All posts by Let's Ask

Let’s Ask: A D&D Dungeon Master

January 14, 2014 Let's Ask Leave a comment

Two nerds walk into a Starbucks with a couple mutual friends, and soon discovered a mutual interest in D&D. Meggyn, ever-recruiting managing editor of the UNDERenlightened, roped Steve into sitting down with her to share some experiences and answer some questions about organizing and running a D&D game as a Dungeon Master.

Meggyn: How did you get into D&D?

Steve: I’m not really sure what drew my eye to it, but in 6^th grade I was in a hobby shop and saw the player’s handbook for version 3.0. I researched some stuff online, and read some stories of fun adventures and became a lot more interested. After that, I talked to a couple of friends about trying the game out, so we went out and bought the stuff we needed to get a start. Because none of us had any clue what we were doing, one of the group members bought a D&D starter kit, which came with a few prefabricated adventures, which were just enough to get a practical handle on the mechanics of the game. From there, we continued to play and create our own adventures.

Meggyn: That’s awesome that you all learned the mechanics of the game together. When I first started, I joined a new campaign with mostly all experienced players; to this day I’m still a total newbie, so I still rely a lot on my friends for advice on leveling my character and how to figure out adventures. Have you always played with friends, or have you ever started a campaign with complete strangers?

Steve: I’ve never played an in-person campaign with complete strangers, but I have joined groups of people online that I didn’t know, as well as online groups of friends I met in an MMO. When I joined the former group, the one full of total strangers, I met them through a “looking for group” forum on the RPTools website. There are a ton of places online to find groups over the internet.

Meggyn: Dungeons & Dragons has been around for decades, so there are a few different versions of the rulebooks.

Steve: Yep. For those who don’t know, each revision is a major overhaul of the rules, where they are essentially rewritten (not dissimilar to new versions of video games, when the entire engine is recreated). From there, minor updates come in the form of supplemental or expansion books, which can include anything from new classes to new game mechanics (kind of like expansion packs).

Meggyn: When I played my first D&D campaign, we used a more recent version that included the well-known table grid, for moving miniatures around. However, my current campaign has reverted all the way back to the first edition: it works well for us because we can simply play through ongoing storytelling (perfect for a group of mostly English majors), and we rely on our Dungeon Master’s common sense rather than burdening our play with overly technical details, like counting out the exact amount of squares we can move. What’s your favorite version for organizing as the Dungeon Master?

Steve: There are some cool features to every version that I have played, really. But my favorite version of Dungeons & Dragons is a variant of the version 3.5 rule set called Pathfinder, because the power adjustment of specific classes is better as they level and the mechanics remain almost unaltered. This gives a stronger incentive for players to specialize in just one class and makes it easier as a DM to keep track of the characters abilities, which is very important for planning adventures. This coupled with my familiarity with the version 3.5/Pathfinder mechanics, and the huge number of supplemental materials available to draw upon, allow for much smoother game play and planning.

Meggyn: So it sounds like you started from the very beginning as the Dungeon Master for your in-person games with your friends. How do you prepare for a session, and what are some pitfalls you consciously avoid?

Steve: Well, back when my first group started, we actually traded off hosting the prefabricated adventures since running prefabricated campaigns takes a lot less preparation. I DMed for the first time without a prefabricated campaign back in high school: I was terrible, and it has been a process of getting better this whole time. A great deal of time spent preparing is time spent trying to avoid some of the mistakes I made on my first pass as the DM. One common thing I avoid is creating an adventure where the players are bound to just one path, but also to where I don’t need to create the limitless possibilities of a completely open world. That is probably the hardest part of being a DM. Another thing is how to ensure the encounters are challenging but possible for the players, which requires a lot of thought into each character’s abilities. The rest of the prep time as a DM is used to draw maps, organize my system of keeping track of turns, and further familiarize myself with what monsters I am presenting in the encounters.

Meggyn: Sometimes the complication of a crazy open world can simply be impossible to avoid, though. In my current campaign, one of our players decided from the get-go that he wanted to buy a chicken. Since then, he has goaded our ranger into training it (as much as you can train a chicken), and is constantly coming up with absolutely insane, totally creative, and utterly hilarious ways to harass our long-suffering DM—like his current search for chicken-sized armor. Any similarly great stories from your past campaigns?

