alumni are also able to use for free and network like hell), but over the course of your life, you are in a better position to make interesting career choices and are more likely to continue on to graduate education.  You have the training to think critically about what you want and the contribution you are making to the world. Many of the critics who say that humanities majors can’t find jobs are flawed because they only look at data from students’ first jobs, not at the arc of their career. When longitudinal studies are done, it’s clear that liberal arts and humanities majors have more varied career paths, and make the same amount of money as or more than business and STEM majors 15 years out from their degree. In fact, a huge amount of the talk in the media about the struggling humanities is due to the fact that it is incredibly difficult to measure the success of anyone, let alone people who studied a particular field. There are too many variables, and not enough data, to even do things like measure the change in enrollments of a field. So, then, take the hysteria around how “no one can make it” with a pretty serious grain of salt.

Most likely, if you studied something in the humanities or liberal arts, you did it because you loved it. Goodness knows, it wasn’t because you wanted to come up with snide and snappy answers to “Why would you care about that?” When you have a genuine desire to learn, you pore through more books, ask more questions, are more likely to be BFFs with your profs, and ultimately, get more out of your studies. All the skills you acquired are magnified because you were honing them in an environment that brought you joy.

It’s important to think about your humanities degree as a springboard for the rest of your life. So boo to all the naysayers. If you love the humanities, they are worthwhile to study. Whether you dug deep in your early modern literary studies, investigating gender portrayals in botanical novels or, like me, you spent your undergrad career looking at miniscule acoustic differences in vowel systems and their development, flaunt it. It was, is and always will be worth it.

Relationships

Long Distance Sucks: How to Make it Suck Less

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For two years, my partner and I lived across the country, on opposite coasts. It was totally worth it, because he’s awesome, but the situation was awful. There are really no two ways about it. I constantly felt like I was reevaluating my decision to leave the city we both lived in for a really fantastic career opportunity, making me wonder if I was ungrateful. Or I would listlessly watch airline prices go up and down. All in all, it was a super fun set of emotions.

Here are a few of the things that worked for me to make things suck a little less:

Know your tools: The Internet makes life a lot better. For example, just seeing a familiar person’s face on a screen can boost your mood automatically. And if it’s your partner’s face—even better! Skype, Google Calendar, FaceTime, Google Hangouts, AIM, Tinychat, Instagram, Snapchat: all of these are ways to informally and quickly stay in touch via the Internet. Relationships are not all about two hour heart-to-hearts. While those are great, I need to feel like my daily quota of small cutesy interactions is being filled. These apps/programs/services work super well for this. A good friend who is currently in a long distance relationship recommends the app Couple, which allows you to text, play games, make pictures, and “finger kiss”—a little cheesy, yes, but what isn’t?

Know when the long distance will end: But don’t necessarily keep a countdown on your phone if it’s more than a couple months, mmk? No need to remind yourself that there are 682 days ‘till you can live in the same time zone. However, knowing that there was a stop date sometime in the future made it so I didn’t slip into ennui.

Know when you’ll see them next: This is a good one to keep as a countdown on your phone, if you are able to visit during your time apart. My partner and I would always try to book tickets for our next trip when we were physically together so that there was never any “I don’t know when I’ll see you next” time. This wasn’t always possible, but was incredibly helpful when we could manage it.

Know your limits: Mine, for whatever reason, is 30 days. Exactly, like clockwork. After that, I better go to Costco for tissues. There is just something about passing that thirty-day mark where things get really tricky. This doesn’t mean that I bought plane tickets every month (because, damn, flights from DC to SF can be expensive), but I knew that I would need more support from my partner and my friends after the thirty-day mark. In fact, we typically saw each other about every three months, so I knew to make friend dates and phone catch-up nights more regularly during months two and three of apart-time. I learned to actively seek out support before things got hard. Speaking of…

Know your support network: Who can you call when you are at wits’ end about this stupid decision and stupid world that makes life stupid and hard who won’t say “Well, you chose to do long distance”? Hearing that when you are at rock bottom will only show you that there are actually a couple more special levels of hell you have yet to explore. Make a list of people who support you well (newsflash, not all friends are equally supportive) and tape it to your fridge so you don’t have to think hard when you already are feeling totally ragged.

