We all have weaknesses. Some people can’t stop themselves from eating a great piece of chocolate cake or buying those way-too-expensive designer shoes.
I, Charlotte Lewis, have a douchebag problem.
I am a sucker for a bad boy with a heart of gold. But the problem is that most bad boys don’t have a heart of gold. Or if they do, it is way too far beneath layers of issues they refuse to take care of. And honestly, in my experience, it’s way more likely they’re just straight-up assholes.
So, to help me (and all those out there like me), here are some sexual red flags I’ve compiled from my last few bad boys. Hopefully, this Douchebag Checklist will help us both steer clear of those not-so-nice guys or girls and remember that there are way better people waiting somewhere for us.
Doesn’t come prepared (no condoms)
This is not the most terrible offense, but if I’m taking precautions and spending money on birth control, I don’t think it’s wrong to ask the same of my date. The pill won’t protect you from STIs, and if he’s “forgetting” to bring condoms with you, chances are he’s done it before. But as a modern girl, it doesn’t hurt to have some on standby just in case.
Leaves hickies in places you can’t cover up
Is there anything worse than going into work and having to wear a giant scarf in the dead of summer when it’s 100° outside? People know what’s under there! It’s embarrassing, especially when a coworker asks you if you’re hot and winks at you. True story.
Holds your orgasms over your head
It may sound like a lot of fun at first to have someone constantly try to increase the number of orgasms they can provide you (and to be honest, it is), but after a while, it becomes too much of a game. He can hold “your number” over your head to create a power imbalance, especially when he’s withholding his own orgasm, that’s really not fun at all in the end.
Comes over drunk
Drinking together can be a fun social activity, but coming over at the end of the night, after the drinking is already done? Not cool! I once got called out of bed, on a weekend when my mom was visiting, to pick my guy up from a bar at 1 am. And I went! Because he said he needed me. Oh, jeez—hindsight is 20/20.
You’ve never met his/her friends
Not everyone is going to introduce you to their group of friends right away, but if you’ve been seeing each other for an extended period of time and you have the sneaking suspicion their friends don’t even know you exist? Not the best.
You’re not allowed to sleep over at their place
Even though this guy had slept over in my bed multiple times, I was told that his bed was his sanctuary, and he needed to create a boundary there. Umm… okay.
Pillow talk consists of dissecting their last relationship
We can all be this person from time to time. And it’s totally natural to talk out past relationship woes with a new suitor—in fact, sometimes it can be totally hilarious to swap horror stories. But if you know more about their past relationship than their current life, it is probably time to move on.
Cheated on all their exes (and talk about it freely)
Oh my god, this one is the worst! As someone who is looking for a monogamous relationship, the amount of times I’ve heard “I thought we were broken up” or “We were on a break” as excuses for cheating is enough to make me want to never date again. I even once had a guy look me straight in the eye and tell me that he had never not cheated on an ex… as a selling point. I’m sad to say that I still went out with him.
Values their own kinks over your enjoyment
If something doesn’t feel right sexually, I want to be able to speak up. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new things, but “Hold on, can I please finish?” is never an appropriate response to “Can you wait a second?” (It only happened once, and I never saw him again).
He/she’s a self-proclaimed asshole
This is really the crux of it. Yes, I’m a total sucker for a broken soul, but if someone is upfront with you and tells you from the get-go that they’re an asshole, the chances are they’re not lying. Value their honesty by listening.
Although fictional bad boys are totally swoon-worthy and have inspired the nurturer in me to soothe his pain and coax that sweet boy out from his tough exterior, reality has taught me that those boys don’t necessarily exist. And I’d probably be better off saving myself the pain and heartbreak and looking for a nicer guy next time.
Photo by Michelle White