Steve: The problem is that most D&D anecdotes draw on previous stories or adventures, and are most fun from experiencing them, kind of like an inside joke. To me at least, the most fun from the game comes from the people incorporating their own personalities into the events of the game.

Meggyn: It really is an awesome pastime. So, for the readers whom we’ve inspired, what are some good resources for getting started with D&D?

Steve: A great tool to use for running a D&D game, online or otherwise, is Maptool, a completely free product of RPTools that is great for creating encounter maps and running games. Another great resource for version 3.5 is the d20srd, which is a free online searchable rules resource. If you navigate around, you can find some cool tools and setups that other people have used in their gaming, like the group who projected their game mat onto a table using map tools. Of course, you can always search your app store and see if there are some nifty tools there.

Steven Cary is an aspiring IT professional who enjoys backpacking, archery, cars, and science fiction/fantasy.

Meggyn Watkins is the Managing Editor of the UNDERenlightened. Fiction reader, local art prowler, concert-goer, BBC watcher, world traveler, and San Jose Sharks lover! @meggawat

Photo by Meggyn Watkins

Health

Let’s Ask: Viewing My Anxiety & OCD As An Addiction

December 31, 2013 Let's Ask Leave a comment

Julia and Erin, two UE writers who have asked that their names be changed to allow for a completely honest conversation, sat down to discuss how Erin has used viewing her anxiety and OCD as an addiction to help her to find mental freedom.

Julia: A week or so ago, you referenced using Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12 Step Program as a method for fighting your anxiety, can I ask how you do that?

Erin: I don’t really use the exact 12 Step Program, but more the ideas behind it put in terms of battling an “addiction” that I see as my anxiety/OCD. So, it is sort of the backbone to my approach. It’s as much about being powerless to the presence of my anxious thoughts (the same way an alcoholic feels powerless to their craving for alcohol) and the choice as to whether or not I listen and/or react to them (like refraining from a drink).

Julia: That’s a good comparison. “How to deal with things out of your control.”

Erin: Exactly. For so long, I thought listening to my anxiety was the only way to feel like I was in “control” of my world. Then I realized I was missing out on all of these things, because the solution to feeling in control was actually letting go of the idea that I could ever be in control. A very hard lesson for a control freak to learn. The Buddhists have been teaching this idea of accepting the groundlessness of life and our situations for thousands of years. They teach that if we can learn to sit with and embrace, rather than try to run away from or control, the inherent discomfort of life, and the discomfort of our fears, we will stop fearing them.

Julia: That does not sound easy.

Erin: Nope, haha. But in her book, Living Beautifully, the Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön talks about how the chemical response that happens in our brains during an emotional situation only lasts for 90 seconds. Any pain longer than those 90 seconds is because we are choosing to hold on to it—so while I can’t control the chemicals in my brain, I can control how I choose to react to them. Of course, it’s not as simple as just waiting 90 seconds. For me, all I want to do is react, react, react, so I have to spend the whole time trying to convince myself that (1) this will only last for 90 seconds, (2) that this whole 90 seconds thing is not bullshit, and (3) that I will actually be capable of letting go of this pain at the end of the 90 seconds.

Julia: So like, “I am experiencing an anxiety attack, and when it is over then I can be productive again?”

Erin: In a way, yes. Amy Mina did a really good job of capturing this in her article about dealing with depression and anxiety. For me, it’s more like being in a dark room, with no lights, no doors–let’s actually make into more of a “dark abyss.” And I’m just sitting there, in the middle of this perceived infinite blackness, and my brain is basically saying, “There are no doors, there is no hope: you will never get out of this; you will always be here. You should just curl up in a ball and cry, because you are a failure, and you will never be free from the clutches of this panic. Ever.” Buying into that idea, by letting myself become the victim or by acting out compulsions to make it better, just perpetuates the situation. So, now, I try to sit with the fear, feel it, embrace, bathe in the discomfort of it, and try my hardest not to react to it. Then I try to let it go with the knowledge that I will be okay, no matter what happens. The stumbling block, of course, is that it’s hard not to believe my brain when it’s in an anxiety state, because it sounds so rational: “There are no doors.” And even though I know that I am panicking, I look around, and I can’t see any doors, so it seems like my brain is right. My anxiety is part of me, it gets me, and we’ve been together for over 25 years, so of course it knows all the right things to say to try and get me to believe it. But if I can get myself to push past that, and believe that I am in a room full of doors, and I would be able to see them all if I just stood up and stopped wallowing in this fear/sadness/self-pity/etc., then it’s like finding the light switch, and suddenly all the lights come back on and I can see all of these doors all around me and then my brain and I both can’t believe we ever thought any differently.