Know your schedule: Worst for me was not knowing when I would talk to my S.O. next. Even if it’s only a 10 minute chat, knowing I got ten minutes of phone time at 7pm on Tuesdays was really comforting to me! Google Calendar is great for this. Try to work the time difference to your advantage, if there is one. Is there any chance your lunch break is while they are eating breakfast? Or your break between classes is when they are driving home from work? It’s definitely worth exploring to find the parts of your schedule that make for easy touch-base times. Share your calendars and give your partner permission to make changes to events. Maybe it’s me, but I always loved having a meeting with my partner pop up unexpectedly on my schedule.

Know what you need: Have really open and clear conversations about what you need in order to make it work. Does that mean you need them to respond to your texts within at least an hour or two? Fine. Does that mean you need to watch a movie together over Skype every two weeks? Talk it out. Daily mix tapes expressing your general mood? Okay, if you’ve got that kinda time, it’s definitely worth throwing the suggestion out there. Not every request needs to be honored, but it does need to be discussed.

Know what happens next: Do you move in together when you are back in the same place? Are you considering marriage? These are huge questions, I know, but they’re totally reasonable. Long distance is work, and I personally think that if you’re going to do it, it shouldn’t be just because you don’t feel like breaking up. This does not mean you have to walk out the door engaged or anything. But it’s good to know you are on the same page, whether the agreement is that you both think this might be a good marriage someday (if you decide marriage is a thing you both want to do), or just that the goal is that you will live within 10 miles in 5 years. Coming back and having the relationship fall apart because there was no discussion about where things were going is totally common, and can make you feel like you wasted a lot of time not hooking up with all the new available people in the place where you moved (you know, if that’s your jam).

Know that when you’re together, it may not be a bed of roses: I would beat myself up when I would hit a rough patch with my partner when he was in town, because ugh this is the only time I get to see him! Which led to this strange anger/shame/frustration spiral that inevitably ended with me lying on the floor sobbing and him just beyond confused. You are in a real relationship, and putting on a perfect face for the weekend/week/month they are around just doesn’t work. Yes, you should work hard to fully enjoy the time together, but allow yourself to be a human being with complex emotions. You’ll feel more whole, and be able to work through the issues more quickly if you aren’t also dealing with feeling like a failure for being upset.

Bottom line, there is no cure-all for being in different cities, states, countries or continents (besides moving to the same place), but there are definitely ways to make it less painful.

Any other tips and tricks? Leave a comment below to share your experiences and successes!

Photo by Sara Slattery

Health

Recognizing and Helping Depression

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In thinking about writing this post, there were a lot of angles I considered coming from. Do I talk about how, in my work at a university, I frequently see students who are buried under the weight of this nebulous and frightening disease? Do I talk about family members or partners or friends or other loved ones whom I have been able to help or, in some terrible cases, not been able to help? What I hope my internal editorial struggle conveys is that depression is incredibly common. According to the CDC, about 1 in 10 adults report experiencing depression in their lifetimes. The number is even higher for young adults.

Seeing a friend, family member or loved one who might be depressed can be scary and overwhelming. But depression is both recognizable and treatable. This should bolster you, knowing that if you can catch depression in yourself or recognize it in a good friend or loved one, you can go a long way toward making someone’s life better.

Depression and other mental health issues are still incredibly stigmatized in the U.S., and so it’s important to remember a few things: people are never, ever at fault for their mental health problems, and treating them like they are only alienates them and makes it harder to help them. Second, you will probably not get a bouquet of roses from someone you are helping, but that does not mean you didn’t make a difference.

Below are some basic signs that you or a loved one might be depressed. Keep in mind that depression is complex, that this is not an exhaustive list, and that this is not in order of importance. It is a good place to start, however, if you are feeling concerned. Here are some common aspects of depression:

  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism—like nothing will ever get better.
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness—like nothing matters or you can’t do anything right.
  • Irritability, restlessness, or being easily angered (this is especially common for men).
  • Sharp and unexplained change in behaviors, including the following:
    • Disinterest in activities, hobbies or work that were once very important or fun;
    • Feeling very tired or excessive sleeping;
    • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness;
    • Change in eating behavior, like overeating, skipping meals, or a loss of appetite.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions, especially if this was not an issue before.
  • Thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts.
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not get better, even with treatment.

