We Don’t Know: I’m Gay, So When Did I Lose My Virginity?

“Can we get rid of the term virginity? Because it’s basically bullshit.”

Laci Green on the history of “virginity,” the misconceptions around hymens, and your “sexual debut.”

We’re talking a lot about “first times” and virginity this week, but what does “virginity” mean to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals? We started asking some members of the UE community about their first times and soon realized that this wasn’t going to be a Let’s Ask. Because, clearly, We Don’t Know:

What do you consider your “first time”?

“The first time we were both naked.”

“The first time there was some type of penetration.”

“The first time it felt like a mutual event, rather than a foreplay type situation.”

“The first time I orgasmed in front of someone else.”

“The first time I had butt sex.”

“The first time genitals were touching with eye contact.”

“The first time I enjoyed it.”

“I haven’t felt the need to define it.”

“A pre-planned date we had both chosen.”

Some people consider the act of lesbian sex to be having oral sex: do you?

“I don’t understand why ‘lesbian virginity’ is third base? Then again, I have no idea what home plate is either.”

“That doesn’t make sense to me. So many couples do so many different things.”

“I don’t like giving or getting head, but I love having sex.”

A lot of people consider the act of gay sex to be anal sex: do you?

“I do. But it isn’t for everyone! I have friends who have been together for years and aren’t into penetration.”

From a ‘Dear Alice’ on Go Ask Alice: “All gays do not engage in anal sex. I know many men who prefer not to engage in this sex act. I don’t think enjoying anal sex is synonymous with homosexuality. This might comfort some of the straight men who write you and say they enjoy anal stimulation. I believe being gay is about having emotional relationships with men and not necessarily about the type of sex acts one engages in.”

If you’ve had straight sex, do you consider that your first time?

“I did at the time, but I do not now.”


“Yes, but then I also had a ‘gay first time.’”

“Sometimes I think, ‘Technically, I guess I’m still a virgin, because I’ve never had straight sex.’ But I have sex all the time, so I don’t really know.”

We’d love to hear your thoughts!

Photo by Michelle White

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