Julia: A catch-22.

Erin: Very much so.

Julia: So how does the method of the 12 Step Program help in the midst of an attack? Is it something actionable in-the-moment, or is it more of a perspective for you when you’re not in an attack?

Erin: Again, it’s really less about the 12 Step Program specifically, and more about the viewpoint that my anxiety and the compulsions associated with it and my OCD are an addiction. I’ve never viewed my anxiety as an “attack” or a “panic attack,” I usually call them “spirals,” because sometimes it can happen slowly, even over several days, but once my anxiety grabs hold, it starts pulling me down, and down, and eventually something really sets it off and I’m into that dark abyss. So it’s important that I try and address my anxiety, before I get sucked into a really bad “thought spiral.” It’s at that crossroads, when I have the choice to follow my anxiety or not–when I can feel the panic luring me in, tapping on my brain–that it’s the most important time to employ all the techniques, like the 90 second wait. Because as it gets harder and harder to fight it, I have to do whatever it takes to not give in to a compulsion even though my relief response is telling me, “This is the only way you’re going to get any relief. It’s the only way to make yourself feel better.”

That’s the “addiction,” that short-term pleasure of giving into a compulsion or a fear, instead of striving for the long-term pleasure of living an anxiety-free life. Like taking a drink even though you don’t want to be an alcoholic. So I use that methodology to enforce this idea that I can’t give into any fears or compulsions, because that just opens the door to scarier fears and bigger compulsions. For example, I have a compulsion to pop pimples. It seems innocent, but if I let myself pop a nice juicy pimple, then it’s like a gateway drug to inspecting the rest of my face and causing more damage. To allow the “innocent” compulsions is like swearing off hard alcohol but still drinking “just one beer”: it doesn’t work.

Julia: You have to commit to it, and not let your guard down.

Erin: Yes. Because the “little fears” pop up everywhere—like throwing out an onion because it looks a little too yellow and might make me sick—and then I’ve opened the door and suddenly I’m throwing out all the leftovers because they sat out on the stove for a couple hours. Since I’ve lived with anxiety my whole life, it was the lens through which I saw the world. So I just thought it was normal to just be panicked all. the. time. I had to learn to pay attention to what was motivated by fear and what wasn’t. Thinking, “I’m just going to double check pictures of yellow onions on Google,” when I know the onion is fine, is motivated by fear. That’s acting out a compulsion to silence a little seed of obsessive doubt in my head. Instead, I have to be confident in my belief that the onion is fine, in my choice to eat it despite the risk that it might make me sick, and in my knowledge that whatever happens, I will be able to handle it.

Julia: With all of this, you’re really self-aware.

Erin: I am now, but I didn’t used to be. My instinct was avoid, avoid, ignore, avoid, rush to continue avoiding. And, for a long time, I found my anxiety to be really effective. I channeled it into being a perfectionist and it led me to a lot of career success. But I was a complete workaholic and I ran into a concrete wall—as one is apt to do when they are constantly living in fear. It was just unlivable. But I wasn’t depressed, I was just like “Ahhhhh, brain, why do you hate me?!” It took me a long time to learn the tools to even start to rewire it. A huge part of that was putting myself in a completely new place (because the environments we build when we are in an anxiety mindset can be a big part of what perpetuates that mindset) and paying attention to every action and habit—from the way I processed information, to the way I interacted with people, to where I found self-worth, to how I felt safe—so I could root out all the things I did that were motivated by fear and individually rewiring them. That’s when I learned to be self-aware, and it meant facing a lot of things I didn’t want to face, but it was the only way to root out the real problems. It took a lot of help though, and I can’t stress the importance of a good therapist enough.

Julia: As a friend, is there anything that I can do for someone with anxiety?