If this sounds like someone you know, it’s really important that you reach out to them. Here are some basic steps for talking about depression with someone you love:

  1. Express your concern. If you see something, say something. Depression can be incredibly isolating, and so it’s very important to show that person you notice and are concerned.
    • Do this with as much care and kindness as possible, in a private and controlled environment. This is not a good discussion to have on the bus or in a crowded coffee shop. Talk about specific behaviors you’ve noticed, but don’t make the observations sound like you are accusing them of having done something wrong. Something like “I’ve noticed you’ve been missing a lot of work recently, I’m concerned that something might be wrong” is much better than “Why have you been missing so much work?” because it is less accusatory.
    • The person you are speaking with may rebuff you, get angry, or be relieved that they have someone to share with. It feels best when people are relieved, but don’t expect this reaction 100% of the time. If the person you are concerned about is angry at you, do not take this personally. Depression can come along with strong feelings of shame and anger, and this can make it easy for the person to deny the severity of what they are experiencing and lash out at you. Remember, bravery isn’t a lack of fear, it’s doing something despite your fear. Even if you are worried about their reaction, it’s still important to reach out.
  1. Listen. Give your friend the space to express themselves and really listen. Don’t jump in, don’t talk about your own experiences (especially don’t tell that story about your cousin’s friend’s brother), and don’t give advice. Also, don’t be offended if they are not interested in telling you their life story. Create a welcoming and safe space, and allow your friend to be supported by you.
  1. Refer. I know, I know, we just talked about not giving advice, but this is different. Having a resource or two on hand to give to your friend is incredibly important. This can be anything from a hotline, to the number for your therapist, to the counseling center at your university (if you’re still in school), to an article online talking about depression.
  1. Follow Up. Check back in with your friend after a day or two and see how they are doing. Again, express your concerns, and listen. You can’t make someone get help, and you shouldn’t follow up in order to make sure that they do. This is mostly to let them know that you are consistently going to be there for them, and that you are not going to bail after one (likely very intense) conversation.

Lastly, here are some resources to keep in your pocket:

  • In an Emergency: Call 911 – If someone is thinking about attempting suicide or if they have already attempted suicide,  it’s critical to get highly trained professionals on your side. Don’t hesitate to call 911.
  • National Institution of Mental Health – Information about Depression: Interested in some more information about the prevalence and effects of depression? That is provided here in a helpful way and contains much more information about the many types of depression, treatment options, and experiences of those who have been diagnosed with depression.  http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
  • Suicide Hotlines: Sometimes it’s critical to have someone to talk to and give you strategies to not harm yourself, or to help you work through whether a friend is in need. These are free and most are available 24 hours.  They have services specifically for veterans, Spanish speaker, and teens, among others. Call if you need help yourself, or if you need help helping someone else. Sometimes friends aren’t available or don’t have the right tools, and this is where these folks come in. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
  • Online Emotional Crisis Support: Not everyone feels comfortable on the phone or has access to a private place to have a conversation. This is the chat room version of the service above.  http://www.crisischat.org/
  • College Student Helpline: Depression for college students is very common. 18-24 year olds experience a wide range and, according to some researchers, the highest prevalence of mental health problems. These folks are specifically trained to help college students.  http://www.ulifeline.org/
  • Grad Student Helpline: Many studies have shown that for whatever reason (high stress, high pressure environment, self-selecting factors), grad students are at a very high risk of poor mental health. Like the resource above, this helpline is specifically geared to help graduate students and to understand the issues they face. http://gradresources.org/

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Career

Tackling a Phone Interview

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In a world where 50% of college graduates are jobless, working below their educational level, or outside their field, it’s not unreasonable to think that you may have to interview over the telephone for a faraway job at some point or another. Telephone interviews are strange beasts, because you can’t rely on many of the things that help a lot, like non-verbal communication and environmental clues.

