All posts by Jessica Hills

Shabbos, Shittachs, and Shomer: How to Succeed on the Upper West Side

On a recent Sunday morning, I venture into Fairway, a grocery store on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, prepared to battle the crowd of strollers, walkers, and yoga mats that stand between my grocery list and me. This week, I am on a particular mission: it’s the week before the Jewish holiday of Passover, meaning that I—like what appears to be the majority of the other customers—need to stock up on the foods that meet the specific dietary restrictions for this eight-day holiday. I imagine this mission to be a reenactment of the actual parting of the Red Sea—the story of the Jews’ escape from slavery in Egypt, which we retell on Passover—since people rush toward the Passover food aisle with the same sense of urgency one would bring if being chased by enemy soldiers and crashing waves.

Finally, I find two people stocking shelves and ask them where I can find the Kosher for Passover yogurts. They speak to each other in rapid Spanish, and they don’t respond to me with directions in English; instead, one leads me to the dairy section and shows me how to find the Hebrew, Kosher for Passover stamp of approval on certain Dannon products. It’s a safe bet that the majority of the people who work at Fairway aren’t observant Jews, but they cater to a demographic of shoppers who are, so they are all well-versed in the laws of Kashrut and the Jewish calendar year. As I walk out of Fairway with shopping bags full of matzah and special yogurts, overhearing groups of people stopping each other on the street to wish each other a “Happy Holiday,” I have one of my only-on-the-Upper-West-Side moments.

Manhattan’s Upper West Side—mainly between W 70th and W 96th Streets—is home to an enclave of observant Jews across the religious spectrum, and with that comes a concentration of synagogues, Kosher restaurants, and challah per capita that I believe could only be rivaled by a city in Israel. The neighborhood is made up largely of families and the elderly, but it also has the reputation of being the “it place” to socialize for Jewish twenty-somethings. It’s a comfortable place to live for young, single New Yorkers who want to mingle with others who observe Shabbat, keep Kosher, and integrate Jewish religious or cultural practices into everyday life. There’s even a version of Craigslist that caters solely to Jews searching for apartments on the Upper West Side.

These idiosyncrasies are, in large part, why I find it easy to call the Upper West Side home, even when my own family isn’t nearby. But, like any family, this community can feel overbearing and judgmental, making it just as easy to feel self-conscious as it is to feel included. When I join the hoards of young people walking from synagogue to a Shabbat dinner on a Friday night, I know that other Sabbath observers who pass by will immediately identify me as part of their community and try to figure out who we know in common, wishing me a “Shabbat Shalom” (“Good Sabbath”) even if we are perfect strangers. On the flip side, if I’m coming home from work late, with my headphones in as I head out of the subway, I don my invisibility cloak, hoping that I don’t run into my religious friends and ruin my chance of being indexed as “datable” for eligible bachelors who are Sabbath observers. Last year, an acquaintance set me up with an old friend of hers who lives on the Upper West Side. I was so paranoid that it would be the topic of every dinner conversation in our social network, that I refused to go out on the Upper West Side all weekend, and I swore my friend to secrecy. Low and behold, before we had even set a location for the date, people came out of the woodwork to text me, telling me they’d heard I was going on a date with this person—and, in many cases, to tell me they’d already dated him. Utterly mortified, I coined the catch phrase, “Can’t a girl have a private life on the Upper West Side?!” I quickly learned the answer to that question.

All of that is to say that the codes and assumptions about lifestyle choices, political opinions, and social circles that filter into the young Upper West Sider’s lexicon can make a welcoming community feel more like an exclusive club, and you need to know the password to be let in. Personally, I navigate the Upper West Side by straddling the “insider” and “outsider” Jewish circles of my neighborhood, sending out the appropriate signals depending on which I feel like joining at a given moment. Like in any club, you feel like more of a participant if you can “talk the talk” and “walk the walk”—literally and figuratively in this case—so rather than describe this diverse Jewish community through sweeping generalizations, I thought I’d provide a beginner’s “phrase book” so that you can come and experience it like a local.