Erin: The thing is, even with a great therapist and a wonderful support network and, if helpful, anti-anxiety medication, the only person who can really help someone with anxiety is him- or herself. And believe me, it’s the last thing I wanted to hear and, sometimes still, want to hear. I hate telling myself, in the midst of anxiety spiral, that no one except me is going to make this better. In that moment, it seems impossible—too hard, too scary, too out of control, too everything. And I just want to look around and find something or someone that is going to make me feel better. But, that’s attacking the branches, not the roots.

Julia: What happens when you can’t?

Erin: That’s what I’ve been struggling with the most lately. If I’m in a good place, it’s easy to stay “good,” but once I slip, get stressed out, and start reacting, I can fall back into a spiral and suddenly, all of these old fears pop right back up and seem just as scary as they were when I started. It’s really hard not to look at this and let it shake my confidence and I start thinking, “All of my work has been for naught. I’ve failed and I’ll never be free.” To go back to the addiction methodology (this is another reason I like that metaphor so much), this is my version of “relapsing.” (Macklemore wrote a great song about “Starting Over” with his sobriety, that I find really helpful when I’ve “fallen off the wagon” with my anxiety or OCD.) I hate that place. It’s actually one of my bigger remaining fears.

Julia: You used that same phrase earlier. What do you mean when you say “fall off the wagon”? How is that more than just an individual panic spiral?

Erin: When I’m having panic spirals consistently, or when my whole mindset has changed and my perspective on the world has turned back into fear, or victimization, or avoidance, I know I’ve “fallen off the wagon.” Often I find myself here because I’ve been too stressed or too tired to sit with the discomfort of my anxiety so I’ve been giving into fears or compulsions and now I’m subsisting on the “drug hits” found in those rushes of relief or from other distracting pleasures. I can usually tell because I’m feeling very anxious, or wired, and I don’t have this sort of warm, sense of patience and calm, that I have when I’m “on the wagon.” That’s really the best way I can think to describe it because it’s something I’m still working on keeping around consistently. It has to come from a sense of self, and not from outside sources (like the drug hits), and that’s really hard. Especially because that takes a while to build up, and every time you “relapse,” it feels like it’s going to be impossible to do it again. But you sum up the will to do it again and soon you find that warm feeling again, usually it sneaks up on me when I stop craving it, and it’s very similar to the moment in the dark, when all the lights come on, it’s just this pure, lasting, relief. It’s freedom. So, that’s my goal, that’s what I strive for every day.

Photo by Sara Slattery

Food

Let’s Ask: A Nutritionist About Beans, Hangovers, And Misadventures With Whey

December 17, 2013 Let's Ask Leave a comment

Nutritionist and registered dietitian Emily Bostrom and her cousin Alyssa Kurtzman share a healthy obsession with food, a set of grandparents, and many nutrition-related conversations, often late at night via G-Chat or anxious text message exchange. They sat down together to discuss…

Heavy Cream vs. Half & Half

Alyssa: Last weekend, I followed this Jacques Pepin recipe for a butternut squash gratin, except I used half and half because I couldn’t bring myself to use heavy cream. And it came out all weird and curdle-y! Why did the cream not mesh into the gratin like restaurant gratins? And what was that liquid in the bottom of the pan? Was the gratin safe to eat? And by that I mean I still ate all of it. And am I going to die now.

Emily: First things first—I believe that it was very safe to eat (as long as it didn’t sit out on your counter between 40° and 140° F for more than two hours). Also, since you’re not reporting any awful symptoms, I’m guessing it sat pretty well.

So, there are few things to consider when making a dish that relies on heavy cream. First of all, should you really be cutting calories when you’re making a seasonal dish you only make once a year? (I personally don’t believe in “diet” holiday food.) So my first recommendation would be to eat a salad for lunch, and use heavy cream in the recipe. Now, as a dietitian, I too experience the guilt associated with even entering the heavy cream section of the dairy refrigerator. Too often, when I buy ingredients like heavy cream or boxed macaroni and cheese–

Alyssa: Judge.

Emily: It’s ORGANIC, okay; I race out of the store before the food police can find me and take away my credentials. But, it’s okay! Go for it. Just don’t eat the leftovers every day after that for a week.