PhoneIntSquare

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Daunting as this may seem, there are lots of things you can do to make this not so painful. You could even make it work to your advantage! Below are some tried-and-true tips that help me when I’m getting ready for a phone interview, and when I’m in the thick of the interview itself.

Prep Yourself:

  • Clearly write out all your answers ahead of time, and highlight important parts. It’s like an open-book interview!

An easy way to do this is to make a grid with three columns. In the first column, write out each qualification or responsibility listed in the job description. Then, in the second column, write crib notes about something you did that met each responsibility or qualification. In the third column, write what you learned from that experience or if there is anything you would have done differently.

Voila! Interview cheat sheet done and done! Keep this in front of you during the phone conversation to reference.

Prep Your Space:

  • Find a place that is quiet where you won’t be disturbed. Then, make sure you get great reception there. If you live in a house that still has a landline (I hear they still exist), use that instead of your cell phone.
  • Put a mirror across from you. As long as you don’t get distracted by how strange your mouth looks or something, you’ll feel more like you are in a conversation.
  • Use speakerphone or a headset. If you talk with your hands like me, there is no chance of you flinging the phone across the room and needing to scramble to pick it up.
  • Be prepared to start your interview at least ten minutes early. Be in place. Sit at a clean table with no distractions. Have your notes and other supplies ready and set to go.
  • Have water handy, but not close enough for to you to knock over with a sweeping gesture.
  • Make sure to have some scratch paper handy so you don’t have to jump up and run to another room. The people on the other end of the line will hear, and you’ll feel uncomfortable for the rest of the conversation!

During the Interview:

  • If you feel comfortable doing so, ask how many questions there will be, and figure out how much time you have per question so you can keep track, or ask about how much time you have for each question. This will help you pace yourself well, and avoid taking up too much of your interviewer’s time.
  • Write down the questions the interviewer asks you, especially if you are a visual learner or if each question has multiple parts. (Want to know more about your learning style? Here is a great quiz.) Jot down initial notes about what you’d like to say, if you can do so quickly.
    This will also come in handy in follow-up interviews, as you’ll know which stories you’ve already told and what you can elaborate on.
  • Be sure to end your questions well, so that your interviewers know what’s going on. It’s easy to ramble on about the time you started a new initiative at work. It’s better to be concise and clear than give every detail in an organized way.

Biggest tip:

  • Be yourself! People can tell when you are trying to play the part. More importantly, most interviews are about fit rather than qualifications: resumes are already there to make sure you meet the basic requirements. There is never an objectively best candidate, and you will never know what the interviewer is actually looking for.

Really, there is no advantage to trying to be someone you’re not. Worst-case scenario is that if you are acting like someone else, you may find yourself in a situation where neither you nor your employer is happy because you weren’t honest during the interview process. Plus, you’re a wonderful, hardworking person! Who wouldn’t love to hire you?

There is no doubt that this is a nerve-wracking process, especially with student loan debt possibly hanging over your head, the fear of losing or not getting health care, and the simple necessity of being able to feed yourself! Use the tips above to give yourself an edge, or at least some peace of mind, through the process of finding a job.

Don’t lose sight of your goal, and don’t give up!

Relationships

How to Mediate a Conflict

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Aren’t conflicts just the most fun? Every group of friends, coworkers, or any gathering of people will probably have some sort of drama every now and then.

Be it roommates who aren’t talking because of dishes left in the sink or people who are frustrated about scratch paper being left in the communal copier, it’s good to have a conflict mediation system up your sleeve to help folks work things out. Here are some basic steps:

Assess your Involvement. Are you the best person to be helping these people? Make sure you are actually a neutral party. If you’re not, get the eff out of there: you’ll really only make things worse and get yourself stuck in the middle. Is this a work issue? Make sure you feel comfortable enough with office politics to play this role. As a mediator, your job is not to figure out who is right, but instead to help the aggravated parties create an equitable solution together. Make sure you are coming from the right place.

