Handjob Etiquette

The date is going well. You’re kissing, petting, and the hands are going south. Ziiiiip… Is it time for a handjob?

Why HJs?

If you have a penis, chances are you’ve been giving yourself handys since puberty. Hands are how we primarily interact with things, it is the default setting for all tool use, so it doesn’t really make sense why that wouldn’t extend to the use of your tool. It’s more a question of “’why not?’”

Some folks don’t like giving head, which is understandable. Some people don’t like receiving blowjobs (which I think is less understandable, but to each their own). There is a time and a place for handjobs—specifically when it’s too early in the dating process for anything more (i.e. oral or sex), but dammit, that end-of-date kissing was awesome and intense and neither of you want to stop.

Also, avoiding STIs and pregnancy are some key health reasons behind choosing HJs over an end-of-date BJ. It’s very difficult to catch something from an HJ. You can catch almost anything during oral sex that you can during vaginal/anal intercourse, so there is no health advantage with oral sex, over intercourse, other than avoiding pregnancy.

Oral and vaginal/anal intercourse are often considered to be much more intimate than an HJ. People might just not be emotionally ready for sex, but still want to fool around and trade orgasms.

Attitude

“I wanted a blowjob! What’s this bullshit?” or “Aw, man, I’m not getting sex tonight. This sucks!” are common and highly inappropriate responses to a person who is kind enough to lift and lower your love pump to climax, and will likely result in you not getting any further sex acts from this person.

Life is too short for bad sex, and the same can be said for handjobs. Semi-sexy -time should be honored, respected, and most importantly, enjoyed.

Cues to an HJ

When making out in a private or semi-private space, heavy petting can lead to heavy petting down south. This is about a half-step from an HJ. If they’re down there for more than a minute, go ahead and unzip. Don’t whip your dick out; let them dig it out in case they don’t want to dive under the underwear.

CAUTION: Beware of HST (handjob standard time). Count Mississippis if you have to. Make sure it’s actually been a minute, and not just your wishful thinking. Generally speaking though, hand-on-dick is a good indicator. Transversely, when your partner puts your hands on their genitals, you’re probably good to go. Rules of reciprocity imply that they’re down for what they’re doing to you.

Mid-HJ Etiquette

Givers:

Never look bored. Your hand might be getting tired, but don’t look up at your partner with the “Am I going to get carpal tunnel?” look in your eyes. Stay involved, stay interested, and your partner will feel that way. Encourage your partner to keep their hands busy as well.

Don’t just jerk the thing. As in all things sexual, there is an art to it. Alternate speed, grip, and grip strength. Find out what your partner likes, not what Cosmo says he likes.

Receivers:

Be involved with your partner. Use this time to at least apply your foreplay skills. I’m not going to give you general foreplay tips—that’s an entirely different article.

Give them a handy. I find I have a much better time when the lady kind enough to lend me a hand also has a good time. Same principle applies if your partner has a penis. Be nice to them; they’re being nice you.

The above is especially important because a dick is a simple mechanism. There is really a limit to how complex a technique one could use to jerk a penis. It only involves the hand, and it gets boring. Don’t bore your partner; keep them engaged. Keep your body close to theirs. If they’re turned on, their hand won’t tire as fast.

Cleanup

No one likes dealing with ejaculate. I’m a man, I’ve been around my ejaculate since puberty, and as soon as that shit leaves my body, I want to be as far away from it as possible. You don’t want to be caught unprepared to deal with jizz—you could turn what has been some very pleasant semi-sexy -time into an awkward “where-do-I-wipe-this?” moment that kills the entire encounter.

Be polite—this means not ejaculating on another person’s property without their expressed approval and enthusiasm. Some people are into it, but many aren’t. This is especially true if you’re in a car, and especially if this person has been nice enough to drive your ass around and tug your luxury liner into port. Ejaculation etiquette is paramount.

Don’t jizz on their cushions. Don’t jizz on the dash. I wouldn’t advise you try to jizz out of the door or window. Not only will you probably draw undue attention to yourself, if you miss you’ll make the inside of the car door look like Slimer’s albino cousin just left the building.

If it’s your own car, your partner might think you’re gross. Jizz on yourself, and again, your partner might think you’re gross. This isn’t a problem if you never want to have this person jerk you off again, but assuming you do, it helps that your partner not think of you as some sort of semen slob.

Kleenex isn’t ideal. And, unless the person jacking you off is a mother of three and is driving a wood-paneled station wagon, odds are they won’t be handy. If you’re a male in his 20s, having Kleenex in your car is conspicuous. It may look like you use Kleenex to mop up the aftermath of masturbatory missions ten times for every one time you use them to blow your nose. I know it. You know it. Unless your partner is woefully naïve, they will know it too.

There is an ideal solution: moist towelettes. Like the kind you get from a fast food restaurant. Let’s say this was a premeditated palm penis-polishing, but you didn’t want it to appear to be planned and risk losing the excitement of spontaneity. Before your date, go to KFC and order something small and see if you can get some moist towelettes. (I like to get the cornbread.) You can keep them on stock for months at a time. Just pop one into your pocket on your way to your date. Cleanup is quick, easy, and convenient—no awkwardness or ejaculatory acrobatics required.

Aim

You don’t have to be Robin Hood. When you’re squaring off manmeat-a-mano, stay on the mano. (Your partner is using their hand, so keep it on the hand as best you can.) Warn your partner—try to give them about three seconds to dodge, dip, duck, and/or dive as they wish. In my experience, they just shift their hand a bit to make certain they don’t get any on their hair or clothing.

After that, conveniently produce a moist towelette, and enjoy a bit of afterglow. (Don’t forget to return the favor if she/he so desires.) Kiss goodnight, and pat yourself on the back for a handjob well-received.

Photo by Sara Slattery

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