Anyway, back to the curdling issue. When you add heat (like in the oven) or acid (like that salted squash) to milk, you can cause it to separate into its components: curds (solids) and whey (watery liquid you found in the bottom of your pan). Unless you’re making your gratin for Little Miss Muffet, you probably want to prevent this from happening. When you cook milk in this whey *ahem, nutrition joke*, there are a few things that help to keep it from separating, or curdling. First, fat helps milk maintain its texture, so that heavy cream might actually be in that recipe for a reason (those restaurant gratins are so creamy because of the cream). If you’re really motivated to keep the recipe low-fat for some reason, like you’re making this for your grandma with heart disease or it’s the day before your annual lipid panel, then there are a few more ways to improve your gratin’s texture with a lower-fat milk in the recipe.

Starch is another way to improve the final product, so making a roux (flour and fat mixture) can really help that gratin stay creamy and not clumpy. Just add a teaspoon of all-purpose flour for each cup of milk (or half and half) in the recipe. Also, making sure not to rinse the sliced squash (or potatoes, if you’re doing that version) would help maintain that naturally occurring starch for the recipe. Finally, the fresher the milk, the less likely it is to curdle, so hike out to the farm and collect some fresh half and half for your delicious butternut squash gratin. Also, invite me over.

Alyssa: Sorry. I wasn’t kidding about having eaten all of it.

Quest for the Best Bean

Alyssa: I’m pretty sure all beans are healthy, but are some healthier than others? What is the best bean? Come on, we know you know. Stop hiding this information from us.

Emily: Okay, asking me to pick the healthiest bean is like asking a mother to pick her favorite kid! (As an only child, though, I’ve never felt uncomfortable asking this question… I’m sure you’re Aunt W. and Uncle S.’s favorite daughter…)

Alyssa: I am, but when our dog Misha was still alive, they told me it was a toss-up.

Emily: Well, obviously. You could never compete with those giant ears.

As you said, all kinds of beans really are healthy, and have some things in common. Most all beans are rich in fiber, folate and B-vitamins, and many contain iron, which we like. Also, beans are a pretty good source of protein, especially as a meat-free source for our veg friends. Finally, beans (especially dried ones) are cheap, which is important when the fancy free-range, organic, fair-trade, locally grown truffle salt you’re sprinkling on them is $35.00/oz.

But, since you insist on finding out the best bean, I’ll just summarize the benefits of beans into this little chart so you can pick for yourself.

	Rich in…	Special Feature!	Use in…
Black Beans	Fiber, Folate, Iron, Magnesium	Anthocyanins, an antioxidant that makes them extra heart healthy	Salads, Burgers, Soups or dips!
Soy Beans	Calcium, Iron, Potassium	9 Essential Amino Acids! A fantastic plant protein.	Hummus, edamame (steamed) or stir fried
Chick Peas	Fiber, Folate, Potassium, Magnesium	The Most Common Legume in the World!	Creamy hummus, crunchy and roasted or mixed into warm falafel.
Lima Beans	Fiber, Potassium	Cultivated to support the Aztec and Incan protein-deficient diet	With corn as Succotash or stewed on their own.
Black-Eyed Peas	Fiber, Magnesium, Zinc	A symbol of good luck in the new year!	In fritters, stews, salads and with rice.

[Source: Eat Right]

A Holiday Party Hangover Cure

Alyssa: Holiday party hangover cure: go.

Emily: Okay, honestly, what is every company’s deal with holiday parties on weekdays? Is it to ensure that nothing gets done the next day at work? To make people feel less comfortable drinking liberally off the company tab? Whatever the reason, I just don’t like it. Weeknights are for cleaning your bathroom and eating sensibly and watching the last three episodes of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everyone knows that.

Alyssa: Apparently one of the new cast members is a witch, btw???