  1. Summer camp: The best thing that ever happened to you. The place where you met your lifelong friends, learned about prayers and puberty, and probably had your first kiss. When meeting people for the first time, even if it’s been ten years since anyone was even a camp counselor, you will likely be asked where you went to camp, followed by a ten-minute back-and-forth until you find someone you know in common. (If you didn’t go to camp, say you went to “some remote location of Camp Ramah that no one’s ever really heard of.”)
  1. Meal: This word you know, but in the context of the Upper West Side, it refers either to Friday night dinner or Saturday lunch. Starting Monday morning, friends will text each other to find out where they’re “having their meals” the following weekend. If you are “invited for a meal” (as opposed to “invited for dinner and drinks”), you should ask if you can bring challah or wine. Rather than try to bring something artisanal or fancy, which may not be up to all guests’ standards of kashruth, you should pick up something from a bodega on the Upper West Side. Meals are places to see and be seen. It’s a big deal to secure a place around certain people’s folding tables, and following your meal you will likely walk over to someone else’s meal and schmooze over scotch and their leftovers.
  1. Shittach: Twenty-four-year-olds on the Upper West Side seem to be more obsessed with marriage than the average New Yorker that age, so it’s a safe bet that you’ll throw in this term often. When we talk about dating and marriage, we use the word “shittach” to mean a blind date. Officially, a shittach is a setup orchestrated by a matchmaker, but, come on, it’s the Upper West Side, not the Fiddler on the Roof’s shtetl! Instead, you might be invited to a meal to orchestrate a shittach; in other words, your friend wants to set you up with her friend from camp, so she invites you both for a Friday night meal, seats you next to each other, and it’s b’sheret (“meant to be”). (And, if it doesn’t work out, just know that you will run into this person and all of his friends for the rest of your life on the Upper West Side.)
  1. Shomer: When looking for a roommate, you will want to know if that person falls into any/all of these categories: shomer Shabbat; shomer Kashruth; shomer nagiyah. The first refers to whether somebody observes all the laws of the Sabbath, abstaining from use of electricity and spending money. The second term gives you insight into how many sets of dishes that person would contribute (one for milk and one for meat?). The last, used mainly among the more Orthodox circles these days, will allow you to inquire about a person’s—ahem—sexual experiences. If your friend wants to set you up on a shittach, you’d best first confirm whether or not he’s shomer to find out if he touches girls before marriage.
  1. Jake’s Dilemma: Watch out! This phrase in no way allludes to the biblical story in which Jacob wrestles with an angel. (Actually, now that I mention it, maybe it does?) In this context, it simply refers to the most crowded bar on a Saturday night. If you want to go out in the West 80s, start at Jake’s Dilemma, show your ID to the bouncer, and throw in some of your new catch phrases. You’ll feel like a local. And, who knows, you might just meet your long-lost friend from camp or your b’sheret.
Photo by Gali Levi-McClure

Photo by Gali Levi-McClure

 

 

Fridgeology 101

Last month, I moved into my own studio apartment. Contrary to popular belief, the best part about living alone isn’t the ability to walk around pantsless or let dirty dishes pile up in the sink for a week. Actually, it’s that—for the first time in my life—I indulge in the privacy of my own fridge and freezer. Having spent significant time over the past six years sharing fridge space with roommates (some friends, some strangers), employers, coworkers, and other people who have flickered in and out of their lives—and therefore mine—I have come to learn that a glimpse into other people’s refrigerators reveals the most essential, and sometimes most intimate, facets of their lives.

We’re probably all familiar with the proverbial scene in a rom-com in which a girl snoops through her love interest’s medicine cabinet to uncover the skeletons in his closet. If I were getting ready to launch into a serious relationship, though, I’d look through his fridge and freezer to find out what he’s hiding.

Freezer full of chicken soup in Tupperware? His mom still delivers him prepared meals every week.

Dannon Light and Fit? There’s definitely another woman in the picture.