Set your discussion up. Choose a comfortable, quiet, private place to chat. Start by setting some ground rules for the discussion. These are here to make sure the discussion stays on track and that people are less likely to be hurt by others’ words (because we all know that “sticks and stones” is a huge lie). Good ground rules include:

  • ‘I statements’: Participants only talk about their experience of the situation. This doesn’t include what they think others might feel, or why they think others have done something.

Pro tip: “I think you’re a bitch” is not an ‘I statement.’

  • Be kind: no yelling, no insults, no storming out.
  • If anyone in the group has to leave at a certain time, talk about that now so everyone is aware.

Tell everyone the structure of the discussion, so people know what to expect. Here is a typical structure:

  • Each person explains their side of the story and gets heard by everyone else.
  • Together, you all explore solutions.
  • After exploring, you’ll agree on a solution to start with.

Now it’s time to jump in!

Figure out what actually happened. Start by having each person explain where they are coming from. Flip a coin or draw numbers to see who starts first. In instances with large groups of people, it’s important to repeat this process with each individual, and not set up camps. Each person will have a unique experience of the conflict, and people ganging up on another person will defeat the purpose.

Here is an example, using our imaginary friends Oscar and Martha:

  • Martha won the coin toss, so she starts by telling her side of the story and why she is upset.
  • Oscar repeats what he heard Martha say without interpretation or explanation.

This is super critical. The goal of this piece of the process is to make sure that each person’s feelings are put out in the open, and each person can confirm that the other person understands. The summary should be something like “Martha says that it she feels frustrated when she comes home to a sink full of dirty dishes.” An example of a bad summary would be “I leave my dishes in the sink, and it doesn’t matter to me, because I have more important things to do than dishes.” As a mediator, it’s really important to keep people from digging in their heels and not trying the process out.

If you are mediating a conflict between a large group of people, have each person say something. They don’t have to tell the whole story back, but it’s critical that person who shared feels like every person understood.

  • Martha confirms whether or not Oscar understood her story correctly. I usually ask people “Is that how you feel?” or “Is that what happened?”
  • Repeat, but with Oscar’s side of the story.
  • If you are in a group, repeat until each individual has had an opportunity to tell their experience.

Take a deep breath. Well done! At this point in the mediation, things should already be looking up. Feeling heard is really powerful, and getting everything out on the table is usually more than half the battle. But, we still have to press on…

As mediator, identify key words and issues. Is someone looking for respect? Cleanliness? Remuneration? What were some needs that were identified as not being fulfilled? Choose the issues that need to be resolved, and get ready to start looking for solutions. Make sure to check first with the people who are upset—it would make things way worse to assume you know exactly what the biggest issues are.

  • A great way to ask this is, “It sounds like it really bothers you, Martha, when you come home and find dishes in the sink, is this true? Can I list this as one of the main issues to focus on?”
  • There is no right number of issues to focus on—it totally depends on the conflict and how much time you have. If you are pressed for time, make sure to ask the people you are helping what the most important things to focus on are.

Start Looking for Solutions. With the person who lost the coin toss starting first (Oscar in our case) or the last person to speak if in a large group, start asking your conflicted parties to suggest solutions to each issue. Each person should suggest a solution, and then there should be time to think before swapping to the other person. Go issue-by-issue and write the suggestions down until you have a good brainstorm of solutions.

Photo by Anastasia Heuer

Photo by Anastasia Heuer

Check In. Take a beat. Check in with those involved. Are they feeling good? Hopeful? Frustrated? If they are not feeling so great, go back and explore more about what is really going wrong. You may be focusing on something totally incorrect!

Make a Plan. Once you have a list of solutions and everyone’s feeling good, make an action plan, and make it SMART. That is, Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound. A bad solution would be “Oscar will wash the dishes,” but a SMART solution is “Oscar will wash dirty dishes within 24 hours of using them.” The latter solution can be checked in a way that the former can’t, and that makes it really easy to identify when Oscar hasn’t followed up.

Check Back. Make a time to check in with the involved parties to see how they are doing. Make plans for coffee a week or two later to see how they are feeling and reassess then.

Want to read more about conflict resolution? My favorite resource is The Center for Nonviolent Communication