Emily: Where do they find these people?! Anyway, since companies insist on weeknight party time, here are a few evidence-based ways to get your ass to work the next morning:

Much of that miserable morning is due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalance. So the first, most obvious hangover fix is something liquid with electrolytes, plus a little bit of sugar to get those much needed electrolytes into our tissues. What’s rich in electrolytes and fluid? Coconut water, watered-down Gatorade or Powerade (these sports drinks have just more sugar than we need), or a little bit of 100% orange juice should do the trick, and then just transition to water. Hydrate ‘til you just can’t stand getting up from your desk to pee anymore, and then you’ll know that you’ve done a good job.
A cup of a caffeinated beverage can really make you feel more alert, and research shows that it can help improve your recovery after a long night of eggnog. Contrary to popular belief (including supporters like my mom and Dr. Oz), the research shows that 400mg of caffeine or less per day has no effect on your hydration. That means that about 3 cups of coffee are hydrating rather than dehydrating. Good news for those of us who are rolling into work twenty minutes late with last night’s mascara on.
So, here’s a fun one: asparagus. Maybe the party had asparagus wrapped in prosciutto as hors d’oeuvres, and there are some left in the office fridge! That’s a double whammy with the salty ham (electrolytes!) and enzymes found in asparagus that have been shown to speed up the processing of alcohol in our bodies. SO, munch on some of my absolute-favorite-vegetables-of-all-time and feel fantastic!

Alyssa: Up top.

Emily Bostrom, RD, is a Registered Dietitian with degrees from Rutgers University and the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, who eats, cooks and thinks about food. You can also find her singing loudly in the car and at http://www.emilybostrom.com/

Alyssa Kurtzman is a Content Manager at @CLIPTAMATIC and works on the UE social media staff. Life mantra: It’s never too hot for soup. @KURTZMANIA

Photo by Meaghan Morrison

Relationships

Let’s Ask: Friendships After Marriage

December 10, 2013 Let's Ask 1 Comment

Lily and Heather, two 25-year-old UE writers who’ve known each other since 2007, sat down over Skype recently to discuss how their friendship has changed since Lily got married two years ago. With things like #myfriendsaremarried and the overwhelming number of ring photos on Facebook (and the terrible commercials that accompany them), we wanted to have some real talk about what marriage and friendship have been like for us.

Lily: Let’s start by talking about how we met.

Heather: Sounds good. We worked together as Resident Advisors in college, and met in the training class we had to take the year before we started the job. Remember what that was like?

Lily: Haha, yeah! I would whisper something in your ear and you would raise your hand and say ‘Lily has something to add!’ because I was too shy to speak up. I was mortified, but it was so helpful! How would you describe our early friendship?

Heather: So much of it was spent in dorm rooms, going on dining hall trips, venting about residents, taking trips to beach, going on long walks through the forest, hanging out making flyers and posters and getting super dizzy from the paint fumes. We spent a huge amount of time together—sort of attached at the hip—and our lives were similar enough that people would call us by each other’s names. When did things start changing?

Role Shifts

Lily and Heather in the event center at Stevenson College, UCSC, after a long day at work.

Lily: Things started to change after I graduated a year early from college in 2009. I was working semi-full time in a terrible job at a craft store and navigating post-college life. You were finishing your thesis, transitioning back to American life after a summer in Uganda. We started having different time constraints and different worries.

Heather: I was still more or less in the college mode. I had a job, but school was definitely my priority. We also weren’t living in the same place anymore. You were living with a bunch of people who liked to party; I was living by myself. I felt like we really drifted apart during that time. But we got closer after my graduation in 2010 because then we were both figuring out post-college life, and we were both in relationships. We had more in common again and we could talk about the changes happening in our lives. On the other hand, though, you had just gotten engaged and were now locked into this decision that this one person was good for you. You had made a choice about being with someone forever, and could feel confident about it, which was different from where I was in my relationship.

Lily: I definitely had more security, but I also really wanted to validate my decision. I started getting really sensitive about it, partly because I was one of the first of my friends to get engaged and always got questions about it. I was totally wrapped up in negotiating this new, private thing—being engaged—and didn’t want judgment on top of that. So I started shutting people out, because I didn’t know what would feel threatening to my relationship with Robert. My partnership became way more a reflection of my character than it ever had been before. Suddenly, if I was having a hard time with Robert, it was because I had made the worst decision of my life. It was definitely a lot to handle, so even though we had all this new common ground and you were supportive, I was distancing myself from friends in general.

Heather: Oof, yeah. And meanwhile, I was kind of on the outside of this, not knowing what had happened to change our close friendship.

Unexpected Distance

Lily’s beautiful wedding on the coast of Central California.

Lily: What was that like for you? Did you feel shut out?