Based on an unofficial ethnographic study, conducted over a six-year period, across several neighborhoods across New York City, what this reporter has come to deem the “fridge-forage” has proven to be a surprisingly accurate litmus test for the habits and personalities of the test subjects. Names have been removed from the vignettes that follow in order to protect the identities of the people who failed their diet plans, served their children expired yogurt, and drank their roommates’ milk.

Chapter 1: City Parents

My first case study comes from when I was a freshman in college, babysitting for a couple with a newborn baby on the Upper East Side, and naïve enough to fall for the “help yourself to anything in the fridge” trap. As soon as the parents headed out, and the baby was fast asleep, I excitedly tiptoed into the kitchen, thinking I’d whip up a meal with the groceries I imagined working adults in New York kept on hand. Instead of the freshly baked hearth breads, heirloom vegetables, and mélange of dips I’d envisioned, I found moldy cheese (and not the good kind of mold), a jar of mustard three years past the expiration date, and a half-finished bottle of white wine. Conclusion: Despite being proud parents, this couple, a little older than the average first-time parents, were not ready to give up certain aspects of their New York routines from life before parenthood. Living in the one-bedroom apartment he’d owned since bachelorhood, and subsisting on a steady diet of takeout and leftovers were vestiges of their former life stage, anachronistic next to the baby food on the bottom shelf of the wine rack and Lipitor next to the takeout menus. “Transitioning Your Fridge: An Emotional Journey” is, apparently, lacking on the millions of “How to Prepare for Life with a Baby” blogs.

A second family, which I’ve tracked over the entire six-year period, lives in a large apartment on the Upper West Side with three kids under the age of five, and they keep Kosher, a set of Jewish dietary laws that I also observe. When I first met the family, I imagined their pantry would resemble the one in my house growing up. The first Saturday night I babysat for this family, the kids were finishing up their eggs, ketchup, grapes, and mashed peas, and the parents told me to “seriously help yourself to anything.” As had become my babysitting routine, when the kids headed to bed, I headed into the kitchen with an empty stomach and a head full of ideas about the bounty of treats I might find in a large household. In this case, sure that I’d find something that people over the age of 10 would find edible, and expecting lots of snacks, I peered into the fridge, only to land upon a grocery aisle’s worth of Gogurt, string cheese, bananas, ketchup, whole milk, Grape-Nuts, and Slim Fast shakes. There was one apple in the drawer. Conclusion: Busy parents who order Fresh Direct for Sunday delivery and have kids with nut and sesame allergies, do not have peanut butter and hummus on standby, end up eating like their kids most of the week, and have babysitters so they can eat out on Saturday nights. As they’ve moved past the pregnancy stage and into the world of Soul Cycling moms, these parents have exhibited a nod to health-conscious eating habits through the proverbial apple a day and cottage cheese. (Note that I have since opted to bring my own dinner for this babysitting gig.)

Chapter 2: The Roommate Experience

Observing life in someone else’s home is enlightening, but there may be no greater human experiment than the roommate experience in New York City, and from an ethnographic research perspective, living with the study subjects is the best way to gather evidence. Essentially, New York living boils down to people who consider each other to be friends—in the traditional sense, or, more likely, in the Facebook way—sharing the amount of space that people in the rest of the country call a closet. You quickly learn quirks and habits that you wish you didn’t know about the people you live with, and the fridge partition encapsulates that dynamic.

The apartment I shared with five roommates—not including my roommates’ boyfriends—made our fridge a Petri dish ripe with samples for my study. Each sixth of the fridge was an accurate reflection of the person who occupied the space. One roommate’s parents would drive into the city from Long Island every other Sunday with an SUV trunk full of Shop Rite brand yogurt. Conclusion: Parents from Long Island, having conducted a cost-benefit analysis of delivering groceries into the City on heavy traffic days, found that this arduous process relieves their children of the task of grocery shopping, allowing the students more time to study, and, as a result, earn better grades and ultimately higher-paying jobs.

A second roommate kept little in her section of the fridge. Instead, she would purchase a frozen burrito, microwavable Indian dish, or instant pad Thai every night, based on what she was craving. Conclusion: To become the highest achiever in the academic and extracurricular spheres requires allocating fewer brain cells to more mundane, organizational aspects of life, such as meal-planning and nutrition facts.