Heather: Yeah, actually. It was interesting because I didn’t feel the distance during your engagement. I felt l

ike I was able to support you. Since I was in your wedding party, we would talk regularly about wedding planning stuff, and then it felt natural to catch up on each other’s personal lives. Part of what blindsided me was that you were so nervous at the wedding itself that you ended up being completely closed off. I had a hard time not taking that personally, even though I knew that your nerves had nothing to do with me. After the wedding, you drove off with your new husband and we really didn’t talk very much for months. I don’t remember exactly how long, but felt like a long time because it was so abrupt. I felt pretty rejected, but had no idea what to do about it—your life had just changed a lot, and I wanted to give you and Robert space to get settled. What was your experience, on the other end of being engaged and married?

Lily: Honestly, I feel selfish answering this because I was so wrapped up in everything going on with me. I had to figure out how my identity had changed: everything from sharing chores to how to deal with in-laws to my stupid signature because I changed my name. So much was shifting that I was totally self-absorbed. I knew on some level that I should do something for our friendship, but it was a challenge. I was figuring out how to protect and respect my partner in our conversations—like, is it okay for Heather to know this about Robert? On top of that, friends suddenly seemed to assume that I was an expert on relationships and love, just because I was married. It was so hard. I felt like a self-centered ball of emotions trying to untangle everything. This was pretty much all internal for me, whereas it seems like your experience felt out of your control.

Heather: Yeah, I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do about it, besides be patient and let you be the one to initiate a closer friendship if and when you wanted to. I thought maybe we just wouldn’t be close again, for whatever reason, and tried to accept that. But we slowly started talking more often, and it seemed like the more we talked, the more comfortable you got with this new phase of our friendship.

Dealing with New Boundaries

Lily: Totally, because the other aspect was this long process of finding boundaries with you, sometimes even explicitly, in conversations. I’ll say things like “Is it okay that I’m telling you this, Heather?” because I didn’t know where to draw the line with what’s TMI about my marriage. You’ve been really careful to make it clear that you can’t speak to my experience and want to be here for me, no judgment, and that you’ll never give ultimatums or resent my partner. It’s made me feel really safe to share my thoughts and feelings with you—we have our friendship, but Robert is neither ignored nor the sole focus. It’s been a crazy balance to hit: one that I can’t find with all other friends.

Heather: Trying to hit that balance has been pretty intentional on my part, but it just makes sense because I really don’t know what it’s like to be married. If I keep that in mind, then there’s no way I could make judgments. All I do know is that I want to support you, which means supporting Robert too, because you are deciding to be with him.

Lily: Is there anything I’ve done to make this process easier for you?

Heather: You were really open about the planning, stresses, and expectations you were facing with the wedding, which made a big difference. I got to be involved and supportive during that part of your transition into marriage, which felt good. And I actually feel more prepared for other close friends who are getting married, as far as being able to be a good friend to them. I am more aware of what could come up or what to expect. You also have been nothing but kind: there may have been distance between us at times, and talking felt a little rusty at first, but I always felt like you appreciated me. It was confusing, but did make things easier on my end.

Making This Work

Just a couple of friends, paddling through the waves of life.

Lily: You definitely support and respect the boundaries that I set up with regards to what I feel comfortable sharing and what is a little too intimate, because you have such a strong commitment to be friends. D’aww!

Heather: I think it worked out between us because we were flexible: neither of us stayed stuck in the separate values we originally had about marriage. Otherwise, we would have been talking at each other the entire time and couldn’t have maintained a friendship. Even though we do come from pretty different ideological places about marriage, considering our history and parents and religion, we listened to each other carefully and with heart. We were able to let go of some of our assumptions, and we’re doing pretty well, two years out.

Lily: I’d have to agree. Love you, Heather.

Heather: Love you, Lily!

P.S. We’re not the first ones to write about this. Here’s a whole mess of friendship-and-marriage-themed posts, because, well, every friendship is different.

Heather Griffith is a grad student who loves writing about sustainability, justice, food, nature, and science. She is also a rabid reader, incessant cook, and barefoot enthusiast. Read more of her reflections at TO LIVE FOR LOVE.

Lily Henderson is a heart to heart professional. Mentor to college students. Loves language, personality theory, glitter, and any cocktail with champagne.

Photo by Sara Slattery