I would be remiss not to share a few of the high notes from my most recent post-college roommate situation, which jarringly brought to light the idiosyncrasies and extremes of each of our personalities, and ultimately the reasons I needed to find a room of my own. The fridge, never a clean three-way split, was constantly littered with remains of leafy greens, drips of coconut oil, and stains from dietary supplements, based on whichever made-for-TV diet one roommate was swearing by that week. She juiced everything in her NutriBullet and then separated the pulpy mush into small containers, which would topple out of the freezer every time I opened it. Curiously enough, all of her diets seemed to involve nightly consumption of an entire pint of chocolate ice cream, the traces of which would appear stuck to the counter every morning. Conclusion: All evidence pointed to an adult who was haphazard, scatterbrained, and searching for something life-changing—maybe weight loss—as she was single, approaching forty, and living with two twenty-something roommates who had to remind her to pay her bills on time.

Chapter 3: The Real World

Between roommates and siblings, friends and subletters, I entered the working world thinking that as green as I was in professional experience, I was seasoned at facing the interpersonal challenges of office life. At a company where the majority of my coworkers are under the age of thirty and don’t have children, I quickly appreciated the inspiration for episodes of The Office. My coworkers’ profiles were similar to mine in age, educational background, and social values. Within my first week of work, though, I was shocked by my observations of the way other people ate, and by what they thought of me because of my food choices. The single fridge, shared amongst 100 employees, was a steaming stank of half-eaten McDonald’s burgers, forgotten fountain sodas, moldy cheese from last Christmas’s potluck, expired Greek yogurts, half-finished juice cleanses, soggy tater tots, frozen mini tacos, a forgotten Tupperware, and beer.  Conclusion: We are the typecast weight-watching, microwave “cooking,” starving by choice and by default, young urban professionals of NYC.

Even a surface-level fridgeology of my current, personal refrigerator would enable you to draw accurate conclusions about the person who inhabits this apartment. My fridge is neatly sectioned off by product type—produce, fruit, dairy, grains, and, for the most part, condiments—each of which is then ordered by expiration date. Vegetables are peeled, sliced, and placed in Tupperware on Sunday nights. Lunch is prepared before bed in Scandinavian BPA-free containers, placed on the shelf that I can reach with most efficiency on my way out the door each morning, and promptly shoved into the fridge upon arriving at work in order to secure prime real estate before the sticky leftover-bringers roll into the office. Conclusion: The first sweep of my fridge would reveal an Upper West Sider captivated by kale, quinoa, and Greek yogurt, somewhere on the spectrum of genuine and trendy health-conscious vegetarianism. A more detail-oriented look speaks to the measured and calculated way I approach decisions, which extends to how I choose what to eat. You’d see the struggle with balancing being on a budget and indulging in the Whole Foods groceries that are equally as expensive as they are nutritious , between regretting that I didn’t settle for takeout and feeling proud when I was determined to cook beans from scratch at 11 pm on a work night, and, ultimately, coming to terms with calling frozen yogurt and granola “dinner” two night in a row.

Reviewing this analysis, it’s not surprising that our refrigerators are gateways to our most genuine sense of self. It’s the fridge that knows first when we’re grazing like we’ve just gone through a break up, munching like we feel fat, snacking like we feel poor, or binging on our “skinny days.” We eat our feelings in the privacy of our own fridges, doors flung open, digging directly into that pint of ice cream, jar of salsa, or lame bag of salad we eat because we should. I don’t pretend to think my library-like fridge conveys more of a sense of “normal” than my coworker’s unassuming obsession with McDonald’s or those parents’ half-hearted ingestion of Slim Fast. What I have learned from this study is that, as people come in and out of your life, and jobs, relationships, and living situations are precarious, it’s important to have a strong sense of self, grounded in the way you keep your fridge. And, it’s probably best to keep it clean—after all, you never know who may be peeking inside.

Photo by Andy Sutterfield

Photo by Andy Sutterfield